Life just feels like a slog

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^you're right. It's a trigger for me when people complain but don't want to do anything to change their situation. Extra points if they think they already know everything. I'm cool with that aspect of my personality. And I'm a great friend who's here to help you out if you actually want to improve things. No patience if you don't. (Note, I'm not the one who hates my life).

NP. This site must be very frustrating for you.

More seriously, I understand what OP is talking about, and I think it's pretty common. "Is this all there is?" Being more organized, or less cluttered, isn't exactly a solution. Or maybe I just don't understand how changing A would fix alpha. They're different things.

[Anonymous]

If you really have two full time jobs (80 hours a week?) then I'm guessing you're simply exhausted. Do you have to work that much or are you doing it because you think you have to. Both my BIL and SIL earn 6 figure salaries and she's always whining about having to work so much and when anyone suggests she sah she snaps that they couldn't possibly afford to live on his salary...which they could if they changed their lifestyle. So maybe you need more sleep, maybe you need a change. Maybe a life coach to help you think through it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^you're right. It's a trigger for me when people complain but don't want to do anything to change their situation. Extra points if they think they already know everything. I'm cool with that aspect of my personality. And I'm a great friend who's here to help you out if you actually want to improve things. No patience if you don't. (Note, I'm not the one who hates my life).

Maybe you need to find a place to hang out that isn't so triggering.

[Anonymous]

My theory on this is that it's mostly stage of life and it will get easier. Especially with multiple kids and working, and one kid as a toddler, it is just exhausting the way we do it around here.

My advice is to actually be gentle with yourself and do less, not more. Exercise,,sure, if you can, but don't beat yourself up if you can't.


I'm a few years from being an empty nester and I hope yo have way more time then. In the mean time, just do little things that make you happy-- a good book, a candy bar, a quick run, more sleep, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta do better prioritizing and planning OP. You can have an awesome life (you have your health, the rest is up to you!)

Listen to this:

http://www.asianefficiency.com/podcast/083-kendra-wright/

PP, I've read all this stuff. And I am perfectly capable of doing it. I can get it all done. It's not about that. It's about how I feel. I can be uber-productive but it just feels hollow and it all flies by and it all bleeds into a big blur. There's so much, and so much planning, that goes into making it all work. Home feels like work, too. I have two full time jobs, and I am manager at both. And yes, my husband is a great partner and he brings in his share of income and does his share of childcare, housework, etc. I'm sorry, but all these sites sell a myth. On an existential level I just do not derive meaning and satisfaction from being super-woman. It matters to me that I am providing for my family and my kids, but there is little joy in it. I would like more time for actual joy. For togetherness that is not planned because this is our one three hour window and by God we are going to cram some fucking fun in if it kills us!!!

And before anyone goes there, no I do not have money to hire a cleaner/nanny/cook/gardener.

OMG OP I am right there with you. Can we be best friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^you're right. It's a trigger for me when people complain but don't want to do anything to change their situation. Extra points if they think they already know everything. I'm cool with that aspect of my personality. And I'm a great friend who's here to help you out if you actually want to improve things. No patience if you don't. (Note, I'm not the one who hates my life).

Okay, well thanks anyway. I was trying to explain that I don't need tips on scheduling and prioritizing. What I am feeling is deeper than that. But if you want to get your feelings all hurt about my feelings, I guess I can't stop you. You could probably move on to a different thread, though?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need TIME.... sounds like DH isn't working? If that's the case I'm not sure why you are doing the meal planning/shopping and cooking. That's definitely something he can step up with to help you find time to practice all the suggestions offered here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really have two full time jobs (80 hours a week?) then I'm guessing you're simply exhausted. Do you have to work that much or are you doing it because you think you have to. Both my BIL and SIL earn 6 figure salaries and she's always whining about having to work so much and when anyone suggests she sah she snaps that they couldn't possibly afford to live on his salary...which they could if they changed their lifestyle. So maybe you need more sleep, maybe you need a change. Maybe a life coach to help you think through it?

No, no, not literally, PP! What I mean is that between full-time work and home, it FEELS like two full-time jobs. I leave my house at 6:45. Work from 7:30-4pm. Pick up kids. Some portion of making dinner/homework/kid activities/bathtime/other chores. Then kid bedtimes (DH and I split all this up), and then it's time to get ready for the next day, shower and pass out by 10pm because I am not one of these people who can function on less than 7 hours sleep.

I wouldn't mind down-sizing our life to live on my salary, but DH is not into this idea. I think he is also not ready to admit that I have more long-term salary potential. He is also terrified of one-salary b/c of the fear of that person losing their job and then what? I get that 100% having been the child of a single mother and a less than reliable father.

