Advice-my husband is constantly late for things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is unreliable and not dependable. He values his time more than others. Is he aware of that fact? I would not allow that to continue. Explain to him that you will not wait for him any longer. When he is not ready at a designated time, leave. Repeat.

People who are chronically late are aware that they are unreliable and not dependable but are late anyway: They just don't care about others and being late and keeping other people waiting is a passive aggressive way of expressing hostility, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? You should've dumped him at the alter.

What you describe is beyond just late. It's unreliable, disrespectful and not compatible with keeping a job, family or friends.

This is such a bizarre response. He is incredibly loving, and generous with money and time. He just can't BE on time. And he holds down a job because he is great a what he does, and doesn't miss meetings at work.

I guess I was looking for a more measured form of advice, like strategies. Why do we always go to "He is a jerk" response?

If he can hold down a job and doesn't miss meetings at work, it shows that he can be on time if he HAS to and thinks the meeting or whatever is important enough. He obviously doesn't prioritize your DD's swim meets, family vacations and activities in the "important enough to be on time" category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? You should've dumped him at the alter.

What you describe is beyond just late. It's unreliable, disrespectful and not compatible with keeping a job, family or friends.

This is such a bizarre response. He is incredibly loving, and generous with money and time. He just can't BE on time. And he holds down a job because he is great a what he does, and doesn't miss meetings at work.

I guess I was looking for a more measured form of advice, like strategies. Why do we always go to "He is a jerk" response?

If he can hold down a job and doesn't miss meetings at work, it shows that he can be on time if he HAS to and thinks the meeting or whatever is important enough. He obviously doesn't prioritize your DD's swim meets, family vacations and activities in the "important enough to be on time" category.

+1

If he's capable of being on time for work, then he's capable of being on time for kid's activities and family events. He just doesn't care or value those things enough to be on time.

[Anonymous]

I was chronically late until I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I couldn't focus on one thing long enough to get ready and out the door on time. Or I'd forget what time I was supposed to be there. I didn't realize what a nuisance I was. It was disrespectful and I felt terrible because I knew I should be able to do better, but it wasn't passive aggressive.

Now I'm always 5 minutes early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? You should've dumped him at the alter.

What you describe is beyond just late. It's unreliable, disrespectful and not compatible with keeping a job, family or friends.

This is such a bizarre response. He is incredibly loving, and generous with money and time. He just can't BE on time. And he holds down a job because he is great a what he does, and doesn't miss meetings at work.

I guess I was looking for a more measured form of advice, like strategies. Why do we always go to "He is a jerk" response?

If he can hold down a job and doesn't miss meetings at work, it shows that he can be on time if he HAS to and thinks the meeting or whatever is important enough. He obviously doesn't prioritize your DD's swim meets, family vacations and activities in the "important enough to be on time" category.

+1

If he's capable of being on time for work, then he's capable of being on time for kid's activities and family events. He just doesn't care or value those things enough to be on time.

+2 My DH is always late if we're meeting up with, say, my college friends, or headed to a birthday party for one of our kids. But if we're meeting up with some of his friends or going to a work event for him, you'd better believe he's either on time or early. I've started lying about start times too, and stressed the importance of being on time and respecting my friends, etc., and he's gotten lots better. The difference, OP, is that my husband seems to care that I hate it when yours doesn't seem to respect your time or your kids. I told my husband point blank that he was being disrespectful of my time and that of my friends, and that seemed to snap him into gear. I find it strange that he's late for work though. My DH would never ever be late unless forced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was chronically late until I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I couldn't focus on one thing long enough to get ready and out the door on time. Or I'd forget what time I was supposed to be there. I didn't realize what a nuisance I was. It was disrespectful and I felt terrible because I knew I should be able to do better, but it wasn't passive aggressive.

Now I'm always 5 minutes early.

As the parent of a kid with ADHD, this was my first thought too.

[Anonymous]

Communicate clearly when YOU and your kids are leaving the house. Then leave the house. If he misses the plane, HE misses the plane.

[Anonymous]

He is chronically late for work? What?? And he keeps his job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was chronically late until I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I couldn't focus on one thing long enough to get ready and out the door on time. Or I'd forget what time I was supposed to be there. I didn't realize what a nuisance I was. It was disrespectful and I felt terrible because I knew I should be able to do better, but it wasn't passive aggressive.

Now I'm always 5 minutes early.

As the parent of a kid with ADHD, this was my first thought too.

OP here. I think this might have something to do with it. He will say, "Oh! I forgot my coffee cup! Oh, I didn't pack the fishing rod. Things like that." He just can't seem to pull focus or pull his shit together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was chronically late until I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I couldn't focus on one thing long enough to get ready and out the door on time. Or I'd forget what time I was supposed to be there. I didn't realize what a nuisance I was. It was disrespectful and I felt terrible because I knew I should be able to do better, but it wasn't passive aggressive.

