Advice-my husband is constantly late for things

[Anonymous]

he's having an affair and doesn't know how to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

When I was a child my mother told me if you are ever late for anything don't bother ever coming home . She made it clear I would be disowned and better off dead if I was ever late to anything. I'm 35 and I have yet to ever be late. Worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was chronically late until I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I couldn't focus on one thing long enough to get ready and out the door on time. Or I'd forget what time I was supposed to be there. I didn't realize what a nuisance I was. It was disrespectful and I felt terrible because I knew I should be able to do better, but it wasn't passive aggressive.

Now I'm always 5 minutes early.

As the parent of a kid with ADHD, this was my first thought too.

OP here. I think this might have something to do with it. He will say, "Oh! I forgot my coffee cup! Oh, I didn't pack the fishing rod. Things like that." He just can't seem to pull focus or pull his shit together.

ADHD pp here. I also had trouble prioritizing. It sounds ridiculous, but in the moment I'd get so overwhelmed, I couldn't rank things appropriately. I think that was anxiety (stemming from ADHD, which is very common). In a case like that, I may have made coffee and walked out the door without it. Then I'd feel like I spent that time on the coffee and it's partly why I'm late, so leaving without it means I lose the benefits of having coffee plus I'm late with nothing to show for it. So now, I have to chose to either be 5 minutes late (or however late I would've been), or add 1-2 minutes to that. So of course I'd go back at that point, because what's the difference between 5 minutes late and 7 minutes late? Never mind that those extra two minutes mean I miss the train, so now I have to wait 10 minutes for the next train. Then god help me if I get distracted and stop for a newspaper or bagel or something because now I have an extra 10 minutes, because something would happen to cause another delay. Or if I spill my coffee on myself, because you know if I can't be organized enough to be on time, I'm juggling 50 things while I'm holding a cup of coffee, and that's a recipe for disaster. So then I show up looking slovenly or I add another 20 minutes to run and change (but I'm also bad at estimating times so it's probably really 40 minutes). And that's the story of how my coffee made me an hour or more late.

If that's really his issue, encourage him to get help for it. Medication makes a world of difference. Not just for him, but for everyone around him. It won't make life perfect, but it helps a lot. Seriously, I've been late once in the last 15 months, and it was beyond my control (medical emergency causing significantly delayed trains). Judging and fighting will make him more anxious and lead to more mistakes or him giving up. Your frustration is understandable, but if ADHD is the root issue, it might not entirely be his fault.

It is entirely his fault if he is late, ADHD or no ADHD, and I say this as an adult with ADHD who has a child with ADHD. ADHD is not an excuse for being late or any other poor behavior. I certainly will not be happy if my child used the fact he has ADHD as an excuse for be being chronically late. That wouldn't be setting him up to grow up to be a responsible adult who is employable.

OP's husband can be on time when he wants to be. The fact that you are no longer constantly late with ADHD shows people can change but only if they want to change. I feel bad that OP is asking for strategies on how to deal with a chronically late adult/DH. Are you his mother?

I recently had to let go an employee for being chronically late. Late 100% of the time by 30-45 minutes. Ridiculous. He probably has ADHD and is a really nice guy, well educated, etc. but being chronically late is a serious character flaw incompatible in most work places and I can commiserate with OP about how it makes "crazy" for every else who has to deal with the chronically tardy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? You should've dumped him at the alter.

What you describe is beyond just late. It's unreliable, disrespectful and not compatible with keeping a job, family or friends.

even for a machismo Latino or late Indian, this is unacceptable!
am surprised he's been able to keep a job.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW with ADD. I struggle with time too. I was always late. And please don't say it's because I'm selfish or don't care about the other person. I did want to be on time. The coffee PP totally nails what it's like to have a brain with stuff swirling around in it and you're just trying to get out the door.

OP, do some research on how ADDers "feel" time differently. We just perceive and process it differently. Until you understand how your DH "feels" time, it will be hard to come up with strategies that work.

For me I, DH helps me back-track to figure out what time I have to start getting ready, not what time I have to leave, not what time we have to be there.

So, if we have to be there at 3pm- it takes 45 mins, tack on 15 mins for traffic or finding parking. So we have to leave at 2 pm. It takes me 45 mins to shower/makeup/hair, 15 mins to get dressed and add 15 mins for time that just seems to go missing for some reason. So I have to start getting ready at 12:45. That's what goes into my brain--12:45. Nothing else matters.

