Ex wife threatens to send kids to live with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you located close enough to your XW and the kids' school to take them sometimes during the school week? If you are, then offer to take one or both kids for a week at a time instead of a weekend and see if she just needs a break. Even if she only gets a break once or twice a year, it may reduce her stress enough that she can get back to an even keel when parenting. Sometimes we all just need a break.

I think this is absolute, utter bullshit. If the genders were reversed in this situation everyone would be screaming to high heaven that the husband is abusive. People would be crowing about getting the children out of this situation NOW. But because it's a woman (and I'm a woman by the way) people are like "oh she just needs a break." No. She is abusive and manipulative. She does not deserve custody. She doesn't deserve anything, in my opinion, acting and using the situation this way. I'm sorry I don't really have advice. I do think you should have custody but if you don't have the means to pursue it, I don't know what to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you located close enough to your XW and the kids' school to take them sometimes during the school week? If you are, then offer to take one or both kids for a week at a time instead of a weekend and see if she just needs a break. Even if she only gets a break once or twice a year, it may reduce her stress enough that she can get back to an even keel when parenting. Sometimes we all just need a break.

I think this is absolute, utter bullshit. If the genders were reversed in this situation everyone would be screaming to high heaven that the husband is abusive. People would be crowing about getting the children out of this situation NOW. But because it's a woman (and I'm a woman by the way) people are like "oh she just needs a break." No. She is abusive and manipulative. She does not deserve custody. She doesn't deserve anything, in my opinion, acting and using the situation this way. I'm sorry I don't really have advice. I do think you should have custody but if you don't have the means to pursue it, I don't know what to tell you.

x a million!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you located close enough to your XW and the kids' school to take them sometimes during the school week? If you are, then offer to take one or both kids for a week at a time instead of a weekend and see if she just needs a break. Even if she only gets a break once or twice a year, it may reduce her stress enough that she can get back to an even keel when parenting. Sometimes we all just need a break.

I think this is absolute, utter bullshit. If the genders were reversed in this situation everyone would be screaming to high heaven that the husband is abusive. People would be crowing about getting the children out of this situation NOW. But because it's a woman (and I'm a woman by the way) people are like "oh she just needs a break." No. She is abusive and manipulative. She does not deserve custody. She doesn't deserve anything, in my opinion, acting and using the situation this way. I'm sorry I don't really have advice. I do think you should have custody but if you don't have the means to pursue it, I don't know what to tell you.

Absolutely!! What BS that she "just needs a break."

Your ex wife is using you as a threat. Flip that around for a second. If you said "Behave or I'm sending you to your mom!!" what do you think would happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't take sides until I know how much support and help your wife gets. I had a single mom growing up and my dad would tell us all the right things on the phone, but he never had to actually deal with any of the issues we were going through. We saw him every other weekend and he would spoil us rotten, but then sent us back to reality with mom. My mom was a wonderful mother, but she did lose it at times. I do remember a couple bad fights where she told me that I should go and live with my father.

I will always love my father, but my mom was always there through the good and the bad. Now that I am an adult and I have a better idea of what she was dealing with, there is just no way I could hold anything against her. I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. Why was your wife able to get primary custody? In my mother's case my father was an alcoholic.

"You should go live with your father" is very different from "I'll make you go live with your father and you can never come back."

There's really no excuse for that kind of talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't take sides until I know how much support and help your wife gets. I had a single mom growing up and my dad would tell us all the right things on the phone, but he never had to actually deal with any of the issues we were going through. We saw him every other weekend and he would spoil us rotten, but then sent us back to reality with mom. My mom was a wonderful mother, but she did lose it at times. I do remember a couple bad fights where she told me that I should go and live with my father.

I will always love my father, but my mom was always there through the good and the bad. Now that I am an adult and I have a better idea of what she was dealing with, there is just no way I could hold anything against her. I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. Why was your wife able to get primary custody? In my mother's case my father was an alcoholic.

"You should go live with your father" is very different from "I'll make you go live with your father and you can never come back."

There's really no excuse for that kind of talk.

I just don't think we can say that the father should definitely get custody until we have the whole story. He is hearing these details from the kids not the mother. Why does the mother not want to talk to him? Why did the mother get primary custody in the first place? It's so easy for him to judge when he doesn't have to deal with the parenting. when he get to be the good guy. Many times during divorce if a child is upset with one parent they try to get support from the other parent. Many times through lying or not telling the whole truth to the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you located close enough to your XW and the kids' school to take them sometimes during the school week? If you are, then offer to take one or both kids for a week at a time instead of a weekend and see if she just needs a break. Even if she only gets a break once or twice a year, it may reduce her stress enough that she can get back to an even keel when parenting. Sometimes we all just need a break.

I think this is absolute, utter bullshit. If the genders were reversed in this situation everyone would be screaming to high heaven that the husband is abusive. People would be crowing about getting the children out of this situation NOW. But because it's a woman (and I'm a woman by the way) people are like "oh she just needs a break." No. She is abusive and manipulative. She does not deserve custody. She doesn't deserve anything, in my opinion, acting and using the situation this way. I'm sorry I don't really have advice. I do think you should have custody but if you don't have the means to pursue it, I don't know what to tell you.

I think people are reacting that way because OP already said he can't afford to go back to court in order to change the custody order. It is possible that giving her a break will provide a buffer and help his wife's mental health, which is better than nothing.

