Please tell me how to deal with creepy resurfaced acquaintance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If Jennifer were a man, you'd all be telling OP to run. Women can be creepily persistent too.

But Jennifer is not a man and she has not done anything remotely creepy.

Repeatedly texting someone, even after being ignored, then asking for the social media names, being ingored, then searching and friending/following requesting isn't creepy to you?

She sounds pushy. But it also sounds as though Op was giving her mixed signals.

Op here. Confession - because it had been like 25 years, I thought Jennifer was her sister, whom I would play with as kids sometimes. It was a long time ago and they look related. I had a brain fart - that's why I exchanged numbers. Now I'm stuck and this woman I don't even know will not stop contacting me. And scanning a list to look for someone's name and then find them, is weird. It wasn't like she saw me in a room of a few people.

OP, this story sounds like your fault. Really. Is she creepy or not?

I made a mistake and thought she was someone else.

I am not special, I am not very interesting, Maybe I’m being passive aggressive via “ghosting," but I seriously just want to be left alone. Do I tell her “I thought you were your sister and was excited to see you, but now that my brain realized you’re not her, I don’t want to be friends” - wouldn’t that be more hurtful?

But she was creepy then, and is creepy now. The persistence and seemingly slight obsession - and *her* wanting validation by constant contact - is weird.

And yeah, if it were a man, you’d all be saying to run fast and run far.

Well....you DID give her mixed signals. You did give her your phone number even after you figured out who she was and even though you knew that she had a history of being intrusive. Just realize that you started this with her.

Just be boring and she'll move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If Jennifer were a man, you'd all be telling OP to run. Women can be creepily persistent too.

But Jennifer is not a man and she has not done anything remotely creepy.

Repeatedly texting someone, even after being ignored, then asking for the social media names, being ingored, then searching and friending/following requesting isn't creepy to you?

She sounds pushy. But it also sounds as though Op was giving her mixed signals.

Op here. Confession - because it had been like 25 years, I thought Jennifer was her sister, whom I would play with as kids sometimes. It was a long time ago and they look related. I had a brain fart - that's why I exchanged numbers. Now I'm stuck and this woman I don't even know will not stop contacting me. And scanning a list to look for someone's name and then find them, is weird. It wasn't like she saw me in a room of a few people.

OP, this story sounds like your fault. Really. Is she creepy or not?

I made a mistake and thought she was someone else.

I am not special, I am not very interesting, Maybe I’m being passive aggressive via “ghosting," but I seriously just want to be left alone. Do I tell her “I thought you were your sister and was excited to see you, but now that my brain realized you’re not her, I don’t want to be friends” - wouldn’t that be more hurtful?

But she was creepy then, and is creepy now. The persistence and seemingly slight obsession - and *her* wanting validation by constant contact - is weird.

And yeah, if it were a man, you’d all be saying to run fast and run far.

Well....you DID give her mixed signals. You did give her your phone number even after you figured out who she was and even though you knew that she had a history of being intrusive. Just realize that you started this with her.

Just be boring and she'll move on.

No, I gave her my phone number BEFORE I figured out that she was the intrusive sister. Believe me, I absolutely regret that.

It's been months, I haven't responded to anything, and she's still trying get in touch - ie requesting to follow my accounts even after ignoring her texts about what my accounts were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If Jennifer were a man, you'd all be telling OP to run. Women can be creepily persistent too.

But Jennifer is not a man and she has not done anything remotely creepy.

Repeatedly texting someone, even after being ignored, then asking for the social media names, being ingored, then searching and friending/following requesting isn't creepy to you?

She sounds pushy. But it also sounds as though Op was giving her mixed signals.

Op here. Confession - because it had been like 25 years, I thought Jennifer was her sister, whom I would play with as kids sometimes. It was a long time ago and they look related. I had a brain fart - that's why I exchanged numbers. Now I'm stuck and this woman I don't even know will not stop contacting me. And scanning a list to look for someone's name and then find them, is weird. It wasn't like she saw me in a room of a few people.

OP, this story sounds like your fault. Really. Is she creepy or not?

I made a mistake and thought she was someone else.

I am not special, I am not very interesting, Maybe I’m being passive aggressive via “ghosting," but I seriously just want to be left alone. Do I tell her “I thought you were your sister and was excited to see you, but now that my brain realized you’re not her, I don’t want to be friends” - wouldn’t that be more hurtful?

But she was creepy then, and is creepy now. The persistence and seemingly slight obsession - and *her* wanting validation by constant contact - is weird.

And yeah, if it were a man, you’d all be saying to run fast and run far.

Well....you DID give her mixed signals. You did give her your phone number even after you figured out who she was and even though you knew that she had a history of being intrusive. Just realize that you started this with her.

Just be boring and she'll move on.

No, I gave her my phone number BEFORE I figured out that she was the intrusive sister. Believe me, I absolutely regret that.