And if it's important (like flights), he'll start giving me a count down- hey honey, in an hour (30, 15, 5 mins) you need to start getting ready. It's not passive aggressive. It's because I don't "feel" time moving. 5 mins, 5 hours feels the same. So I can know in my head that in 1 hour I have to do something, but won't realize that one hour has passed.

If your DH is like me, the reason he can get to some stuff and not others is enormous use of resources. Getting to stuff on time takes more brain power for ADDers. And we can muster up the brain power at times. But very difficult to do it all the time. Imagine going through life with an extra 50lbs strapped to your head. You could function for awhile if necessary. But the second you can, you take off the weight.

[Anonymous]

Inattentive ADHD.

He should consult a psychologist for an evaluation.

My husband and son are like this. When they take their meds for ADHD, they are "miraculously" on time to everything.

[Anonymous]

I have ADD and I'm on time. I know I am prone to forgetting things so I set timers to remind me to start getting ready. I start getting ready way before most people do because I know I need the extra time. I think that's what chronically late people are doing--not recognizing their shortcomings and learning from past mistakes. Develop mechanisms to cope and fix your problems instead of shrugging your shoulders and saying "that's just me"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have ADD and I'm on time. I know I am prone to forgetting things so I set timers to remind me to start getting ready. I start getting ready way before most people do because I know I need the extra time. I think that's what chronically late people are doing--not recognizing their shortcomings and learning from past mistakes. Develop mechanisms to cope and fix your problems instead of shrugging your shoulders and saying "that's just me"

+1 I have ADHD and am always on time. I know my natural tendency is to underestimate how long things will take so I compensate by giving myself extra time to get to my appointments. I really hate waiting for other people too so I don't want to be late and make others wait for me. Being late is incredibly rude. By the time one is an adult, people with ADHD should have developed coping mechanisms for their condition. If not, they are not fully functional adults. ADHD is not an excuse for poor and rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW with ADD. I struggle with time too. I was always late. And please don't say it's because I'm selfish or don't care about the other person. I did want to be on time. The coffee PP totally nails what it's like to have a brain with stuff swirling around in it and you're just trying to get out the door.

OP, do some research on how ADDers "feel" time differently. We just perceive and process it differently. Until you understand how your DH "feels" time, it will be hard to come up with strategies that work.

For me I, DH helps me back-track to figure out what time I have to start getting ready, not what time I have to leave, not what time we have to be there.

So, if we have to be there at 3pm- it takes 45 mins, tack on 15 mins for traffic or finding parking. So we have to leave at 2 pm. It takes me 45 mins to shower/makeup/hair, 15 mins to get dressed and add 15 mins for time that just seems to go missing for some reason. So I have to start getting ready at 12:45. That's what goes into my brain--12:45. Nothing else matters.

And if it's important (like flights), he'll start giving me a count down- hey honey, in an hour (30, 15, 5 mins) you need to start getting ready. It's not passive aggressive. It's because I don't "feel" time moving. 5 mins, 5 hours feels the same. So I can know in my head that in 1 hour I have to do something, but won't realize that one hour has passed.

If your DH is like me, the reason he can get to some stuff and not others is enormous use of resources. Getting to stuff on time takes more brain power for ADDers. And we can muster up the brain power at times. But very difficult to do it all the time. Imagine going through life with an extra 50lbs strapped to your head. You could function for awhile if necessary. But the second you can, you take off the weight.

The fact that he's making no attempt to change the behavior means he IS selfish and irresponsible. I stand by my statement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Inattentive ADHD.

He should consult a psychologist for an evaluation.

My husband and son are like this. When they take their meds for ADHD, they are "miraculously" on time to everything.

I wrote the above. I also have inattentive ADHD and am always on time - this is because I have anxiety and I'm a people-pleaser, both of which in some ways compensate for my tendency to be disorganized. Basically, when it comes to other people, I make an extra effort. This tires me out, therefore I need downtime in between bouts of socialization.

I'm also a scientist and would like to point out that ADHD comprises a huge galaxy of symptoms. There are ADHD types who have problems with tardiness and others who don't. A researcher working on ADHD told me a few years ago that she wouldn't be surprised if 50 years from now, ADHD was separated into more specific mental issues, particularly the hyperactive and inattentive types of ADHD, which are vastly different. So far the only link the disparate variations have in common is that medications for ADHD (stimulants) are efficient to decrease symptoms in the great majority of cases.

Just like for autism, you could say for ADHD that "when you've met one person with ADHD, you've met one person with ADHD". However problems with time are a common factor in many cases, so I would encourage your husband to get evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW with ADD. I struggle with time too. I was always late. And please don't say it's because I'm selfish or don't care about the other person. I did want to be on time. The coffee PP totally nails what it's like to have a brain with stuff swirling around in it and you're just trying to get out the door.

