relationship with son difficult because of girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you and your husband, while well-intentioned, are making a big mistake with regard to your son's girlfriend. Instead of giving her a chance and getting to know her, you have already decided she is unacceptable and are trying to force your son to give her up. This strategy has obviously failed to work for the last three years and now you have your son sneaking around to see her. He obviously loves her. If this was my child, I would be trying to get to know her by having her over and getting together with her for lunch.

This.

They have been together for three years, and he hid it from you. You owe him a big apology. Time to get to know this woman that your son loves--and who could end up the mother of your grandchildren.

Turn of the Lifetime. Kid probably lost his virginity to this woman and gives him free weed.. As soon as he gets a career and gets around the 25 yo coworkers she'll be a thing of the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here again. Let me just add that the felony was assault with a deadly weapon. Also she had another charge just a few years ago for assault. She has alcohol issues which son says are no longer a problem.

She has a job right now, but I believe she will have a hard time securing jobs in the future. Her parents are professionals and I would not be surprised if they had something to do with her getting this job (like donating to this small non-profit).

This just gets worse. Where did you fail your son that he feels he needs to rescue this woman?

You better hope & pray he's using condoms, because I promise you a baby is her plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you and your husband, while well-intentioned, are making a big mistake with regard to your son's girlfriend. Instead of giving her a chance and getting to know her, you have already decided she is unacceptable and are trying to force your son to give her up. This strategy has obviously failed to work for the last three years and now you have your son sneaking around to see her. He obviously loves her. If this was my child, I would be trying to get to know her by having her over and getting together with her for lunch.

This.

They have been together for three years, and he hid it from you. You owe him a big apology. Time to get to know this woman that your son loves--and who could end up the mother of your grandchildren.

It's not love, its mommy-son relationship given his young age and a woman's age. She is 8 years older, she is in her 30s with significant street smart luggage.
He is missing some safety net or looking to be taken care of.
OP does not owe him any apology.

Hopefully, the boy will wake up before she gives him a kid to support.
OP, I have no suggestion, but I feel for you. It's extremely disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again DCUM shows it's misandry. If this had been a parent speaking of their 22 year old recent grad daughter dating a 30 something felon with no career there would be 20 pages of warnings that he is abuse who is going to ruin her life and you need to do everything you can to help her see it.
Because it's a male and his girlfriend it's somehow a beautiful lovestory and OP just needs to get over it because everyone knows men can't be abused and taken advantage of.

I don't hear anyone saying it's a beautiful love story. I hear people saying forbidding a grown up is useless.

I agree.

My concern, which I haven't seen raised yet, is why is the son with someone who has been in prison, and is much older. Does the son have problems of his own OP downplays or is not aware of? Is the son, and his GF, using drugs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you and your husband, while well-intentioned, are making a big mistake with regard to your son's girlfriend. Instead of giving her a chance and getting to know her, you have already decided she is unacceptable and are trying to force your son to give her up. This strategy has obviously failed to work for the last three years and now you have your son sneaking around to see her. He obviously loves her. If this was my child, I would be trying to get to know her by having her over and getting together with her for lunch.

This.

They have been together for three years, and he hid it from you. You owe him a big apology. Time to get to know this woman that your son loves--and who could end up the mother of your grandchildren.

It's not love, its mommy-son relationship given his young age and a woman's age. She is 8 years older, she is in her 30s with significant street smart luggage.
He is missing some safety net or looking to be taken care of.
OP does not owe him any apology.

Hopefully, the boy will wake up before she gives him a kid to support.
OP, I have no suggestion, but I feel for you. It's extremely disappointing.

Same PP here. Actually, OP, I have a suggestion - help,him to find a job. Either yourself, or hire a career coach who will help him with resume fitting and interview training. Once he is in the processional field, he will very quickly realize that he has a lot less then his colleges in terms of relationship.
And get to it quickly.
They have something that holds them together - either "bad parents" agenda or , I am sorry to say it, drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I think you and your husband, while well-intentioned, are making a big mistake with regard to your son's girlfriend. Instead of giving her a chance and getting to know her, you have already decided she is unacceptable and are trying to force your son to give her up. This strategy has obviously failed to work for the last three years and now you have your son sneaking around to see her. He obviously loves her. If this was my child, I would be trying to get to know her by having her over and getting together with her for lunch.


