Dying parent, hours away. How do you manage guilt of not being being there

[Anonymous]

Go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, your post kind of freaked me out; I'm wrestling with something similar, albeit with my dad on a much abbreviated timeline (like the next 36 hours.)

I'd say the following, obviously from a biased position: you cannot spend every waking moment with your parent no matter how imminent their death - I mean, you could, but it wouldn't be practical if you have kids, a husband, and a job, and I am not entirely sure it would be the most psychologically beneficial way to handle this (speaking from watching a sibling who has subsumed his entire life to our now dying father.)

You can make their life, and their comfort in these final days, a very high priority. Pick some kind of frequency to see your mom - plan special things, depending on her physical and mental state. Bring her to your kids' events, so that they can cherish that memory of grandma at school or the soccer game. Build in time just to be with her, without festivities or responsibilities etc. I lost my mom after a long illness; I wish I could go back and find more time with her. But I also know that the stuff I remember most now were just the ordinary times we had together. You can't quantify that.

Are you not going to spend your father's last hours with him?

It isn't always clear when those last hours are going to be.

If I was told my dad had 36 hours to live, I'd be there for every last second of those 36 hours. Even if it stretched out to a week, I wouldn't leave his side. My dad is my world and it would be the least I could do to be there for him.

NP. I'm sure you realize that every parent/child relationship is different and every situation is unique. The tone of your words doesn't seem to be offering this pp who is losing her parent helpful, kind advice but instead a dose of judgment.

Sorry for the hijack OP, but since someone asked (and judged), here is how it is: I flew to be with my dad as soon as his condition deteriorated last week. I said goodbyes and cried so much I got sick. I came back to my own family for Christmas and expected we would all fly back this week for his funeral. To everyone's surprise, his final moments are lasting longer than expected but since he has been without nutrition or hydration for a week now, it is imminent. Should I jump on a plane right now for another goodbye? I don't know. If I did, it would be for me, not for him - he is comatose and since he has advanced Alzheimers, he hasn't recognized me in at least a year. My siblings are with him. And there's a blizzard predicted to hit his area tomorrow.

I'm not fully at peace with my decision not to go back right now. At the same time, I think my sibling who has refused to leave his side needs some counseling. My dad was the very best of parents (and husbands.) I love and respect him. I don't think I need to be in the room when he dies to prove that. He is in his mid80s, suffering from a horrific disease. He will be in a better place very soon, and he has the best of care.

I guess this all just underlines my basic point: what matters is that you are with the ones you loved when they are alive. And it's not about scoring points. I wasn't with my mother when she died. But outside my father, there is not a person on this earth who loved her more and was closer to her than I was. She knew that, and I know that.

NP here, just wanted to say that this is so beautifully written. I am so sorry for your impending loss, but you have a wonderful perspective on it all. My grandfather died of this horrible disease, and I am so grateful that my grandmother, who stood vigil by him for over a decade of deterioration, didn't have such an unhealthy perspective as to never leave his side. She was two states away attending my college graduation, which my own dad couldn't attend as he had passed away three years before, thousands of miles away from me after a heart attack. I am so glad that my beloved grandmother was there to celebrate a major milestone in my life, and we were all there to support each other after we learned the news of my grandfather's passing the next day. It's not healthy to fixate on being a martyr when someone dies. If you can be there, and it is healthy for you do so, that is great, but some posters seem to have an unhealthy obsession with spending every second. That isn't tenable for everyone, and it doesn't mean you love someone less. I know several people who are emotionally overwraught after seeing loved ones in vegetative states, or various stages of dying. There are no black and white rules here. It's really about the love you shared their entire time in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't necessarily be there. My cousin did a round the clock vigil at her mother's bedside while she was dying of cancer. The moment when my cousin went the bathroom is when her mom expired.

Be there for people when they're alive. We do the best we can when we're dying. Do the best you can and forgive yourself.

That happens often. The dying person values the moment when they are alone.

[Anonymous]

So sorry op.

