Insecure woman

[Anonymous]

I like that advice.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, poor woman, and poor OP.

Do you love this woman? You said this is a recent thing. If you love her and want to see if this can work, I would sit down with her and tell her that this concerns you and that, of course there are physically beautiful people out there (both male and female), but that you are in a relationship with her, and that means you value being exclusive. But that you cannot guarantee that there will not be other people who are more physically attractive, though you find her whole package to be something you find extremely compelling. Tell her you do not believe in cheating, and value fidelity. And then tell her that you are concerned that she is so focused on this and ask her if she has sought therapy to deal with the pain of her divorce, and encourage her to find help.

But don’t feel like you have to put up with this forever. My husband had an affair. It was crippling and horrible, and my trust basically evaporated. I had counseling and it really helped me, and made me able to move on with other people (with my husband, the jury’s still out). Even I, however, don’t think that her trauma means that you need to live with this forever. If she’s not willing to do some real work on this, I would not stay.

Also, completely unrelated, but men often cheat with women who are LESS attractive than their wives. So I’m not sure why she’s so hung up on whether she’s prettier.

[Anonymous]

ZachF wrote:She derives her sense of self-worth by her looks. She needs constant reassurance that she is attractive and, worse than that, more attractive than other women. Any other women that may cross her path, or she thinks cross your path. No matter what you tell her, or how often, it will never be enough.

Her low self-esteem is poison to any relationship you try to have with her. She will flip out and accuse you of of wanting other women, and get just as angry as if you had actually cheated. The thought of you being somewhere where there might be prettier or younger women will drive her nuts.

It's more likely that this was a big contributor to the break-up of her marriage. It's less likely that her previous relationship caused her to be this way. I'd advise you run from this one. She has serious issues that won't go away anytime soon and you will suffer the consequences if you get involved with her. She will exhaust you and you won't be able to be honest with her.

For example, try this the next time she asks for reassurance that she is indeed the prettiest of them all. Say, there are millions of women in the world and in the course of the day, I may see a hundred of them. And just as many people see me. Just as I'm certain that I'm not the best looking man any of them have seen, I'm sure you understand that their are women who are better looking than you. Younger, more fit, perfect bodies. And I see them all the time. I'm sure you see men who are a lot more attractive to you than I am or will ever be. Does it matter?

Is this something that is going to affect our relationship for all time? Can you handle the fact that there are other beautiful people in this world that I come in contact with or will you always feel the need to compare yourself, and question me about it? Can you deal with me interacting with other women in the normal course of life, like being pleasant and smiling when talking to a waitress without having some darker thoughts?

If she can't deal with knowing there are better looking women than her in your orbit but you choose to be with her and they are not a threat, then it's hopeless.

Maybe don't tell her that there will always be more attractive women. Tell her she is the most attractive woman TO YOU. My husband said these things to me once when I was feeling insecure and it just made me feel worse. He was - and still is - very flirty with other women which I assume you are not. But anyway it seems like she is seeking reassurance so why not just give it to her? ask her if there is anything you are doing or saying that is making her feel insecure.
Try to understand her feelings. maybe give her extra compliments and attention when other women are around. If you think it is too much work or if the behavior does not improve then it might be time to break up.
But the next woman could have worse issues, you have to pick your poison sometimes.

[Anonymous]

It's not just that she doesn't trust you, it's that she cannot enter a room without comparing herself to other women (in a completely superficial way). Something is amiss.

[Anonymous]

Run. Not ok. The one thing you need to do after divorce is get your emotional sh** together. She hasn't. Doesn't matter that she didn't have the affair. She has some issues she needs to address.

[Anonymous]

Emotionally needy, insecure people don't change. Her DS may have cheated on her bc he got "tired". She is showing you how she really is. Believe her. Run unless you want to live with an emotionally draining soul suck.

[Anonymous]

I talked to her about it. She said once she found out her ex was having an affair, he went on telling her how he wasn't attracted to her anymore and how good looking the other woman is. She didn't realize she's still hurt by his words and tends to feel threaten by beautiful women. She's willing to get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I talked to her about it. She said once she found out her ex was having an affair, he went on telling her how he wasn't attracted to her anymore and how good looking the other woman is. She didn't realize she's still hurt by his words and tends to feel threaten by beautiful women. She's willing to get help.

Give her time. I am 55 and still traumatized by a former fiancé sneaking around me. I don't accuse my DH of doing the same, but somehow, something was robbed from me back then. I am more cynical, I just don't let DH know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I talked to her about it. She said once she found out her ex was having an affair, he went on telling her how he wasn't attracted to her anymore and how good looking the other woman is. She didn't realize she's still hurt by his words and tends to feel threaten by beautiful women. She's willing to get help.

At least she's being honest with you. My ex boyfriend used to stare in an obvious way at other women and sometimes would make comments about their appearance. It really bothered me. My husband is not like this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talked to her about it. She said once she found out her ex was having an affair, he went on telling her how he wasn't attracted to her anymore and how good looking the other woman is. She didn't realize she's still hurt by his words and tends to feel threaten by beautiful women. She's willing to get help.

Give her time. I am 55 and still traumatized by a former fiancé sneaking around me. I don't accuse my DH of doing the same, but somehow, something was robbed from me back then. I am more cynical, I just don't let DH know it.

This. It's good she is letting you know op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I talked to her about it. She said once she found out her ex was having an affair, he went on telling her how he wasn't attracted to her anymore and how good looking the other woman is. She didn't realize she's still hurt by his words and tends to feel threaten by beautiful women. She's willing to get help.

It's good that you were willing to be upfront and talk about it rather than let it go on too long or bolt. Even better that she responded with honesty is willing to get help.


Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I think if she gets the help she needs, we can get back on track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I think if she gets the help she needs, we can get back on track.

Good luck, it sounds like you like her, maybe tell her what you like about her. Remind her that you are nothing like her ex husband.
We should never underestimate how much our partners past tragedies and challenges make them who they are. Many people in relationships don't take the time to really learn about the other person.

I am a doctor and I remember dating when I was young, it was always a disaster. I was always tired on dates since my only day off was after a 24 hour call shift. I could be grumpy, but more often, unmotivated to do anything. I appeared to be a surly bore. In those 120 hour work weeks, only one man ever said that he noticed that I was tired. He was the only one who suggested that I take more time for myself. He sympathized with me, instead of criticizing me. He was also one of the smartest men I ever dated.

My point is that we all need to show more concern and caring. The previous suggestions to bolt are reckless, as that action would only weaken her more. This still might not work out, but try your best. If you do leave, leave her with tools that she can use to strengthen herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that her ex cheated on her is something she has not dealt with. She is seeking validation from you. Constantly. In the most unhealthy way.

Sounds like a lot of exhausting emotional baggage deal with. Honestly, eight months of this? Don't know how you put up with this for so long.

She needs to work this out. But you know, you say you have a daughter. Would you seriously have this woman be a role model for her?

She wasn't like this the whole time. This started maybe two to three months ago. I would like to see her get some help.

So what! Let her get help on her own. In the meantime, you need to move on.

Is this what you want your daughter to see?

[Anonymous]

No wonder why there are so many jacked up relationships, didn't you learn that you can't change someone.