Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says

[Anonymous]

OP-- cheaters always cheat. Divorce now while you have a good bargaining position on custody and are young enough to find someone who can ant a dirtbag.

His statement indicate that he's not capable of taking full responsibility for his actions. He'll do it again if he doesn't feel you've given him what he's entitled to. He showed you who he is. Believe him and get a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 years for me. I'm not over it-never will be. Forgave him long ago. Will never forget, though. Trust is long gone. Love disappeared. We exist because of our kids. Something triggered it last week-a comment an innocent comment made by a friend. I reminded DH that I will snap the rug out from under him when he least expects it. He seemed shocked-it's been 3 years. I told him I'd forgiven him long ago, but I do want him to feel similar pain; then he'll understand what he did to me.

I seriously question whether you have truly forgiven him. With so much bitterness still inside, it sounds as if you have not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

Most people with kids work through an affair and stay married. DCUM isn't a good measure of the real world because it's anonymous and people see things in black and white. Or they are divorced and want you to join their club because it validates their decisions.

Infidelity is very common. Evaluate your marriage based on the totality. Take all the time you need to sort through things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op you could divorce him - but you won't because you are weak willed like most dc women

They have kids. This will shock you - good parents consider their kids before they unleash the hell of divorce on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op you could divorce him - but you won't because you are weak willed like most dc women

They have kids. This will shock you - good parents consider their kids before they unleash the hell of divorce on them.

Plenty of people with kids get divorced. She will have to get a job and deal with the real world. I bet that is more motivation than the lids.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op you could divorce him - but you won't because you are weak willed like most dc women

They have kids. This will shock you - good parents consider their kids before they unleash the hell of divorce on them.

Plenty of people with kids get divorced. She will have to get a job and deal with the real world. I bet that is more motivation than the lids.....

Because most mothers don't know what it is to work hard

[Anonymous]

OP - You do not need advice from random people, including me, on a random board. Go and find a therapist who can provide the professional guidance to help you deal with your husband's cheating and help you to chart a course that will be best for you and your children. You need to get back your sense of direction first for yourself before you will have the strength to make a decision about how to engage DH. Right now you are hurting too much to be able to even envision how to really move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

I think that is admirable. I know these types of threads turn into raging infernos, but just to take it down a notch: you have every right to still feel hurt and angry. He also has a right to want you to move on; it's understandable. Put another way, just because he caused this terrible situation doesn't mean he doesn't want it to end. In fact, the worse he feels about it, the more he likely wants you to move on. Imagine how horrible he'd be if he didn't care whether you moved on. Anyway, just trying to give you a reason to look at this not like an insult, but as a normal human emotional situation. In the end though, you do need to move on if you want to stay together (for the kids or for any other reason).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - You do not need advice from random people, including me, on a random board. Go and find a therapist who can provide the professional guidance to help you deal with your husband's cheating and help you to chart a course that will be best for you and your children. You need to get back your sense of direction first for yourself before you will have the strength to make a decision about how to engage DH. Right now you are hurting too much to be able to even envision how to really move forward.

+1 and if you are not working, start the process to go back to work so that if in the end divorce is what happens, you are able to earn enough. Getting recertified, taking classes towards a Master's, seek out part time possibilities, volunteering at a non-profit in a position that is similar to what you did before (or what you want to do in the future).....

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband has a point, but the way he communicated it negates it almost entirely. If you truly want to reconcile, forgiveness or acceptance is integral to that. I can imagine that he wants to move past his affair, but it sounds like he doesn't understand (willfully or not) what that looks like for you. You don't just "get over it." You don't just go back to being lovey-dovey with each other. He was physically loving to another woman, and it is totally understandable that him being physically loving to you reminds you of that.

If you were still recoiling from his touches 3 YEARS later, I would be concerned that you were not processing the situation and that you would not be able to reconcile. It may turn out that you are not able to get past it and reconcile. You have known for three months. Expecting you to be hunky-dory right now is unrealistic and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Op not to kick you when you're down but you're staying with a man who has proven his character to you: this is what you signed up for when you decided to stay regardless. It cannot possibly be a surprise that the asshole acts like an asshole. Stay or don't but if you choose to stay you really can't continue to moan about the behavior you have accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years for me. I'm not over it-never will be. Forgave him long ago. Will never forget, though. Trust is long gone. Love disappeared. We exist because of our kids. Something triggered it last week-a comment an innocent comment made by a friend. I reminded DH that I will snap the rug out from under him when he least expects it. He seemed shocked-it's been 3 years. I told him I'd forgiven him long ago, but I do want him to feel similar pain; then he'll understand what he did to me.

Revenge affair?

Perhaps. I just know that he should feel similar pain. It's not about hate-I don't hate him. It's not about forgiveness-I've forgiven him. He's tried to make it back to normal. But you can't go back-you need to move forward. I've moved forward, but I can't forget nor can I numb the pain.

You need to look up the definition of forgive. It doesn't mean what you think it means. I'm not saying I disagree with you that he should feel the pain you felt, but I am not the one professing to have forgiven him. I'd feel the same way in your shoes (revenge) but I would not be able to honestly say I'd forgiven him.

OP: clearly he was a jerk and the honus is on him to earn your trust back, but it's been 3 months. I don't think the question is that far out of line. It's not like it happened 3 days ago. You should just tell him you're working on it but it'll take longer than 3 months. I wouldn't get too upset over him simply asking. But if it's constant then he needs to back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 years for me. I'm not over it-never will be. Forgave him long ago. Will never forget, though. Trust is long gone. Love disappeared. We exist because of our kids. Something triggered it last week-a comment an innocent comment made by a friend. I reminded DH that I will snap the rug out from under him when he least expects it. He seemed shocked-it's been 3 years. I told him I'd forgiven him long ago, but I do want him to feel similar pain; then he'll understand what he did to me.

If I were your DH, I'd be long gone. It seems that the conditions in the marriage that tempted him to cheat are still there, only worse. You stay married to punish him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

so you are just assuming he'll take care of himself sexually for months until you're ready to move ahead with the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you hate him, you should get a divorce. End of story.

+1 stop putting your life on hold, OP. He betrayed you. You admit to hating him. Really. So just get the ball rolling and reclaim your life.