Set me straight family wedding stuff

[Anonymous]

And another thing, this sounds like a friend making it all about her, a hog far away friend, who is making the event all about her, and not about the bride. I think bunch of pps are just like this friend, no money, no maturity but lots of bossing people around. OP, it does sound like it is your party to throw, don't listen to these immature shrews who never threw a party like this, but had mommies and daddies throw a party. Friend is not organizing anything, she isn't paying for anything, she isn't hosting a party. When she opens up her valet, then she is having a party. Till then, do as you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL just got engaged and we are thrilled! I absolutely love her fiance and she and I are very close. I am married to her older brother and have been in her life since she was a teen. They had a rough upbringing and I have played a big role in her life as a female figure and confidant and I know she really looks to me in many ways.

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them. I reached out to my SIL and said I'd be happy to do whatever I can and help out. I asked my SIL if she would like me to have it at my home and she immediately said she would and was very excited. I am happy to do this for her and it feels like a good fit as my husband and my house is where we hold all family events on his side and his divorced parents both live in small apartments.

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

I am taken aback as when I offered to have the party I meant, I would have the party. Her friend is acting as if my house is a venue for her to dictate and I am not okay with that. If she wants to bring an appetizer great but she is not throwing a party at my home. Also if I am going to coordinate with anyone it is my inlaws and my brother in law to be's family. I am very family oriented and find this friend to be overstepping her bounds. All of this said I just want my SIL to be happy and enjoy her celebration but I can't stop being who I am.

If friend wants to call the shots I think they need another venue and friend needs to foot the bill in that case.

Please set me straight on how to handle all this. My goal is to not allow wedding stuff (which I personally believe is overrated) to effect my wonderful relationship with my SIL while still maintaining my own standards.

OP here, reposting my original post as I think some might want to reread. I have not responded to friend yet so no need to freak out that I have cut her out of anything. I haven't responded yet at all regarding her very long text with many details of the food she wants me to get, the beer she is telling my father in law to bring and the decorating she will be doing of my house. I actually came looking for guidance from the forum on what peoples' thoughts were so maybe more constructive ideas than judgement if you don't mind.

My intentions could not possibly be more focused on celebrating my SIL and BIL to be who I adore and see multiple times per week. This friend lives 14 hours away and has for many years. I have never met this person ever and have been married for 14 years and spent all holidays and birthdays with my SIL since she was 14. Also this engagement which BIL made me and my kids and our parents a huge part of happened on Monday (this week). I believe her friend needs to settle down honestly. Those saying it was her idea, how could anyone have had time to have any idea in 1 day!

Another important detail, I offered to have the party after my SIL said that her friend is in town for a few days in less than 2 weeks and she doesn't have anywhere to throw it or the money to do so but wants to have a party for her. What does this mean? I feel there are maturity issues here and perhaps a lack of grasp of reality of what it takes to plan and pay for parties. All that said I am taking in all the comments and I may very well just roll with this and let friend "throw" the party. I ultimately only care about SIL and BIL and our family and any drama or stress isn't worth it.

I honestly think weddings and the surrounding events are wildly overrated and in most cases result in totally unnecessary cost and too often debt and frequently hurt feelings and damaged relationships for absolutely no good reason but I won't be sharing any of that with SIL because it's not my place.

