The weight of our lives tilts towards my husband

[Anonymous]

My husband is an avid hobbiest who has lots of things he's passionate about.. I am not. I have lots of things I like but most of them don't take up much room. Lately it feels like all of his hobbies are taking up all of our time and money, and just take up so much space in our heads and conversations. I am growing resentful but it's really about, well what about me? What do I get? I'm not a maryter but there's nothing I can think of that I can claim to tip the balance back to myself a bit and the things I like. the things I like--hanging out as a family, reading, seeing friends-- i have plenty of. None of it is an activity hobby though, which his things are, so it feels so uneven. I know if I asked for anything he'd be super into it and supportive. But I honestly can't think of anything I want to do with my free time outside of what I do now. But resentment is starting to grow nonetheless! How do I get over myself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is an avid hobbiest who has lots of things he's passionate about.. I am not. I have lots of things I like but most of them don't take up much room. Lately it feels like all of his hobbies are taking up all of our time and money, and just take up so much space in our heads and conversations. I am growing resentful but it's really about, well what about me? What do I get? I'm not a maryter but there's nothing I can think of that I can claim to tip the balance back to myself a bit and the things I like. the things I like--hanging out as a family, reading, seeing friends-- i have plenty of. None of it is an activity hobby though, which his things are, so it feels so uneven. I know if I asked for anything he'd be super into it and supportive. But I honestly can't think of anything I want to do with my free time outside of what I do now. But resentment is starting to grow nonetheless! How do I get over myself?

I'm honestly struggling to understand this. You basically just admitted that he would be supportive of you wanting to do stuff, but you don't actually want to do anything. And you apparently haven't even brought it up.

What is he supposed to do?

[Anonymous]

He shouldn't get to take up all of the family's time and money just like he shouldn't get to take up all the space in the home or all of the decisions about their future. Whether she has something lively and active to do with their time and money isn't the point. She has a right to start a conversation with him like "honey, I don't want to drive for hours every weekend to watch you parasail (or whatever). Every other weekend I would like to stay home and get caught up on reading and things around the house." Your pastimes are not less important than his.

[Anonymous]

Balance... you have to also engage him in a meaningful way in the things that you like to do. It sounds like your husband isn't selfish, you are just a bit boring and a tad self centered that you kind find a way for him to be involved in your "activities." You will have a better marriage, if you give and take also.

[Anonymous]

kind = can't

[Anonymous]

I think ... you need to mature and get over it. If you decided to take up yoga or downhill skiing he'd get you all the stuff and encourage you to spend time pursuing those interests. You just don't have them. Not his fault.

[Anonymous]

So, you're boring, and you can't figure out how to be not-boring. Not sure how we can help you with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think ... you need to mature and get over it. If you decided to take up yoga or downhill skiing he'd get you all the stuff and encourage you to spend time pursuing those interests. You just don't have them. Not his fault.

Seriously. This is the dumbest vent I've read on DCUM in awhile - and that says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Did he recently go through a phase of growing orchids?

[Anonymous]

Just a warning. My husband took up training for tough mudders and marathons. This was his way of blowing off steam. It became cult like and I was basically a single mother for three years. I work too but everything was more important then the family. We are now divorced. Sometimes these hobbies can overwhelm everything and you need to find a balance before it becomes a problem Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a saint for being with you, if you're low-key and then you resent him for having interests he gets excited about. Maybe he sometimes secretly resents how dull you are. Consider that. Or maybe he loves and supports you as you are, so you need to do that with him.

It's okay to be the way you are, and it's okay for him to be the way he is.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way for this husband to win??? This is so ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

You do not have anything in common. This does not have to be a problem unless you make it one.

[Anonymous]

In what way do his hobbies take up time and space and money and resources?

Is he out 3 nights a week? Does he have hobby stuff in every room in the house? Is it $1000 a month out f your joint account? Is it every weekend?

A little more detail about the cost to your household would be helpful.

If it comes down to him being an active person with interests and you being more a homebody who mostly likes to socialize with close friends, then that is not so much an imbalance as just different personalities and interests.

[Anonymous]

I sort of get where you are coming from but agree with other posters that DH is doing nothing wrong in this scenario.

My fiancé also has several hobbies that he is passionate about that take up a lot of time and money (e.g., a side business, investing, rugby, etc.) I am more like you. My pastimes are reading, going to the movies, hangi out with friends and family.

However, this never causes an issue because I can spend as much time talking about the latest book I am reading, what is going on with my friends and what is going on at work as he does talking about his hobbies. (And he talks about them a lot.)

I am wondering if the root of the problem is that you feel embarrassed or "less than" because of how you choose your free time. And you are letting that color your conversations and relationship with DH. There was definitely a period at the beginning of my relationship where I wished my hobbies were more interesting etc but then I got over it.

If so, work on you OP! Then this DH issue will resolve itself. (Unless you think he is the one who wants you to be more interesting but that does not seem to be the case)