Dying parent, hours away. How do you manage guilt of not being being there

[Anonymous]

So just found outmh mom is dying. She has months to live, maybe weeks. She lives 9 hours drive, 2 hour flight away. I can visit a lot, but with kids and work, how do I be there all the time? And I would like to be. We are incredibly close. I would love for her to come her, but she has a husband, pets, a life where she is. She is only 64.
How do people manage the distance when this stuff happens?

[Anonymous]

Does your job have FMLA leave? I think if you are the sole caretaker, you can take off 3 months.

[Anonymous]

No FMLA--contract employee. I could absolutely take off, though it would be hard financially. Also, my family here needs me as husband travels most of the month. Excuses? I don't know.

I just don't know how to handle this. It all happened so quickly.

[Anonymous]

I would go.

[Anonymous]

Can your husband cancel travel so you can go?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. So her husband is there with her? Anybody else?

My BIL died in Europe, much sooner than the doctors had said he would. We were planning a visit, but not soon enough, and we now have to live with that guilt of never saying goodbye.

Then my FIL came down with a terminal illness during last year's blizzard, and the neighbor and my husband dug out the street so that I could drive my husband to the airport so he could visit him one last time before his passing.

These things are very tough, my dear. Do what you can, and be gentle on yourself.

[Anonymous]

The rest of your life will always be there. Your mom won't. You have to decide what is more important to you and focus on that.

I'd personally take off work, take the kids, and head to mom's house. I'd spend every second of every day with her and I'd make sure my kids did too. DH can travel as he needs to so he can keep money coming in.

[Anonymous]

You go visit her as you can. You don't need to spend every minute with her to let her know that you love her.

[Anonymous]

I did not visit my dying grandmother several years ago. The guilt is huge. I will never make that mistake again. I encourage you to go to your mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

Are your kids school-aged?

[Anonymous]

You can't be there all the time. So plan when you can go. Sit down with your husband and work this out in terms of his travel, childcare, etc. Plan to go see her in the next 2 weeks. I'd go for a 4-day weekend. See if you can be there when she has a doctor's visit so that you can establish a relationship with the doctor to get information when you're not there.

After your first visit you'll have a better sense of when you need to go back again. Do you have any siblings?

I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ know that your Mom would not want you to suffer any guilt. She would not want this for you. Remember this. Remind yourself of this often, now and later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The rest of your life will always be there. Your mom won't. You have to decide what is more important to you and focus on that.

I'd personally take off work, take the kids, and head to mom's house. I'd spend every second of every day with her and I'd make sure my kids did too. DH can travel as he needs to so he can keep money coming in.

This.

What are the ages of your kids / their childcare setup? What is your job and is their any possibility for PT or remote? Or to 'flex' it so you're working just enough to keep balls rolling?

You will not regret making the space to spend as much of this time with your mother as you can. It is worth some level of financial setback. Let us help you figure out how to make it logistically work. Give us your details and let us figure out possible plans.

And I am so sorry for your impending loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry.

My mom died last year. I took leave when it was clear that she was dying.

[Anonymous]

Can you take a day or two off every week to make it a long weekend and fly there as often as possible?