[Anonymous]

Now is the time to call on friends. Tell them and ask for the help you need. Take a week off and take kids and spend this time with her. Play her favorite music, favorite movie, poem, whatever she loves. Devote this week to her and let her tell stories of her life to your children and record these stories.

Nothing gives closure but you will always have this time. God bless you and your mother.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everybody. This was all really helpful and I am SO sorry so many of you have gone through this.

I do absolutely plan to drive and fly there at least every couple of weeks. We are on our way now

I want to be there all the time, but feasibly, we can't; school aged, elementary children and a husband with a non flexible international travel schedule make it near impossible, even if I quit my job for this term.

I don't know. Maybe I can. I was devastated last night and not thinking clearly. We will know more Wednesday about how long she has. If it really is only a couple of weeks and not months, and she foregoes treatment, I can try to make it work.

The not knowing, the distance. Just terrible.

Thanks for all of the perspectives and heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, your post kind of freaked me out; I'm wrestling with something similar, albeit with my dad on a much abbreviated timeline (like the next 36 hours.)

I'd say the following, obviously from a biased position: you cannot spend every waking moment with your parent no matter how imminent their death - I mean, you could, but it wouldn't be practical if you have kids, a husband, and a job, and I am not entirely sure it would be the most psychologically beneficial way to handle this (speaking from watching a sibling who has subsumed his entire life to our now dying father.)

You can make their life, and their comfort in these final days, a very high priority. Pick some kind of frequency to see your mom - plan special things, depending on her physical and mental state. Bring her to your kids' events, so that they can cherish that memory of grandma at school or the soccer game. Build in time just to be with her, without festivities or responsibilities etc. I lost my mom after a long illness; I wish I could go back and find more time with her. But I also know that the stuff I remember most now were just the ordinary times we had together. You can't quantify that.

Are you not going to spend your father's last hours with him?

It isn't always clear when those last hours are going to be.

If I was told my dad had 36 hours to live, I'd be there for every last second of those 36 hours. Even if it stretched out to a week, I wouldn't leave his side. My dad is my world and it would be the least I could do to be there for him.

NP. I'm sure you realize that every parent/child relationship is different and every situation is unique. The tone of your words doesn't seem to be offering this pp who is losing her parent helpful, kind advice but instead a dose of judgment.

Sorry for the hijack OP, but since someone asked (and judged), here is how it is: I flew to be with my dad as soon as his condition deteriorated last week. I said goodbyes and cried so much I got sick. I came back to my own family for Christmas and expected we would all fly back this week for his funeral. To everyone's surprise, his final moments are lasting longer than expected but since he has been without nutrition or hydration for a week now, it is imminent. Should I jump on a plane right now for another goodbye? I don't know. If I did, it would be for me, not for him - he is comatose and since he has advanced Alzheimers, he hasn't recognized me in at least a year. My siblings are with him. And there's a blizzard predicted to hit his area tomorrow.

I'm not fully at peace with my decision not to go back right now. At the same time, I think my sibling who has refused to leave his side needs some counseling. My dad was the very best of parents (and husbands.) I love and respect him. I don't think I need to be in the room when he dies to prove that. He is in his mid80s, suffering from a horrific disease. He will be in a better place very soon, and he has the best of care.

I guess this all just underlines my basic point: what matters is that you are with the ones you loved when they are alive. And it's not about scoring points. I wasn't with my mother when she died. But outside my father, there is not a person on this earth who loved her more and was closer to her than I was. She knew that, and I know that.

This has to be one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read. I am fortunate to have both of my parents alive and in good health. I hope that when the time comes, I can show a fraction of the grace you have shown here.
Peace to you, OP and both your families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everybody. This was all really helpful and I am SO sorry so many of you have gone through this.

I do absolutely plan to drive and fly there at least every couple of weeks. We are on our way now

I want to be there all the time, but feasibly, we can't; school aged, elementary children and a husband with a non flexible international travel schedule make it near impossible, even if I quit my job for this term.

I don't know. Maybe I can. I was devastated last night and not thinking clearly. We will know more Wednesday about how long she has. If it really is only a couple of weeks and not months, and she foregoes treatment, I can try to make it work.