This.

They have been together for three years, and he hid it from you. You owe him a big apology. Time to get to know this woman that your son loves--and who could end up the mother of your grandchildren.


It's not love, its mommy-son relationship given his young age and a woman's age. She is 8 years older, she is in her 30s with significant street smart luggage.
He is missing some safety net or looking to be taken care of.
OP does not owe him any apology.

Hopefully, the boy will wake up before she gives him a kid to support.
OP, I have no suggestion, but I feel for you. It's extremely disappointing.

OP here. Thank you. You are voicing my fears. I do not think she has drug issues at present and my son is not doing drugs. I believe he is playing the "savior" role. He has weight issues and that might also add to his insecurities.

[Anonymous]

If he pictures himself her savior I'm afraid this is going to be your life. Even if she doesn't become your DIL, he'll find another like her until he works on his self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Therapy and grad school in Canada. She will not be able to visit with her felony record. Might be cheaper in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Same PP here. Actually, OP, I have a suggestion - help,him to find a job. Either yourself, or hire a career coach who will help him with resume fitting and interview training. Once he is in the processional field, he will very quickly realize that he has a lot less then his colleges in terms of relationship.
And get to it quickly.
They have something that holds them together - either "bad parents" agenda or , I am sorry to say it, drugs.

Thank you for this advice. I need something constructive like this to keep me positive. To her credit, this woman has a college degree (which she finished in the last year). I do know that her own parents are very disappointed in her past and that it is her mother who has mostly tried to help her. Her father apparently has a strained relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

It would have been helpful to know of the felony charges with deadly weapon and assault charges, as well as your son's self-esteem issues, in the first post, so that we could have eyeballed the situation better.

[Anonymous]

Therapy and grad school in Canada. She will not be able to visit with her felony record. Might be cheaper in the long run.

OP here. He's an adult. I cannot make him go to therapy or go to grad school in Canada.

[Anonymous]

It would have been helpful to know of the felony charges with deadly weapon and assault charges, as well as your son's self-esteem issues, in the first post, so that we could have eyeballed the situation better.

OP here. Yes, I realized this after the first two pages . . .

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you are real.You are way to disconnected from this.

Going from " My relationship with my son is runed 111" to " He's an adult and cn make his own decisions" in 2 pages simply does not correspond with reality.

Then we get random details dropped about the situation dropped in.

I'm calling troll.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you are real.You are way to disconnected from this.

Going from " My relationship with my son is runed 111" to " He's an adult and cn make his own decisions" in 2 pages simply does not correspond with reality.

Then we get random details dropped about the situation dropped in.

I'm calling troll.

OP here. I am not a troll. I didn't say my relationship was ruined; I said it was difficult. He is an adult and people reminded me of that in their posts along the way. I am sorry that I did not give details about the felony in the first post as I now realize that the word felony is not enough. Whoever was suggesting grad school in another country, etc. is giving advice that is counter to most of the advice about treating him as an adult and so I responded to that.

Believe me when I say I am not disconnected. If I left things out it was because I am scared and afraid to be recognized on here.

[Anonymous]

My parents hated my college boyfriend who was nowhere near as awful as what you've got going, but I think they could see the disaster coming down the road.

I can't guarantee it was the right approach, but I said I was going to move to another state for him and they threatened to cut me off financially which I a scary prospect for a kid a couple months of out college. They basically said that if you want to do something really stupid, fine, but not with our help, our car and our money. I don't know if they scared me more or if knowing just how much they disliked him for me woke me up, but I ended up staying put and ultimately breaking up with him. He would have been my first ex-husband for sure so I'm thankful that they woke me up.