Need to vent: My parents don't show up.

[Anonymous]

Having just a small family gathering for our son's birthday this weekend. And I find out through a family member that they decided they aren't coming, just sending some cash. I'm just SAD. Really, really sad.

I mean, I get it. They don't feel comfortable driving 1.5 hours to visit us. But it's just been this lifelong thing. And as I look around at my friends who have completely capable parents who actually show up, want to see their grandchildren, are able to babysit, and actually help, I just feel sad that I don't have that.

Maybe I'm acting entitled. I know they don't owe me any help, visits, babysitting, or any of that. In my culture, we are supposed to take care of our parents as they age.

But when I see everyone else with helpful parents, the resentment starts to eat away at me, because it's been a lifelong dynamic. Financially, they supported me - they fully paid for my college, and they always give me cash on birthdays and christmas (never gifts). But beyond that... I don't even have a relationship with them. They don't even know me. They still think of me as a child. We can't even talk, because they are really critical or really anxious.

I don't even bother inviting them to things like our daughter's dance recitals, plays, or grandparents day at school, because I know they hate that stuff. They hated it when I was a kid too. They missed most, and only came to the required ones begrudgingly, while complaining all the time. They just are not into kids and kid stuff.

They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

[Anonymous]

Everyone else doesn't have helpful parents. Plenty of people don't.

Invest energy in the people in your life who invest in you.

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. Some people lose out in the parent department. I'm sure it's disappointing.

[Anonymous]

What you need to figure out is WHY they are like this, because it may be the only way you're going to give yourself some closure.

This is what I'm trying to do for my mother. She is hyper anxious, has social phobias, can only relax if I prioritize her above all else, etc etc, the list goes on. I'm realizing that she's a really messed up person, that's it's not her fault, that she's never going to get better and that I should work around her foibles as best I can.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry they suck. Not everyone is fit to be good parents/grandparents. You need to move on and as the pp poster said find good friends.

[Anonymous]

That sucks. Build a family village of friends. What culture are you that expects you to take care of them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What you need to figure out is WHY they are like this, because it may be the only way you're going to give yourself some closure.

This is what I'm trying to do for my mother. She is hyper anxious, has social phobias, can only relax if I prioritize her above all else, etc etc, the list goes on. I'm realizing that she's a really messed up person, that's it's not her fault, that she's never going to get better and that I should work around her foibles as best I can.

Can you tell me more? Are you at peace with her? Are you able to still have a relationship with her and interact with her without anger and resentment? I really wish I could get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks. Build a family village of friends. What culture are you that expects you to take care of them?

Asian.

[Anonymous]

OP here and thanks for the responses, sincerely. I do think I need a village of friends as a pp said - and I don't think I realized that until now. I think that's because I've constantly been in denial and haven't accepted the limitations of my parents, and have just been vainly wishing for and expecting more from them and getting disappointed every time. On top of that, I feel guilt for not being able to take care of them the way that I feel I should be. But I've got young kids and I just can't handle it right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What you need to figure out is WHY they are like this, because it may be the only way you're going to give yourself some closure.

This is what I'm trying to do for my mother. She is hyper anxious, has social phobias, can only relax if I prioritize her above all else, etc etc, the list goes on. I'm realizing that she's a really messed up person, that's it's not her fault, that she's never going to get better and that I should work around her foibles as best I can.

Can you tell me more? Are you at peace with her? Are you able to still have a relationship with her and interact with her without anger and resentment? I really wish I could get there.

What saves our relationship is that I know she loves me dearly, I can feel it. It's a crooked love, but whatever.
She still drives me crazy, but much less than before, even though she's gotten worse, because I've gotten wiser
I've learned to step back and let most of her stupid knee-jerk reactions and comments go. I see now they all come from a place of stunted emotional and psychological growth, and a lot of fear, for some reason. Now she's older, our relationship has subtly changed because of that too - it's almost as if I'm cutting her some slack just because I perceive her to be elderly and therefore beyond the reach of improvement. She's actually not that old (66), but her mental and physical health issues have always pushed her toward the old lady stage.
So I do have a relationship with her. Most people looking in would say it's an affectionate one, because they don't see me grinding my teeth and banging my head against the wall after I hang up or after she leaves my house. The secret for me is not to trigger her main anxiety inducements, never engage when she goes off the rails, always think before saying something out loud.

[Anonymous]

My parents send money / buy things if I ask (and often buy too much when I don't ask) but being there for events is not there thing. I'm due around Valentine's Day with my second and I knew better than to ask for help because my parents have a Valentine's Day party each year where they live (a few hour's flight away). Sure enough my mom told me "we can't be there to help because that's when we have our wine and dessert party and I'll need to be getting ready that week." My MIL would drop something like that in a heartbeat (but it's harder for her because she still works fulltime) while I've come to have different expectations for my parents.

[Anonymous]

OP,you are not alone. My parents don't show up but act like they would do anything for us...except when we really need them. I have a dire need for family to help me this weekend and my mom can't help because,well I don't really know because her excuse has changed so many times. At least you know what your parents limitations are and have been. Mine lie and misrepresent their intentions. Fun times! Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having just a small family gathering for our son's birthday this weekend. And I find out through a family member that they decided they aren't coming, just sending some cash. I'm just SAD. Really, really sad.

I mean, I get it. They don't feel comfortable driving 1.5 hours to visit us. But it's just been this lifelong thing. And as I look around at my friends who have completely capable parents who actually show up, want to see their grandchildren, are able to babysit, and actually help, I just feel sad that I don't have that.

Maybe I'm acting entitled. I know they don't owe me any help, visits, babysitting, or any of that. In my culture, we are supposed to take care of our parents as they age.

But when I see everyone else with helpful parents, the resentment starts to eat away at me, because it's been a lifelong dynamic. Financially, they supported me - they fully paid for my college, and they always give me cash on birthdays and christmas (never gifts). But beyond that... I don't even have a relationship with them. They don't even know me. They still think of me as a child. We can't even talk, because they are really critical or really anxious.

I don't even bother inviting them to things like our daughter's dance recitals, plays, or grandparents day at school, because I know they hate that stuff. They hated it when I was a kid too. They missed most, and only came to the required ones begrudgingly, while complaining all the time. They just are not into kids and kid stuff.

They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for sharing. That took courage.

[Anonymous]

OP you are definitely not alone. It's easy to see the examples of relationships you wished your own family lived up to. They stand out so strong vs. your reality.

You can try discussing it, letting them know that you are sad that they don't seem more interested in spending time. You can't change their behavior, but you absolutely can change your own expectations and response. Find friends to help or hire it when you need to. Make your own village happen.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I find that myself and dh and friends have had to face realities about our parents as we grow up and see them through different eyes. Once expectations are adjusted, it's easier, but you need to let go of your original expectations to appreciate other parts of them. It's not easy, but you kind of have to let a lot go in the process, including anger.