Dying parent, hours away. How do you manage guilt of not being being there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't necessarily be there. My cousin did a round the clock vigil at her mother's bedside while she was dying of cancer. The moment when my cousin went the bathroom is when her mom expired.

Be there for people when they're alive. We do the best we can when we're dying. Do the best you can and forgive yourself.

I was so glad to see your post. I am a hospice nurse and I see this happen frequently. I often caution families not to be hurt or offended if this happens. Dying is a fiercely private event and some patients do not feel comfortable "letting go" until they are alone. I try to help families interpret this as the patient's "final gift" to them. A death vigil is not necessarily in anyone's best interest; every patient and family are different. Also remember that you need to keep up your stamina because there is going to be SO much to do after your mom passes away which is physically and emotionally exhausting. I am so sorry for what you're going through.

Just want to echo this post. I am a Hospice Minister and this is so common. Often the dying person will wait until a family member leaves the room, even if it's just to use the restroom or get a cup of coffee, to let go. I think for some, they may be trying to relieve the suffering of those left behind. For others, they can finally relax when no one is present.

OP, say your good-bye in the way that works best for you and your family. Let go of any guilt associated with not being there at the moment of death. The moments that mattered most happened over a lifetime. You honor your mom by taking care of yourself and your family.

I'm really so very sorry. Holding you in prayer.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is OP. I am back from seeing my mother. She passed away while I was there. It was shockingly quick and I certainly didn't expect it to happen during this visit. . I was holding her when it happened.

I am in one of the few calm moments I think I will have for a long time. One of the only I have had for days.

I wanted to take a moment to say take care of your relationships. I never thought that my mother , a relatively young woman, could go so early and so painfully. Be there for the people you love before they go.

I was there for her at the end, but we went almost 9 months without seeing each other, which has never happened. It is that time I bitterly regret. And there was no rift, just a rough year for both of us. I wish I had face timed more, talked more, whatever. Anything.

And the hospice nurses here--really, you are amazing. We were only able to have her in hospice care one day before she went, but it was night and day better than the rounds of doctors and wards she was in before. You guys do such tough but important work. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

my deepest sympathy to you OP. May you find some comfort in the knowledge you were with her.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things. I'm glad that you got to be with her though.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry. I've been there and it's terrible. It will ease somewhat but it will never go away. Just be gentle with yourself and give yourself all the time in the world to deal with it. The pain won't go away but it's like so many people say - waves that rise and fall.

My mom died 3.5 years ago. I dreamed about her two nights ago and got to hear her voice and see her walk and her little mannerisms all right there again. I have been in tears on and off since.

Sending you peace and strength. I am so glad you were able to be there.

[Anonymous]

I'm deeply sorry about your loss. Take care of yourself.

And I heartily agree with you on the hospice nurses.

[Anonymous]

Sending you so much love, OP. Your entire family is in my thoughts and prayers. So sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Op, your Mom would not want you to bitterly regret anything at all. Now, go tend to your kids. That's what your Mother would want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, your post kind of freaked me out; I'm wrestling with something similar, albeit with my dad on a much abbreviated timeline (like the next 36 hours.)

I'd say the following, obviously from a biased position: you cannot spend every waking moment with your parent no matter how imminent their death - I mean, you could, but it wouldn't be practical if you have kids, a husband, and a job, and I am not entirely sure it would be the most psychologically beneficial way to handle this (speaking from watching a sibling who has subsumed his entire life to our now dying father.)

You can make their life, and their comfort in these final days, a very high priority. Pick some kind of frequency to see your mom - plan special things, depending on her physical and mental state. Bring her to your kids' events, so that they can cherish that memory of grandma at school or the soccer game. Build in time just to be with her, without festivities or responsibilities etc. I lost my mom after a long illness; I wish I could go back and find more time with her. But I also know that the stuff I remember most now were just the ordinary times we had together. You can't quantify that.

Are you not going to spend your father's last hours with him?

It isn't always clear when those last hours are going to be.

Stop. You aren't everyone and there are impediments.

If I was told my dad had 36 hours to live, I'd be there for every last second of those 36 hours. Even if it stretched out to a week, I wouldn't leave his side. My dad is my world and it would be the least I could do to be there for him.

[Anonymous]

I'm so very sorry OP. But I'm so glad that you were there.

And please try not to beat yourself up about the 9 months prior. I don't know a mother on the planet who wouldn't understand the circumstance you, and your mom, were in. No one would doubt the love you had for each other - especially your mom.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, OP! I'm one of the PPs. My mom recently passed from cancer. I know I will always be grateful for being at my mom's bedside, although it was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. The first few weeks I was surprised by how well I was doing. I was numb which I think is protective. Allow yourself to grieve when the emotions come. I'm still grieving months in and I really appreciate the friends who remind me that it is normal and ok.

[Anonymous]

My condolences, OP. You probably were experiencing the anticipatory grief before she passed, which can be more stressful than the actual passing. Your Mom knew you were there and probably passed being at peace knowing she got to see you. Be kind to yourself. It's so easy to have guilt or regret on things. The sad thing is we can't turn back time and we can't change things now. Remember the good times as that's what's important. Take your time to grieve, which has no timeline.