Set me straight family wedding stuff

[Anonymous]

So my SIL just got engaged and we are thrilled! I absolutely love her fiance and she and I are very close. I am married to her older brother and have been in her life since she was a teen. They had a rough upbringing and I have played a big role in her life as a female figure and confidant and I know she really looks to me in many ways.

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them. I reached out to my SIL and said I'd be happy to do whatever I can and help out. I asked my SIL if she would like me to have it at my home and she immediately said she would and was very excited. I am happy to do this for her and it feels like a good fit as my husband and my house is where we hold all family events on his side and his divorced parents both live in small apartments.

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

I am taken aback as when I offered to have the party I meant, I would have the party. Her friend is acting as if my house is a venue for her to dictate and I am not okay with that. If she wants to bring an appetizer great but she is not throwing a party at my home. Also if I am going to coordinate with anyone it is my inlaws and my brother in law to be's family. I am very family oriented and find this friend to be overstepping her bounds. All of this said I just want my SIL to be happy and enjoy her celebration but I can't stop being who I am.

If friend wants to call the shots I think they need another venue and friend needs to foot the bill in that case.

Please set me straight on how to handle all this. My goal is to not allow wedding stuff (which I personally believe is overrated) to effect my wonderful relationship with my SIL while still maintaining my own standards.

[Anonymous]

Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

[Anonymous]

"Dear Susie,
I've already got the decor, food and drinks sorted out. But thanks for the offer! Could I put you on invitation detail? Also, what do you think would make a good signature drink?

Thanks,
Jill"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

Thanks but can you clarify, do you think I should rescind my offer of my house? I agree I would be happy to let friend have at for this engagement event and I will handle a shower later. Is that what you are saying?

[Anonymous]

The friend seems a little tone deaf, but assuming best intentions, I am sure the bride and her had some convo about Friend and you co-hosting a party and Friend is trying to do her best to advocate for what she thinks the bride wants or maybe even trying to make it easier on you by making some food and bev decisions.

My MIL was recently in a v similar situation and chose what she cared about (the caterer) and just factually stated what would be happening about that and then let the other things go. Her wording was along the lines of "I have a pretty standard operating procedure here with the catering since they know the flow of the house and have worked here a ton. I'll take care of that and you deal with decorations."

[Anonymous]

Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a bit of an awkward situation as the friend likely thinks she is "co-hosting" with you. Is she younger than you? It might be a dynamic where you are older, established, have set ways of entertaining in your home, and she thinks this is a keg party in a group home.

I wouldn't allow any drama to infect your otherwise good relationship with your SIL. Is some of this stuff a big deal? If she wants to decorate and bring food, that sounds great to me.

[Anonymous]

This isn't going to work logistically, and you can take that angle with her friend. Unless her friend is paying for a catered spread, this just doesn't work...I would approach it from that angle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

Thanks but can you clarify, do you think I should rescind my offer of my house? I agree I would be happy to let friend have at for this engagement event and I will handle a shower later. Is that what you are saying?

You already offered your house for the friend's engagement party. You can't take that back. Well, you can but it's pretty shitty of you to do so - especially after you told SIL and she was very excited about it.

[Anonymous]

The friend reached out to you about coordinating on an engagement party, but it sounds like you only want to have it on your terms. I think your first move is to talk to the friend about what you have in mind, what she has in mind, and see if there is a happy middle place you can come to. If not, then you need to be clear that you aren't able to coordinate on the party.

In my circle, it would be totally normal for you to provide the house and a co-host to provide food and drinks, or some combination of the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

+1. Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

+1. To be honest with you OP, this is how I read it too. Make this light and fun - clearly this group of friends is younger and if you're involved in wedding party stuff you're going to have to lighten up. And don't drag your SIL into a friends vs family war! You're all on the same team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a bit of an awkward situation as the friend likely thinks she is "co-hosting" with you. Is she younger than you? It might be a dynamic where you are older, established, have set ways of entertaining in your home, and she thinks this is a keg party in a group home.

I wouldn't allow any drama to infect your otherwise good relationship with your SIL. Is some of this stuff a big deal? If she wants to decorate and bring food, that sounds great to me.

Why is it awkward? The friend IS "co-hosting" - actually, this is what OP said

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them.

So actually, the friend is hosting and OP is co-hosting (or helping friend coordinate)

How is it that so many pp's are missing this point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

+1. This.