Set me straight family wedding stuff

[Anonymous]

Op - - you took the party away from the friend
It was her idea
She called you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a bit of an awkward situation as the friend likely thinks she is "co-hosting" with you. Is she younger than you? It might be a dynamic where you are older, established, have set ways of entertaining in your home, and she thinks this is a keg party in a group home.

I wouldn't allow any drama to infect your otherwise good relationship with your SIL. Is some of this stuff a big deal? If she wants to decorate and bring food, that sounds great to me.

Why is it awkward? The friend IS "co-hosting" - actually, this is what OP said

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them.

So actually, the friend is hosting and OP is co-hosting (or helping friend coordinate)

How is it that so many pp's are missing this point?

Because OP missed the point. OP isn't helping the friend coordinate, she's taking over the entire event.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to set the friend straight. Say you don't want to joint host a party.

My MIL did this to me and it was really frustrating. I was throwing my SIL a party and she took the whole thing over. I didn't get any say, nor did I get to pay for anything. I just assumed that was it and my MIL was throwing the shower. Lo and behold on the day before the shower, she drops everything off for me to set up. I also had to coordinate everything and run the games. Everyone kept asking me questions and I had no clue- it was not my shower! Just frustrating. I wanted to plan it and pay in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to set the friend straight. Say you don't want to joint host a party.

My MIL did this to me and it was really frustrating. I was throwing my SIL a party and she took the whole thing over. I didn't get any say, nor did I get to pay for anything. I just assumed that was it and my MIL was throwing the shower. Lo and behold on the day before the shower, she drops everything off for me to set up. I also had to coordinate everything and run the games. Everyone kept asking me questions and I had no clue- it was not my shower! Just frustrating. I wanted to plan it and pay in the first place.

So, your MIL did to you what OP is doing to the friend? Because OP was asked to coordinate, and now she's taking it over. If she's cutting the friend out entirely, she needs to be clear, and she needs to be prepared for some blowback when the friend is hurt and angry at being excluded from planning a party that was her idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, relax. Or you aren't going to be at all helpful to your SIL during this process.

Second, be a good co-host like you offered. You provide the house, she can do the leg work for planning.

You did indeed offer to CO-host. The friend next time won't call you and you'll post here about being left out of your SIL's bachelorette party.

Yep. You pull this crap, and the friend isn't going to reach out to you next time. She'll just plan it herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to set the friend straight. Say you don't want to joint host a party.

My MIL did this to me and it was really frustrating. I was throwing my SIL a party and she took the whole thing over. I didn't get any say, nor did I get to pay for anything. I just assumed that was it and my MIL was throwing the shower. Lo and behold on the day before the shower, she drops everything off for me to set up. I also had to coordinate everything and run the games. Everyone kept asking me questions and I had no clue- it was not my shower! Just frustrating. I wanted to plan it and pay in the first place.

So, your MIL did to you what OP is doing to the friend? Because OP was asked to coordinate, and now she's taking it over. If she's cutting the friend out entirely, she needs to be clear, and she needs to be prepared for some blowback when the friend is hurt and angry at being excluded from planning a party that was her idea.

OP is trying to take over the entire party instead of cohosting. Which is fine if that's what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

Thanks but can you clarify, do you think I should rescind my offer of my house? I agree I would be happy to let friend have at for this engagement event and I will handle a shower later. Is that what you are saying?

You already offered your house for the friend's engagement party. You can't take that back. Well, you can but it's pretty shitty of you to do so - especially after you told SIL and she was very excited about it.

Yup. What you say is, "Since it's my house, I'd prefer to handle the decorations and plates/cups/napkins. I like your ideas for food, except that I'd love to do X instead of Y because of Z reason. I'd rather not have a keg here, so I'll buy the drinks. Please let me know if there are any specific things you'd like me to get. And I'll draw up the list of family members we should invite; can you make a list of friends? Thanks!" Don't be overly controlling. It's okay if it's not the exact party you would have planned; the goal is for your SIL to have fun with her family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

Thanks but can you clarify, do you think I should rescind my offer of my house? I agree I would be happy to let friend have at for this engagement event and I will handle a shower later. Is that what you are saying?

You already offered your house for the friend's engagement party. You can't take that back. Well, you can but it's pretty shitty of you to do so - especially after you told SIL and she was very excited about it.

Yup. What you say is, "Since it's my house, I'd prefer to handle the decorations and plates/cups/napkins. I like your ideas for food, except that I'd love to do X instead of Y because of Z reason. I'd rather not have a keg here, so I'll buy the drinks. Please let me know if there are any specific things you'd like me to get. And I'll draw up the list of family members we should invite; can you make a list of friends? Thanks!" Don't be overly controlling. It's okay if it's not the exact party you would have planned; the goal is for your SIL to have fun with her family and friends.

