Is two divorces a red flag?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's accomplished in her career because she neglects her relationships.

[Anonymous]

I was divorced twice.
1. Married to a wonderful man at 26 who I met senior year of college. We had children together at 29 and 32. Then he came out as gay when our oldest was 4 - we tried having an open relationship (but only we knew about it) for two years but he said he could no longer live the lie (he comes from a very Catholic family). We remain good friends, he is a wonderful dad to our kids, and he is in a long term relationship who I am also friends with.
2. Married a second guy 6 years later. He turned to the drink and I couldn't do it anymore.

The details are important. My gut says yes, it's a red flag, but obviously that's a bit hypocritical given my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally, I'd say one divorce is a red flag. However, I know one absolutely spectacular human being who has been divorced three times.

1) Got married in her 20s, had a child. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. Sounded like it was a mess.
2) She said that he was probably the right guy, but she "handled it wrong" (which I assume means she cheated on him)
3) She was panicked that her child would never have a father and married a jerk, in an effort to try to put it all back together.

She is currently in her 60s and has been with a live-in partner for almost 10 years, also a lovely guy. She is wonderful. I was absolutely shocked when she told me about her past. She's really self aware, and it is clear that she has had a lot of therapy and REALLY accepts her role in the demise of each marriage. If she decided she were to get married a fourth time, I'd be there with bells on. She has a level of self awareness that comes with maturity and age that very few divorced people seem to have.

I'd steer clear of any woman who claims to have been abused by her ex or swears he was the devil, because I've known multiple women who have characterized relationships that were mutually toxic as "abusive" after they were over (again, lack of self reflection). Abuse is a very easy thing to claim after the fact, when the guy isn't around to give his side of the story.

Well, it sounds like your friend maybe doesn't do well with marriage. That's fine. No one is saying that OP's girlfriend is a horrible person. There are plenty of great people who really just don't do well with marriage. I'm a firm believer that marriage isn't for everyone. That doesn't mean people are bad.

Perhaps your friend has been able to maintain the live-in partner for 10 years because they didn't marry. Maybe it's the feeling of being "locked in" that doesn't work for her. Again, the red flag isn't to suggest OP's girlfriend is a bad person. It's to suggest that if OP wants to get married (and is looking for that), then the woman he is with now might not be right for him.

As for steering clear of women who claim abuse, the problem with your assertion is that often a relationship becomes "mutually toxic" AS A RESULT of abuse. Not me personally, but I've known of situations like that. The woman becomes passive-aggressive in part as a reaction to the abuse, because she perceives it as the only kind of power she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally, I'd say one divorce is a red flag. However, I know one absolutely spectacular human being who has been divorced three times.

1) Got married in her 20s, had a child. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. Sounded like it was a mess.
2) She said that he was probably the right guy, but she "handled it wrong" (which I assume means she cheated on him)
3) She was panicked that her child would never have a father and married a jerk, in an effort to try to put it all back together.

She is currently in her 60s and has been with a live-in partner for almost 10 years, also a lovely guy. She is wonderful. I was absolutely shocked when she told me about her past. She's really self aware, and it is clear that she has had a lot of therapy and REALLY accepts her role in the demise of each marriage. If she decided she were to get married a fourth time, I'd be there with bells on. She has a level of self awareness that comes with maturity and age that very few divorced people seem to have.

I'd steer clear of any woman who claims to have been abused by her ex or swears he was the devil, because I've known multiple women who have characterized relationships that were mutually toxic as "abusive" after they were over (again, lack of self reflection). Abuse is a very easy thing to claim after the fact, when the guy isn't around to give his side of the story.

Also, I know a few women who were actually abused by their exes, and they are far more quiet about it. Usually women who are true victims have some degree of (unwarranted) shame. They're usually not the ones running around with a pitchfork yelling "ABUSE!!!!!!!!"

FFS, so now women aren't to be believed if they say they were abused because the expectation is that they keep quiet? WTF.

I imagine if a woman is dating a guy and gets close enough to consider marrying him, she's probably going to tell him about the abuse. So what is he not supposed to believe her because, you know, if she were really abused, she wouldn't talk about it?

And you all wonder why women don't report this stuff. Because no one ever believes them. There's always a whole list of reasons everyone seems to have of why not to believe a woman if she says she has been abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally, I'd say one divorce is a red flag. However, I know one absolutely spectacular human being who has been divorced three times.

1) Got married in her 20s, had a child. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. Sounded like it was a mess.
2) She said that he was probably the right guy, but she "handled it wrong" (which I assume means she cheated on him)
3) She was panicked that her child would never have a father and married a jerk, in an effort to try to put it all back together.