OP, do some research on how ADDers "feel" time differently. We just perceive and process it differently. Until you understand how your DH "feels" time, it will be hard to come up with strategies that work.

For me I, DH helps me back-track to figure out what time I have to start getting ready, not what time I have to leave, not what time we have to be there.

So, if we have to be there at 3pm- it takes 45 mins, tack on 15 mins for traffic or finding parking. So we have to leave at 2 pm. It takes me 45 mins to shower/makeup/hair, 15 mins to get dressed and add 15 mins for time that just seems to go missing for some reason. So I have to start getting ready at 12:45. That's what goes into my brain--12:45. Nothing else matters.

And if it's important (like flights), he'll start giving me a count down- hey honey, in an hour (30, 15, 5 mins) you need to start getting ready. It's not passive aggressive. It's because I don't "feel" time moving. 5 mins, 5 hours feels the same. So I can know in my head that in 1 hour I have to do something, but won't realize that one hour has passed.

If your DH is like me, the reason he can get to some stuff and not others is enormous use of resources. Getting to stuff on time takes more brain power for ADDers. And we can muster up the brain power at times. But very difficult to do it all the time. Imagine going through life with an extra 50lbs strapped to your head. You could function for awhile if necessary. But the second you can, you take off the weight.

The fact that he's making no attempt to change the behavior means he IS selfish and irresponsible. I stand by my statement

I get what you're saying. I'm the coffee pp, not the quoted pp. But you sound like you're getting treatment and help. Maybe there's another area you struggle with more than time management. You must've had trouble with something or you wouldn't have sought a diagnosis. I was diagnosed as an adult. I just sort of thought I was a big screw up and tried a million different coping techniques to try to master time management. Sometimes they'd work for a while but eventually it would fall apart. Sure, it was terrible of me to be late, but I did try. I didn't know why my brain was all jumbly inside, and I honestly had no idea who to ask for help, or even that it was something to ask for help with. I didn't want DH to have the responsibility of keeping time for me, and he travels a lot anyway, so I just tried to deal with it. I managed to get the kids to school on time 99% of the time after I figured out a routine, but beyond that, I just didn't know how to manage. Maybe OP's DH is like that. It's embarrassing to have to ask for help with something like that, and most people don't even know where to start. Sometimes it's easier to accept it as a quirk or rude behavior than to admit that no matter how hard you try, you can't do this one basic adult skill right.

If people with ADHD could control their attention span and focus on what they need to focus on, on a daily basis, the probably wouldn't have ADHD. That's why I said it wasn't entirely his fault. I don't think he's blameless, but ADHD is a bitch, and it is part of the issue and is somewhat to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Inattentive ADHD.

He should consult a psychologist for an evaluation.

My husband and son are like this. When they take their meds for ADHD, they are "miraculously" on time to everything.

I wrote the above. I also have inattentive ADHD and am always on time - this is because I have anxiety and I'm a people-pleaser, both of which in some ways compensate for my tendency to be disorganized. Basically, when it comes to other people, I make an extra effort. This tires me out, therefore I need downtime in between bouts of socialization.

I'm also a scientist and would like to point out that ADHD comprises a huge galaxy of symptoms. There are ADHD types who have problems with tardiness and others who don't. A researcher working on ADHD told me a few years ago that she wouldn't be surprised if 50 years from now, ADHD was separated into more specific mental issues, particularly the hyperactive and inattentive types of ADHD, which are vastly different. So far the only link the disparate variations have in common is that medications for ADHD (stimulants) are efficient to decrease symptoms in the great majority of cases.

Just like for autism, you could say for ADHD that "when you've met one person with ADHD, you've met one person with ADHD". However problems with time are a common factor in many cases, so I would encourage your husband to get evaluated.

I have ADHD, combined type, both hyperactive and inattentive and am always on time because I make the effort (I want to set a good example for DS who is also ADHD, combined type, and ASD) even when I am unmedicated. It sounds like OP's husband doesn't make the effort to be on time and expects everyone to accommodate his lateness. Even with an ADHD evaluation and treatment, he won't change or manage to be on time unless he wants to. It's telling that he can be on time for important work meetings but not for his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Inattentive ADHD.

He should consult a psychologist for an evaluation.

My husband and son are like this. When they take their meds for ADHD, they are "miraculously" on time to everything.