But I agree (and already posted as such), that he should do whatever he can in order to change the custody situation. His kids need him to step up.

Is there a resource that might help him, financially, considering the kids are in a toxic environment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you located close enough to your XW and the kids' school to take them sometimes during the school week? If you are, then offer to take one or both kids for a week at a time instead of a weekend and see if she just needs a break. Even if she only gets a break once or twice a year, it may reduce her stress enough that she can get back to an even keel when parenting. Sometimes we all just need a break.

I think this is absolute, utter bullshit. If the genders were reversed in this situation everyone would be screaming to high heaven that the husband is abusive. People would be crowing about getting the children out of this situation NOW. But because it's a woman (and I'm a woman by the way) people are like "oh she just needs a break." No. She is abusive and manipulative. She does not deserve custody. She doesn't deserve anything, in my opinion, acting and using the situation this way. I'm sorry I don't really have advice. I do think you should have custody but if you don't have the means to pursue it, I don't know what to tell you.

+1 to all this. My mother was (is) an emotionally manipulative child in many many ways, and she pulled this kind of shit all.the.time. The minute we were given the opportunity, we were all "oh, don't throw me in that briar patch brer fox". We got away from her just as fast as we could. Dad was and is kind of...emotionally stunted (Autism spectrum?), but was at least consistent. Life living with him was predictable and not a constant exercise in being emotionally castrated. Using these kinds of threats of abandonment are just guaranteed to leave deep, permanent emotional scars, which might be overcome after a marriage or two and a lot of therapy. Get your kids out now, as fast as you can.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

[Anonymous]

OP, it took my nephew a year to leave his parent's house. Your kids need to know your home is always an option.

In your shoes I'd speak to a child therapist who is knowledgable about split custody, and get advice from them on the best approach. If you think it would work, offer to your ex to come to some sessions. And/or offer to go to some parenting classes together. I assume there's not much hope she'd be open to that, but if you both went, maybe she'd see it as what's best for the kids.

Yes, you should be documenting everything. Yes, you might have to seek additional custodial time. Yes, that will be expensive. Courts often will appoint a best interest attorney for the kids to help make the best decision for the kids. Not for the parents. That's an option.

How old are the kids? Their opinion matters a lot in court once they are about 13 or so.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your ex can't handle the three kids on her own. You should take them on weekends. This is not a healthy situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

I think that's just one holier-than-thou poster who always posts that question, whether it's relevant or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't take sides until I know how much support and help your wife gets. I had a single mom growing up and my dad would tell us all the right things on the phone, but he never had to actually deal with any of the issues we were going through. We saw him every other weekend and he would spoil us rotten, but then sent us back to reality with mom. My mom was a wonderful mother, but she did lose it at times. I do remember a couple bad fights where she told me that I should go and live with my father.

I will always love my father, but my mom was always there through the good and the bad. Now that I am an adult and I have a better idea of what she was dealing with, there is just no way I could hold anything against her. I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. Why was your wife able to get primary custody? In my mother's case my father was an alcoholic.

"You should go live with your father" is very different from "I'll make you go live with your father and you can never come back."

There's really no excuse for that kind of talk.

I just don't think we can say that the father should definitely get custody until we have the whole story. He is hearing these details from the kids not the mother. Why does the mother not want to talk to him? Why did the mother get primary custody in the first place? It's so easy for him to judge when he doesn't have to deal with the parenting. when he get to be the good guy. Many times during divorce if a child is upset with one parent they try to get support from the other parent. Many times through lying or not telling the whole truth to the other parent.

Read the OP's post again. He didn't ask for advice on getting primary custody. He specifically asked what he can to to help his kids in the situation they're in now.

This has nothing to do with why she got primary custody. She's not handling it well, and it's doing a lot of damage to the kids. The fact that the oldest doesn't want to live with her but doesn't want to leave the younger siblings is telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't take sides until I know how much support and help your wife gets. I had a single mom growing up and my dad would tell us all the right things on the phone, but he never had to actually deal with any of the issues we were going through. We saw him every other weekend and he would spoil us rotten, but then sent us back to reality with mom. My mom was a wonderful mother, but she did lose it at times. I do remember a couple bad fights where she told me that I should go and live with my father.

I will always love my father, but my mom was always there through the good and the bad. Now that I am an adult and I have a better idea of what she was dealing with, there is just no way I could hold anything against her. I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. Why was your wife able to get primary custody? In my mother's case my father was an alcoholic.

This. Times a million. OP ain't gonna tell us the full story, folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't take sides until I know how much support and help your wife gets. I had a single mom growing up and my dad would tell us all the right things on the phone, but he never had to actually deal with any of the issues we were going through. We saw him every other weekend and he would spoil us rotten, but then sent us back to reality with mom. My mom was a wonderful mother, but she did lose it at times. I do remember a couple bad fights where she told me that I should go and live with my father.

I will always love my father, but my mom was always there through the good and the bad. Now that I am an adult and I have a better idea of what she was dealing with, there is just no way I could hold anything against her. I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. Why was your wife able to get primary custody? In my mother's case my father was an alcoholic.

This. Times a million. OP ain't gonna tell us the full story, folks.

Who gives a shi*t about that right now? Threatening kids with "they can't come home" is extremely harmful. Period. End of story.

I realize there are a lot of women on this forum who are justifiably angry with their former spouses, but there's absolutely no justification whatsoever for making a kid unsure about whether or not they have a home.