married professor dating a graduate student

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a professor in a PhD program, and students close my door for meetings all the time. (I never close it because I'm sensitive to power imbalances, secrecy, etc., and I don't want students to feel uncomfortable. But I allow students to close it if they prefer.) I'd say about more than half of my advising meetings have a closed door. Usually, it's because students want to talk about personal stuff--either interactions with other faculty, their own teaching and students, their self-doubts, or their career ambitions and job search. Sometimes they want to question my pointed feedback on a paper or dissertation chapter, and they know they might cry.

At any rate, you asked for reasons why the door may be closed, so those were just a few that came to mind immediately. Honestly, I have one advisee who always closes the door, and our conversations rarely veer into "personal" territory, but she just seems to prefer the closed door. (Maybe it's because my office is on a highly trafficked hallway, and she doesn't want to be distracted by people in the hall or have everyone in the department listening in on our conversation.)

The only part of your description that gives me pause is that these closed-door meetings go on for hours. The longest that my advising meetings usually last is 90 minutes because who's got time for more than that? So, if you're really right that they're in there for hours, that seems strange, but that also seems really long for a sexual encounter, so maybe your internal clock needs to be recalibrated.

OP here: I understand all of this could come occasionally but she's not even working on research yet. She's a 2 second year student. I have caught them at least 3-4 times per week together for 3-4 hours. He forgets meetings other students have told me the same thing.

You haven't caught them doing anything except meeting.

If he is forgetting YOUR meeting, go to the door and knock loudly when it's time for YOUR meeting. Stop worrying about others or how long he spends meeting with them. It's your job to be professional and do your work, not track your advisor's schedule. Even if she is his favorite, don't you think that happens in the real world too? Don't you prefer some professors to others?

I had a wonderful relationship with my married PhD advisor. Nothing sexual, but a fantastic friend. The professor that posted above makes very worthwhile points

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there. Walked in on him soccerballs deep in her. They didn't even hear the door open. It was impressive.

OP here: HAHA is this true?

Let's just say they'd both have a promising career in the adult film industry if they got tired of academia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who knows if he is cheating, but the fact that here is another young person making accusations without evidence, is a huge problem that is making our society like the Hunger Games, but the prey are adult men. While OP might be onto something, acting on suspicion and not fact is about to ruin a man's life. What if he isn't? What if you found out that she wants to, maybe is pretending to need academic help, says she has anxiety. I know a man who was accused of sleeping with a student. I don't know there was any evidence and you know innocent proven until found guilty, right? Well, that never happened, because he hanged himself a month after, before any trial or formal charges were even filed, in a forest near his house. Hi wife and kids are still alive, and have to move due to stigma. I am not saying he wasn't guilty, but what if he wasn't? Now, OP and her fellow students might be onto something, and here she is ready to ruin a man's life based on a rumor. Did you even occur to op pause and think what if you report this and you are wrong? Even if cleared, his career is ruined forever, his life is ruined forever. How about using your brain to think about the consequences? The way I see it, you are hell bent on making trouble, that says more about you than about possible cheater professor.

Written by a cheater clearly.

You must be one seriously messed up person. You got cheated on? I never cheated, not so much as when cashier at Wegmans didn't ring the small packs of salad dressing, and he said he had no idea Wegmans charged for this. I am simply a friend of a family that was touched by a similar tragedy.

[Anonymous]

MYOB, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're not getting very helpful answers, but that's primarily because of how you phrased your OP.

The reality is that most universities have policies barring students and professors from having a romantic relationship, and so it is a reportable thing *if you know for sure* it's happening. You don't know that, and it will not serve you to make a baseless allegation.

Your real issue, if I'm reading you correctly, is that you are frustrated that whatever is going on is impacting your access to your advisor. That's a legitimate issue, and it's a legitimate one to bring up. My PhD adviser was notoriously difficult to track down...so much so that he was a terrible choice as an advisor for students who needed/wanted more active mentoring.

His availability, though, was a completely legitimate thing to bring up with him, and he would often try to improve on this point. You can and should tell your advisor that you need more of his time, and you should suggest a few ways to make that easier: set-up a standing weekly meeting and agree to provide an agenda of topics you need to discuss beforehand, prepare for the meetings by having something to show him (this will make the meetings more interesting for him assuming he still enjoys is research), if you send emails include a really clear question to which you want an answer etc. Deal with the problem that is your business to get what you want, and don't worry so much about others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she attractive? Are you jealous of this alleged interaction?

No. I am male. He doesn't have time for his other students. It has nothing to do with jealously.

It's all about jealousy. You have the hots for the female student, you are jealous of the prof, and you want to retaliate in a petty underhanded way by making an unsubstantiated accusation. You are a garbage human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she attractive? Are you jealous of this alleged interaction?

No. I am male. He doesn't have time for his other students. It has nothing to do with jealously.

It's all about jealousy. You have the hots for the female student, you are jealous of the prof, and you want to retaliate in a petty underhanded way by making an unsubstantiated accusation. You are a garbage human being.

