Why does my Mother think she can hate me but have a relationship with my minor children?

[Anonymous]

I don't believe that grandparents have inherent rights to their grandchildren. Nor do I think that parents have a moral responsibility to foster that relationship. Family is the family you choose. And I am someone who had awesome grandparents, and parents with nearly-unlimited access to my kids. If they were mean or harmful or toxic - no effing way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a similar situation and I deal with it by allowing limited interaction that I control.
Meaning, I initiate phone calls, on speaker, with the children and my mom on a monthly basis (ignore the whining, sad long voicemails she leaves on an almost daily basis), visit yearly on a trip I set up where we don't stay with her but save a day in our trip for a visit where I am present and control the time/place/conversation, send school pictures and birthdays gifts, etc.
However, I absolutely and 100% shut down any nastiness or inappropriate topics with a pleasant "ok we are done here mom, look forward to next time" and hang up the phone, and have had to stand up and announce "ok kids time for us to leave" with a big smile on my face, for their sake.
I feel that it's the best way, and my job really, to foster some type of relationship while maintaining boundaries. Honestly, I have some guilt and regret, though I know logically it's not my fault, and it's best for me too to try a little.
I hope this helps

I think you are very strong to do this. It's so hard to set up boundaries and reinforce that. My only way to be successful is to cut off contact because otherwise it was just too difficult to pull back. You should be very proud of the way you're protecting yourself and your family.

PP here, and thank you so much for saying that. It really is born a lot from guilt and the anxiety it caused me when I did cut her off completely in the past, pre kids. I am approaching 40 now, and with the kids I found that it was a way for me to feel stronger and therefore benefits me. I spent years hating myself for feeling badly about her remarks, "why am I letting her get to me?" type feelings. Awful, so I don't blame you one bit or think it's weak to choose a different way.
I read a quote that really helped me with this situation "Choose forgiveness. Not for them, but because you deserve peace." That really simply sums up why I do what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe that grandparents have inherent rights to their grandchildren. Nor do I think that parents have a moral responsibility to foster that relationship. Family is the family you choose. And I am someone who had awesome grandparents, and parents with nearly-unlimited access to my kids. If they were mean or harmful or toxic - no effing way.

Amen. Family is more than just an act of biology

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mil is borderline and does similar things. She gave 7yo ds a cellphone for Christmas so he could call her directly. He was so disappointed because he thought the box was a Lego set. Needless to say, we put the phone away.

She will use your children to push your buttons.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't respect or care for you and she bad mouths you to everyone, she shouldn't be around your children. They don't need to be around someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

Let me get this straight. If someone hated you, you would still send your kids to them?

Yes, because that "someone" is your kids' grandma.

Disagree. My parents and ILs do not have rights to my children, nor are they entitled to a relationship if they treat me or DH badly. It's a privilege you give to family and friends that aren't potentially (likely) harmful to your kids.

you are not mature enough to have kids. i hope you don't have any. if you do, i feel sorry for your kids.

NP. PP is absolutely right to protect her children from an abusive grandparent. Children do not like to see their parents mistreated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

Let me get this straight. If someone hated you, you would still send your kids to them?

Yes, because that "someone" is your kids' grandma.

Disagree. My parents and ILs do not have rights to my children, nor are they entitled to a relationship if they treat me or DH badly. It's a privilege you give to family and friends that aren't potentially (likely) harmful to your kids.

How do you define "badly", with an example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mil is borderline and does similar things. She gave 7yo ds a cellphone for Christmas so he could call her directly. He was so disappointed because he thought the box was a Lego set. Needless to say, we put the phone away.

She will use your children to push your buttons.

Did you post about this before? If not, there's another grandmother out there who tried the same thing! I'm laughing about the disappointment that it wasn't Legos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

I've seen many crazy posts here on DCUM. This one is one of the craziest. My kids don't get to hang around toxic people just because they are related.

My parents were abusive to me. They've been GREAT grandparents to my nephews and my kids.

Boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

Let me get this straight. If someone hated you, you would still send your kids to them?

+1 - the advice above is ridiculous. PP are you the mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

Bwahahahaha. Lemme guess, you are a delusional crazy person who has been cut out of people's lives and are angry?

I guess if blood relationship is so important than a child molestor should be allowed to build time with his granddaughter? GTOOH. How crazy.

[Anonymous]

I recently posted about estranged in-laws. I definitely would be hesitant to have a relationship with family who are abusive. Like I said in my previous post, FIL is very abusive to DH and to me. Although he has not been emotionally abusive to DS yet, I can't say that will continue once DS can talk and have opinions of his own. In addition, I don't think my FIL really wants a relationship with the grandkids for the sake of the grandkids. He wants the grandkids and everyone else to idolize him but not actually spend quality time with them. For example, during Christmas one year, he complained that everyone was focused on DS (who was two) and not on him. I also strongly suspect FIL has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Nothing will change him, nor my MIL who enables him.

[Anonymous]

For all these PPs who think grandparents have a right to be around the grandkids, even if the grands are terrible to their own children, where would you draw a line? What it granny was some sort of addict? Or in jail? should OP just offer kids up on a silver platter out of some sense of obligation?

This is why there are so many therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

This is the most absurd thing I've ever read.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with mental illness is so incredibly hard. If OP's mom is borderline, it can be a nightmare (both for the mom and the OP, and basically almost everyone else around the mom). My brother was borderline (severely) and I never left him alone with my children and in fact limited my kids' contact with him to short bursts of time when I knew he was likely to be okay, but the second he started acting oddly, I would remove them from the situation. True, he was not my kids' grandparent, but he was their uncle. He could turn on a dime and the only time my oldest child witnessed it, she was three years old and it is one of the very few things she remembers from that young age (she still, at age 7, will reference her uncle's anger and will ask why he was so angry).

Untreated mental illness also can be very scary and confusing for a child. I don't know the whole story here (none of us do), but if the mom is borderline and untreated, I also would be very reticent to allow contact. If you've never dealt with a severely borderline person, you have no idea what it's like. It's incredible. And heartbreaking. And panic-inducing. It's basically torture for the person with the disorder, as well as their families and friends.

I also would say that even if OP's mom isn't mentally ill, I would not trust someone around my kids if they went around spreading lies about me. I would be concerned how that person would interact with my children. I don't think there's anything wrong with protecting my kids from people like that, even if they are blood-related.