Advice-my husband is constantly late for things

[Anonymous]

I will start by saying that I adore my husband, and besides one trait, he is a great dad.

He cannot make it on time to anything. My daughter missed a big swim meet because he could not get out the door. (I had a plumber coming, and had to stay home with the other child.) They have missed birthday parties because he can't pull it all together. (Again, I couldn't attend, and it was up to him.)

He is constantly late for work, and therefore has to do a ton when he gets home to make deadlines, which he always does.

We have talked about it, devised strategies, but he just grins, nods, and does whatever the hell he wants to.

It drives me insane. We have missed planes. He was actually late to our wedding. I have told him this is a problem, and do my best to help mitigate against delays. One time I left for a family outing without him. Just got in the car with the kids and drove off. That didn't go well. We talk about it, he knows how disruptive it is, and I have explained how his behavior is a problem. I am kind and try to be understanding, but it is becoming a huge source of contention, especially now as we juggle work, camp, parties, etc.

I don't know what to do. He seems to be of the mindset that things don't start until we get there, and we miss out on things. Looking for advice on how to approach this, or how others have overcome this as a couple.

[Anonymous]

He needs to see a counselor. His current problem is he doesn't really see it as a problem.

[Anonymous]

How late does he run? Whatever the average lateness is, subtract that from the actual event time. If he's always a half hour late and the party is at three let him know the party is at 2:30. For every single event.

I think he needs to understand that he doesn't see it as a problem but that every single other person in his life sees it negatively. Often people who are late are so because they are self important. They often deny this. But If he realized people thought of him so negatively he would probably change his behavior. So appeal to the narcissist in him.

I'm interested in the family vacation scenario though. What do you mean it didn't go well? Did he really see himself as the victim in it instead of understanding what position it puts you in to be late all the time? Whatever stress he felt when you did that, did he not understand that that's the stress you feel every time he does this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How late does he run? Whatever the average lateness is, subtract that from the actual event time. If he's always a half hour late and the party is at three let him know the party is at 2:30. For every single event.

I think he needs to understand that he doesn't see it as a problem but that every single other person in his life sees it negatively. Often people who are late are so because they are self important. They often deny this. But If he realized people thought of him so negatively he would probably change his behavior. So appeal to the narcissist in him.

I'm interested in the family vacation scenario though. What do you mean it didn't go well? Did he really see himself as the victim in it instead of understanding what position it puts you in to be late all the time? Whatever stress he felt when you did that, did he not understand that that's the stress you feel every time he does this?

We used to do this to my Dad and lie about the time. Still do... works well.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this, or rather used to be??? I don't know if my husband was just so mean about it that it improved, or if she felt more secure about life when she got remarried, but it's gotten a ton better over the last ten years.

My husband has laid into her a few times when were left juggling babies at restaurants for 30+ mins while she does her lipstick or whatever makes her so late, but I think the change is more from how she feels now with a new husband. Like she has to make less of an 'entrance'.

Could this be an insecurity thing? I should mention that MIL has some narcissistic traits too that may be a factor....

[Anonymous]

Honestly? You should've dumped him at the alter.

What you describe is beyond just late. It's unreliable, disrespectful and not compatible with keeping a job, family or friends.

[Anonymous]

My DW is like this. I learned a long time from someone else to no longer say what time we need to get there. I now say what time we need to leave and I factor in her late time. So if takes a half hour to get to a noon event, I say we need to leave at 11am. This has worked for us.

[Anonymous]

My husband used to be like this and I couldn't figure it out, either. The worst was always showing up late to events with my in-laws. I swear the entire extended family always thought it was me.

As I think about it, the only thing that's different now that he's more punctual is that he got a promotion at work to a leadership position. I know he never really felt respected under his former manager.

[Anonymous]

This is serious. I'd have him consult, specifically, a clinical psychologist. Cognitive behavior therapy has the potential to bring significant improvements in a few months.

[Anonymous]

He needs to know that not respecting other peoples time is very disrespectful let alone annoying. Have you asked him why he disrespects you? He doesn't think being late is a problem but would he think that being disrespectful is a problem? I have a golf friend who is always late so I stopped waiting and simply tee off on schedule. The only way you will break him of the habit is to (1) tell him it is disrespectful and (2) leave on schedule with him knowing that is the plan. Don't surprise him by leaving on schedule, tell him that's what you will be doing and if he has a problem with it, he can easily solve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? You should've dumped him at the alter.

What you describe is beyond just late. It's unreliable, disrespectful and not compatible with keeping a job, family or friends.

+1000 He was like this when you married him and he isn't going to change unless he realizes that chronic tardiness is a problem and he wants to change.

I was like this and I changed once we had children because I want to be a good role model. Honestly, would you want your children to be chronically late like your DH?

I am surprised your DH can keep his job... Part of being an adult is being on time and being reliable and responsible. Sounds like he needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

The answers to this post are really weird. I would not consider dumping my DH because he is late. Actually, when dating he was consistently 5-10 minutes late. Now after kids, I am more likely to be the late one (I think I have time for one more thing...)

I agree with telling your spouse an earlier time than necessary. I always tell my mom 15 minutes earlier than the actual time. That helps.

Now my brother is an actual problem--he will say he is going to be somewhere at noon and not show up until 8 pm. I just tell him "we are doing X at noon. You can come if you want." His family usually shows up late but we don't ruin the day waiting for them any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW is like this. I learned a long time from someone else to no longer say what time we need to get there. I now say what time we need to leave and I factor in her late time. So if takes a half hour to get to a noon event, I say we need to leave at 11am. This has worked for us.

It's passive aggressiveness and designed to get a reaction from you.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is unreliable and not dependable. He values his time more than others. Is he aware of that fact? I would not allow that to continue. Explain to him that you will not wait for him any longer. When he is not ready at a designated time, leave. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? You should've dumped him at the alter.

What you describe is beyond just late. It's unreliable, disrespectful and not compatible with keeping a job, family or friends.

This is such a bizarre response. He is incredibly loving, and generous with money and time. He just can't BE on time. And he holds down a job because he is great a what he does, and doesn't miss meetings at work.

I guess I was looking for a more measured form of advice, like strategies. Why do we always go to "He is a jerk" response?