Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

OP, what do you mean by "stick it out"? Is that stay together for a few years to see if you can put this behind you? Is that stay together forever even if he cheats on you again? Is that stay together forever even if you don't ever trust him again?

I stayed with my DH for 2.5 years, while I tried to figure out if he was remorseful, would do therapy, etc. At every step of the way, DH begged to stay together. His commitment to the marriage was variable. He was unable to stop cheating, quit alcohol and stay on medication or consistently participate in psychiatric and psychotherapeutic visits.

Those 2-3 years took a really extreme toll on me. While I was in it, I thought I was managing the stress well. But, out of it, I realized how much damage I suffered -- to my psyche, my career, my social network, etc. The damage I suffered also really affected my kids long term.

I also did not realize at the time I made the decision to stay, how much the sexual aspect of the infidelity would damage me. TBH, my ex's insistence that his sexual need was so important and that I needed to forgive him so that we could recover, felt very rape-y to me. No, he didn't hold me down and violently rape me. But, there was so much pressure on me to have sex with him again, that I ended up doing it even though I wasn't comfortable with it.

On the other hand, based on my past experience, I am a firm believer that once you have found out about the cheating, you have every right to draw out the relationship as long as you need to set yourself up for an effective divorce proceeding that protects your financial and custodial future.

Also, it's easy to say that you are staying "for the kids" but the calculation about the benefits and risks to the kids is very complicated, it's not just "broken" home v. "intact home". While I stayed with my DH, I realized that my kids were getting all kinds of implicit messages about what's acceptable in relationships. Even though they didn't know about the infidelity and they were very young, they realized many emotional things going on and often mis-attributed the reasons for those emotions. I mean, did I really want my kids to learn that "marriage" was where two people were polite to each other but Mommy rarely smiled and flinched when daddy touched her?

In the end, when the spouse is not interested in doing the work of reconciliation and earning back trust, IMO, it is really healthier for all to split. The only question is what timing works for you.

[Anonymous]

PP, from the higher drive spouse in a marriage, I do think that you were better off divorced. In addition to all the other serious problems you list, the kind of sexual incompatibility you mention is not reconcilable even in the absence of infidelity. It's simply not realistic to expect a spouse who cheated, in part over wanting more/different sex, to abstain even from sex within the marriage for months. Not gonna happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

so you are just assuming he'll take care of himself sexually for months until you're ready to move ahead with the marriage?

His sexual needs are not her problem at this point. Her healing is. When he made a choice to cheat, it was like he took a hatchet to her and hacked her up. So now she needs as long as it takes to heal from those wounds, and if it means he misses out on sex with her for a while, those are the consequences of his actions in injuring her. She's suffering the consequences of his actions. Does he get a free pass from any suffering? Surely he can learn to be a big boy and care for her and allow her to heal. If he can't, he's not worth having around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

so you are just assuming he'll take care of himself sexually for months until you're ready to move ahead with the marriage?

His sexual needs are not her problem at this point. Her healing is. When he made a choice to cheat, it was like he took a hatchet to her and hacked her up. So now she needs as long as it takes to heal from those wounds, and if it means he misses out on sex with her for a while, those are the consequences of his actions in injuring her. She's suffering the consequences of his actions. Does he get a free pass from any suffering? Surely he can learn to be a big boy and care for her and allow her to heal. If he can't, he's not worth having around.

I'm the wife. I cheated because our sex life was terrible. My husband's response was to insist his parents travel to our house and take care of our children for a long weekend so we could go away and start fresh. If he had moped - for MONTHS! - about my cheating, I would have been gone. If the reason the husband cheated was primarily sexual, her taking non sexual time to heal will drive him to cheat more, or to resent her. Just telling it like it is.

[Anonymous]

PP, most people have deeper emotions and responses related to sexual fidelity than you seem to grasp. Most likely, your husband secretly loathes you, but did what he had to to keep from losing access to his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

so you are just assuming he'll take care of himself sexually for months until you're ready to move ahead with the marriage?

His sexual needs are not her problem at this point. Her healing is. When he made a choice to cheat, it was like he took a hatchet to her and hacked her up. So now she needs as long as it takes to heal from those wounds, and if it means he misses out on sex with her for a while, those are the consequences of his actions in injuring her. She's suffering the consequences of his actions. Does he get a free pass from any suffering? Surely he can learn to be a big boy and care for her and allow her to heal. If he can't, he's not worth having around.

I'm the wife. I cheated because our sex life was terrible. My husband's response was to insist his parents travel to our house and take care of our children for a long weekend so we could go away and start fresh. If he had moped - for MONTHS! - about my cheating, I would have been gone. If the reason the husband cheated was primarily sexual, her taking non sexual time to heal will drive him to cheat more, or to resent her. Just telling it like it is.

+1

Like it or not, this is the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, most people have deeper emotions and responses related to sexual fidelity than you seem to grasp. Most likely, your husband secretly loathes you, but did what he had to to keep from losing access to his kids.

That's a fair point, but I don't think I am the only one who feels like I do, which is why I posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

so you are just assuming he'll take care of himself sexually for months until you're ready to move ahead with the marriage?

His sexual needs are not her problem at this point. Her healing is. When he made a choice to cheat, it was like he took a hatchet to her and hacked her up. So now she needs as long as it takes to heal from those wounds, and if it means he misses out on sex with her for a while, those are the consequences of his actions in injuring her. She's suffering the consequences of his actions. Does he get a free pass from any suffering? Surely he can learn to be a big boy and care for her and allow her to heal. If he can't, he's not worth having around.

