married professor dating a graduate student

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you KNOW they're sleeping together, or are you just making assumptions? If you know it as fact, submit a complaint through whatever administrative mechanism your institution has in place.

I do not know anything. A few students have been complaining about their relationship.

[Anonymous]

A door can be closed for many reasons. Maybe they are collaborating on something and don't want to be overheard. It is incredibly sexist to assume that they are sleeping together just because she is a woman and he is a man, with no other concrete evidence.

[Anonymous]

Been there. Walked in on him soccerballs deep in her. They didn't even hear the door open. It was impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A door can be closed for many reasons. Maybe they are collaborating on something and don't want to be overheard. It is incredibly sexist to assume that they are sleeping together just because she is a woman and he is a man, with no other concrete evidence.

Please list the many reasons? Because he doesn't do this with any other student.

[Anonymous]

They're probably banging, but this is a hot mess you don't need to be involved in.

[Anonymous]

Conflict of interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there. Walked in on him soccerballs deep in her. They didn't even hear the door open. It was impressive.

OP here: HAHA is this true?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but they are two consenting adults and it doesn't concern you.

[Anonymous]

I'm a professor in a PhD program, and students close my door for meetings all the time. (I never close it because I'm sensitive to power imbalances, secrecy, etc., and I don't want students to feel uncomfortable. But I allow students to close it if they prefer.) I'd say about more than half of my advising meetings have a closed door. Usually, it's because students want to talk about personal stuff--either interactions with other faculty, their own teaching and students, their self-doubts, or their career ambitions and job search. Sometimes they want to question my pointed feedback on a paper or dissertation chapter, and they know they might cry.

At any rate, you asked for reasons why the door may be closed, so those were just a few that came to mind immediately. Honestly, I have one advisee who always closes the door, and our conversations rarely veer into "personal" territory, but she just seems to prefer the closed door. (Maybe it's because my office is on a highly trafficked hallway, and she doesn't want to be distracted by people in the hall or have everyone in the department listening in on our conversation.)

The only part of your description that gives me pause is that these closed-door meetings go on for hours. The longest that my advising meetings usually last is 90 minutes because who's got time for more than that? So, if you're really right that they're in there for hours, that seems strange, but that also seems really long for a sexual encounter, so maybe your internal clock needs to be recalibrated.

[Anonymous]

So, about to fail you? And if a married man is sleeping with another woman, it is not dating, it is cheating, committing adultery, etc.. So, you are going to report him for closing the door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a professor in a PhD program, and students close my door for meetings all the time. (I never close it because I'm sensitive to power imbalances, secrecy, etc., and I don't want students to feel uncomfortable. But I allow students to close it if they prefer.) I'd say about more than half of my advising meetings have a closed door. Usually, it's because students want to talk about personal stuff--either interactions with other faculty, their own teaching and students, their self-doubts, or their career ambitions and job search. Sometimes they want to question my pointed feedback on a paper or dissertation chapter, and they know they might cry.

At any rate, you asked for reasons why the door may be closed, so those were just a few that came to mind immediately. Honestly, I have one advisee who always closes the door, and our conversations rarely veer into "personal" territory, but she just seems to prefer the closed door. (Maybe it's because my office is on a highly trafficked hallway, and she doesn't want to be distracted by people in the hall or have everyone in the department listening in on our conversation.)

The only part of your description that gives me pause is that these closed-door meetings go on for hours. The longest that my advising meetings usually last is 90 minutes because who's got time for more than that? So, if you're really right that they're in there for hours, that seems strange, but that also seems really long for a sexual encounter, so maybe your internal clock needs to be recalibrated.

OP here: I understand all of this could come occasionally but she's not even working on research yet. She's a 2 second year student. I have caught them at least 3-4 times per week together for 3-4 hours. He forgets meetings other students have told me the same thing.

[Anonymous]

You'll go before she does.

[Anonymous]

Who knows if he is cheating, but the fact that here is another young person making accusations without evidence, is a huge problem that is making our society like the Hunger Games, but the prey are adult men. While OP might be onto something, acting on suspicion and not fact is about to ruin a man's life. What if he isn't? What if you found out that she wants to, maybe is pretending to need academic help, says she has anxiety. I know a man who was accused of sleeping with a student. I don't know there was any evidence and you know innocent proven until found guilty, right? Well, that never happened, because he hanged himself a month after, before any trial or formal charges were even filed, in a forest near his house. Hi wife and kids are still alive, and have to move due to stigma. I am not saying he wasn't guilty, but what if he wasn't? Now, OP and her fellow students might be onto something, and here she is ready to ruin a man's life based on a rumor. Did you even occur to op pause and think what if you report this and you are wrong? Even if cleared, his career is ruined forever, his life is ruined forever. How about using your brain to think about the consequences? The way I see it, you are hell bent on making trouble, that says more about you than about possible cheater professor.

[Anonymous]

If they're really spending 9-16 hours a week in his office, with the door closed, having some kind of sexual encounter, you don't even need to consider reporting them. He is exercising such poor judgment that this whole thing is going to explode before you know it, and you don't want to be anywhere near the shrapnel.

(FTR, I'm the professor above, and my educated guess is that this student will mysteriously drop out of the program in the next 6-9 months, her career ruined, and his career and reputation unblemished. No one will ever know exactly what happened. So, while I still suspect that this whole scenario will explode, I bet it will be entirely at the expense of the female grad student. Not that I've seen this scenario more than once or anything.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who knows if he is cheating, but the fact that here is another young person making accusations without evidence, is a huge problem that is making our society like the Hunger Games, but the prey are adult men. While OP might be onto something, acting on suspicion and not fact is about to ruin a man's life. What if he isn't? What if you found out that she wants to, maybe is pretending to need academic help, says she has anxiety. I know a man who was accused of sleeping with a student. I don't know there was any evidence and you know innocent proven until found guilty, right? Well, that never happened, because he hanged himself a month after, before any trial or formal charges were even filed, in a forest near his house. Hi wife and kids are still alive, and have to move due to stigma. I am not saying he wasn't guilty, but what if he wasn't? Now, OP and her fellow students might be onto something, and here she is ready to ruin a man's life based on a rumor. Did you even occur to op pause and think what if you report this and you are wrong? Even if cleared, his career is ruined forever, his life is ruined forever. How about using your brain to think about the consequences? The way I see it, you are hell bent on making trouble, that says more about you than about possible cheater professor.

Written by a cheater clearly.