Need to forget about someone- how? Need help.

[Anonymous]

Speaking of books, "He's Just Not Into You" is a GREAT read for just this sort of thing. It helped me through a similar situation. Still feelings lingered for a bit, but the bottom line is that you DO have to GO COLD TURKEY. The truth is that TIME will heal you of this. What's helping me is thinking back on the other times I felt similarly about other men in the past. It hurt and felt confusing for a little bit but once I moved on, it was over. NOTHING for them. As another poster said, allow yourself to sit in the sadness and loss for a day or two. Then, get involved in an activity that will keep you busy and let TIME do it's work.

Just think about it, in a few months this will be a distant memory--not even a dull pain--for you.

[Anonymous]

Oh yea, get out there and meet new people. Grab a few girlfriends and go to the movies, museums, shopping. Depending on your age, hit up a bar or two. Just have FUN in your singleness, knowing that the RIGHT one will come along at the RIGHT time! The DMV has TONS of activities for singles--speed dating, meet ups etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

I am right there with you. It is like a drug addiction. I set goals for myself--go x days without contact. It helps knowing that I'm giving myself an opportunity for contact down the right and it allows me to do not obsess. My issue is when I've done this, he has contacted me. It's been 8 months but I finally feel like the high is dissipating--but in our case it is because we are trying to be friends and I'm comforted knowing he's trying to be a friend back.

"Trying to be friends" means he doesn't have to deal with any feelings about the loss of the relationship - he knows you are in the wings. That's why he contacts you when you go silent for a while - butvonce he has you back, he can disconnect once more.

There must be some kind of secondary gain for you to be pursuing and pining over an unavailable person - perhaps it's playing out an unresolved conflict from your childhood. But your actions reflect that you don't value yourself at all. He is going to sense that too. You have to get some therapy and break this cycle.

Is this man married or in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree you need to cut all contact. Block him or send strongly worded ending it emails. Save them and reread as necessary. Make lists of what was wrong and read them again and again. Complicated relationships take a lot of energy and are a lot of pull and once you're free from that you will feel better (eventually).

If you want to talk to him write it out and save it in a draft. Don't send or decide you will send in one week if you still feel the same. Chances are you won't.

Read 'it's called a break up because it's broken.' It's light hearted and an easy read but so true.

I'm in the same boat and approaching one month of zero contact with someone I loved very much. It's hard as hell sometimes. Meditation helps me. I use a 10 minutes a day app called Headspace. It's primary purpose is creating space between you and your thoughts, so that they're not so consuming.

Go to therapy to figure out why you settled for and stayed in a relationship that was less than ideal.

I'm in month 6 of recovery and finally feeling like I'm over him. I did all of the things this PP recommends: going cold turkey, sending him a an email that made it clear we were done, therapy, reading books about getting over break ups, meditation, a lot of journaling ( writing to him without sending it, writing about him, focusing on the bad about him and what was good about being free of him). I also went on a dating binge for a short time to distract myself with others. The one absolute rule is that you stop all contact, block him, delete him from social media , etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

What do you do when you work with the person? Never date coworkers.

[Anonymous]

Nothing but time passing did it for me; took about a year though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

I'm PP and yes I can toootally relate to that. I was stuck in that (soul crushingly all-encompassing...) dynamic for almost 2 years all said and done, which is pathetic I know. There'd be an intense week or so where we were texting constantly - perfect banter, felt like an otherworldly connection etc etc you know the drill - followed by a couple months of silence and the whole thrill of who will reach out first?? This isn't an area I particularly wished to have expertise in...buuuut I do so hopefully you can benefit! Seriously it's the only way, the sooner you truly cut the cord the sooner you can start to move on.

