The weight of our lives tilts towards my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand, and I think many of the posters don't get it. I dated a guy who was a "collector" of many very specific things. He was seriously into his collections, and he could always come up with reasons why he had to go to tradeshows or travel to specific places. It was kind of fun for a while, but then it got really tiring for me. Both the constant focus on these things, the time and money, and the space they took up. Almost like a fetish but not sexual. He was an interesting, smart person but I felt smothered by how into his interests he was.

PP again: I feel like I haven't gotten across how one-sided it was. He wanted me to come along every weekend on trips to track down his items. He spent most evenings updating the websites in which he talked about and photographed his items, or corresponding with other collectors, or researching them. I could see how it could be interesting to the outside world, because he knew so much, but it was too much for me. And I felt like I was being a bad girlfriend if I didn't participate/enjoy it/give up my time to the pursuit of these things.

I also feel like women are socialized to do this (support other people's interests) and put collective activities ahead of personal ones.

The difference is that OP said her DH would enthusiastically support her hobby - if only she had one.

The guy I dated would have enthusiastically supported my hobbies too--provided my hobbies were concrete and involved objects like OP's DHs. Things like wanting to try restaurants, read, watch movies, play board games didn't count. The fact that DH's hobby is taking up so much of their resources suggests he doesn't really see her interests as hobbies that count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand, and I think many of the posters don't get it. I dated a guy who was a "collector" of many very specific things. He was seriously into his collections, and he could always come up with reasons why he had to go to tradeshows or travel to specific places. It was kind of fun for a while, but then it got really tiring for me. Both the constant focus on these things, the time and money, and the space they took up. Almost like a fetish but not sexual. He was an interesting, smart person but I felt smothered by how into his interests he was.

PP again: I feel like I haven't gotten across how one-sided it was. He wanted me to come along every weekend on trips to track down his items. He spent most evenings updating the websites in which he talked about and photographed his items, or corresponding with other collectors, or researching them. I could see how it could be interesting to the outside world, because he knew so much, but it was too much for me. And I felt like I was being a bad girlfriend if I didn't participate/enjoy it/give up my time to the pursuit of these things.

I also feel like women are socialized to do this (support other people's interests) and put collective activities ahead of personal ones.

The difference is that OP said her DH would enthusiastically support her hobby - if only she had one.

The guy I dated would have enthusiastically supported my hobbies too--provided my hobbies were concrete and involved objects like OP's DHs. Things like wanting to try restaurants, read, watch movies, play board games didn't count. The fact that DH's hobby is taking up so much of their resources suggests he doesn't really see her interests as hobbies that count.

DHE doesn't seem to view them as hobbies that count so why should he? This is he most asinine topic I've read here in a long time. Really. "I'm boring and have no hobbies. My husband is I tersting and has cool hobbies! I'm resentful and I don't know why. It somehow must be his fault."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm honestly struggling to understand this. You basically just admitted that he would be supportive of you wanting to do stuff, but you don't actually want to do anything. And you apparently haven't even brought it up.

What is he supposed to do?

This board has been on fire lately.

[Anonymous]

I have felt like you op.

I think in your case, you can't lay blame on him.

But I see where you are with your confusion--how do you make it 'even' or balanced when your hobby isn't like his? And how do you find a hobby, when you don't really WANT a specific thing? I have asked myself these two questions.

In my case, dh has a specific couple of things, and he's always reminding me that they're inexpensive/not too time consuming, so I should be happy he doesn't have some expensive interest. (I am grateful for that )

For me, my interests ARE more expensive. We have little budget for it, so little that it's just pointless getting too involved in my hobby. So I don't. Again, we could make it all even, but ... it just wouldn't get me very far in achieving my goals there. So I have to figure this out...

Just wanted to be on your side op.

Like I said at the top though, none of your feelings can be blamed on your husband. You just need to make a plan. Maybe it is trading weekends, so at least his doesn't take over what room you have to figure it all out. His weekend then yours. Back and forth.

[Anonymous]

But maybe OP wants to go skiing, sort of. But then it fizzles out because . . . why? Did the husband forbid it? Did he refuse to go? Did he insist all the extra money has to go towards his hobbies? Did he say he'd go skiing but he'll hate it?

I think OP comes across like a deflated balloon, wheezing out bits of air. "I want to do something but I don't really know what or make the effort, so I blame it on my husband."

