relationship with son difficult because of girlfriend

[Anonymous]

I couldn't get past that you are paying his bills. I have four adult kids and one in high school. They paid towards their own car insurance even as teens. They moved out in college and never moved back in. They are adults. Your mistake is giving your child money and then using that to control him.

You cannot control whom your adult children choose to date and marry. Your son will choose his wife over you, as he should. You will lose your son and likely have no relationship with your grandchildren. If that's what you want, then continue. The only way to fix this is to trust your son to find his own path. Stop giving him money. Start getting to know his girlfriend. Let go of your need to control and replace it with affirmations of trust in your child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did not give him money in order to control him. I gave him money so that he could go to college. I encouraged him to work more, but that was not something he did. I could have stopped giving him money and he would have left college I suppose. But he did graduate from college in four years so that's something.

I do not expect to choose who he dates or who he marries. However, that does not mean that I have to approve of just anyone. I am not an intolerant person, but I do have some standards. I suppose I can fake my approval so that I will not "lose my son", but that seems a bit disingenuous. I think children can sense your disapproval even if you fake it. Just saying. Maybe I need to learn to do this.

I will definitely stop giving him money. I would much rather see him independent of me. For sure. Getting to know his girlfriend would be easier if she didn't live 4 hours away and didn't have to spend the night in my house (because that is what he wants me to approve of). And putting her in a separate room would be very uncomfortable knowing that they have been together for 3 years. Does this make sense?

I understand what you are saying. I think if he were living in a separate abode with her it would be easier for me to deal with it because he would not be dependent upon me for anything. You are lucky that your four children never moved back in after college. I don't think having children move back in after college is unusual these days. It's not something you had to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I did not give him money in order to control him. I gave him money so that he could go to college. I encouraged him to work more, but that was not something he did. I could have stopped giving him money and he would have left college I suppose. But he did graduate from college in four years so that's something.

I do not expect to choose who he dates or who he marries. However, that does not mean that I have to approve of just anyone. I am not an intolerant person, but I do have some standards. I suppose I can fake my approval so that I will not "lose my son", but that seems a bit disingenuous. I think children can sense your disapproval even if you fake it. Just saying. Maybe I need to learn to do this.

I will definitely stop giving him money. I would much rather see him independent of me. For sure. Getting to know his girlfriend would be easier if she didn't live 4 hours away and didn't have to spend the night in my house (because that is what he wants me to approve of). And putting her in a separate room would be very uncomfortable knowing that they have been together for 3 years. Does this make sense?

I understand what you are saying. I think if he were living in a separate abode with her it would be easier for me to deal with it because he would not be dependent upon me for anything. You are lucky that your four children never moved back in after college. I don't think having children move back in after college is unusual these days. It's not something you had to deal with.

OP I'm just a coule years older than your son. I lived with my parents for a time post college, they didn't pay for my car, my insurance. I had to pay a small amount of rent, and I couldn't have my boyfriend sleep over. Why? Because my parents didn't want me to get to comfortable. They wanted me to be an adult, move out get a place of my own, I would have had no reason to do that if mom & dad were financing everything.
Right now you're son's got it made . He doesn't have to work, you guys are paying for his car, his got a free place to live and a girlfriend. What cause does he have to grow up?

As for getting to know the girl, you can have her over for dinner and that doesn't mean she has to stay the night.

[Anonymous]

There is something to be said for having the girl over for dinner and being welcoming and courteous. Not because you want this relationship, but because right now your son has been given the opportunity to see how his lady love would fit into his existing family. It's only when you bring everyone together that fault lines will show up, and he might realize that she is really not the right kind of person.

Same idea that PP had for finding him a good job and letting him see what kind of women his work colleagues are dating.

As for his self-esteem issues, do you think he would agree to seeing a therapist, and enrolling in a weight loss program (if that is his issue)?

[Anonymous]

*has not been given*

[Anonymous]

What does a troubled 30 year old woman see in a 22 year old man? A 22 yesr old who doesn't have a job and lives with mom and dad. Most 30 year old women would never get involved with that.

[Anonymous]

Is she not, or does she share some interest with your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once again DCUM shows it's misandry. If this had been a parent speaking of their 22 year old recent grad daughter dating a 30 something felon with no career there would be 20 pages of warnings that he is abuse who is going to ruin her life and you need to do everything you can to help her see it.
Because it's a male and his girlfriend it's somehow a beautiful lovestory and OP just needs to get over it because everyone knows men can't be abused and taken advantage of.