She is currently in her 60s and has been with a live-in partner for almost 10 years, also a lovely guy. She is wonderful. I was absolutely shocked when she told me about her past. She's really self aware, and it is clear that she has had a lot of therapy and REALLY accepts her role in the demise of each marriage. If she decided she were to get married a fourth time, I'd be there with bells on. She has a level of self awareness that comes with maturity and age that very few divorced people seem to have.

I'd steer clear of any woman who claims to have been abused by her ex or swears he was the devil, because I've known multiple women who have characterized relationships that were mutually toxic as "abusive" after they were over (again, lack of self reflection). Abuse is a very easy thing to claim after the fact, when the guy isn't around to give his side of the story.

Also, I know a few women who were actually abused by their exes, and they are far more quiet about it. Usually women who are true victims have some degree of (unwarranted) shame. They're usually not the ones running around with a pitchfork yelling "ABUSE!!!!!!!!"

FFS, so now women aren't to be believed if they say they were abused because the expectation is that they keep quiet? WTF.

I imagine if a woman is dating a guy and gets close enough to consider marrying him, she's probably going to tell him about the abuse. So what is he not supposed to believe her because, you know, if she were really abused, she wouldn't talk about it?

And you all wonder why women don't report this stuff. Because no one ever believes them. There's always a whole list of reasons everyone seems to have of why not to believe a woman if she says she has been abused.

No, it's just more typical behavior on the part of an abuse victim. And yes, there's a whole list of reasons why women often aren't believed. Many of those reasons have to do with the fact that many of us have seen a woman claim "abuse" during a court case when it didn't actually happen. You can debate this and let the thread explode all you want over it, but it's the truth. It is my experience that the women who most emphatically and publicly claim that they were abused weren't actually abused. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Are you asking if you should date her or marry her? Maybe proceed with caution, but she might be fantastic, and others are writing her off b/c of the divorces. Just make sure you both want the same thing if it becomes long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IDK. I've been divorced twice. I was married once, briefly in my early twenties. We were more like friends. A lot of people moved in together and then moved out a few years later; we just happened to marry.
2nd husband was married for 11 years, 2 kids. He became a raging drug addict and moved away.

I get that I may have chosen poorly (although all friends say there was really no way to predict that!) I've been divorced for 10 years and really feel like I've wiped the slate clean. I've done a lot of self examination in those years.

So with #1 you showed your are very impulsive. Not a good trait.
#2 you showed bad judgment in choosing a mate.
Yeah, it's YOU.

[Anonymous]

Trashy. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally, I'd say one divorce is a red flag. However, I know one absolutely spectacular human being who has been divorced three times.

1) Got married in her 20s, had a child. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. Sounded like it was a mess.
2) She said that he was probably the right guy, but she "handled it wrong" (which I assume means she cheated on him)
3) She was panicked that her child would never have a father and married a jerk, in an effort to try to put it all back together.

She is currently in her 60s and has been with a live-in partner for almost 10 years, also a lovely guy. She is wonderful. I was absolutely shocked when she told me about her past. She's really self aware, and it is clear that she has had a lot of therapy and REALLY accepts her role in the demise of each marriage. If she decided she were to get married a fourth time, I'd be there with bells on. She has a level of self awareness that comes with maturity and age that very few divorced people seem to have.

I'd steer clear of any woman who claims to have been abused by her ex or swears he was the devil, because I've known multiple women who have characterized relationships that were mutually toxic as "abusive" after they were over (again, lack of self reflection). Abuse is a very easy thing to claim after the fact, when the guy isn't around to give his side of the story.

Also, I know a few women who were actually abused by their exes, and they are far more quiet about it. Usually women who are true victims have some degree of (unwarranted) shame. They're usually not the ones running around with a pitchfork yelling "ABUSE!!!!!!!!"

FFS, so now women aren't to be believed if they say they were abused because the expectation is that they keep quiet? WTF.

I imagine if a woman is dating a guy and gets close enough to consider marrying him, she's probably going to tell him about the abuse. So what is he not supposed to believe her because, you know, if she were really abused, she wouldn't talk about it?

And you all wonder why women don't report this stuff. Because no one ever believes them. There's always a whole list of reasons everyone seems to have of why not to believe a woman if she says she has been abused.

No, it's just more typical behavior on the part of an abuse victim. And yes, there's a whole list of reasons why women often aren't believed. Many of those reasons have to do with the fact that many of us have seen a woman claim "abuse" during a court case when it didn't actually happen. You can debate this and let the thread explode all you want over it, but it's the truth. It is my experience that the women who most emphatically and publicly claim that they were abused weren't actually abused. YMMV.