thanks for the feedback

Whether you've realized it or not, you're feeling threatened that this friend "who lives 14 hours away and has for years" will somehow trump your relationship your SIL "who you see multiple times a week." I don't doubt your story that you and your SIL are very close. However, you need to acknowledge that she has a different relationship with her peers than she does with you, and this engagement party seems to be something that she desires to have with her peer group. That doesn't mean that you will be any less close to her if the focus of the party isn't on you and what you have done for your SIL. It just means that she probably wants her younger friends to have a party with which they feel comfortable, and you offered to let them do it at your house. I understand your good intentions, and I also appreciate wanting to control a party that it at your house (I'm a total control freak). However, if your statement is true that all you desire is the best for your SIL, then I think you need to step way back and let her friends throw whatever party it is they want at your house. I don't know your financial situation, so I wouldn't presume that you can foot the entire bill, and this may be something that you need to establish with the friend. However, if money isn't an object, then just happily pay and let SIL's friends do what they think she would love. Even if you get no credit for the party (co-hosting, paying, planning, whatever), you will not be any less close to your SIL at the end of the day. In fact, she'll probably just love you more because she has exactly the engagement party that she wanted to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her friend has no money to throw the party, how is a friend throwing a party and OP just being a co host who offered the venue? If I am reading this right, friend told OP what kind of food to get, and what beer FIL is to get, but I don't see any mention of this friend offering to pay for anything. Call me old fashioned, but throwing somebody a party means you pay for good chunk of that party.

Agree. OP, your update explains that you are apparently expected to pay? You need to discuss with the friend what she's going to pay for, and you are entitled to have input into the food, drink, etc., if you're footing most of the bill. And friend can certainly do some of the shopping when she's here, or get the decorations in advance and bring them or have them sent to your house in advance. Figure out what you want to spend on this, and then keep things/the friend within that budget.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the friend knows it was her idea and now feels bad that a big part of the responsibility of hosting is on you. So partly she may want to do it, but partly she feels obligated since she brought it up to you. If you haven't yet clearly said that you're happy to take it on completely, you need to. Until then you're deliberately creating confusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her friend has no money to throw the party, how is a friend throwing a party and OP just being a co host who offered the venue? If I am reading this right, friend told OP what kind of food to get, and what beer FIL is to get, but I don't see any mention of this friend offering to pay for anything. Call me old fashioned, but throwing somebody a party means you pay for good chunk of that party.

Agree. OP, your update explains that you are apparently expected to pay? You need to discuss with the friend what she's going to pay for, and you are entitled to have input into the food, drink, etc., if you're footing most of the bill. And friend can certainly do some of the shopping when she's here, or get the decorations in advance and bring them or have them sent to your house in advance. Figure out what you want to spend on this, and then keep things/the friend within that budget.

+1

Stop going through SIL, you are just muddying the waters. Call this friend directly and discuss what she can pay/be responsible for. If it's nothing, I don't see how she is a host at all...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

+1 exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL just got engaged and we are thrilled! I absolutely love her fiance and she and I are very close. I am married to her older brother and have been in her life since she was a teen. They had a rough upbringing and I have played a big role in her life as a female figure and confidant and I know she really looks to me in many ways.

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them. I reached out to my SIL and said I'd be happy to do whatever I can and help out. I asked my SIL if she would like me to have it at my home and she immediately said she would and was very excited. I am happy to do this for her and it feels like a good fit as my husband and my house is where we hold all family events on his side and his divorced parents both live in small apartments.

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

I am taken aback as when I offered to have the party I meant, I would have the party. Her friend is acting as if my house is a venue for her to dictate and I am not okay with that. If she wants to bring an appetizer great but she is not throwing a party at my home. Also if I am going to coordinate with anyone it is my inlaws and my brother in law to be's family. I am very family oriented and find this friend to be overstepping her bounds. All of this said I just want my SIL to be happy and enjoy her celebration but I can't stop being who I am.

If friend wants to call the shots I think they need another venue and friend needs to foot the bill in that case.

Please set me straight on how to handle all this. My goal is to not allow wedding stuff (which I personally believe is overrated) to effect my wonderful relationship with my SIL while still maintaining my own standards.

OP here, reposting my original post as I think some might want to reread. I have not responded to friend yet so no need to freak out that I have cut her out of anything. I haven't responded yet at all regarding her very long text with many details of the food she wants me to get, the beer she is telling my father in law to bring and the decorating she will be doing of my house. I actually came looking for guidance from the forum on what peoples' thoughts were so maybe more constructive ideas than judgement if you don't mind.

