The weight of our lives tilts towards my husband

[Anonymous]

Your reading is an "activity hobby". I think you have other hobbies you don't realize, even though they may not use a lot of gear or time. So I don't really get this, which makes it seem irrational to me. If this really gnaws at you I suggest cognitive behavior therapy from a clinical psychologist -- for you -- for your best chance at relief.

[Anonymous]

You need to read "Hit by a Farm" by Catherine Friend. It is about boundaries in relationships and how to create your own space and still support your partner's dream/passion.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I should I have guessed on the flaming so a few things to clarify. First of all, I know this is irrational, one reason I took my chances on DCUM.

The biggest hobby my husband has is cars, so from a money and physical space situation it feels like it runs the show.

I have a ton of interests--i have several parts of history im practically an expert on, for instance, and I read constantly and go to lectures periodically. So I'm not worried about being boring.

I guess what I'm wondering is how to assert taking the time I want to go do something. For example, I love skiing. And every winter I say to myself, DH gets to do his cars all year, I'm going to go to Vermont. But then I realize I need new ski clothes. Who wants to come with? Should I go alone? I look at hotel prices. And in the end I just think, genuinely, it's too much to spend $3k when I can stay home and hang out with my kid and see my friends and feel happy. But then for the rest of the year the resentment grows bc DH has the ability to take what he needs to do the the thing that makes him happy.

I know I just need to change but I am not sure how.

[Anonymous]

Seek therapy.

You're nuts.

[Anonymous]

Regarding skiing - tell your husband that this winter you want to take a ski trip as a family, and that you want to make it a yearly thing. See what he says.

Probably he will say (because you've described him as supportive) "sounds great! What do we need?"

Really, just tell him you're interested in doing it. Make it a family event.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. My husband's hobby takes up a lot of space and time. I am honestly a bit boring but it's in part because all my time has been spent filling in the gaps he leaves, including pre-kid when I had a "big" job (we earn equally now but I was the breadwinner for years). What we're working on now is limiting his hobby so that it doesn't take over the house or prevent us from seeing each other in the evenings or prevent me from having free time. My hope is that once we scale him back, I will have time to develop myself. But right now, it feels a lot like shutting him down for no reason even though he is theoretically on board.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is all on you. Why does the cost for skiing seem too steep? Do you genuinely need to plan carefully in order to have that level of disposable income? Maybe have a broader conversation about your finances, agree that $X per month are for adult hobbies and activities and then from there talk about how much is for his stuff vs. yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My husband's hobby takes up a lot of space and time. I am honestly a bit boring but it's in part because all my time has been spent filling in the gaps he leaves, including pre-kid when I had a "big" job (we earn equally now but I was the breadwinner for years). What we're working on now is limiting his hobby so that it doesn't take over the house or prevent us from seeing each other in the evenings or prevent me from having free time. My hope is that once we scale him back, I will have time to develop myself. But right now, it feels a lot like shutting him down for no reason even though he is theoretically on board.

Posted too soon -- in my opinion you should each have a hobby budget, both $ and time. I'm not sure if a family ski trip should be part of yours, depending on what other vacations you all take or he wants to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should I have guessed on the flaming so a few things to clarify. First of all, I know this is irrational, one reason I took my chances on DCUM.

The biggest hobby my husband has is cars, so from a money and physical space situation it feels like it runs the show.

I have a ton of interests--i have several parts of history im practically an expert on, for instance, and I read constantly and go to lectures periodically. So I'm not worried about being boring.

I guess what I'm wondering is how to assert taking the time I want to go do something. For example, I love skiing. And every winter I say to myself, DH gets to do his cars all year, I'm going to go to Vermont. But then I realize I need new ski clothes. Who wants to come with? Should I go alone? I look at hotel prices. And in the end I just think, genuinely, it's too much to spend $3k when I can stay home and hang out with my kid and see my friends and feel happy. But then for the rest of the year the resentment grows bc DH has the ability to take what he needs to do the the thing that makes him happy.

I know I just need to change but I am not sure how.

Assuming your in the DC area and you are not a dedicated skier (since you say it's too much trouble), why do you *need* to go to Vermont.

You could go skiing every single weekend in the winter if you wanted to do so since there are many drive able places from DC to ski.

Do you not want to do an activity alone?

Do you think since you are married/have kids that all activities should be family?

If so, that's the kind of conversation you need to have with your DH. It's not about the hobbies, it's about your view of family and family time. It seems you view more that one gives up their individual self and should devote more energy to family efforts. Maybe you and DH need to reach a compromise point.

