Ex wife threatens to send kids to live with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't take sides until I know how much support and help your wife gets. I had a single mom growing up and my dad would tell us all the right things on the phone, but he never had to actually deal with any of the issues we were going through. We saw him every other weekend and he would spoil us rotten, but then sent us back to reality with mom. My mom was a wonderful mother, but she did lose it at times. I do remember a couple bad fights where she told me that I should go and live with my father.

I will always love my father, but my mom was always there through the good and the bad. Now that I am an adult and I have a better idea of what she was dealing with, there is just no way I could hold anything against her. I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. Why was your wife able to get primary custody? In my mother's case my father was an alcoholic.

This. Times a million. OP ain't gonna tell us the full story, folks.

No, no, no. It doesn't matter what OP's story is. I'm a single parent (woman). My ex is a complete dip shit and will never be a decent parent, like ever. I do 100% of the heavy lifting. He takes the kid when it's convenient for him in the middle of the day and returns him when it's time to be a parent (and not just a fun buddy). All that said, I would NEVER EVER EVER tell my child that he will go live with his dad and won't be able to return home. That is unacceptable. No excuses, period. If she is tired, have a coming to Jesus with your ex, but be an adult about it.

My son told me once when HE was mad that he wants to go live with dad. I said "sure, that would be fine with me." I don't ever want him to feel like I'm keeping him away from his dad, but I will never threaten to not let him come back.

[Anonymous]

Speaking from my own experience as a single mother of three teens - it is exhausting, it is difficult and it is stressful. If I had ANY support from my ex it would make a huge difference. He is not reliable with ANY type of support and tends to be combative.
In the heat of a tense moment with one of the kids (all boys) I am often tempted to say "you can go live with your father" or "you SHOULD go live with your father." But of course this is an empty threat because their father would never agree to it.
The number one thing my exH could do to help is the one thing he will NOT do - that is spend more time with the kids and PARENT them.
Op, the worst thing you can do is go into combat mode with your ex. ASK HER how you can help. TELL HER you want to parent together - and mean it. Don't worry about the issues between you and your ex, don't focus on your legal agreement. Instead make it about the kids. It sounds like she needs help and the person who she needs it from is you. Don't listen to the pp's telling you to go to court and seek custody. You and your ex need to work out a parenting plan. Hope she is open to this idea. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

This is emotional abuse, and your kids are being damaged by her, in my opinion. I think that you should document everything and return to court. Your children need to feel that they are wanted. This type of environment does not make them feel wanted. It makes them feel insecure.

[Anonymous]

I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

You are insane. Never would I ever tell my kids they can't come live with me. Although I do agree that OP probably needs to tell his kids that mom didn't mean it and that everyone needs to calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

The worst is generally assumed about the father.

Maybe mom is the nasty, manipulative one. Maybe mom had an affair. Maybe mom is emotionally abusive.

I know a few women who have been absolutely despicable during and after divorce. Even the one who ended up divorced after telling her husband she didn't need him around.

Another one who would send her two daughters to their dad sometimes not wearing underwear. "Let him buy them, if he can figure out how to buy girls' clothes." She would send them knowing they were sick, not give him any heads up and not send their medication. Not even prescription meds. But he was the bad one, because he didn't have what they needed.

Another one still who sent her kids in stained, too small clothes. Who threatened the kids with punishment if they talked about her house at their dad's, but they had to spill everything the minute they came back from dad's.

Don't just assume dad is the screw up here, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

The worst is generally assumed about the father.

Maybe mom is the nasty, manipulative one. Maybe mom had an affair. Maybe mom is emotionally abusive.

I know a few women who have been absolutely despicable during and after divorce. Even the one who ended up divorced after telling her husband she didn't need him around.

Another one who would send her two daughters to their dad sometimes not wearing underwear. "Let him buy them, if he can figure out how to buy girls' clothes." She would send them knowing they were sick, not give him any heads up and not send their medication. Not even prescription meds. But he was the bad one, because he didn't have what they needed.

Another one still who sent her kids in stained, too small clothes. Who threatened the kids with punishment if they talked about her house at their dad's, but they had to spill everything the minute they came back from dad's.

Don't just assume dad is the screw up here, people.

+1, my husband's ex cheated on him and wouldn't let him see the kids. It didn't matter how many times we went to court. She'd agree to the judge about phone calls and visits and then refuse them. She'd trash any clothing we bought and yet the kids barely had anything. We'd buy the plane tickets as scheduled and she would not put them on the plane. (she was supposed to pay for 1/2 but that never happened). She'd tell the kids dad cheated on her, when she cheated on him and has been living with the affair partner for many years. She tells the kids he was a deadbeat when he never missed a child support payment, sent extra money upon demand and had a $20,000 overpayment at one court hearing (she filed so I'd pay her child support too) as two kids and the alimony should have been terminated but my husband was decent and kept paying. She got double payments as she'd file garnishments and he'd pay not realizing she filed and she'd refuse to return the money. The judge allowed her to keep the money, would just fuss at her for the no visits or phone calls saying she needed to do better with no consequences and while she gave my husband more visitation with ex paying a greater share, she continued to refuse to send them so that was a joke. She did reduce the child support greatly to one child taking off two and the alimony. She was never ordered to pay his attorney or travel expenses. And people wonder why dad's give up. Courts generally do nothing and often do more harm than good.