Don't be over - controllinggggggg -- you just made suggestions to control the whole damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks this engagement party is crazy? In my circle the couple throws themselves an engagement party. A shower has gifts and is thrown by friends or a sibling. Most people do not have engagement parties.

[Anonymous]

Like many other people have said, you need to dial it back a little. I too would interpret this whole thing as "co-hosting" wherein you offered up the venue but the details would still be something that the TWO of you have input on. It doesn't sound like the friend is doing anything unreasonable. You're making an awful big deal over decorations. Doesn't it seem silly to you??? Unless she's trying to hang up things that require digging up the yard or drilling holes in the walls I can't imagine what would be such a big deal to cause all this strife. The only thing that would make me upset and I would totally put my foot down over would be if, say, the guest list started getting out of control and way more people would be invited than I'd expected. Otherwise, you really need to chill. This isn't your show. This didn't start out as your show.

[Anonymous]

You sound very controlling.

If you like your SIL why wouldn't you want to include her friend who wants to help in hosting the party? I don't get why no decorations or food other than those ordered by you are allowed to enter your home.

Now I am wondering if you are also overstating your role in SIL's life. She may actually really enjoy her friends and you aren't eh be all and end all. She may actually be quite annoyed that you just took over the party and are wanting to kick her friend out of it but she can't tell you how she feels because your ego and your belief that you are the only reasons she is who she is.

You really need to step back and get out of this sense of inflated self that you have. Others also want to celebrate the engagement and be a part of a party. Others have good ideas and can contribute. You aren't the boss of SIL or her friend. Hosting means just that - offering your home as a space - it doesn't mean are the only person who is allowed to speak or have an opinion or want to be a part of planning the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

Thanks but can you clarify, do you think I should rescind my offer of my house? I agree I would be happy to let friend have at for this engagement event and I will handle a shower later. Is that what you are saying?

You already offered your house for the friend's engagement party. You can't take that back. Well, you can but it's pretty shitty of you to do so - especially after you told SIL and she was very excited about it.

Yup. What you say is, "Since it's my house, I'd prefer to handle the decorations and plates/cups/napkins. I like your ideas for food, except that I'd love to do X instead of Y because of Z reason. I'd rather not have a keg here, so I'll buy the drinks. Please let me know if there are any specific things you'd like me to get. And I'll draw up the list of family members we should invite; can you make a list of friends? Thanks!" Don't be overly controlling. It's okay if it's not the exact party you would have planned; the goal is for your SIL to have fun with her family and friends.

This is very controlling. It is saying, lets do none of what you want and 100% of what I want - please and thanks don't change the controlling part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

Thanks but can you clarify, do you think I should rescind my offer of my house? I agree I would be happy to let friend have at for this engagement event and I will handle a shower later. Is that what you are saying?

You already offered your house for the friend's engagement party. You can't take that back. Well, you can but it's pretty shitty of you to do so - especially after you told SIL and she was very excited about it.

Yup. What you say is, "Since it's my house, I'd prefer to handle the decorations and plates/cups/napkins. I like your ideas for food, except that I'd love to do X instead of Y because of Z reason. I'd rather not have a keg here, so I'll buy the drinks. Please let me know if there are any specific things you'd like me to get. And I'll draw up the list of family members we should invite; can you make a list of friends? Thanks!" Don't be overly controlling. It's okay if it's not the exact party you would have planned; the goal is for your SIL to have fun with her family and friends.

Don't be over - controllinggggggg -- you just made suggestions to control the whole damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+1. Lol at that entire last paragraph which describes someone being completely over-controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

Thanks but can you clarify, do you think I should rescind my offer of my house? I agree I would be happy to let friend have at for this engagement event and I will handle a shower later. Is that what you are saying?

You already offered your house for the friend's engagement party. You can't take that back. Well, you can but it's pretty shitty of you to do so - especially after you told SIL and she was very excited about it.

Yup. What you say is, "Since it's my house, I'd prefer to handle the decorations and plates/cups/napkins. I like your ideas for food, except that I'd love to do X instead of Y because of Z reason. I'd rather not have a keg here, so I'll buy the drinks. Please let me know if there are any specific things you'd like me to get. And I'll draw up the list of family members we should invite; can you make a list of friends? Thanks!" Don't be overly controlling. It's okay if it's not the exact party you would have planned; the goal is for your SIL to have fun with her family and friends.

Don't be over - controllinggggggg -- you just made suggestions to control the whole damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+1. Lol at that entire last paragraph which describes someone being completely over-controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

Thanks but can you clarify, do you think I should rescind my offer of my house? I agree I would be happy to let friend have at for this engagement event and I will handle a shower later. Is that what you are saying?

No, still have it at your house