Need to vent: My parents don't show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP. I used to not accept who my parents were. Then, as my own child started to grow a bit older, I started to realize how much effort it took them to do things for us that I am now trying to do for my child. Like, Mom made sure I learned a foreign language early on. or that I was prepared to start school and was one of the best in class. My dad would take long walks with my brother and I, where we could talk about all kinds of stuff - he told us things related to history, literature, and just life.
I am starting to slowly accept them for who they are and letting go of the things they couldn't/wouldn't do for us. They never helped us out financially, dressed us very poorly, and didn't understand a lot of our struggles. But it is so, so hard to be a perfect parent. I am better at some things than they are, while they were better at other things.
I am not saying you shouldn't feel the way you feel, but I wish you could come to terms with your own dreams and expectations from your parents.

I know they did the best they could with their life experience. I always had low or minimal expectations from them. I always had to fend for myself, and in some ways it's made me quite resourceful and independent. However I guess at some point I started comparing with my friends parents, especially in times of need, and as they say- comparison is the thief of joy.

I used to compare, too, so I get it. I cannot give you a recipe as to how to make it go away, but somehow it just did. I did see a counselor a few years back on an unrelated issue, but she told me it all boils down to your relationship with your parents. So maybe it is a side effect of that counseling?
It's like I grew up and I don't need them anymore. I don't want to talk to them very much, but make a point of calling them every time I think about something they did with gratitude. Otherwise, I don't, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

No, you are choosing to do those things. They don't make you do anything. You're an adult, yes? Say no when they ask.

I know. But the guilt! And possible near death! My mom told me she almost had a stroke from the stress of picking out a gift for her friend's grandchild. Her blood pressure was through the roof. She had driven around everywhere, bought and returned multiple times. Extreme anxiety over picking the right gift. She is just so happy/relieved when I agree to buy the gifts for her. I don't mind the buying part. It's the wrapping and secretly sneaking it over to her that bugs me. Me, who is busy taking care of young kids. That, I can refuse next time.

Tell your mom that she can order it online and have it gift wrapped--most online vendors (even Amazon) will gift wrap most things for a small fee.

Ha! She's never been near a computer - scared to death of them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean, OP. I am also Asian (Korean) and my mother who is local, has tons of money, and is retired, has never volunteered to do anything with the kids on her own. She is busy with her own life, I suppose. But, when she expresses jealousy over why my kids go crazy for my MIL (who happens to be white), I am just in disbelief at her lack of self-awareness and self-absorbtion.

FWIW, she was not a great mother--e.g., I didn't do extra-curriculars when I was in school because neither of my parents could be bothered to take me to practices; and I never got to hang out with friends outside of school because they wouldn't drive me to the mall or give me money for the movies, etc. This even continued into my adulthood--when I was on bedrest with DS #2, she visited me in the hospital, but didn't bother to help with DS #1 at home.

My kids are now 13 and 11. It's sad, but she's not close to the grandkids and has no desire to be.

Yes! Exactly this. Especially the part over the confusion why our kids love to see and go to my in-laws, but are never excited to see my parents. I've overheard them talking at holiday gatherings over their puzzlement over how our kids go up to my in-laws and talk/play with them, but aren't the same way with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Lots of grandparents are only invited on occasions when they're expected to show up with gifts. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation, but it's a problem. Be sure your parents aren't feeling like this.

[Anonymous]

You can accept their limitations and be grateful for what they CAN do. That's important, and an important part of it.

BUT

You can and should set limits. ("I'm not going to be able to help you with presents this year. I know the kids would appreciate anything you would do for them.") You can state your feelings. ("It's OK if you don't want to come to an event for the kids but I wish you would tell me directly, rather than my hearing it from someone else.") Etc. Sometimes you can say, "You know, I don't know why you do XY and X, you probably have good reasons. But I do feel sort of hurt that you don't want to do Z." You can ask WHY they act in certain ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of grandparents are only invited on occasions when they're expected to show up with gifts. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation, but it's a problem. Be sure your parents aren't feeling like this.

No, in fact I wish they'd stop focusing and fretting so much about the gifts and just simply spend time with our kids. When we go visit them, my dad is often on the computer, and my mom is doing other stuff around the house while me and the kids are hanging out by ourselves. We've brought it up multiple times, and it's gotten somewhat better, but it's still an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can accept their limitations and be grateful for what they CAN do. That's important, and an important part of it.

BUT

You can and should set limits. ("I'm not going to be able to help you with presents this year. I know the kids would appreciate anything you would do for them.") You can state your feelings. ("It's OK if you don't want to come to an event for the kids but I wish you would tell me directly, rather than my hearing it from someone else.") Etc. Sometimes you can say, "You know, I don't know why you do XY and X, you probably have good reasons. But I do feel sort of hurt that you don't want to do Z." You can ask WHY they act in certain ways.

Yes, trying to get there. And I know they love the kids - even if it is a "crooked love" as a PP said. I know the reasons for their behaviors. They almost always stem from some sort of anxiety about something. About driving. About offending me. About offending my husband. About picking the right gift. About the kids not wanting to be around them. About the kids disliking them. About making us uncomfortable. About being judged by husband's family. On and on and on....

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you. My situation is a little different but similar. I've learned just to take what she can give. She does things only on her own terms, but that is true my whole life. She never watched me do the sports I did in HS because she didn't like to, but she'd come to my orchestra concerts for example. Still, growing up I felt protected and loved, we always had family dinners together, I got a lot of hugs.

I'll never forget though how alone I felt when I had my first child and my parents and rest of the family live out of state. DH and I spent 5 days in the hospital listening to all these happy families come visit the new babies and my Mom didn't contact me after the congratulations given when DH called to share the news, let alone visit. She no longer travels, but when the kids, now tweens, were little she'd visit and fondly look at them but not interact. She does love us though, just on her terms. I think my own growing up has been accepting that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

No, you are choosing to do those things. They don't make you do anything. You're an adult, yes? Say no when they ask.

I know. But the guilt! And possible near death! My mom told me she almost had a stroke from the stress of picking out a gift for her friend's grandchild. Her blood pressure was through the roof. She had driven around everywhere, bought and returned multiple times. Extreme anxiety over picking the right gift. She is just so happy/relieved when I agree to buy the gifts for her. I don't mind the buying part. It's the wrapping and secretly sneaking it over to her that bugs me. Me, who is busy taking care of young kids. That, I can refuse next time.

Order from Amazon and have it sent directly to her house, gift wrapped, with the intended recipient's name on the included card. There. 5 minute investment, and no more parental guilt trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

No, you are choosing to do those things. They don't make you do anything. You're an adult, yes? Say no when they ask.

I know. But the guilt! And possible near death! My mom told me she almost had a stroke from the stress of picking out a gift for her friend's grandchild. Her blood pressure was through the roof. She had driven around everywhere, bought and returned multiple times. Extreme anxiety over picking the right gift. She is just so happy/relieved when I agree to buy the gifts for her. I don't mind the buying part. It's the wrapping and secretly sneaking it over to her that bugs me. Me, who is busy taking care of young kids. That, I can refuse next time.

Order from Amazon and have it sent directly to her house, gift wrapped, with the intended recipient's name on the included card. There. 5 minute investment, and no more parental guilt trip.

Who still wraps gifts? I haven't wrapped a gift since I discovered gift bags 20 years ago. Just plop the gift in add some tissue paper and move on.