This dad may be a jerk and lousy father and husband but he may have been a great father and husband and ex was just nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

You are insane. Never would I ever tell my kids they can't come live with me. Although I do agree that OP probably needs to tell his kids that mom didn't mean it and that everyone needs to calm down.

Yeah, Dad should make clear that, while it's totally inappropriate for mom to be saying the things she's saying, it is the case that he loves them and they will always have a home. Mom is threatening to send them to live with their own father and never let them come back as a punishment. Think about how messed up that is. If mom is overwhelmed and needs help, dad should step up for the good of the kids. If it turns out eventually that custody should be revisited, they can cross that bridge when they come to it (and he should document how much time they spend with him, just in case).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

The worst is generally assumed about the father.

Maybe mom is the nasty, manipulative one. Maybe mom had an affair. Maybe mom is emotionally abusive.

I know a few women who have been absolutely despicable during and after divorce. Even the one who ended up divorced after telling her husband she didn't need him around.

Another one who would send her two daughters to their dad sometimes not wearing underwear. "Let him buy them, if he can figure out how to buy girls' clothes." She would send them knowing they were sick, not give him any heads up and not send their medication. Not even prescription meds. But he was the bad one, because he didn't have what they needed.

Another one still who sent her kids in stained, too small clothes. Who threatened the kids with punishment if they talked about her house at their dad's, but they had to spill everything the minute they came back from dad's.

Don't just assume dad is the screw up here, people.

I asked the question. Note, it is a question. What is confusing about that? How to address The situation may well be based on the reason that the mom seems to have a real bitterness toward the father not having the responsibilities that go with primary yesterday. If the dad is currently living with a new moment, or his affair partner if he had one, the issue maybe more about the relationship between the mom and the dad, and her dealing with a new coparent. If there is not a new coparent in the picture, The issues are likely more about more generalized stress of parenting alone. And clearly her inability to manage this stress in a way that is appropriate with kids. Not every question includes assumptions.

[Anonymous]

I commend you for telling your kids to speak respectfully to their mom even in this situation. That speaks well of you. The kids need to know they are loved and you are doing that. The kids need some professional help to handle what they are going through. Speaking from experience to my dad's abusive behaviour to my mother when I was a kid, the youngest could be on edge because of what he is afraid she might do to him or the other kids. I don't remember my dad ever whipping me but even so, when he would correct me I'd start crying because of what I'd seen him to to mom and he would not whip me. Do you have a support system in place to get the kids some counseling? A licensed counselor or a christian pastor?

Anonymous wrote:as punishment when she doesn't like how they behave.

She set the groundwork by telling them (repeatedly) that "if you go live with your father, whether it works out for your good or bad, you can never come home again."
Her and the youngest child (8yrs old) are constantly fighting and her solution to this has been to start threatening to send him to live with me 100% of the time. Its a total threat because she isn't serious about it she has been escalating things and on Sunday made him pack his bags and she called me and put the phone on speaker and started saying "finish packing! I've got your father on the phone." He wasn't crying or angry per se... he was simply packing his bags and refusing to talk to his mom. He wasn't defiant towards her he wasn't showing any emotion. Its like he figured he couldn't reason with her so he was just going alone until it blew over.

On Sunday I told my youngest that he always has a home with me. I asked my ex to call me in private because I wanted to talk to her about this but she refused to call me without the kids listening. Eventually she left the house and he called her cell phone and told her that he wanted to stay with her. Then my oldest called me to give me the run-down on what was happening. I spoke with my youngest and he hold me "I'm sorry dad; but I told mom I'm not comfortable moving out." The oldest has mentioned that he might want to move in with me 100% of the time but he is worried about leaving his brother and sister with their mom alone. He is nervous about having a place to live because his mom keeps telling them "you can't come home again." On the one hand I'm sure they know I'm here for them and they can live with me but at the same time hey have this attachment to their mom and are afraid to not being able to go "home" again.


I think what she is doing is abusive. I've told all my children that they are free to come live with me. On Sunday I repeated to each of them that I love them and I asked them to speak respectfully to their mom.

My youngest is always on edge. It only takes the wrong phrase to send him into a massive breakdown. Not always anger. Often its sobbing while he talks about how is feelings are hurt. It really hurts my feelings to see and hear it. She nitpick them and somehow I think the youngest doesn't feel like he is being heard. He lashes out sometimes because he isn't feeling respected. That is about the best I can describe it.

She has difficulty parenting because of how she interacts with the kids. The kids physiologist noted this during the divorce but the court still decided she gets primary custody because she was a SAHM.