My intentions could not possibly be more focused on celebrating my SIL and BIL to be who I adore and see multiple times per week. This friend lives 14 hours away and has for many years. I have never met this person ever and have been married for 14 years and spent all holidays and birthdays with my SIL since she was 14. Also this engagement which BIL made me and my kids and our parents a huge part of happened on Monday (this week). I believe her friend needs to settle down honestly. Those saying it was her idea, how could anyone have had time to have any idea in 1 day!

Another important detail, I offered to have the party after my SIL said that her friend is in town for a few days in less than 2 weeks and she doesn't have anywhere to throw it or the money to do so but wants to have a party for her. What does this mean? I feel there are maturity issues here and perhaps a lack of grasp of reality of what it takes to plan and pay for parties. All that said I am taking in all the comments and I may very well just roll with this and let friend "throw" the party. I ultimately only care about SIL and BIL and our family and any drama or stress isn't worth it.

I honestly think weddings and the surrounding events are wildly overrated and in most cases result in totally unnecessary cost and too often debt and frequently hurt feelings and damaged relationships for absolutely no good reason but I won't be sharing any of that with SIL because it's not my place.

thanks for the feedback

OP, This really deserves a phone call directly to the friend. Like others have said, you and the friend need to just touch base and coordinate. Start with "Hi Friend, okay so let's talk about the party. Let's start with decorations (this is probably where you could let her have most or all the control since it won't be damaging to your house and something that can easily be transported and would probably be fun for her to do) What would you like? Do you want to just go get all the stuff and bring it to my house the night before? Let's talk food. Do you want snacks? heavy appetizers? dinner food? I'd like _________ and can get X, Y, Z. What do you think? Now drinks. I do/don't want a keg. Do you want me to talk to FIL or would you like to talk to FIL about the keg? Invitations (this is another area where the friend could take over and pay for and you won't have to worry about it)."

that way your experience in planning parties helps with the organization and the friend will have specific tasks that she'll have to do that won't totally mess up the party. Also, invite her over the night before (or day before) to help set up. You can gauge whether your SIL also wants to come help set up (or just hang out) because it might be fun for her as it's a big milestone in her life.

this way you are really making it a whole experience for your SIL and being inclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

+1 exactly this.

So you think OP should pay for everything, do everything this friend texts, have it at her house and friend should get all the credit? I didn't see anywhere where it says that OP is employed as an assistant who pays for everything and errand runner for this flaky friend. That sounds like a sucky job for sure, where you work and end up poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL just got engaged and we are thrilled! I absolutely love her fiance and she and I are very close. I am married to her older brother and have been in her life since she was a teen. They had a rough upbringing and I have played a big role in her life as a female figure and confidant and I know she really looks to me in many ways.

After her engagement I got a text from one of her friends who lives out of town saying she would like to coordinate with me to have an engagement party for them. I reached out to my SIL and said I'd be happy to do whatever I can and help out. I asked my SIL if she would like me to have it at my home and she immediately said she would and was very excited. I am happy to do this for her and it feels like a good fit as my husband and my house is where we hold all family events on his side and his divorced parents both live in small apartments.

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

I am taken aback as when I offered to have the party I meant, I would have the party. Her friend is acting as if my house is a venue for her to dictate and I am not okay with that. If she wants to bring an appetizer great but she is not throwing a party at my home. Also if I am going to coordinate with anyone it is my inlaws and my brother in law to be's family. I am very family oriented and find this friend to be overstepping her bounds. All of this said I just want my SIL to be happy and enjoy her celebration but I can't stop being who I am.

If friend wants to call the shots I think they need another venue and friend needs to foot the bill in that case.

Please set me straight on how to handle all this. My goal is to not allow wedding stuff (which I personally believe is overrated) to effect my wonderful relationship with my SIL while still maintaining my own standards.

OP here, reposting my original post as I think some might want to reread. I have not responded to friend yet so no need to freak out that I have cut her out of anything. I haven't responded yet at all regarding her very long text with many details of the food she wants me to get, the beer she is telling my father in law to bring and the decorating she will be doing of my house. I actually came looking for guidance from the forum on what peoples' thoughts were so maybe more constructive ideas than judgement if you don't mind.