[Anonymous]

I think you're in a great place, OP. You and your husband both have interests and you both support each other. This doesn't seem to be about mo eh in the sense that he is overspending. Rather, it seems like you are in a crossroads where you have time to add more to your list, and your husband is supportive of this, but you're having a hard time taking the first steps. If it's skiing but the money bothers you, break it down so you aren't spending all at once. Book a hotel now (refundable). When sales happen after the holidays, buy your ski clothes. Then it's not an overwhelming expense. The big thing is taking the first step.

I'm probably more like your husband. I am always busy and have tons of things I like to do. Some are expensive, but not more than we can afford. I too worry about my spouse and support any interests. But in the end I can only decide for me.

[Anonymous]

I think I understand, and I think many of the posters don't get it. I dated a guy who was a "collector" of many very specific things. He was seriously into his collections, and he could always come up with reasons why he had to go to tradeshows or travel to specific places. It was kind of fun for a while, but then it got really tiring for me. Both the constant focus on these things, the time and money, and the space they took up. Almost like a fetish but not sexual. He was an interesting, smart person but I felt smothered by how into his interests he was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand, and I think many of the posters don't get it. I dated a guy who was a "collector" of many very specific things. He was seriously into his collections, and he could always come up with reasons why he had to go to tradeshows or travel to specific places. It was kind of fun for a while, but then it got really tiring for me. Both the constant focus on these things, the time and money, and the space they took up. Almost like a fetish but not sexual. He was an interesting, smart person but I felt smothered by how into his interests he was.

PP again: I feel like I haven't gotten across how one-sided it was. He wanted me to come along every weekend on trips to track down his items. He spent most evenings updating the websites in which he talked about and photographed his items, or corresponding with other collectors, or researching them. I could see how it could be interesting to the outside world, because he knew so much, but it was too much for me. And I felt like I was being a bad girlfriend if I didn't participate/enjoy it/give up my time to the pursuit of these things.

I also feel like women are socialized to do this (support other people's interests) and put collective activities ahead of personal ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand, and I think many of the posters don't get it. I dated a guy who was a "collector" of many very specific things. He was seriously into his collections, and he could always come up with reasons why he had to go to tradeshows or travel to specific places. It was kind of fun for a while, but then it got really tiring for me. Both the constant focus on these things, the time and money, and the space they took up. Almost like a fetish but not sexual. He was an interesting, smart person but I felt smothered by how into his interests he was.

PP again: I feel like I haven't gotten across how one-sided it was. He wanted me to come along every weekend on trips to track down his items. He spent most evenings updating the websites in which he talked about and photographed his items, or corresponding with other collectors, or researching them. I could see how it could be interesting to the outside world, because he knew so much, but it was too much for me. And I felt like I was being a bad girlfriend if I didn't participate/enjoy it/give up my time to the pursuit of these things.

I also feel like women are socialized to do this (support other people's interests) and put collective activities ahead of personal ones.

The difference is that OP said her DH would enthusiastically support her hobby - if only she had one.

[Anonymous]

It's not fair that my husband would be totally supportive of me if I could ever figure out a good hobby!

Really? Is this real?

[Anonymous]

NP. This is simple: you need to give yourself permission to take space and resources in your family.

I understand where you are coming from because my marriage is similar. My husband has no issue asking for / taking what he needs/wants (in terms of time and resources), but it is harder for me. Probably a lot of this is cultural - men seem to default to "the answer is yes unless I'm explicitly told no" while women seem to operate from the reverse.

Anyway - the big breakthrough for me was getting to a breaking point and finally taking time/space for what would satisfy me, and then realizing (gratefully) that my husband really meant it when he said he wanted me to be happy and would be supportive. It was an epiphany for me to realize he wasn't trying to hurt me by ignoring my needs, but that he honestly didn't see them without me spelling them out in big neon letters.

So you talk about Vermont - I'm sure that's just an example, but pursue that, or something else like a big trip to visit the historical sites of interest to you, etc. Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised to find that your spouse really does mean it when he says he'll support you.

And also feel free to push back on your spouse's activities if they are interfering with family life in ways that he's just being clueless about. Mine can sometimes be a little loose with his grasp of family logistics, so honestly doesn't put 2 and 2 together sometimes (I.e. No that's not a good weekend for your out of town trip because we have the kids' birthday party scheduled that day, yes I need you home 2 hours before the party because we are responsible for X, Y and Z, that's the weekend we had discussed visiting your grandmother, etc.)