Actually, it's not "the truth." It's your opinion based on your personal experience. I would also add that I've seen situations where someone emphatically claims abuse and then recants when they realize how people shun them. But they were actually abused. They backtrack when they realize that (a) they can't prove it and (b) people want nothing to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK. I've been divorced twice. I was married once, briefly in my early twenties. We were more like friends. A lot of people moved in together and then moved out a few years later; we just happened to marry.
2nd husband was married for 11 years, 2 kids. He became a raging drug addict and moved away.

I get that I may have chosen poorly (although all friends say there was really no way to predict that!) I've been divorced for 10 years and really feel like I've wiped the slate clean. I've done a lot of self examination in those years.

So with #1 you showed your are very impulsive. Not a good trait.
#2 you showed bad judgment in choosing a mate.
Yeah, it's YOU.

To be fair, I think a lot of people just say stuff like this to be supportive of their friends. And I think other people aren't the most observant, so they don't pick up on much anyway. When the second group of people claim to have not seen it coming, they're probably right, because they don't pay attention.

My friend recently got divorced, and she asked me if I thought it was going to happen. I've sworn on everything holy that I didn't think her marriage would have fallen apart in the way it ended up ending. Meanwhile, my husband and I were in our hotel room at their wedding after the reception discussing the fact that it was obvious that they were a poor fit. I'd never tell her the truth, which is that both she and her exhusband just didn't have the skill set to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally, I'd say one divorce is a red flag. However, I know one absolutely spectacular human being who has been divorced three times.

1) Got married in her 20s, had a child. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. Sounded like it was a mess.
2) She said that he was probably the right guy, but she "handled it wrong" (which I assume means she cheated on him)
3) She was panicked that her child would never have a father and married a jerk, in an effort to try to put it all back together.

She is currently in her 60s and has been with a live-in partner for almost 10 years, also a lovely guy. She is wonderful. I was absolutely shocked when she told me about her past. She's really self aware, and it is clear that she has had a lot of therapy and REALLY accepts her role in the demise of each marriage. If she decided she were to get married a fourth time, I'd be there with bells on. She has a level of self awareness that comes with maturity and age that very few divorced people seem to have.

I'd steer clear of any woman who claims to have been abused by her ex or swears he was the devil, because I've known multiple women who have characterized relationships that were mutually toxic as "abusive" after they were over (again, lack of self reflection). Abuse is a very easy thing to claim after the fact, when the guy isn't around to give his side of the story.

Also, I know a few women who were actually abused by their exes, and they are far more quiet about it. Usually women who are true victims have some degree of (unwarranted) shame. They're usually not the ones running around with a pitchfork yelling "ABUSE!!!!!!!!"

FFS, so now women aren't to be believed if they say they were abused because the expectation is that they keep quiet? WTF.

I imagine if a woman is dating a guy and gets close enough to consider marrying him, she's probably going to tell him about the abuse. So what is he not supposed to believe her because, you know, if she were really abused, she wouldn't talk about it?

And you all wonder why women don't report this stuff. Because no one ever believes them. There's always a whole list of reasons everyone seems to have of why not to believe a woman if she says she has been abused.

No, it's just more typical behavior on the part of an abuse victim. And yes, there's a whole list of reasons why women often aren't believed. Many of those reasons have to do with the fact that many of us have seen a woman claim "abuse" during a court case when it didn't actually happen. You can debate this and let the thread explode all you want over it, but it's the truth. It is my experience that the women who most emphatically and publicly claim that they were abused weren't actually abused. YMMV.

Actually, it's not "the truth." It's your opinion based on your personal experience. I would also add that I've seen situations where someone emphatically claims abuse and then recants when they realize how people shun them. But they were actually abused. They backtrack when they realize that (a) they can't prove it and (b) people want nothing to do with them.

Good. Abuse should be a difficult thing to believe because it completely smears the accused. Luckily the courts agree, and don't really factor unsubstantiated claims into much of anything.

[Anonymous]

Two? The president of my last company is the fifth husband of his wife, and both are in their mid 50s. Doesn't seem to have bothered him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was divorced twice.
1. Married to a wonderful man at 26 who I met senior year of college. We had children together at 29 and 32. Then he came out as gay when our oldest was 4 - we tried having an open relationship (but only we knew about it) for two years but he said he could no longer live the lie (he comes from a very Catholic family). We remain good friends, he is a wonderful dad to our kids, and he is in a long term relationship who I am also friends with.
2. Married a second guy 6 years later. He turned to the drink and I couldn't do it anymore.

The details are important. My gut says yes, it's a red flag, but obviously that's a bit hypocritical given my situation.

Don't ask me why, but I consider your situations quite sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, depends on why. And listen between the lines. People have versions of things that go along with their views of themselves. It's not bad, but listen to why.

This seems right.

[Anonymous]

After almost 27 years together I am soon to be divorced. Please people have some compassion. This one divorce should not be held against me!