My intentions could not possibly be more focused on celebrating my SIL and BIL to be who I adore and see multiple times per week. This friend lives 14 hours away and has for many years. I have never met this person ever and have been married for 14 years and spent all holidays and birthdays with my SIL since she was 14. Also this engagement which BIL made me and my kids and our parents a huge part of happened on Monday (this week). I believe her friend needs to settle down honestly. Those saying it was her idea, how could anyone have had time to have any idea in 1 day!

Another important detail, I offered to have the party after my SIL said that her friend is in town for a few days in less than 2 weeks and she doesn't have anywhere to throw it or the money to do so but wants to have a party for her. What does this mean? I feel there are maturity issues here and perhaps a lack of grasp of reality of what it takes to plan and pay for parties. All that said I am taking in all the comments and I may very well just roll with this and let friend "throw" the party. I ultimately only care about SIL and BIL and our family and any drama or stress isn't worth it.

I honestly think weddings and the surrounding events are wildly overrated and in most cases result in totally unnecessary cost and too often debt and frequently hurt feelings and damaged relationships for absolutely no good reason but I won't be sharing any of that with SIL because it's not my place.

thanks for the feedback

The only maturity issues are with you and you sound CRAZY AF

[Anonymous]

You and friend need to communicate. What is she paying for? It sounds like she wants to plan the party on your dime - shut that down. If you're paying, you have final say. Get her suggestions, let her help to coordinate, but at the end of the day, it's your party.

[Anonymous]

OP here, reposting my original post as I think some might want to reread. I have not responded to friend yet so no need to freak out that I have cut her out of anything. I haven't responded yet at all regarding her very long text with many details of the food she wants me to get, the beer she is telling my father in law to bring and the decorating she will be doing of my house. I actually came looking for guidance from the forum on what peoples' thoughts were so maybe more constructive ideas than judgement if you don't mind.

My intentions could not possibly be more focused on celebrating my SIL and BIL to be who I adore and see multiple times per week. This friend lives 14 hours away and has for many years. I have never met this person ever and have been married for 14 years and spent all holidays and birthdays with my SIL since she was 14. Also this engagement which BIL made me and my kids and our parents a huge part of happened on Monday (this week). I believe her friend needs to settle down honestly. Those saying it was her idea, how could anyone have had time to have any idea in 1 day!

Another important detail, I offered to have the party after my SIL said that her friend is in town for a few days in less than 2 weeks and she doesn't have anywhere to throw it or the money to do so but wants to have a party for her. What does this mean? I feel there are maturity issues here and perhaps a lack of grasp of reality of what it takes to plan and pay for parties. All that said I am taking in all the comments and I may very well just roll with this and let friend "throw" the party. I ultimately only care about SIL and BIL and our family and any drama or stress isn't worth it.

I honestly think weddings and the surrounding events are wildly overrated and in most cases result in totally unnecessary cost and too often debt and frequently hurt feelings and damaged relationships for absolutely no good reason but I won't be sharing any of that with SIL because it's not my place.

thanks for the feedback

So, OP, I hear what you're saying, but a little confused.
It's a little confusing because in your first OP, you said

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

Which doesn't sound like she is telling you to buy food. But then in your follow up post you say she wants you to buy food. Is the friend actually saying "OP, you need to pick up some chips and dip, burgers, mini quiches, and potato chips. I can ask FIL to get a keg, and I'll get the decorations." Or did she send a text that said "OP, thanks for coordinating with me. I'm thinking we could serve chips and dip, burgers, mini quiches, and potato chips. What do you think about asking FIL to get the keg since he knows Bob at the liquor store. Oh, and I'm thinking purple and white streamers for decorations, a banner that says "congratulations", and balloons."

Those two are very different. I'm not being snarky or judgy, but I think in your head, like you said earlier, when you offered your house you just assumed you'd be hosting and having the party and then when you got the friend's email which may have been more like the second option, you just read into that that you'd have to buy everything - but what she requested.