Other than "get primary custody of your kids" type advice what can I do to help my kids? I've investigated the "get custody" thing and the divorce wiped me out financially and I really don't have the money to go back into court. The attorneys I've spoken with tell me its not a sure bet and on top of that I don't want to cause a whole other round of conflict between me and the ex it really upset the kids.

What I'm really wanting to know is what my kids need to experience from me in order for them to deal with the situation? Specific actions.... I know they need to feel "love."
Also... does what is happening with my youngest sound like some particular type of reaction to some particular type of abuse situation? I'm curious about this because if it is that might help me figure out what he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

You are insane. Never would I ever tell my kids they can't come live with me. Although I do agree that OP probably needs to tell his kids that mom didn't mean it and that everyone needs to calm down.

PP here. Imagine what a court might think if he is always telling the kids they can live with him and it goes against the custody agreement. It may sound like interfering with her custody rights. Also, the kids should know they are loved and will always have a safe place. Though if he keeps on offering them a home how will it look to them if they say yes but the mom refuses in the end. More confusion and disappointment. Therapy. Love. Strategies to navigate the situation ... unless you are willing to do more than talk, and put your money where your mother is and take her to cour for Custody. Otherwise it is all talk that keeps the kids hopes up just to get possibly crushed

Finally, have you ever tried a parent coordinator ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

The worst is generally assumed about the father.

Maybe mom is the nasty, manipulative one. Maybe mom had an affair. Maybe mom is emotionally abusive.

I know a few women who have been absolutely despicable during and after divorce. Even the one who ended up divorced after telling her husband she didn't need him around.

Another one who would send her two daughters to their dad sometimes not wearing underwear. "Let him buy them, if he can figure out how to buy girls' clothes." She would send them knowing they were sick, not give him any heads up and not send their medication. Not even prescription meds. But he was the bad one, because he didn't have what they needed.

Another one still who sent her kids in stained, too small clothes. Who threatened the kids with punishment if they talked about her house at their dad's, but they had to spill everything the minute they came back from dad's.

Don't just assume dad is the screw up here, people.

I asked the question. Note, it is a question. What is confusing about that? How to address The situation may well be based on the reason that the mom seems to have a real bitterness toward the father not having the responsibilities that go with primary yesterday. If the dad is currently living with a new moment, or his affair partner if he had one, the issue maybe more about the relationship between the mom and the dad, and her dealing with a new coparent. If there is not a new coparent in the picture, The issues are likely more about more generalized stress of parenting alone. And clearly her inability to manage this stress in a way that is appropriate with kids. Not every question includes assumptions.

What if mom is living with the affair partner? What if mom gives him all her attention and not the kids? What if mom does absolute minimum for the kids in terms of clothing, food, activities (if any) as she prefers to spend the money on herself or her AP?

[Anonymous]

Mom is clearly not handling things well, but I feel kind of bad for her. She is clearly overwhelmed. As a primary/default parent, I can relate at times. It can be frustrating to always have to be "on" when your co-parent doesn't always have to be "on." And being a divorced 40-something mom in the dating world can be depressing. Most fathers seem to be able to move on more quickly than the moms, usually because they have fewer kid-related obligations.

Maybe instead of actually living with you, OP, your kids could see you more often so mom gets a break? Sounds like maybe she could use a week or two to decompress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

You are insane. Never would I ever tell my kids they can't come live with me. Although I do agree that OP probably needs to tell his kids that mom didn't mean it and that everyone needs to calm down.

PP here. Imagine what a court might think if he is always telling the kids they can live with him and it goes against the custody agreement. It may sound like interfering with her custody rights. Also, the kids should know they are loved and will always have a safe place. Though if he keeps on offering them a home how will it look to them if they say yes but the mom refuses in the end. More confusion and disappointment. Therapy. Love. Strategies to navigate the situation ... unless you are willing to do more than talk, and put your money where your mother is and take her to cour for Custody. Otherwise it is all talk that keeps the kids hopes up just to get possibly crushed

Finally, have you ever tried a parent coordinator ??

There's a difference between telling your kids, "you will always have a home, whether it's with me or your mom" and trying to persuade the kids to come live with him.
There's a difference between offering (in writing, preferably) to help out by taking the kids when she wishes vs. "going against the custody agreement". Going against the custody agreement would be not showing up for scheduled visitation, or not returning them on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom is clearly not handling things well, but I feel kind of bad for her. She is clearly overwhelmed. As a primary/default parent, I can relate at times. It can be frustrating to always have to be "on" when your co-parent doesn't always have to be "on." And being a divorced 40-something mom in the dating world can be depressing. Most fathers seem to be able to move on more quickly than the moms, usually because they have fewer kid-related obligations.

Maybe instead of actually living with you, OP, your kids could see you more often so mom gets a break? Sounds like maybe she could use a week or two to decompress.

Mom choose to be the default parent with custody. If he refuses to share more custody with dad, then she has no right to complain about being a poor single parent. I get so tired of the excuses.

Dad's are not given equal rights which is why they have fewer kid related obligations. Instead of 50/50 they are often given every other weekend and one night a week at best. What are they supposed to do?