Personally, I don't see how OP would have any more luck controlling an adult DD than she does her adult DS, so my advice would be the same.

[Anonymous]

What does a troubled 30 year old woman see in a 22 year old man? A 22 yesr old who doesn't have a job and lives with mom and dad. Most 30 year old women would never get involved with that.

I think the word "troubled" is key here. You answered your own question.

[Anonymous]

Is she not, or does she share some interest with your son?

OP here. I'm guessing you meant to say "hot". No, she is not "hot". I think the fact that they were in college together gave them some shared interests.

[Anonymous]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems this woman has turned her life around correct? These charges are in the past, and it seems she's cleaned up her act gone to school and now has a career.

If this is true, then I think you need to giver her a chance. The fact that she's 8 years old isn't the end of the world, considering they are essentially in the same place of life.

If she's on the right side of the law noe and doing well I think you owe her a chance, get to know her try and see what your son sees.

[Anonymous]

You are insane, if I was your son I would find a job wherever and stop giving you financial leverage. The reason you are insane is that you think you can forbid a grown person from being with somebody. The question you need to ask yourself is not if you can forbid this, not if she is right for him and he for her, because you can't forbid anything. Your objections are very valid, but he is over 20. Your objection to her family possibly helping her with a job is insane and something you should see as a positive, as her family clearly cares and is trying to help her. Did you even meet this woman?
The only question you should be asking yourself is, do you want to see your only child 2 years from now? Because the only person to blame when you no longer have any relationship with your only child years from now will be you because of your "my way of the highway" attitude. And few years from now he might be with her, or she might be long forgotten to him, and he will have money of his own, I will not care to see you whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are insane, if I was your son I would find a job wherever and stop giving you financial leverage. The reason you are insane is that you think you can forbid a grown person from being with somebody. The question you need to ask yourself is not if you can forbid this, not if she is right for him and he for her, because you can't forbid anything. Your objections are very valid, but he is over 20. Your objection to her family possibly helping her with a job is insane and something you should see as a positive, as her family clearly cares and is trying to help her. Did you even meet this woman?
The only question you should be asking yourself is, do you want to see your only child 2 years from now? Because the only person to blame when you no longer have any relationship with your only child years from now will be you because of your "my way of the highway" attitude. And few years from now he might be with her, or she might be long forgotten to him, and he will have money of his own, I will not care to see you whatsoever.

^^ he will not care to see you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I did not give him money in order to control him. I gave him money so that he could go to college. I encouraged him to work more, but that was not something he did. I could have stopped giving him money and he would have left college I suppose. But he did graduate from college in four years so that's something.

I do not expect to choose who he dates or who he marries. However, that does not mean that I have to approve of just anyone. I am not an intolerant person, but I do have some standards. I suppose I can fake my approval so that I will not "lose my son", but that seems a bit disingenuous. I think children can sense your disapproval even if you fake it. Just saying. Maybe I need to learn to do this.

I will definitely stop giving him money. I would much rather see him independent of me. For sure. Getting to know his girlfriend would be easier if she didn't live 4 hours away and didn't have to spend the night in my house (because that is what he wants me to approve of). And putting her in a separate room would be very uncomfortable knowing that they have been together for 3 years. Does this make sense?

I understand what you are saying. I think if he were living in a separate abode with her it would be easier for me to deal with it because he would not be dependent upon me for anything. You are lucky that your four children never moved back in after college. I don't think having children move back in after college is unusual these days. It's not something you had to deal with.

You have some standards, your DS doesn't. You can't have standards for him. It is too late now to go back and not expect him to get a job during college, which you should have done. Having kids move in after college is not unusual around the world. My DS is off to college this fall, he just texted me that he got a job offer for right out of college, around 60K, yes he has a profitable skill he already acquired. My not yet 16 year old is applying for jobs, late, I might say, as many of her friends already work part time. Where are you originally from? This doesn't sound like a normal US mom behavior.

[Anonymous]

NP. I think the son is codependent. He became that way for a reason. Maybe his father has a personality disorder, but my guess is the super controlling OP does. Her behavior is nowhere close to well adjusted. Definitely some serious issues there.

OP, your son will continue choosing women like that because you made him that way. He needs to get away from you and your family and into some serious therapy to try to overcome it.

The contact with you will stop with the financial support. I know that you know that. Maybe continue paying for something if he goes to therapy (that you also pay for). Just know that they're going to be talking about you.

In the meantime, you should be in therapy too, not because of him but because if your own issues.

As it stands, there's a pretty good chance that you won't meet your grandchildren.