The not knowing, the distance. Just terrible.

Thanks for all of the perspectives and heart.

Thinking of you today OP.

As a PP up thread posted, please call on friends to help and accept offers of help. If a friend were in your situation I would gladly take one or both of their kids as needed to help, including school week sleepovers to accomodate Dad's travel, or to be your emergency backup if you just need to take off suddenly. I know not everyone feels that way, but I know there are many of us who do, and for whom life is better when we are able to help and be helped. You will do your friends a favor if you let them be of service to take some of the edge off.

I hope you get some more answers today. I know the period of uncertainty is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I had to choose between spending some nice quality time with my parent, going to a doctors appt or being there for their last breath....I would choose, hands down, to spend some nice quality time with them while they were alive...even if that was just a phone call or back/forth email.

If you can be there for all of it that is good. But if you have to choose I would pick visiting them while they could enjoy our time together as much as possible.

What if you had a newborn?

What if missing work meant you'd lose your job? And if you lost your job, the lack of income meant losing your children's home?

What if your spouse was also ill and not able to care for your children?

It's very easy until it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't necessarily be there. My cousin did a round the clock vigil at her mother's bedside while she was dying of cancer. The moment when my cousin went the bathroom is when her mom expired.

Be there for people when they're alive. We do the best we can when we're dying. Do the best you can and forgive yourself.

That happens often. The dying person values the moment when they are alone.

I think that being alone makes it easier to let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had to choose between spending some nice quality time with my parent, going to a doctors appt or being there for their last breath....I would choose, hands down, to spend some nice quality time with them while they were alive...even if that was just a phone call or back/forth email.

If you can be there for all of it that is good. But if you have to choose I would pick visiting them while they could enjoy our time together as much as possible.

What if you had a newborn?

What if missing work meant you'd lose your job? And if you lost your job, the lack of income meant losing your children's home?

What if your spouse was also ill and not able to care for your children?

It's very easy until it isn't.

Exactly. You have to take care of your top priorities first and foremost. If everything is covered and you can manage to get away - do it.

[Anonymous]

I understand the difficulty and am going through the same thing with my dad. We don't know if he has months or years left though, so the balancing act is hard (had me in tears several times in the past couple of days). My mom was very sick several years before dying, and I made many sacrifices to be with her, but at her urging, I did not totally stop my life. I don't have regrets now because I know she was well cared for, knew I loved her, and I did make an effort to be there when I could.

I think sitting down and making a plan centered around the other constraints in your life and different trajectories for her health might help you both. I.e. You can't leave your job and children for 9 months, but you maybe could start going up there for a long weekend every two or three weeks, with plans to drop everything and take a week or two off when it seems she needs you most (this might not necessarily be at the end. I left for grad school a week before my mom died, after taking several weeks off to be with her. Atthat point she was no longer coherent and was surrounded by other loving family members, and I'm okay with that).

Im sorry OP. Make an effort to be there, and demonstrate your love on a daily basis, but don't beat yourself up.

[Anonymous]

GO.....just go.....in life, there will ALWAYS be bills, ALWAYS work trips, etc...I understand if you have kids, etc....but yes, call on friends, neighbors, etc...to please help your family, so you can go and be with your mother....I know it's very difficult, but you will cherish the time together with her.

[Anonymous]

OP - Depending on how things are on both sides, technology could be really useful. For example:

Can you travel to be with her and telecommute in some way? (and I'm asking "can" because I know for many jobs the answer is no).


Can you set up Skype so you guys can call and see each other (even if for short times) on a regular basis? If your mom doesn't have a computer, there are plenty out there that cost as much or less than the price of a single flight back and forth.


I'm throwing these suggestions out there as "outside the box" thinking. You know what's best for you and your family - I just wanted to say that maybe there are alternatives other than the choices you see in front of you.

Sending hugs and wishing you Peace.

[Anonymous]

Go now
Stop worrying about a visiting schedule for the future. Things will unfold. Take the kids if it's easier on you to do it this way, If it isn't, go just yourself - GO NOW - without any guilt for the visit specifics.