Now I'm always 5 minutes early.

As the parent of a kid with ADHD, this was my first thought too.

OP here. I think this might have something to do with it. He will say, "Oh! I forgot my coffee cup! Oh, I didn't pack the fishing rod. Things like that." He just can't seem to pull focus or pull his shit together.

ADHD pp here. I also had trouble prioritizing. It sounds ridiculous, but in the moment I'd get so overwhelmed, I couldn't rank things appropriately. I think that was anxiety (stemming from ADHD, which is very common). In a case like that, I may have made coffee and walked out the door without it. Then I'd feel like I spent that time on the coffee and it's partly why I'm late, so leaving without it means I lose the benefits of having coffee plus I'm late with nothing to show for it. So now, I have to chose to either be 5 minutes late (or however late I would've been), or add 1-2 minutes to that. So of course I'd go back at that point, because what's the difference between 5 minutes late and 7 minutes late? Never mind that those extra two minutes mean I miss the train, so now I have to wait 10 minutes for the next train. Then god help me if I get distracted and stop for a newspaper or bagel or something because now I have an extra 10 minutes, because something would happen to cause another delay. Or if I spill my coffee on myself, because you know if I can't be organized enough to be on time, I'm juggling 50 things while I'm holding a cup of coffee, and that's a recipe for disaster. So then I show up looking slovenly or I add another 20 minutes to run and change (but I'm also bad at estimating times so it's probably really 40 minutes). And that's the story of how my coffee made me an hour or more late.

If that's really his issue, encourage him to get help for it. Medication makes a world of difference. Not just for him, but for everyone around him. It won't make life perfect, but it helps a lot. Seriously, I've been late once in the last 15 months, and it was beyond my control (medical emergency causing significantly delayed trains). Judging and fighting will make him more anxious and lead to more mistakes or him giving up. Your frustration is understandable, but if ADHD is the root issue, it might not entirely be his fault.

[Anonymous]

Lateness is one of my biggest pet peeves. I wouldn't tolerate it. If he did not seek assistance to stop this behavior, I would let him know what time I will be leaving for xyz events with the children and leave him to his own devices to get there. I wouldn't have him be the one to take a kid someplace while I waited for the plumber. He would wait at the house and I would get the kid to the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lateness is one of my biggest pet peeves. I wouldn't tolerate it. If he did not seek assistance to stop this behavior, I would let him know what time I will be leaving for xyz events with the children and leave him to his own devices to get there. I wouldn't have him be the one to take a kid someplace while I waited for the plumber. He would wait at the house and I would get the kid to the party.

+1
The fact that he manages to be on time for [important] work events is key. He can do it when he wants to, but he's choosing not to.

If it is (or you think it might be) ADHD, he can choose to be assessed and develop appropriate coping strategies (packing ahead of time, building in extra time, ...). Or he can choose not to be assessed, but then it is on him to clean up his act.

But for now, I'd recommend saying outright that no family arrangements will rely on him. When it's time to go, you go. If there's a choice about who waits at home and who takes/picks up the kid, he stays at home.
If he's late to an event, he's late alone (I am assuming you have two cars). If these plans are more burdensome, he bears the burden, unless/until he can show that he can respect your time and that of your kids.

[Anonymous]

He's selfish and irresponsible. And you enable him. Make him wait for the plumber. Leave for the airport without him. So what if he gets mad. If he'd grow the eff up, this wouldn't be a problem. He thinks he's more important than anyone else. How the hell does he keep a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's selfish and irresponsible. And you enable him. Make him wait for the plumber. Leave for the airport without him. So what if he gets mad. If he'd grow the eff up, this wouldn't be a problem. He thinks he's more important than anyone else. How the hell does he keep a job?

Agreed. I would not tolerate someone trying to make me late because he can't pull it together. You go on time, he'll show up when/ if he wants to. And if, like you said in your OP, it doesn't go over well, remind him what he needs to do to change it (be ready on time).

[Anonymous]

My husband likes to be early for everything. It drives me crazy. If a party starts at 7:00 then we are sitting in the driveway at 6:50 and he won't wait until 7:00 to ring the doorbell. We're the awkward people there when the host isn't quite ready for people to arrive.

I will be on time or even early for things like flights, but I really dislike being the first to arrive for social events.

I would give him some things that are non-negotiable--he can't be late for work, flights, doctor appointments etc., but maybe give him a bit of leeway for other events?

Since I know I can tend to be late, I put strategies in place for things that are very important--set two alarms for earlier than necessary and have them go off within 10 minutes of each other, set out things the night before so I can just grab and go, put addresses in my phone so I'm not searching for it. Things like that. Maybe he needs some help with figuring out strategies that will work for him.