The whole back and forth chase thing is alluring and can be way too fun, but you KNOW what's happening when he hasn't heard from you in 2 months and then reaches out - he's making sure he still 'has' you; making sure he's still in the forefront of your mind because he can annoyingly sense that maybe you've had a few good days of non-obsessing. I think it helps to think about future you, and how appreciative she'll be if you end this maturely with your head high and pride intact, and start the inevitable grieving then healing process. I agree with posters who recommend writing out your feelings (or talking out with a trusted friend, if you prefer) - not to send to him, but you have to get those feelings out somehow. Take their power away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

I'm PP and yes I can toootally relate to that. I was stuck in that (soul crushingly all-encompassing...) dynamic for almost 2 years all said and done, which is pathetic I know. There'd be an intense week or so where we were texting constantly - perfect banter, felt like an otherworldly connection etc etc you know the drill - followed by a couple months of silence and the whole thrill of who will reach out first?? This isn't an area I particularly wished to have expertise in...buuuut I do so hopefully you can benefit! Seriously it's the only way, the sooner you truly cut the cord the sooner you can start to move on.

The whole back and forth chase thing is alluring and can be way too fun, but you KNOW what's happening when he hasn't heard from you in 2 months and then reaches out - he's making sure he still 'has' you; making sure he's still in the forefront of your mind because he can annoyingly sense that maybe you've had a few good days of non-obsessing. I think it helps to think about future you, and how appreciative she'll be if you end this maturely with your head high and pride intact, and start the inevitable grieving then healing process. I agree with posters who recommend writing out your feelings (or talking out with a trusted friend, if you prefer) - not to send to him, but you have to get those feelings out somehow. Take their power away

WOW. This is me exactly! I swear its like he senses when Im doing OK or like i said, about to turn that corner and move on/be confidently in a good place....and BAM he appears. It's like he is in my head..."she hasn't contacted me in a while, she must be focusing her attention on something else positive...let me mess up her head and contact her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

I'm PP and yes I can toootally relate to that. I was stuck in that (soul crushingly all-encompassing...) dynamic for almost 2 years all said and done, which is pathetic I know. There'd be an intense week or so where we were texting constantly - perfect banter, felt like an otherworldly connection etc etc you know the drill - followed by a couple months of silence and the whole thrill of who will reach out first?? This isn't an area I particularly wished to have expertise in...buuuut I do so hopefully you can benefit! Seriously it's the only way, the sooner you truly cut the cord the sooner you can start to move on.

The whole back and forth chase thing is alluring and can be way too fun, but you KNOW what's happening when he hasn't heard from you in 2 months and then reaches out - he's making sure he still 'has' you; making sure he's still in the forefront of your mind because he can annoyingly sense that maybe you've had a few good days of non-obsessing. I think it helps to think about future you, and how appreciative she'll be if you end this maturely with your head high and pride intact, and start the inevitable grieving then healing process. I agree with posters who recommend writing out your feelings (or talking out with a trusted friend, if you prefer) - not to send to him, but you have to get those feelings out somehow. Take their power away

^same PP again. I wanted to add: I'm not sure about your situation or what's going on in your / his life. But I'll come out and say it bc this is anonymous: in my case, he was married. (I know, not cool at all. And we never even got physical...but we went deeeeep down the destructive emotional affair rabbithole). But anyways because of that, I was obviously ashamed and keeping it all in. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. When I finally did, I was terrified but the relief was INSANE. I don't know if you have a close trusted friend you feel like you could share this with, but that was a huge part of my healing, as well as my accountability. I told my best friend about it and would text her instead when I was having a moment of weakness and wanted to reach out to him. Believe it or not that whole time actually brought us even closer. I was able to be similarly there for her when she went through a hard breakup later. Opening up to her brought me both solidarity and accountability - not sure if it's an option but you would be surprised how wonderful and understanding people who really have your back are when life gets hard, if you let them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

I'm PP and yes I can toootally relate to that. I was stuck in that (soul crushingly all-encompassing...) dynamic for almost 2 years all said and done, which is pathetic I know. There'd be an intense week or so where we were texting constantly - perfect banter, felt like an otherworldly connection etc etc you know the drill - followed by a couple months of silence and the whole thrill of who will reach out first?? This isn't an area I particularly wished to have expertise in...buuuut I do so hopefully you can benefit! Seriously it's the only way, the sooner you truly cut the cord the sooner you can start to move on.