It's been months, I haven't responded to anything, and she's still trying get in touch - ie requesting to follow my accounts even after ignoring her texts about what my accounts were.

Ignore her. She doesn't sound dangerous just really, really annoying. I don't know how you managed to make the exact same mistake within a 10 year time span but it seems that you did just that.

[Anonymous]

You sound off as well OP. How do you know she looked at a list and joined that group just because you're in it? You're an awful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound off as well OP. How do you know she looked at a list and joined that group just because you're in it? You're an awful person.

Because she told me that's exactly what she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's frustrating when others don't pick up on our cues. But your method of dealing with her; blocking, giving out your number and then regretting it later, suggest you have your own boundary work to do. It's uncomfortable to push back when you feel someone is in your space but this will happen your whole life. Learn to be polite but firm regarding your time, resources, whatever. "Nice to hear from you, Larla. I have lots going on right now and can't get together. Hope all is well!". Repeat as needed.

The issue is this one--you gave her intermittent reinforcement, which is worse than positive reinforcement! (go look it up)

Also go look up anything by Gavin de Becker, who specializes in stalking. I worked with him once, and I remember he said, "don't give a mixed message. So don't talk to someone about why you are not talking to them. Just stop talking to them."

Now, also go look up "extinction burst" because this woman will try and contact you MORE for a while before she quits, and you have to be ready for that.

Just want to say, though, I know you were trying to smooth it over and be nice; you did nothing unusual. But you need to fix it now before it gets weirder.

[Anonymous]

Remember Jodi Arias who killed her boyfriend? Total wack job, BUT his friends kept calling her a stalker when in fact he was seeing her and sleeping with her. In fact she killed him while they were in the shower together. The real story he was clearly her boyfriend but seeing others which didn't sit well with her. He was a psychological abuser and enjoyed demeaning her and speaking about her poorly to his friends.

OP don't give mixed messages. You could text and tell her you're very busy these days but it was nice to hear from her. That should be enough and don't reply after that. Should be the end.

[Anonymous]

Just keep bringing the conversation back to her sister, who really is your old friend. You say: "Tell Sally I say "Hi"!" "What is Sally up to these days?" "Oh, I remember when Sally and I used to hang out with Sue and Beth. Those were some fun times. Haven't seen them in years. Oh, but you were probably too little to remember any of that." "What's Sally's phone/email? I really should catch up with her." Blah, blah, blah.

You could also try to push your fave MLM at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's frustrating when others don't pick up on our cues. But your method of dealing with her; blocking, giving out your number and then regretting it later, suggest you have your own boundary work to do. It's uncomfortable to push back when you feel someone is in your space but this will happen your whole life. Learn to be polite but firm regarding your time, resources, whatever. "Nice to hear from you, Larla. I have lots going on right now and can't get together. Hope all is well!". Repeat as needed.

The issue is this one--you gave her intermittent reinforcement, which is worse than positive reinforcement! (go look it up)

Also go look up anything by Gavin de Becker, who specializes in stalking. I worked with him once, and I remember he said, "don't give a mixed message. So don't talk to someone about why you are not talking to them. Just stop talking to them."

Now, also go look up "extinction burst" because this woman will try and contact you MORE for a while before she quits, and you have to be ready for that.

Just want to say, though, I know you were trying to smooth it over and be nice; you did nothing unusual. But you need to fix it now before it gets weirder.

But WHY is this woman stalking, Op? Why would this old friend's little sister be so obsessed with being "friends" with Op? Why couldn't Op tell the difference between this woman and her old childhood friend? So much makes little sense.

[Anonymous]

How about just being direct.

Send her a text and say "Hey NotJen, I realize you've been texting me, and wanting to join my instagram feed, etc... and I haven't responded. I really only use instagram (or whatever) for close friends and family so I keep the group down. In general I'm pretty maxed out in life these days so I just wanted to be upfront about that. New friendships just aren't in the cards for me but I didn't want to just ghost you. Take care and say hi to Jen for me sometime. All the best, SayanaraSue"

THen ignore the burst of responses and keep denying her access wherever you like. If necessary repeat in a month or so, more bluntly. "NotJen, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough but I keep my social media stuff pretty limited so I won't be adding you. And I'm just not able to build a friendship with you or respond to your texts. I hope you will respect that. Take care."

Then the third time "NotJen, I am finding your repeated communications concerning. Please stop contacting me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's frustrating when others don't pick up on our cues. But your method of dealing with her; blocking, giving out your number and then regretting it later, suggest you have your own boundary work to do. It's uncomfortable to push back when you feel someone is in your space but this will happen your whole life. Learn to be polite but firm regarding your time, resources, whatever. "Nice to hear from you, Larla. I have lots going on right now and can't get together. Hope all is well!". Repeat as needed.

