Is two divorces a red flag?

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who has been divorced 4 times. Lovely, wonderful person. Did a bad job of picking men for spouses. So, get to know the person and decide for yourself. So may be a red flag, but may be a good person.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely a red flag

[Anonymous]

I also have a good friend who has been divorced twice, in her mid thirties. The first was an early marriage right after college, to a young man who turned out to be alcoholic. The second marriage ended after she discovered her husband had beaten their child. This was completely unexpected after many years of marriage. She left with her child immediately. I do think she deserves a chance at happiness.

[Anonymous]

There was a post on the same topic about a month ago.

Anyway, my FIL married a twice divorced woman (not sure if she'd fessed up about the second marriage ending in divorce--claimed to have been widowed but her son told us that they were already divorced when he died). She's a manipulative, fake, bitter woman. Now with age and some small strokes she's starting to have some dementia and is even worse--she constantly nags and demeans FIL; we don't expose our kids to her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was divorced twice.
1. Married to a wonderful man at 26 who I met senior year of college. We had children together at 29 and 32. Then he came out as gay when our oldest was 4 - we tried having an open relationship (but only we knew about it) for two years but he said he could no longer live the lie (he comes from a very Catholic family). We remain good friends, he is a wonderful dad to our kids, and he is in a long term relationship who I am also friends with.
2. Married a second guy 6 years later. He turned to the drink and I couldn't do it anymore.

The details are important. My gut says yes, it's a red flag, but obviously that's a bit hypocritical given my situation.

Don't ask me why, but I consider your situations quite sad.

Me too PP, me too. It's been 7 years since I divorced ex husband #2 and I haven't pursued any sort of relationship since.

I didn't post for pity, and I know my situations are a bit rare, but I just wanted to throw it out there that sometimes people are just unlikely. That's why you need to think about/find out the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who has been divorced 4 times. Lovely, wonderful person. Did a bad job of picking men for spouses. So, get to know the person and decide for yourself. So may be a red flag, but may be a good person.

"Good person but with terrible judgment" is still a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally, I'd say one divorce is a red flag. However, I know one absolutely spectacular human being who has been divorced three times.

1) Got married in her 20s, had a child. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. Sounded like it was a mess.
2) She said that he was probably the right guy, but she "handled it wrong" (which I assume means she cheated on him)
3) She was panicked that her child would never have a father and married a jerk, in an effort to try to put it all back together.

She is currently in her 60s and has been with a live-in partner for almost 10 years, also a lovely guy. She is wonderful. I was absolutely shocked when she told me about her past. She's really self aware, and it is clear that she has had a lot of therapy and REALLY accepts her role in the demise of each marriage. If she decided she were to get married a fourth time, I'd be there with bells on. She has a level of self awareness that comes with maturity and age that very few divorced people seem to have.

I'd steer clear of any woman who claims to have been abused by her ex or swears he was the devil, because I've known multiple women who have characterized relationships that were mutually toxic as "abusive" after they were over (again, lack of self reflection). Abuse is a very easy thing to claim after the fact, when the guy isn't around to give his side of the story.

Also, I know a few women who were actually abused by their exes, and they are far more quiet about it. Usually women who are true victims have some degree of (unwarranted) shame. They're usually not the ones running around with a pitchfork yelling "ABUSE!!!!!!!!"

FFS, so now women aren't to be believed if they say they were abused because the expectation is that they keep quiet? WTF.

I imagine if a woman is dating a guy and gets close enough to consider marrying him, she's probably going to tell him about the abuse. So what is he not supposed to believe her because, you know, if she were really abused, she wouldn't talk about it?

And you all wonder why women don't report this stuff. Because no one ever believes them. There's always a whole list of reasons everyone seems to have of why not to believe a woman if she says she has been abused.

No, it's just more typical behavior on the part of an abuse victim. And yes, there's a whole list of reasons why women often aren't believed. Many of those reasons have to do with the fact that many of us have seen a woman claim "abuse" during a court case when it didn't actually happen. You can debate this and let the thread explode all you want over it, but it's the truth. It is my experience that the women who most emphatically and publicly claim that they were abused weren't actually abused. YMMV.

What experience is that? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After almost 27 years together I am soon to be divorced. Please people have some compassion. This one divorce should not be held against me!

One is fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After almost 27 years together I am soon to be divorced. Please people have some compassion. This one divorce should not be held against me!

Um, this thread is not about you! JFC! You are going to have a tough time out there if you think the world revolves around you. Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who has been divorced 4 times. Lovely, wonderful person. Did a bad job of picking men for spouses. So, get to know the person and decide for yourself. So may be a red flag, but may be a good person.

If you are looking to get married, then yes.
If not, then no

[Anonymous]

Of course it is a red flag. But as the PPs have said, details matter.

[Anonymous]

No way I would marry her. Just enjoy some great sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way I would marry her. Just enjoy some great sex

Really? After two divorces I bet that snatch looks like an old catcher's mitt. No thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way I would marry her. Just enjoy some great sex

Really? After two divorces I bet that snatch looks like an old catcher's mitt. No thanks

Because divorce affects the way my c**t looks? Explain that to me, please.

[Anonymous]

I will take the other side, my ex husband has been married four times. Wife 1-3 (I was #2) just didn't work out for very specific reasons and now he is happy with #4. They have been very happy together, and good for them. So it's not always a terrible.