The whole back and forth chase thing is alluring and can be way too fun, but you KNOW what's happening when he hasn't heard from you in 2 months and then reaches out - he's making sure he still 'has' you; making sure he's still in the forefront of your mind because he can annoyingly sense that maybe you've had a few good days of non-obsessing. I think it helps to think about future you, and how appreciative she'll be if you end this maturely with your head high and pride intact, and start the inevitable grieving then healing process. I agree with posters who recommend writing out your feelings (or talking out with a trusted friend, if you prefer) - not to send to him, but you have to get those feelings out somehow. Take their power away

WOW. This is me exactly! I swear its like he senses when Im doing OK or like i said, about to turn that corner and move on/be confidently in a good place....and BAM he appears. It's like he is in my head..."she hasn't contacted me in a while, she must be focusing her attention on something else positive...let me mess up her head and contact her."

Yes!!! I know, it's truly maddening. It really is like a (terrible) sixth sense

[Anonymous]

Block his phone number and delete it. You have to treat this like he is dead. Do not try to be friends with him. You emotionally can not handle a friendship with him.

You'll know, in the future, if you can be friends with him if you can meet his new girlfriend and truly be happy that he's found someone. Until then, the friendship is just a ruse to stay close to him and hope romance blossoms again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

I'm PP and yes I can toootally relate to that. I was stuck in that (soul crushingly all-encompassing...) dynamic for almost 2 years all said and done, which is pathetic I know. There'd be an intense week or so where we were texting constantly - perfect banter, felt like an otherworldly connection etc etc you know the drill - followed by a couple months of silence and the whole thrill of who will reach out first?? This isn't an area I particularly wished to have expertise in...buuuut I do so hopefully you can benefit! Seriously it's the only way, the sooner you truly cut the cord the sooner you can start to move on.

The whole back and forth chase thing is alluring and can be way too fun, but you KNOW what's happening when he hasn't heard from you in 2 months and then reaches out - he's making sure he still 'has' you; making sure he's still in the forefront of your mind because he can annoyingly sense that maybe you've had a few good days of non-obsessing. I think it helps to think about future you, and how appreciative she'll be if you end this maturely with your head high and pride intact, and start the inevitable grieving then healing process. I agree with posters who recommend writing out your feelings (or talking out with a trusted friend, if you prefer) - not to send to him, but you have to get those feelings out somehow. Take their power away

^same PP again. I wanted to add: I'm not sure about your situation or what's going on in your / his life. But I'll come out and say it bc this is anonymous: in my case, he was married. (I know, not cool at all. And we never even got physical...but we went deeeeep down the destructive emotional affair rabbithole). But anyways because of that, I was obviously ashamed and keeping it all in. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. When I finally did, I was terrified but the relief was INSANE. I don't know if you have a close trusted friend you feel like you could share this with, but that was a huge part of my healing, as well as my accountability. I told my best friend about it and would text her instead when I was having a moment of weakness and wanted to reach out to him. Believe it or not that whole time actually brought us even closer. I was able to be similarly there for her when she went through a hard breakup later. Opening up to her brought me both solidarity and accountability - not sure if it's an option but you would be surprised how wonderful and understanding people who really have your back are when life gets hard, if you let them

Thanks for this. I have confided in a friend who has been very supportive, nonjudgemental, but also firm with advice. Very grateful for this friend, but its utimately something I have to conquer on my own, and it has been a yo yo now, back and forth, ups and downs. I'm tired of feeling so obsessive over every word or non-word.

[Anonymous]

You need to block him 100% cold turkey. No contact. None. I'm saying this as a woman who is going through a divorce from a man I believed up until the last moment was my soulmate for 17 years.

Block on social media.
Block his number on your phone.
Block his e-mail.
Whenever you feel like you need to contact him, write him a letter long hand and then burn it or throw it away. Get your emotions out that way.
Find a new hobby. Anything . . . yoga, walks, painting, something to occupy your free time.

The nights are hardest. Take some tylenol PM to get through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if I actually let myself feel the feelings, don't fight them, feel them, they go away sooner. The toughts you have to work on stopping but let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness and the feelings will lessen over time.

Not sure if this works for me, at the moment. My problem is that when I feel those feelings- missing him, wondering what he is doing, etc etc, I end up acting on them, and contacting him. Then I get pulled back down into the rabbit hole---if he does not respond, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds, but in a fairly short way, I analyze it and get sad. If he responds and we reengage in long back and forth conversation, I feel happy. It's like a drug addiction that I know is not good for me, I try and go cold turkey but have slip ups.

