Reply to Advice-my husband is constantly late for things

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I was chronically late until I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I couldn't focus on one thing long enough to get ready and out the door on time. Or I'd forget what time I was supposed to be there. I didn't realize what a nuisance I was. It was disrespectful and I felt terrible because I knew I should be able to do better, but it wasn't passive aggressive.

Now I'm always 5 minutes early. [/quote]

As the parent of a kid with ADHD, this was my first thought too.[/quote]

OP here.  I think this might have something to do with it.  He will say, "Oh! I forgot my coffee cup!  Oh, I didn't pack the fishing rod. Things like that." He just can't seem to pull focus or pull his shit together. [/quote]

ADHD pp here. I also had trouble prioritizing. It sounds ridiculous, but in the moment I'd get so overwhelmed, I couldn't rank things appropriately. I think that was anxiety (stemming from ADHD, which is very common). In a case like that, I may have made coffee and walked out the door without it. Then I'd feel like I spent that time on the coffee and it's partly why I'm late, so leaving without it means I lose the benefits of having coffee plus I'm late with nothing to show for it. So now, I have to chose to either be 5 minutes  late (or however late I would've been), or add 1-2 minutes to that. So of course I'd go back at that point, because what's the difference between 5 minutes late and 7 minutes late? Never mind that those extra two minutes mean I miss the train, so now I have to wait 10 minutes for the next train. Then god help me if I get distracted and stop for a newspaper or bagel or something because now I have an extra 10 minutes, because something would happen to cause another delay. Or if I spill my coffee on myself, because you know if I can't be organized enough to be on time, I'm juggling 50 things while I'm holding a cup of coffee, and that's a recipe for disaster. So then I show up looking slovenly or I add another 20 minutes to run and change (but I'm also bad at estimating times so it's probably really 40 minutes). And that's the story of how my coffee made me an hour or more late.

If that's really his issue, encourage him to get help for it. Medication makes a world of difference. Not just for him, but for everyone around him. It won't make life perfect, but it helps a lot. Seriously, I've been late once in the last 15 months, and it was beyond my control (medical emergency causing significantly delayed trains). Judging and fighting will make him more anxious and lead to more mistakes or him giving up. Your frustration is understandable, but if ADHD is the root issue,[b] it might not entirely be his fault.[/b] [/quote]

It is entirely his fault if he is late, ADHD or no ADHD, and I say this as an adult with ADHD who has a child with ADHD.  ADHD is not an excuse for being late or any other poor behavior.  I certainly will not be happy if my child used the fact he has ADHD as an excuse for be being chronically late.  That wouldn't be setting him up to grow up to be a responsible adult who is employable.

OP's husband can be on time when he wants to be.  The fact that you are no longer constantly late with ADHD shows people can change but only if they want to change.  I feel bad that OP is asking for strategies on how to deal with a chronically late adult/DH.  Are you his mother?

I recently had to let go an employee for being chronically late.  Late 100% of the time by 30-45 minutes.  Ridiculous.  He probably has ADHD and is a really nice guy, well educated, etc. but being chronically late is a serious character flaw incompatible in most work places and I can commiserate with OP about how it makes "crazy" for every else who has to deal with the chronically tardy.[/quote]

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