Need to vent: My parents don't show up.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PPs for your responses. I'm starting the process of acceptance of my parents' limitations and managing my own expectations. It's already started to help me. And I intend to take the advice of building my own village. I guess sometimes it takes letting go in order to gain something and move forward.

It was a pretty big realization for me that I've kind of been holding off on developing my friendships - because I felt I needed to make space and time and emotional energy into my family. I always had this idea that family was king, and should trump all priorities. So I've always pushed friendships lower on the priority list.

Also, I really appreciate the stories PPs shared about their own parents. It makes me feel less alone in my situation.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs Op. I had my children later in life and have no parental involvement, they just don't go out of their way, never have even though they have the means to do so. They were greatly involved with my sibling's children, but in their defense they were younger when the other grandchildren were born. The hardest is when they actually forget to put a card in the mail, or at least a phone call on that special day. Keep them aware of all those special things and hope for the best. It does get more difficult though as the children get older and realize their grandparents aren't there like others.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. I don't have advice but I just want to tell you hang in there.

[Anonymous]

That's awful! 1.5 hours is nothing. I am sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone, OP. Lots of us have nonparticipatory parents. MIL is from a culture that expects elders to be cared for by adult children, and she has nothing to do with us, only complains about us, and lets us know when she has a demand. Otherwise, even though she lives locally, she's never come to anything for the kids or helped out, and they're teens now. We don't even do holidays with her anymore. It's just awkward now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What you need to figure out is WHY they are like this, because it may be the only way you're going to give yourself some closure.

This is what I'm trying to do for my mother. She is hyper anxious, has social phobias, can only relax if I prioritize her above all else, etc etc, the list goes on. I'm realizing that she's a really messed up person, that's it's not her fault, that she's never going to get better and that I should work around her foibles as best I can.

No she doesn't need to figure out the WHY. She just needs to make peace.

OP, don't be sure we all have such perfect lives with helpful grandparents. My mom's "help" is always subtly undermining my authority with my kid - you would see her and think she's the best ever. Out in public I am all sweetness and light, but believe me, I am not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having just a small family gathering for our son's birthday this weekend. And I find out through a family member that they decided they aren't coming, just sending some cash. I'm just SAD. Really, really sad.

I mean, I get it. They don't feel comfortable driving 1.5 hours to visit us. But it's just been this lifelong thing. And as I look around at my friends who have completely capable parents who actually show up, want to see their grandchildren, are able to babysit, and actually help, I just feel sad that I don't have that.

Maybe I'm acting entitled. I know they don't owe me any help, visits, babysitting, or any of that. In my culture, we are supposed to take care of our parents as they age.

But when I see everyone else with helpful parents, the resentment starts to eat away at me, because it's been a lifelong dynamic. Financially, they supported me - they fully paid for my college, and they always give me cash on birthdays and christmas (never gifts). But beyond that... I don't even have a relationship with them. They don't even know me. They still think of me as a child. We can't even talk, because they are really critical or really anxious.

I don't even bother inviting them to things like our daughter's dance recitals, plays, or grandparents day at school, because I know they hate that stuff. They hated it when I was a kid too. They missed most, and only came to the required ones begrudgingly, while complaining all the time. They just are not into kids and kid stuff.

They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

Stop doing this.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH think of all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having just a small family gathering for our son's birthday this weekend. And I find out through a family member that they decided they aren't coming, just sending some cash. I'm just SAD. Really, really sad.

I mean, I get it. They don't feel comfortable driving 1.5 hours to visit us. But it's just been this lifelong thing. And as I look around at my friends who have completely capable parents who actually show up, want to see their grandchildren, are able to babysit, and actually help, I just feel sad that I don't have that.

Maybe I'm acting entitled. I know they don't owe me any help, visits, babysitting, or any of that. In my culture, we are supposed to take care of our parents as they age.

But when I see everyone else with helpful parents, the resentment starts to eat away at me, because it's been a lifelong dynamic. Financially, they supported me - they fully paid for my college, and they always give me cash on birthdays and christmas (never gifts). But beyond that... I don't even have a relationship with them. They don't even know me. They still think of me as a child. We can't even talk, because they are really critical or really anxious.

I don't even bother inviting them to things like our daughter's dance recitals, plays, or grandparents day at school, because I know they hate that stuff. They hated it when I was a kid too. They missed most, and only came to the required ones begrudgingly, while complaining all the time. They just are not into kids and kid stuff.