Nooooo you have to go completely cold turkey. Seriously there is no other way, don't drag it out - don't do that to yourself. It will be tough and honestly it will likely take months once you do so...but you CAN feel sane again. However, that will only start once you truly cut it off. It will get easier with time...you'll still get those occasional strong pangs (it really is almost like a drug!), but with the benefit of time and space you'll recognize that they will pop up and pass relatively quickly. That makes it easier to see them rationally, and decide not to act on them (which feels good, trust me). But seriously you have to go entirely no contact, for the long haul. And in the meantime, don't drink too much [/quote]

Thank you for this. I've gone thru weeks or 1, 2 months without contacting him. But never more than that. Either I cave and reach out, or inevitably, just as soon as i think I have turned the corner, he reaches out.

I'm PP and yes I can toootally relate to that. I was stuck in that (soul crushingly all-encompassing...) dynamic for almost 2 years all said and done, which is pathetic I know. There'd be an intense week or so where we were texting constantly - perfect banter, felt like an otherworldly connection etc etc you know the drill - followed by a couple months of silence and the whole thrill of who will reach out first?? This isn't an area I particularly wished to have expertise in...buuuut I do so hopefully you can benefit! Seriously it's the only way, the sooner you truly cut the cord the sooner you can start to move on.

The whole back and forth chase thing is alluring and can be way too fun, but you KNOW what's happening when he hasn't heard from you in 2 months and then reaches out - he's making sure he still 'has' you; making sure he's still in the forefront of your mind because he can annoyingly sense that maybe you've had a few good days of non-obsessing. I think it helps to think about future you, and how appreciative she'll be if you end this maturely with your head high and pride intact, and start the inevitable grieving then healing process. I agree with posters who recommend writing out your feelings (or talking out with a trusted friend, if you prefer) - not to send to him, but you have to get those feelings out somehow. Take their power away

^same PP again. I wanted to add: I'm not sure about your situation or what's going on in your / his life. But I'll come out and say it bc this is anonymous: in my case, he was married. (I know, not cool at all. And we never even got physical...but we went deeeeep down the destructive emotional affair rabbithole). But anyways because of that, I was obviously ashamed and keeping it all in. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. When I finally did, I was terrified but the relief was INSANE. I don't know if you have a close trusted friend you feel like you could share this with, but that was a huge part of my healing, as well as my accountability. I told my best friend about it and would text her instead when I was having a moment of weakness and wanted to reach out to him. Believe it or not that whole time actually brought us even closer. I was able to be similarly there for her when she went through a hard breakup later. Opening up to her brought me both solidarity and accountability - not sure if it's an option but you would be surprised how wonderful and understanding people who really have your back are when life gets hard, if you let them

Thanks for this. I have confided in a friend who has been very supportive, nonjudgemental, but also firm with advice. Very grateful for this friend, but its utimately something I have to conquer on my own, and it has been a yo yo now, back and forth, ups and downs. I'm tired of feeling so obsessive over every word or non-word.

Good, I'm glad to hear that. And ah I know exactly what you mean by firm with advice - you know logically she's right, but it's just not that easy when it feels SO constant and complicated and all-consuming. I can tell you I do totally understand how you're feeling, and if you offered me $3 million to go back to that point in my life and have to relive it, I'm honestly not sure that I would take it. It suuuuucked. But I'm happy to report that almost 5 years later I'm GOOD...I'm living an entirely different life. There was a lot of perspective that came once I truly allowed myself to separate from the madness. So, just know that *I* believe in you! I think it's huge that you've taken a step back and realized you're in an unhealthy place and need to get out of it. Cutting it off for good will be hard but SO worth it. My advice is to make that commitment to yourself. And seriously the first few weeks / months are the hardest...I'm not saying it won't annoyingly hit you out of nowhere on a random night 6 months down the road, but it's much more short-lived and easier to deal with at that point. Good luck girl! Would recommend ramping up your workout routine and binge watching a show or two in the meantime, and must reemphasize avoid drinking too much (haha aka do as I say, not as I did...). The crazy will dissipate / the spell will be broken / whatever you wanna say, I promise