Why does my Mother think she can hate me but have a relationship with my minor children?
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Anonymous
Way to throw your kids under the bus! It's easy for people w bipolar/narcissistic disorders to have a good relationship with young children because it's such a simple interaction, there's no room for the kids to disappoint them. However, at some point the kids will start having opinions of their own and develop more complex personalities. This is when the mentally ill grandparent willl completely turn on them - just like she did to her own daughter. The kids will be really hurt and confused, and the worst part is that this could all have been prevented! In this situation I would allow my kids to know who my mom is but we would remain at arms length. I wouldn't set up my kids to be hurt and manipulated by her. That's just cruel. |
Anonymous
you are not mature enough to have kids. i hope you don't have any. if you do, i feel sorry for your kids. |
Anonymous
In this situation, I would choose not to care what she's saying to "everyone." If "everyone" speaks to you about it, you can tell them that your mom's behavior towards you does not make you confident that she is an appropriate caregiver for your children. If your children want a relationship with her when you're older to maintain it themselves, that's up to them. She doesn't get the grandma moniker without being your mother, which she's doing a terrible job of right now. |
Anonymous
I agree with the PP who says that grandparents are not entitled to relationships with their grandchildren. I have two children. I am mature enough to not continue relationships with people who are abusive or advantage-taking. You, on the other hand, sound like you either have never experienced this yourself or do not have the maturity to establish appropriate boundaries. |
Anonymous
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So, I would not deny my children a relationship with family because I did not like family or because they were mean to me or other similar reasons. I absolutely would, however, deny them a relationship with someone I did not trust with their wellbeing. I actually do think grandparents are presumptively morally entitled to some relationship with the grandkids, but that presumption can be overcome, so to speak. And you should cut it off if it is a danger to their physical or emotional wellbeing. It sounds like you have good reason to think the grandparents would be detrimental to your kids emotional wellbeing, anyway.
I actually quite like my inlaws but do not trust them very far. MIL has untreated bipolar disorder, I think (armchair diagnosis, admittedly, since she has refused treatment since sometime in the 70s, but it's line with what I know about her past treatment, and she prefers to treat her admitted mental illness with "prayer"). as aresult, they have a relationship with my kids (send cards, talk on the phone, visit once/year), but almost no time alone with the kids. like, if MIL seems to be in good shape, we'll let them watch the kids together for an hour while we go out but that's about it, and plans are subject to cancellation if she seems off the rails or if the kids are being difficult. I love my MIL but I would cut her out in a heartbeat if I thought she mistreated my kids or put them at risk. I know she didn't treat DH well. |
Anonymous
So, you would deny your kids having a relationship with their grandma because you don't like your mother? Is everything about you?? You don't sound mature at all. Self-centered, yes. |
Anonymous
If my mother refused to have a positive relationship with me, why on earth should I believe that she will have a positive relationship with my children? Why should I simply allow her to spend time with them when she spends her energy trash-talking me to anyone who will listen? It says a lot about you that you think the OP's issue is a matter of "not liking her mother." My mother, btw, is fantastic. My father has had his issues, and there have been times when we've gone for more than a year without speaking because he's unable to speak to me respectfully. Those times were prior to the birth of my children, but if it was to happen again, he would be delusional if he thought that he could be awful to me and maintain relationships with my young children. If the OP's mom is texting and emailing her with messages for her children, this tells me that the children are not old enough to maintain the relationship on their own. If they were old enough, it might be a slightly different story, but that different. |
Anonymous
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Team OP.
What will the kids learn and feel from seeing how grandma treats their mom? If grandma has mental health issues and may be toxic, why should OP expose her kids to that? |
Anonymous
Not in my family, thanks. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am in a similar situation and I deal with it by allowing limited interaction that I control.
Meaning, I initiate phone calls, on speaker, with the children and my mom on a monthly basis (ignore the whining, sad long voicemails she leaves on an almost daily basis), visit yearly on a trip I set up where we don't stay with her but save a day in our trip for a visit where I am present and control the time/place/conversation, send school pictures and birthdays gifts, etc. However, I absolutely and 100% shut down any nastiness or inappropriate topics with a pleasant "ok we are done here mom, look forward to next time" and hang up the phone, and have had to stand up and announce "ok kids time for us to leave" with a big smile on my face, for their sake. I feel that it's the best way, and my job really, to foster some type of relationship while maintaining boundaries. Honestly, I have some guilt and regret, though I know logically it's not my fault, and it's best for me too to try a little. I hope this helps |
Anonymous
I think you are very strong to do this. It's so hard to set up boundaries and reinforce that. My only way to be successful is to cut off contact because otherwise it was just too difficult to pull back. You should be very proud of the way you're protecting yourself and your family. |
Anonymous
Wow. You think this is about not "liking" the mother?? You're not immature; you're delusional. In fact, I'm guessing you might be OP's mother. |
Anonymous
Yes. That is what normal people do. If the grandparent is nasty, contact is limited. That's how this works. Unless you are a lunatic. |
Anonymous
+1. My Dad used to make digs at me through my kids. I personally hadn't spoke to him in about 10 years. But I would let my DD and DS visit him with my brother and his kids. He would say things to my DD like "No more cookies Larla or you'll get fat like your mother" and DD would come home and say the same thing. "Mom, I'll only have one cookie, Grandpa said if I have more, I'll get fat like you." This is only an example. He said much more cruel things. So I stopped all contact with he had with them. If they change minds when they are older, that's on them. |
Anonymous
You have a whacked perspective, pp. If grandma can't manage a healthy relationship with her own children, no reasonable or responsible parent would give her unfettered access to their kids. The grandmother here has mental health issues. This is not a neutral situation. |