Need to forget about someone- how? Need help.

[Anonymous]

To the Tylenol pm poster - there are studies saying that given how our bodies our wired Tylenol actually helps us with emotional pain. The pm effect would be a nice addition. Thanks for reminding me about that! I'm the one month in poster.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superhuman-mind/201304/do-you-suffer-emotional-pain-or-anxiety-pop-tylenol%3Famp

http://socialpsychonline.com/2016/05/tylenol-pain-psychology-acetaminophen/

[Anonymous]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superhuman-mind/201304/do-you-suffer-emotional-pain-or-anxiety-pop-tylenol?amp

Reposting the first link

[Anonymous]

Uhhh doesn't that sound like a surefire way to develop a pain pill dependency?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you get over him by getting under someone else

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh doesn't that sound like a surefire way to develop a pain pill dependency?

Yeah that seems like a bad idea. Avoidance and numbing the pain are generally not the best advised route

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Was involved with someone in a complicated manner. Long story short, I need to forget about him. Thoughts of him, what we had, what we said, what I wish I/he said, etc consume me. On a daily basis. I need desperately to forget. Would appreciate stories, tips, anecdotes on how to do this. I recognize it's not healthy, and I need to stop.

Same here (woman here).

[Anonymous]

Um, Tylenol pm isn't an addictive narcotic. Taking one or two a few times a week is NOT going to make you an addict.

[Anonymous]

This is how I wrote my first novel. Nothing else worked, OP; those fretting about it were long and terrible, and you have my sympathy. Accepting that I had a lot of pain and angst about what had happened/the person was the first step. It wasn't going to go away, so I needed something to distract myself. Looking back, this is the only way I would ever have been able to make it through my first novel: the pain came every night, and that's when I would sit down and write, which is also painful enough to that it numbed my anxiety about the situation, and then left me with a tired, proud, blank feeling that was the only way I could get to sleep.

I worked on my book every night for a year. I started reading about writing for publication (Noah' Lukeman's The First Five Pages is the best, followed by Stephen King's A Memoir of the Craft). I read a lot of poetry for the "sound" of the language.
Now my two self-published books on Amazon make a tidy little amount for me each month (not a fortune, but enough to justify a few little splurges), and I'm working on the book I hope will be traditionally published.

Writing is so much more productive than meds or alcohol, and in the end you have something beautiful to show for your pain. And you end up a different person (someone who created art, and who is pursuing and growing in a new interest), and THAT changes your perspective about whatever you were obsessed enough with to write.

I don't really care one way or another about that person I couldn't get over all those years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how I wrote my first novel. Nothing else worked, OP; those fretting about it were long and terrible, and you have my sympathy. Accepting that I had a lot of pain and angst about what had happened/the person was the first step. It wasn't going to go away, so I needed something to distract myself. Looking back, this is the only way I would ever have been able to make it through my first novel: the pain came every night, and that's when I would sit down and write, which is also painful enough to that it numbed my anxiety about the situation, and then left me with a tired, proud, blank feeling that was the only way I could get to sleep.

I worked on my book every night for a year. I started reading about writing for publication (Noah' Lukeman's The First Five Pages is the best, followed by Stephen King's A Memoir of the Craft). I read a lot of poetry for the "sound" of the language.
Now my two self-published books on Amazon make a tidy little amount for me each month (not a fortune, but enough to justify a few little splurges), and I'm working on the book I hope will be traditionally published.

Writing is so much more productive than meds or alcohol, and in the end you have something beautiful to show for your pain. And you end up a different person (someone who created art, and who is pursuing and growing in a new interest), and THAT changes your perspective about whatever you were obsessed enough with to write.

*NIGHTS fretting about it

I don't really care one way or another about that person I couldn't get over all those years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

You'll never be able to move on if you don't go told turkey. A psychologist once explained it to me in terms of an intermittent reward schedule. You never know what you're going to get from him so it becomes more exciting to you brain, like gambling. As long as the throws you a crumb every once in a while, you're hooked. Stop asking for crumbs!

https://www.alleydog.com/glossary/definition.php?term=Intermittent%20Reinforcement

I'm in the same boat and my therapist explained it the same way re: crumbs!!!

[Anonymous]

When a cute new guy is going to town behind you ?Doggie style you'll forget all about the other guy. Rinse and repeat!

You know how guys get over some girl. They get a new one.
Don't over complicate things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

I'm PP and yes I can toootally relate to that. I was stuck in that (soul crushingly all-encompassing...) dynamic for almost 2 years all said and done, which is pathetic I know. There'd be an intense week or so where we were texting constantly - perfect banter, felt like an otherworldly connection etc etc you know the drill - followed by a couple months of silence and the whole thrill of who will reach out first?? This isn't an area I particularly wished to have expertise in...buuuut I do so hopefully you can benefit! Seriously it's the only way, the sooner you truly cut the cord the sooner you can start to move on.