I wrote the above. I also have inattentive ADHD and am always on time - this is because I have anxiety and I'm a people-pleaser, both of which in some ways compensate for my tendency to be disorganized. Basically, when it comes to other people, I make an extra effort. This tires me out, therefore I need downtime in between bouts of socialization.

I'm also a scientist and would like to point out that ADHD comprises a huge galaxy of symptoms. There are ADHD types who have problems with tardiness and others who don't. A researcher working on ADHD told me a few years ago that she wouldn't be surprised if 50 years from now, ADHD was separated into more specific mental issues, particularly the hyperactive and inattentive types of ADHD, which are vastly different. So far the only link the disparate variations have in common is that medications for ADHD (stimulants) are efficient to decrease symptoms in the great majority of cases.

Just like for autism, you could say for ADHD that "when you've met one person with ADHD, you've met one person with ADHD". However problems with time are a common factor in many cases, so I would encourage your husband to get evaluated.

I have ADHD, combined type, both hyperactive and inattentive and am always on time because I make the effort (I want to set a good example for DS who is also ADHD, combined type, and ASD) even when I am unmedicated. It sounds like OP's husband doesn't make the effort to be on time and expects everyone to accommodate his lateness. Even with an ADHD evaluation and treatment, he won't change or manage to be on time unless he wants to. It's telling that he can be on time for important work meetings but not for his family.

You responded to me and I had just written that my husband, late for everything, is not late anymore on meds. You might say that it's a placebo effect, but I think not.

One thing we haven't yet touched on is severity of disease. My husband and son have severe forms of ADHD. My ADHD is rather mild, so it's understandable that when I make an effort, I'm not late, and when they try their best without meds, they're still late. The only time my unmedicated husband was ever on time was on our wedding day - if his pill replicates "wedding day motivation", then I'm cool with that.

ADHD is still very much misunderstood, probably because it's not yet correctly characterized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Inattentive ADHD.

He should consult a psychologist for an evaluation.

My husband and son are like this. When they take their meds for ADHD, they are "miraculously" on time to everything.

I wrote the above. I also have inattentive ADHD and am always on time - this is because I have anxiety and I'm a people-pleaser, both of which in some ways compensate for my tendency to be disorganized. Basically, when it comes to other people, I make an extra effort. This tires me out, therefore I need downtime in between bouts of socialization.

I'm also a scientist and would like to point out that ADHD comprises a huge galaxy of symptoms. There are ADHD types who have problems with tardiness and others who don't. A researcher working on ADHD told me a few years ago that she wouldn't be surprised if 50 years from now, ADHD was separated into more specific mental issues, particularly the hyperactive and inattentive types of ADHD, which are vastly different. So far the only link the disparate variations have in common is that medications for ADHD (stimulants) are efficient to decrease symptoms in the great majority of cases.

Just like for autism, you could say for ADHD that "when you've met one person with ADHD, you've met one person with ADHD". However problems with time are a common factor in many cases, so I would encourage your husband to get evaluated.

I have ADHD, combined type, both hyperactive and inattentive and am always on time because I make the effort (I want to set a good example for DS who is also ADHD, combined type, and ASD) even when I am unmedicated. It sounds like OP's husband doesn't make the effort to be on time and expects everyone to accommodate his lateness. Even with an ADHD evaluation and treatment, he won't change or manage to be on time unless he wants to. It's telling that he can be on time for important work meetings but not for his family.

You responded to me and I had just written that my husband, late for everything, is not late anymore on meds. You might say that it's a placebo effect, but I think not.

One thing we haven't yet touched on is severity of disease. My husband and son have severe forms of ADHD. My ADHD is rather mild, so it's understandable that when I make an effort, I'm not late, and when they try their best without meds, they're still late. The only time my unmedicated husband was ever on time was on our wedding day - if his pill replicates "wedding day motivation", then I'm cool with that.

ADHD is still very much misunderstood, probably because it's not yet correctly characterized.

I am sure the medication is helping your DH and it is not a placebo but he was late for everything prior to being treated for ADHD. OP's husband is not and may not have ADHD.

I had a friend who was always late whenever we were to meet and I excused it for a long time because I was sure he had untreated ADHD. I helped him get a great job. Turns out he was never late for work because he really liked the job. Also found out he was not late meeting up with other friends. He just was never on time for me because 1. I wasn't worth the effort to be on time and 2. I tolerated and excused his lateness. We are no longer friends.

OP's husband may or may not have ADHD but he won't stop being late unless he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communicate clearly when YOU and your kids are leaving the house. Then leave the house. If he misses the plane, HE misses the plane.

You really need to just do this.