They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

No, you are choosing to do those things. They don't make you do anything. You're an adult, yes? Say no when they ask.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. I used to not accept who my parents were. Then, as my own child started to grow a bit older, I started to realize how much effort it took them to do things for us that I am now trying to do for my child. Like, Mom made sure I learned a foreign language early on. or that I was prepared to start school and was one of the best in class. My dad would take long walks with my brother and I, where we could talk about all kinds of stuff - he told us things related to history, literature, and just life.
I am starting to slowly accept them for who they are and letting go of the things they couldn't/wouldn't do for us. They never helped us out financially, dressed us very poorly, and didn't understand a lot of our struggles. But it is so, so hard to be a perfect parent. I am better at some things than they are, while they were better at other things.
I am not saying you shouldn't feel the way you feel, but I wish you could come to terms with your own dreams and expectations from your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP. I used to not accept who my parents were. Then, as my own child started to grow a bit older, I started to realize how much effort it took them to do things for us that I am now trying to do for my child. Like, Mom made sure I learned a foreign language early on. or that I was prepared to start school and was one of the best in class. My dad would take long walks with my brother and I, where we could talk about all kinds of stuff - he told us things related to history, literature, and just life.
I am starting to slowly accept them for who they are and letting go of the things they couldn't/wouldn't do for us. They never helped us out financially, dressed us very poorly, and didn't understand a lot of our struggles. But it is so, so hard to be a perfect parent. I am better at some things than they are, while they were better at other things.
I am not saying you shouldn't feel the way you feel, but I wish you could come to terms with your own dreams and expectations from your parents.

I know they did the best they could with their life experience. I always had low or minimal expectations from them. I always had to fend for myself, and in some ways it's made me quite resourceful and independent. However I guess at some point I started comparing with my friends parents, especially in times of need, and as they say- comparison is the thief of joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

No, you are choosing to do those things. They don't make you do anything. You're an adult, yes? Say no when they ask.

I know. But the guilt! And possible near death! My mom told me she almost had a stroke from the stress of picking out a gift for her friend's grandchild. Her blood pressure was through the roof. She had driven around everywhere, bought and returned multiple times. Extreme anxiety over picking the right gift. She is just so happy/relieved when I agree to buy the gifts for her. I don't mind the buying part. It's the wrapping and secretly sneaking it over to her that bugs me. Me, who is busy taking care of young kids. That, I can refuse next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They make me shop for all the kids birthday and christmas gifts, wrap it for them, bring it to their house secretly, so that they can give it to the kids. But then they don't even hand the gifts to them. I do it. They hate hate hate shopping for gifts, which I kind of get. But why make me do the work, just give cash and be done with it.

Vent over. Thank you for listening.

No, you are choosing to do those things. They don't make you do anything. You're an adult, yes? Say no when they ask.

I know. But the guilt! And possible near death! My mom told me she almost had a stroke from the stress of picking out a gift for her friend's grandchild. Her blood pressure was through the roof. She had driven around everywhere, bought and returned multiple times. Extreme anxiety over picking the right gift. She is just so happy/relieved when I agree to buy the gifts for her. I don't mind the buying part. It's the wrapping and secretly sneaking it over to her that bugs me. Me, who is busy taking care of young kids. That, I can refuse next time.

Tell your mom that she can order it online and have it gift wrapped--most online vendors (even Amazon) will gift wrap most things for a small fee.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean, OP. I am also Asian (Korean) and my mother who is local, has tons of money, and is retired, has never volunteered to do anything with the kids on her own. She is busy with her own life, I suppose. But, when she expresses jealousy over why my kids go crazy for my MIL (who happens to be white), I am just in disbelief at her lack of self-awareness and self-absorbtion.

FWIW, she was not a great mother--e.g., I didn't do extra-curriculars when I was in school because neither of my parents could be bothered to take me to practices; and I never got to hang out with friends outside of school because they wouldn't drive me to the mall or give me money for the movies, etc. This even continued into my adulthood--when I was on bedrest with DS #2, she visited me in the hospital, but didn't bother to help with DS #1 at home.

My kids are now 13 and 11. It's sad, but she's not close to the grandkids and has no desire to be.

[Anonymous]

I hear you 100%.

I had a similar situation and therapy helped me a lot. It's still really sad that they just don't seem to care that much, but I don't feel as much guilt about not trying with them. (ie. I would never do the present thing, and I have learned to let go of the guilt associated with not doing it.)

I also have an amazing group of friends and "chosen" parents.