Is two divorces a red flag?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, depends on why. And listen between the lines. People have versions of things that go along with their views of themselves. It's not bad, but listen to why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone divorced twice is just nasty. Dude get some self esteem

Agreed. Very trashy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, it all depends. How is her relationship with her kids' father? Were both divorces amicable?

Two divorces could mean that she has bad judgment in mates. By "bad judgment" I mean that she either picks guys who aren't good at commitment or she is attracted to guys with whom she is incompatible.

I think people get a pass for one divorce. Two divorces isn't necessarily a red flag, but it just means you should proceed cautiously.

Her relationship is good. She speaks positively about him and they live just a few miles away from each other.

I'm not sure if it matters but she is a community activist, volunteers very often for places like Planned Parenthood and political campaigns, and holds a leadership position with a local Democratic party. (I am not living in DC anymore so I doubt I am outing her).

None of those things really speak to whether she can maintain a healthy relationship. I mean, it's great that she is engaged and driven. But there are lots of successful people (male and female) who are no good at doing what it takes to make a relationship work.

[Anonymous]

One divorce is a red flag particularly if the reasons for the first don't add up. I married a divorced woman and ten years in she started the same pattern with me she did with the first husband. Now she's jumping into a series of relationships in desperation. Some people don't think first and bail when the going gets tough.

[Anonymous]

He would be my issue with someone who is divorced twice. Once when young and stupid I get. Should be a little smarter than that by the 2nd marriage. Other thing is you will never know what really happened in that marriage and will only hear one side of it unless you get access to the ex which is doubtful. Just be careful, do the camping trip challenge or just wait until you have had some real challenges to get through before signing up to be number 3

[Anonymous]

Just remember it takes 2 to make a marriage. If he said no, she may not have had a choice.

I'm 2x divorced. First marriage was in my 20s, lasted 4 yrs no kids. Second marriage was great until we lost a child and had another one with SN. Our relationship just couldn't survive. We are great friends and great co-parents, but there was just so much pain.

I hope no one holds this against me when Im ready to start dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember it takes 2 to make a marriage. If he said no, she may not have had a choice.

I'm 2x divorced. First marriage was in my 20s, lasted 4 yrs no kids. Second marriage was great until we lost a child and had another one with SN. Our relationship just couldn't survive. We are great friends and great co-parents, but there was just so much pain.

I hope no one holds this against me when Im ready to start dating.

I'm so sorry, PP. Yes you'll get judged. Maybe unfairly (most folks haven't lost a child -- they can't get it, and I hope they never have to). But, they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a very accomplished, intelligent woman...two kids (HS aged) as well, who are similarly driven people. She was married to the kids' father for 10 years, divorced, remarried 4 years later, divorced 4 years after that.

Yes it's a red flag and you should slow down but maybe it was just about her picking the wrong man. The reasons for the divorce should answer whether it ceases being a red flag and becomes a stop sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a very accomplished, intelligent woman...two kids (HS aged) as well, who are similarly driven people. She was married to the kids' father for 10 years, divorced, remarried 4 years later, divorced 4 years after that.

It could be. It could not be. Depends on the person.

She can't control how someone judges her. Why should she worry about it? If someone uses that part of her history against her, then thats not a person she should be with. the best thing she could do for herself is embrace her situation, and be authentic about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone divorced twice is just nasty. Dude get some self esteem

Agreed. Very trashy

You two. Not everything is "nasty" or "trashy" just because it isn't your choice.

[Anonymous]

IDK. I've been divorced twice. I was married once, briefly in my early twenties. We were more like friends. A lot of people moved in together and then moved out a few years later; we just happened to marry.
2nd husband was married for 11 years, 2 kids. He became a raging drug addict and moved away.

I get that I may have chosen poorly (although all friends say there was really no way to predict that!) I've been divorced for 10 years and really feel like I've wiped the slate clean. I've done a lot of self examination in those years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone divorced twice is just nasty. Dude get some self esteem

Agreed. Very trashy

You two. Not everything is "nasty" or "trashy" just because it isn't your choice.

It's trashy Baw!

[Anonymous]

Normally, I'd say one divorce is a red flag. However, I know one absolutely spectacular human being who has been divorced three times.

1) Got married in her 20s, had a child. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. Sounded like it was a mess.
2) She said that he was probably the right guy, but she "handled it wrong" (which I assume means she cheated on him)
3) She was panicked that her child would never have a father and married a jerk, in an effort to try to put it all back together.

She is currently in her 60s and has been with a live-in partner for almost 10 years, also a lovely guy. She is wonderful. I was absolutely shocked when she told me about her past. She's really self aware, and it is clear that she has had a lot of therapy and REALLY accepts her role in the demise of each marriage. If she decided she were to get married a fourth time, I'd be there with bells on. She has a level of self awareness that comes with maturity and age that very few divorced people seem to have.

I'd steer clear of any woman who claims to have been abused by her ex or swears he was the devil, because I've known multiple women who have characterized relationships that were mutually toxic as "abusive" after they were over (again, lack of self reflection). Abuse is a very easy thing to claim after the fact, when the guy isn't around to give his side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally, I'd say one divorce is a red flag. However, I know one absolutely spectacular human being who has been divorced three times.

1) Got married in her 20s, had a child. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. Sounded like it was a mess.
2) She said that he was probably the right guy, but she "handled it wrong" (which I assume means she cheated on him)
3) She was panicked that her child would never have a father and married a jerk, in an effort to try to put it all back together.

She is currently in her 60s and has been with a live-in partner for almost 10 years, also a lovely guy. She is wonderful. I was absolutely shocked when she told me about her past. She's really self aware, and it is clear that she has had a lot of therapy and REALLY accepts her role in the demise of each marriage. If she decided she were to get married a fourth time, I'd be there with bells on. She has a level of self awareness that comes with maturity and age that very few divorced people seem to have.

I'd steer clear of any woman who claims to have been abused by her ex or swears he was the devil, because I've known multiple women who have characterized relationships that were mutually toxic as "abusive" after they were over (again, lack of self reflection). Abuse is a very easy thing to claim after the fact, when the guy isn't around to give his side of the story.

Also, I know a few women who were actually abused by their exes, and they are far more quiet about it. Usually women who are true victims have some degree of (unwarranted) shame. They're usually not the ones running around with a pitchfork yelling "ABUSE!!!!!!!!"

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I would be aware of that too. Someone who has been divorced twice is not blameless whatever they say.