The issue is this one--you gave her intermittent reinforcement, which is worse than positive reinforcement! (go look it up)

Also go look up anything by Gavin de Becker, who specializes in stalking. I worked with him once, and I remember he said, "don't give a mixed message. So don't talk to someone about why you are not talking to them. Just stop talking to them."

Now, also go look up "extinction burst" because this woman will try and contact you MORE for a while before she quits, and you have to be ready for that.

Just want to say, though, I know you were trying to smooth it over and be nice; you did nothing unusual. But you need to fix it now before it gets weirder.

But WHY is this woman stalking, Op? Why would this old friend's little sister be so obsessed with being "friends" with Op? Why couldn't Op tell the difference between this woman and her old childhood friend? So much makes little sense.

Op here. I have absolutely no idea why the woman is so relentless. Seriously no clue. FWIW, she's an older sister - not a younger one.

As for me not being able to tell the difference between the two, it had been 25-30 years since I'd seen either of them when we were kids. And they're sisters, only a couple years apart. I don't think it's a huge mistake to make - I get mistaken for my sister all the time, by people who haven't seen us in may be <5 years.

Other than the initial contact a few months ago at a volunteer event, I have ignored her completely. When I got home later that evening, I realized what a mistake I made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about just being direct.

Send her a text and say "Hey NotJen, I realize you've been texting me, and wanting to join my instagram feed, etc... and I haven't responded. I really only use instagram (or whatever) for close friends and family so I keep the group down. In general I'm pretty maxed out in life these days so I just wanted to be upfront about that. New friendships just aren't in the cards for me but I didn't want to just ghost you. Take care and say hi to Jen for me sometime. All the best, SayanaraSue"

THen ignore the burst of responses and keep denying her access wherever you like. If necessary repeat in a month or so, more bluntly. "NotJen, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough but I keep my social media stuff pretty limited so I won't be adding you. And I'm just not able to build a friendship with you or respond to your texts. I hope you will respect that. Take care."

Then the third time "NotJen, I am finding your repeated communications concerning. Please stop contacting me."

Thank you! I may try this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about just being direct.

Send her a text and say "Hey NotJen, I realize you've been texting me, and wanting to join my instagram feed, etc... and I haven't responded. I really only use instagram (or whatever) for close friends and family so I keep the group down. In general I'm pretty maxed out in life these days so I just wanted to be upfront about that. New friendships just aren't in the cards for me but I didn't want to just ghost you. Take care and say hi to Jen for me sometime. All the best, SayanaraSue"

THen ignore the burst of responses and keep denying her access wherever you like. If necessary repeat in a month or so, more bluntly. "NotJen, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough but I keep my social media stuff pretty limited so I won't be adding you. And I'm just not able to build a friendship with you or respond to your texts. I hope you will respect that. Take care."

Then the third time "NotJen, I am finding your repeated communications concerning. Please stop contacting me."

Thank you! I may try this.

OP- I think you "triggered"something in her. There is a comfort in seeing old friends and aquaintances from our past especially our youth when we didn't really have a care in the world. This is a great response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get friend requests from people who don't add any value but like to be voyeurs. Dislike that kind.

Me too! but to be fair, the person OP is talking about seems like she really really wants to be her friend. She's interacting with her.

The voyeur types are the ones who don't reply to anything or really even like pics. They're just there.. staring at your pics and updates and you don't even know. Hella creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about just being direct.

Send her a text and say "Hey NotJen, I realize you've been texting me, and wanting to join my instagram feed, etc... and I haven't responded. I really only use instagram (or whatever) for close friends and family so I keep the group down. In general I'm pretty maxed out in life these days so I just wanted to be upfront about that. New friendships just aren't in the cards for me but I didn't want to just ghost you. Take care and say hi to Jen for me sometime. All the best, SayanaraSue"

THen ignore the burst of responses and keep denying her access wherever you like. If necessary repeat in a month or so, more bluntly. "NotJen, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough but I keep my social media stuff pretty limited so I won't be adding you. And I'm just not able to build a friendship with you or respond to your texts. I hope you will respect that. Take care."

Then the third time "NotJen, I am finding your repeated communications concerning. Please stop contacting me."

Thank you! I may try this.

OP- I think you "triggered"something in her. There is a comfort in seeing old friends and aquaintances from our past especially our youth when we didn't really have a care in the world. This is a great response.

While yes, the OP can do this, it's still pretty freaking weird. Social media and instagram etc are not really meant to be "exclusive" -- like you only invite the most elite people to your party. I'm sorry, but the reply is totally snobby and bitchy sounding. The girl sounds totally harmless. She sounds desperate for a friend and while naive and a bit ignorant of boundaries, it's sad because she seems lonely. The OP and this other poster who suggested these replies sound like "Mean Girls." We live in such a cruel shitty world.