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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow, OP, your post kind of freaked me out; I'm wrestling with something similar, albeit with my dad on a much abbreviated timeline (like the next 36 hours.)

I'd say the following, obviously from a biased position: you cannot spend every waking moment with your parent no matter how imminent their death - I mean, you could, but it wouldn't be practical if you have kids, a husband, and a job, and I am not entirely sure it would be the most psychologically beneficial way to handle this (speaking from watching a sibling who has subsumed his entire life to our now dying father.)

You can make their life, and their comfort in these final days, a very high priority. Pick some kind of frequency to see your mom - plan special things, depending on her physical and mental state. Bring her to your kids' events, so that they can cherish that memory of grandma at school or the soccer game. Build in time just to be with her, without festivities or responsibilities etc. I lost my mom after a long illness; I wish I could go back and find more time with her. But I also know that the stuff I remember most now were just the ordinary times we had together. You can't quantify that.[/quote]

Are you not going to spend your father's last hours with him? [/quote]

It isn't always clear when those last hours are going to be.  [/quote]

If I was told my dad had 36 hours to live, I'd be there for every last second of those 36 hours. Even if it stretched out to a week, I wouldn't leave his side. My dad is my world and it would be the least I could do to be there for him. [/quote]

NP. I'm sure you realize that every parent/child relationship is different and every situation is unique. The tone of your words doesn't seem to be offering this pp who is losing her parent helpful, kind advice but instead a dose of judgment. [/quote]

Sorry for the hijack OP, but since someone asked (and judged), here is how it is: I flew to be with my dad as soon as his condition deteriorated last week. I said goodbyes and cried so much I got sick. I came back to my own family for Christmas and expected we would all fly back this week for his funeral. To everyone's surprise, his final moments are lasting longer than expected but since he has been without nutrition or hydration for a week now, it is imminent. Should I jump on a plane right now for another goodbye? I don't know. If I did, it would be for me, not for him - he is comatose and since he has advanced Alzheimers, he hasn't recognized me in at least a year. My siblings are with him. And there's a blizzard predicted to hit his area tomorrow.

I'm not fully at peace with my decision not to go back right now. At the same time, I think my sibling who has refused to leave his side needs some counseling. My dad was the very best of parents (and husbands.) I love and respect him. I don't think I need to be in the room when he dies to prove that. He is in his mid80s, suffering from a horrific disease. He will be in a better place very soon, and he has the best of care.

I guess this all just underlines my basic point: what matters is that you are with the ones you loved when they are alive. And it's not about scoring points. I wasn't with my mother when she died. But outside my father, there is not a person on this earth who loved her more and was closer to her than I was. She knew that, and I know that.[/quote]

NP here, just wanted to say that this is so beautifully written.  I am so sorry for your impending loss, but you have a wonderful perspective on it all.  My grandfather died of this horrible disease, and I am so grateful that my grandmother, who stood vigil by him for over a decade of deterioration, didn't have such an unhealthy perspective as to never leave his side.  She was two states away attending my college graduation, which my own dad couldn't attend as he had passed away three years before, thousands of miles away from me after a heart attack.  I am so glad that my beloved grandmother was there to celebrate a major milestone in my life, and we were all there to support each other after we learned the news of my grandfather's passing the next day.  It's not healthy to fixate on being a martyr when someone dies.  If you can be there, and it is healthy for you do so, that is great, but some posters seem to have an unhealthy obsession with spending every second.  That isn't tenable for everyone, and it doesn't mean you love someone less.  I know several people who are emotionally overwraught after seeing loved ones in vegetative states, or various stages of dying.  There are no black and white rules here.  It's really about the love you shared their entire time in your life.  [/quote]

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