[Anonymous]

I can sympathize with you and I think the best way to get over yourself is to confess. Confess to your husband how you feel. Make sure to do it in a non-accusatory way, just like you did in your post. I'm a big fan of communication and I think that once you've told your husband how you feel you will be relieved of that burden and you will feel so much better. You might even start to take an interest in one of his hobbies. But even if you don't, he will know how you feel and understand that your interests --even though they are not "hobbies"-- need just as much attention as his hobbies.
I wish you many blessings as you and your husband find common ground with your free time.

[Anonymous]

I can kind of sympathize with this -- my DH is really into a niche sport, runs a website about it (not income generating), constantly "researches" by watching old matches so he can update the website, hosts a party at our house every time there's an event ... I watch with him but sometimes he'll start talking about the next event and what he's going to cook for the party he's going to throw and I'm just kind of burned out on it. He wouldn't try to stop me from getting equally as into something similar, but the things I like are not similar, and it doesn't change how much of his time and mental energy goes into this hobby.

He's a good guy, it's only exhausting sometimes ("oh, we're having a party this weekend when I've worked until 10pm every night this week and haven't done laundry in 3 weeks? Neat."), but sometimes I look into the future when we have kids and think he'll resent me/our family for taking his attention away from this hobby. It's pretty intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should I have guessed on the flaming so a few things to clarify. First of all, I know this is irrational, one reason I took my chances on DCUM.

The biggest hobby my husband has is cars, so from a money and physical space situation it feels like it runs the show.

I have a ton of interests--i have several parts of history im practically an expert on, for instance, and I read constantly and go to lectures periodically. So I'm not worried about being boring.

I guess what I'm wondering is how to assert taking the time I want to go do something. For example, I love skiing. And every winter I say to myself, DH gets to do his cars all year, I'm going to go to Vermont. But then I realize I need new ski clothes. Who wants to come with? Should I go alone? I look at hotel prices. And in the end I just think, genuinely, it's too much to spend $3k when I can stay home and hang out with my kid and see my friends and feel happy. But then for the rest of the year the resentment grows bc DH has the ability to take what he needs to do the the thing that makes him happy.

I know I just need to change but I am not sure how.

To be honest, it sounds as if you are waiting for your husband to read your mind and say "Oh, gosh, honey! We've been spending so much time on ME. Let's focus on YOU for once!" But then, you'll insist that you don't need anything, but secretly expect him to keep insisting and insisting until you finally break down and admit that you want something. Except, that will never happen. And you will gradually become more and more resentful. This is the classic "he should just KNOW (without me having to explain) fallacy that women often engage in.

Don't play this game. Don't be a martyr. Don't wait to be "rescued." Just say what you want like men do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[
To be honest, it sounds as if you are waiting for your husband to read your mind and say "Oh, gosh, honey! We've been spending so much time on ME. Let's focus on YOU for once!" But then, you'll insist that you don't need anything, but secretly expect him to keep insisting and insisting until you finally break down and admit that you want something. Except, that will never happen. And you will gradually become more and more resentful. This is the classic "he should just KNOW (without me having to explain) fallacy that women often engage in.

Don't play this game. Don't be a martyr. Don't wait to be "rescued." Just say what you want like men do.

BUT BUT BUT WOMEN GET NOTHING OUT OF MARRIAGE! IT'S ALL FOR A MAN'S BENEFIT!

Sincerely,

the entitled morons who populate this BBS

[Anonymous]

your issue is that you have not expressed your desires or set up boundaries so you cannot prosecute DH for all this, since you've been, on the surface, willing to go along with it all.

This is where you start: a conversation. He doesn't need to stop his hobby or feel badly about it. But you need to start asserting yourself and your desires.

First, you agree about how much money is reasonable. How much is spent on the hobby, etc. Put a limit and say that there are things you would like to do to, like skiing.

Secondly, stop going with him every weekend. If he wants to go and its in the agreed upon budget, he can go. You figure out something else to do.

Third, figure out some other things to do as a couple. Hiking, exploring, whatever. You need to come to the table with some alternative activities.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the problem is that not everyone needs to have some all-encompassing hobby, but everyone needs some space to focus on themselves and their interests. So, your husband has funneled all of his energy into one hobby that take a lot of time and money. Okay, if you are okay with that generally, that's great. But then you also have to be able to say that your "hobby" is just enjoying life, like eating out, reading books, and taking vacations every now and then. And thus you would like to make sure that the time is split between his laser-focused hobby and your kind of amorphous enjoyment of life. I think the problem here is that it's okay to want some attention and interest into a more nebulous enjoyment of life (like what you describe), but that you are not valuing that yourself. Not everyone gets super amped on some specific thing. That's okay. Talk to your husband about finding ways to spend time equally with each other -- and that your "hobby" is not a single thing but a lifestyle (enjoying downtime, really it seems).