It does sound like you want to make a great experience for your SIL and are willing to step outside your comfort zone to do so. I posted before, but I'll say that I think you can call the friend and coordinate the details and clarifying what she can do and what you'll do. Good luck.

Oh and tell us how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

For the zillionth time, RELATIVES DO NOT HOST SHOWERS.

Actually, OP, you come across as someone who will forever remind YOUR SO of all the things you have done for her. Do a good deed and forget about it. Good people do not keep a running tab of all their good deeds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, reposting my original post as I think some might want to reread. I have not responded to friend yet so no need to freak out that I have cut her out of anything. I haven't responded yet at all regarding her very long text with many details of the food she wants me to get, the beer she is telling my father in law to bring and the decorating she will be doing of my house. I actually came looking for guidance from the forum on what peoples' thoughts were so maybe more constructive ideas than judgement if you don't mind.

My intentions could not possibly be more focused on celebrating my SIL and BIL to be who I adore and see multiple times per week. This friend lives 14 hours away and has for many years. I have never met this person ever and have been married for 14 years and spent all holidays and birthdays with my SIL since she was 14. Also this engagement which BIL made me and my kids and our parents a huge part of happened on Monday (this week). I believe her friend needs to settle down honestly. Those saying it was her idea, how could anyone have had time to have any idea in 1 day!

Another important detail, I offered to have the party after my SIL said that her friend is in town for a few days in less than 2 weeks and she doesn't have anywhere to throw it or the money to do so but wants to have a party for her. What does this mean? I feel there are maturity issues here and perhaps a lack of grasp of reality of what it takes to plan and pay for parties. All that said I am taking in all the comments and I may very well just roll with this and let friend "throw" the party. I ultimately only care about SIL and BIL and our family and any drama or stress isn't worth it.

I honestly think weddings and the surrounding events are wildly overrated and in most cases result in totally unnecessary cost and too often debt and frequently hurt feelings and damaged relationships for absolutely no good reason but I won't be sharing any of that with SIL because it's not my place.

thanks for the feedback

So, OP, I hear what you're saying, but a little confused.
It's a little confusing because in your first OP, you said

Now the friend is texting me her plans for the party in terms of the decorations she is buying, the food and drinks she wants to serve, and even suggested she would ask my father in law to bring a keg of beer for everyone.

Which doesn't sound like she is telling you to buy food. But then in your follow up post you say she wants you to buy food. Is the friend actually saying "OP, you need to pick up some chips and dip, burgers, mini quiches, and potato chips. I can ask FIL to get a keg, and I'll get the decorations." Or did she send a text that said "OP, thanks for coordinating with me. I'm thinking we could serve chips and dip, burgers, mini quiches, and potato chips. What do you think about asking FIL to get the keg since he knows Bob at the liquor store. Oh, and I'm thinking purple and white streamers for decorations, a banner that says "congratulations", and balloons."

Those two are very different. I'm not being snarky or judgy, but I think in your head, like you said earlier, when you offered your house you just assumed you'd be hosting and having the party and then when you got the friend's email which may have been more like the second option, you just read into that that you'd have to buy everything - but what she requested.

It does sound like you want to make a great experience for your SIL and are willing to step outside your comfort zone to do so. I posted before, but I'll say that I think you can call the friend and coordinate the details and clarifying what she can do and what you'll do. Good luck.

Oh and tell us how it goes.

op is making a lot of assumptions bc she hasn't taken the simple step of clarifying things with the friend.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not agreeing with everyone that says let's her have the run of your house. That is never okay and it will pose problems. You and friend can talk things over and make something work and both share in making the day special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go and offer advice. It is perfectly fine to reject something about the party you find objectionable.

You can throw her a shower on your terms at a later date.

For the zillionth time, RELATIVES DO NOT HOST SHOWERS.

Actually, OP, you come across as someone who will forever remind YOUR SO of all the things you have done for her. Do a good deed and forget about it. Good people do not keep a running tab of all their good deeds.

Sure they do. Welcome to the 21st century.