The whole back and forth chase thing is alluring and can be way too fun, but you KNOW what's happening when he hasn't heard from you in 2 months and then reaches out - he's making sure he still 'has' you; making sure he's still in the forefront of your mind because he can annoyingly sense that maybe you've had a few good days of non-obsessing. I think it helps to think about future you, and how appreciative she'll be if you end this maturely with your head high and pride intact, and start the inevitable grieving then healing process. I agree with posters who recommend writing out your feelings (or talking out with a trusted friend, if you prefer) - not to send to him, but you have to get those feelings out somehow. Take their power away

^same PP again. I wanted to add: I'm not sure about your situation or what's going on in your / his life. But I'll come out and say it bc this is anonymous: in my case, he was married. (I know, not cool at all. And we never even got physical...but we went deeeeep down the destructive emotional affair rabbithole). But anyways because of that, I was obviously ashamed and keeping it all in. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. When I finally did, I was terrified but the relief was INSANE. I don't know if you have a close trusted friend you feel like you could share this with, but that was a huge part of my healing, as well as my accountability. I told my best friend about it and would text her instead when I was having a moment of weakness and wanted to reach out to him. Believe it or not that whole time actually brought us even closer. I was able to be similarly there for her when she went through a hard breakup later. Opening up to her brought me both solidarity and accountability - not sure if it's an option but you would be surprised how wonderful and understanding people who really have your back are when life gets hard, if you let them

Thanks for this. I have confided in a friend who has been very supportive, nonjudgemental, but also firm with advice. Very grateful for this friend, but its utimately something I have to conquer on my own, and it has been a yo yo now, back and forth, ups and downs. I'm tired of feeling so obsessive over every word or non-word.

Good, I'm glad to hear that. And ah I know exactly what you mean by firm with advice - you know logically she's right, but it's just not that easy when it feels SO constant and complicated and all-consuming. I can tell you I do totally understand how you're feeling, and if you offered me $3 million to go back to that point in my life and have to relive it, I'm honestly not sure that I would take it. It suuuuucked. But I'm happy to report that almost 5 years later I'm GOOD...I'm living an entirely different life. There was a lot of perspective that came once I truly allowed myself to separate from the madness. So, just know that *I* believe in you! I think it's huge that you've taken a step back and realized you're in an unhealthy place and need to get out of it. Cutting it off for good will be hard but SO worth it. My advice is to make that commitment to yourself. And seriously the first few weeks / months are the hardest...I'm not saying it won't annoyingly hit you out of nowhere on a random night 6 months down the road, but it's much more short-lived and easier to deal with at that point. Good luck girl! Would recommend ramping up your workout routine and binge watching a show or two in the meantime, and must reemphasize avoid drinking too much (haha aka do as I say, not as I did...). The crazy will dissipate / the spell will be broken / whatever you wanna say, I promise

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how I wrote my first novel. Nothing else worked, OP; those fretting about it were long and terrible, and you have my sympathy. Accepting that I had a lot of pain and angst about what had happened/the person was the first step. It wasn't going to go away, so I needed something to distract myself. Looking back, this is the only way I would ever have been able to make it through my first novel: the pain came every night, and that's when I would sit down and write, which is also painful enough to that it numbed my anxiety about the situation, and then left me with a tired, proud, blank feeling that was the only way I could get to sleep.

I worked on my book every night for a year. I started reading about writing for publication (Noah' Lukeman's The First Five Pages is the best, followed by Stephen King's A Memoir of the Craft). I read a lot of poetry for the "sound" of the language.
Now my two self-published books on Amazon make a tidy little amount for me each month (not a fortune, but enough to justify a few little splurges), and I'm working on the book I hope will be traditionally published.

Writing is so much more productive than meds or alcohol, and in the end you have something beautiful to show for your pain. And you end up a different person (someone who created art, and who is pursuing and growing in a new interest), and THAT changes your perspective about whatever you were obsessed enough with to write.

I don't really care one way or another about that person I couldn't get over all those years ago.

Cool, that's awesome! Was the novel about / based on that experience, or something different entirely?

[Anonymous]

Give him one last roll in the old hay. When done with that just tell him it's been fun but you are no longer a part or of value to my life. That will end iit with satisfaction

[Anonymous]

What worked best for me was to spend time collecting all of the reasons the relationship fell apart, all of the things I disliked and couldn't handle, even small things. If I started thinking about the person, I would take out proportionally big negative thoughts to remind myself why we were not together. So, if I was reminded of a small thing that was good, like when she bought me something I liked, I would remember something small I didn't like, for instance when she stood me up for a casual last minute meet up. If it was something bigger, then I would think about something bigger that bothered me about her. I continually countered nostalgia, love, missing her, with things that we're good and slowly programmed myself to think more of the reasons why we broke up than about the reasons we were together. It still took a while, but it definitely kept me from reaching out or responding if she reached out to me.