I'm the wife. I cheated because our sex life was terrible. My husband's response was to insist his parents travel to our house and take care of our children for a long weekend so we could go away and start fresh. If he had moped - for MONTHS! - about my cheating, I would have been gone. If the reason the husband cheated was primarily sexual, her taking non sexual time to heal will drive him to cheat more, or to resent her. Just telling it like it is.

+1

Like it or not, this is the truth.

This. Cheating is such an opportunity to demonized one spouse and sanctify another. Some spouses make a unilateral decision to make the marriage pretty much celibate. No one who expects monogamy while enforcing celibacy gets much sympathy in my book. I agree with the guy up thread who said that if you're going to spend months and months licking your wounds and doing the whole mopey dopey act, it's time to move on because you'll never reconcile your differing sex drives.

Or you can just spend your time on message boards like this, where you'll be told your husband is Satan and that he's got profound character flaws that have nothing to do with you or your own sexual behavior.

"No! Studies have proven that men in happy marriages cheat!!" Annnnd...insert click bait article from Psychology Today or Redbook some other pop psychology magazine geared towards women readers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

so you are just assuming he'll take care of himself sexually for months until you're ready to move ahead with the marriage?

His sexual needs are not her problem at this point. Her healing is. When he made a choice to cheat, it was like he took a hatchet to her and hacked her up. So now she needs as long as it takes to heal from those wounds, and if it means he misses out on sex with her for a while, those are the consequences of his actions in injuring her. She's suffering the consequences of his actions. Does he get a free pass from any suffering? Surely he can learn to be a big boy and care for her and allow her to heal. If he can't, he's not worth having around.

I'm the wife. I cheated because our sex life was terrible. My husband's response was to insist his parents travel to our house and take care of our children for a long weekend so we could go away and start fresh. If he had moped - for MONTHS! - about my cheating, I would have been gone. If the reason the husband cheated was primarily sexual, her taking non sexual time to heal will drive him to cheat more, or to resent her. Just telling it like it is.

+1

Like it or not, this is the truth.

This. Cheating is such an opportunity to demonized one spouse and sanctify another. Some spouses make a unilateral decision to make the marriage pretty much celibate. No one who expects monogamy while enforcing celibacy gets much sympathy in my book. I agree with the guy up thread who said that if you're going to spend months and months licking your wounds and doing the whole mopey dopey act, it's time to move on because you'll never reconcile your differing sex drives.

Or you can just spend your time on message boards like this, where you'll be told your husband is Satan and that he's got profound character flaws that have nothing to do with you or your own sexual behavior.

"No! Studies have proven that men in happy marriages cheat!!" Annnnd...insert click bait article from Psychology Today or Redbook some other pop psychology magazine geared towards women readers.

This is just what you tell yourselves to make yourselves feel OK about doing something wrong. I totally agree with you that it is not reasonable to expect a completely sexless marriage. But that isn't a license to cheat. It is a license to approach your spouse to either 1) improve your sex life or 2) ask for an open marriage or 3) ask for a divorce. Just because you don't want to do 1-3 is no reason to lie and manipulate a spouse to stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would bet you anything this woman's husband tried approaching her about the lack of sex. But she was tired or it made her upset or the kids were little or she "lost her libido" or whatever. So many spouses, man and woman alike, plug their ears when their spouses try to talk about the sex issue and then cry foul when the spouse is desperate enough to cheat. If you don't have sex with your spouse by choice, you need to accept they will eventually get it from someone else.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Marriage was not sexless. As a matter of fact, we were TTC while DH was cheating. So I'm really not sure where all of these PPs are getting this information.

That said, I sought a different, more tender, more intimate form of sex with my husband as I was/am both healing from childhood sexual abuse and my husband watched/es porn compulsively. It's a messy foundation. I can definitively say that I, at least, was unsatisfied with our sex life when I found out about the cheating.

[Anonymous]

^^And I'll add that I had opportunities to cheat but didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Marriage was not sexless. As a matter of fact, we were TTC while DH was cheating. So I'm really not sure where all of these PPs are getting this information.

That said, I sought a different, more tender, more intimate form of sex with my husband as I was/am both healing from childhood sexual abuse and my husband watched/es porn compulsively. It's a messy foundation. I can definitively say that I, at least, was unsatisfied with our sex life when I found out about the cheating.

Your husband watches porn compulsively? And cheats? And you had an active sex life, but it wasn't very good for you? Sounds like what happened with me. Have you considered sex addiction as an issue for him? Does he think it's a problem? Just curious, because my husband had/has a problem with it, as well as other serious issues, and sought therapy, does a 12-step (SAA), and other things, with positive results.

I think you must seriously pursue more therapy for yourself, as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, because when a husband cheats and then tries to push you into physical contact of any kind when you're still hurting, it feels like that old feeling you had, being molested as a child, doesn't it? And that's terrible for you. He's not really concerned about you, tries to push boundaries by emotionally manipulating, and really just wants to get his needs met. Your reaction may actually be a healthy, self-protecting reaction to him.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like an insensitive asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like an insensitive asshole.

Of course he is. But op now knows this and chooses him anyway. This is the behavior she deems herself worthy of. So why are we here?