Why does my Mother think she can hate me but have a relationship with my minor children?

[Anonymous]

We suspect my Mother has borderline personality disorder. She actively says she doesn't care for me, has nothing to say to me, and talks badly about me to everyone. Yet, she continues to text me and email me with things addressed to my children only. Considering her disdain for me, our kids don't have a relationship with her. So now she tells everyone that I won't allow her to speak to her grandchildren. This is crazy, right?

[Anonymous]

Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

[Anonymous]

There have been other threads about how to deal with BPD that maybe helpful too. Best advice to give you is to not engage. Don't respond or reply to her texts. Don't give into he blackmail about bad-mouthing you. You are doing the right thing by protecting your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

Let me get this straight. If someone hated you, you would still send your kids to them?

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you maintain any relationship at all with a person who is capable of being so cruel? Don't inflict her on your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

I've seen many crazy posts here on DCUM. This one is one of the craziest. My kids don't get to hang around toxic people just because they are related.

[Anonymous]

My mil is borderline and does similar things. She gave 7yo ds a cellphone for Christmas so he could call her directly. He was so disappointed because he thought the box was a Lego set. Needless to say, we put the phone away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

Let me get this straight. If someone hated you, you would still send your kids to them?

Yes, because that "someone" is your kids' grandma.

[Anonymous]

I still allow a relationship between my kids, who are young, and my mother, who I suspect also has BPD and depression. She has always been horrible to me, but she is the only grandmother they have (and my father their only grandfather) and my kids, especially the 4yo, talk about them constantly. My parents don't visit (their choice) and we visit them around 3 times per year, but just for a quick overnight. We Skype with them every 6 weeks or so, and, in general, I (micro)manage the relationship (e.g., keep visits short, never allow my kids alone with her, open all boxes, interrupt/interject if the conversation is taking a turn or she says anything remotely harsh, etc.). I share no information with her other than superficial what-the-kids-have-been-doing stuff. It's working for now, but, as I said, my kids are young. Not sure I'll be able to make it work as my kids get older, but my parents are older so it may be a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

Don't respond to her unless she acting with an appropriate level of kindness and respect. Her behavior is not loving and she is not entitled to a relationship with your kids just by virtue of blood relation. You are correct to want to protect your kids from someone who displays this type of behavior. Her behavior is emotional abusive, and thus, you do not trust that she will always treat your children in a healthy, kind and loving way. To those who suggest she should have a separate relationship with your kids, would you let your kids have a "separate" relationship with a parent who had sexually abused you? The scars are different, but both take many, many years of therapy and personal strength to overcome. Why would you risk your children's emotional well-being with someone who you cannot trust to behave in a healthy, loving manner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

Seriously? LOL no. Not OP, but why on earth would OP allow someone who treats her badly to have access to her kids? It's OP's job to protect the kids from potential exposure to a hateful person. When they are grown (at least in their teens), they can decide to have their own relationship with grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Unless she's abusive to the kids (and she may very well be), theirs is a separate relationship from yours. I wouldn't deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents solely because the grandparent is mean to me. Only if their own unique relationship is toxic.

Let me get this straight. If someone hated you, you would still send your kids to them?

Yes, because that "someone" is your kids' grandma.

Disagree. My parents and ILs do not have rights to my children, nor are they entitled to a relationship if they treat me or DH badly. It's a privilege you give to family and friends that aren't potentially (likely) harmful to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We suspect my Mother has borderline personality disorder. She actively says she doesn't care for me, has nothing to say to me, and talks badly about me to everyone. Yet, she continues to text me and email me with things addressed to my children only. Considering her disdain for me, our kids don't have a relationship with her. So now she tells everyone that I won't allow her to speak to her grandchildren. This is crazy, right?

You need to be direct and tell her that there is no relationship with your children unless there is relationship with you.

She can't be nice to the kids and be mean to their mom. The kids care that grandma is mean to their mom. They do not want other people hurting your feelings or hurting you. I am willing to bet your mom never even considered that.
You are their mom, they love you best and nothing grandma does will ever change that.

Cut her off completely - block her texts, block her email.

[Anonymous]

Similar thing happened with mentally ill MIL. She only wanted a relationship with the grandchildren. We offered to pay for her to travel to us, since the children were toddlers, but she refused and wanted no contact with her son until he complied.

I never figured out if it was a real demand or just more emotional warfare. No one in their right mind would send small children off to stay with an unstable stranger, so it's entirely possible that it was just a BS excuse to heap abuse on us and not a genuine request to see the kids.

As for OP's mother, I'd block her from texts and filter the emails to a folder so that they can be deal with when/if you're up to it. If it's an emergency, mom can call on the phone.

[Anonymous]

There's a difference between what your mom is doing, and people who don't get along or don't really like each other.

For former? She goes around talking badly about you? Back talking, trash talking, gossiping, etc. No, not ok. Definitely not ok.

You don't really like each other as people, but are able to keep things from spreading to others, and you still think she'd be a decent grandmother? Ok.