So one thing I have done recently is say, you know, I don't need to keep climbing the ladder. If it comes okay, but I'm not gunning for it. On the one hand it feels freeing, but on the other it's kind of like okay, wash rinse repeat each day then? But now he's trying to go for a bigger job and I just feel like holy shit our life will really fall apart then!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you need TIME.... sounds like DH isn't working? If that's the case I'm not sure why you are doing the meal planning/shopping and cooking. That's definitely something he can step up with to help you find time to practice all the suggestions offered here.

No, he works. FT from home and handles a ton of things - kids doc appts, vet appts, home maintenance appts, etc. Everything is all busy-ness all the time. Is it too much to hope for the reverse 1950's, lol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where you live or what you do for a living but maybe, move? Somewhere with a slower pace.

I have a "slower pace," I guess. Where I live is as slow as it gets without being in the middle of a rural cow patch. It really doesn't have to do with geography. I just think I have limits as a person, no matter where I am, and being management at work, and a mom, and a wife, and friend, sister, daughter, etc - for me it's just too much. I can't switch on and off easily. Everything bleeds into one, and I feel like there are just too many demands and too many thoughts and concerns and worries and to-dos all the time. I hate it.

Your attitude doesn't sound that great, TBH. I live in a small PA town. I'm home from work (a well paying job) by 5pm every day. The culture is not very "keeping up with the Jones'." I have time, things cost less, it's a less competitive atmosphere. You sound like you're not very willing to make any adjustments to address your discontent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My theory on this is that it's mostly stage of life and it will get easier. Especially with multiple kids and working, and one kid as a toddler, it is just exhausting the way we do it around here.

My advice is to actually be gentle with yourself and do less, not more. Exercise,,sure, if you can, but don't beat yourself up if you can't.


I'm a few years from being an empty nester and I hope yo have way more time then. In the mean time, just do little things that make you happy-- a good book, a candy bar, a quick run, more sleep, whatever.

Thanks, PP! Anyone who gives me a pass to skip exercise and eat chocolate is my kind of person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta do better prioritizing and planning OP. You can have an awesome life (you have your health, the rest is up to you!)

Listen to this:

http://www.asianefficiency.com/podcast/083-kendra-wright/

PP, I've read all this stuff. And I am perfectly capable of doing it. I can get it all done. It's not about that. It's about how I feel. I can be uber-productive but it just feels hollow and it all flies by and it all bleeds into a big blur. There's so much, and so much planning, that goes into making it all work. Home feels like work, too. I have two full time jobs, and I am manager at both. And yes, my husband is a great partner and he brings in his share of income and does his share of childcare, housework, etc. I'm sorry, but all these sites sell a myth. On an existential level I just do not derive meaning and satisfaction from being super-woman. It matters to me that I am providing for my family and my kids, but there is little joy in it. I would like more time for actual joy. For togetherness that is not planned because this is our one three hour window and by God we are going to cram some fucking fun in if it kills us!!!

And before anyone goes there, no I do not have money to hire a cleaner/nanny/cook/gardener.

OMG OP I am right there with you. Can we be best friends?

YES.

[Anonymous]

I think the reality is that, for most people, most of the time, life is a slog. Can you try to put aside some more time to do a few things with your kids that you enjoy? That has helped me to feel a bit better about life. Play a game with them that they like, plan to go to a park as a family on a weekend. Just something to look forward to and get satisfaction from other than dragging them home, homework, and bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where you live or what you do for a living but maybe, move? Somewhere with a slower pace.

I have a "slower pace," I guess. Where I live is as slow as it gets without being in the middle of a rural cow patch. It really doesn't have to do with geography. I just think I have limits as a person, no matter where I am, and being management at work, and a mom, and a wife, and friend, sister, daughter, etc - for me it's just too much. I can't switch on and off easily. Everything bleeds into one, and I feel like there are just too many demands and too many thoughts and concerns and worries and to-dos all the time. I hate it.

Your attitude doesn't sound that great, TBH. I live in a small PA town. I'm home from work (a well paying job) by 5pm every day. The culture is not very "keeping up with the Jones'." I have time, things cost less, it's a less competitive atmosphere. You sound like you're not very willing to make any adjustments to address your discontent.

I'm quite willing. But I'm in a marriage, and I don't get to make executive decisions. So, you know, life. Glad you have it all figured out, though!

[Anonymous]

I completely remember feeling that way when my kids were toddlers. They suck the fun and spontaneity out of everything. Having come out on the other side (with boys who are 10 and 12), I think the answer is to schedule as little as possible. Including dinner. Who cares what you are eating. Grab a rotisserie chicken, a loaf of bread, and some apples and cheese and head over to a park with the kids after you get home from work. Have a picnic. Play music in the house that you love. Dance around in your underwear. Get silly.

Work - I can't really help you with (can you listen to music while you work?). My only suggestion would be to play hooky one afternoon and go see a movie (without your kids or DH). Obviously, take the time off work. But don't tell anyone else what you are doing.

It does get better.