No I have beautiful girlfriend. I'm not jealous of a 30 something single mom who flirts with married men. It's disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a professor in a PhD program, and students close my door for meetings all the time. (I never close it because I'm sensitive to power imbalances, secrecy, etc., and I don't want students to feel uncomfortable. But I allow students to close it if they prefer.) I'd say about more than half of my advising meetings have a closed door. Usually, it's because students want to talk about personal stuff--either interactions with other faculty, their own teaching and students, their self-doubts, or their career ambitions and job search. Sometimes they want to question my pointed feedback on a paper or dissertation chapter, and they know they might cry.

At any rate, you asked for reasons why the door may be closed, so those were just a few that came to mind immediately. Honestly, I have one advisee who always closes the door, and our conversations rarely veer into "personal" territory, but she just seems to prefer the closed door. (Maybe it's because my office is on a highly trafficked hallway, and she doesn't want to be distracted by people in the hall or have everyone in the department listening in on our conversation.)

The only part of your description that gives me pause is that these closed-door meetings go on for hours. The longest that my advising meetings usually last is 90 minutes because who's got time for more than that? So, if you're really right that they're in there for hours, that seems strange, but that also seems really long for a sexual encounter, so maybe your internal clock needs to be recalibrated.

OP here: I understand all of this could come occasionally but she's not even working on research yet. She's a 2 second year student. I have caught them at least 3-4 times per week together for 3-4 hours. He forgets meetings other students have told me the same thing.

And here is where you jumped the shark, troll. You're either a liar, a jealous liar or a stalker. The bolded calls you out.

I'd call you a laughingstock but that would be too good for you. If you are who pretend to be on the internet, you're a very entitled man who feels so very annoyed bye a closed door. There are a lot of reasons that doors are closed and as you so admitted, you know nothing.

The way you've titled this thread and the conclusions you have drawn are disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a professor in a PhD program, and students close my door for meetings all the time. (I never close it because I'm sensitive to power imbalances, secrecy, etc., and I don't want students to feel uncomfortable. But I allow students to close it if they prefer.) I'd say about more than half of my advising meetings have a closed door. Usually, it's because students want to talk about personal stuff--either interactions with other faculty, their own teaching and students, their self-doubts, or their career ambitions and job search. Sometimes they want to question my pointed feedback on a paper or dissertation chapter, and they know they might cry.

At any rate, you asked for reasons why the door may be closed, so those were just a few that came to mind immediately. Honestly, I have one advisee who always closes the door, and our conversations rarely veer into "personal" territory, but she just seems to prefer the closed door. (Maybe it's because my office is on a highly trafficked hallway, and she doesn't want to be distracted by people in the hall or have everyone in the department listening in on our conversation.)

The only part of your description that gives me pause is that these closed-door meetings go on for hours. The longest that my advising meetings usually last is 90 minutes because who's got time for more than that? So, if you're really right that they're in there for hours, that seems strange, but that also seems really long for a sexual encounter, so maybe your internal clock needs to be recalibrated.

OP here: I understand all of this could come occasionally but she's not even working on research yet. She's a 2 second year student. I have caught them at least 3-4 times per week together for 3-4 hours. He forgets meetings other students have told me the same thing.

And here is where you jumped the shark, troll. You're either a liar, a jealous liar or a stalker. The bolded calls you out.

I'd call you a laughingstock but that would be too good for you. If you are who pretend to be on the internet, you're a very entitled man who feels so very annoyed bye a closed door. There are a lot of reasons that doors are closed and as you so admitted, you know nothing.

The way you've titled this thread and the conclusions you have drawn are disgusting.

It's not only me. 3 other students have brought this up. It's disgusting to cheat on your spouse. Thats what's disgusting. He comes across as sleazy and other students have noticed something is off with them.

[Anonymous]

LOL at how many bootlickers in this thread are falling over themselves to defend an authority figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL at how many bootlickers in this thread are falling over themselves to defend an authority figure.

Lots of cheaters on here obviously

[Anonymous]

What do you do while you're hanging outside of your advisor's office 3-4 days per week for 3 or 4 hours? You could be doing productive, like research, you know...not just keeping tabs on someone's fictional comings and goings.

[Anonymous]

I think you should report him just like you would report a teacher in HS for having sex with an 18 year old student.

I think teachers should fall under the same laws as doctors and psychologists... legally they don't but ethically they do.

Yes. This is just another way women are abused in school .... Title IX.

Please report it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should report him just like you would report a teacher in HS for having sex with an 18 year old student.

I think teachers should fall under the same laws as doctors and psychologists... legally they don't but ethically they do.

Yes. This is just another way women are abused in school .... Title IX.

Please report it.

The female student is 30 something, not 18. And OP has no evidence. This squarely falls into the realm of MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do while you're hanging outside of your advisor's office 3-4 days per week for 3 or 4 hours? You could be doing productive, like research, you know...not just keeping tabs on someone's fictional comings and goings.

I also wondered how OP knows for sure these meetings are going on for so long. The only way to tell would be to sit outside the professor's door for hours on end and that just seems weird.