Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says

[Anonymous]

DH went to give me a hug today and we did hug, briefly. I guess because I didn't kiss him he asked "how's the forgiveness coming?" I was immediately furious that he would even ask this. He then said "you know we won't be able to move forward until you do." THIS is his main concern? I hate him. I really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH went to give me a hug today and we did hug, briefly. I guess because I didn't kiss him he asked "how's the forgiveness coming?" I was immediately furious that he would even ask this. He then said "you know we won't be able to move forward until you do." THIS is his main concern? I hate him. I really do.

Wow, I would tell him to f*** off. I'm so sorry OP.

If you are too wound up to talk to him directly about his insensitivity (I know I would be), send him an email with links to articles about how the guilty party has to behave during the reconciliation process, which includes not trying to rush or force forgiveness. He may get the hint.

[Anonymous]

We (men) like to fix stuff and move on. This doesn't sound any different. Of course you're upset, and healing happens at YOUR pace, not his, but I don't think this comment should in and of itself be something that should upset you even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH went to give me a hug today and we did hug, briefly. I guess because I didn't kiss him he asked "how's the forgiveness coming?" I was immediately furious that he would even ask this. He then said "you know we won't be able to move forward until you do." THIS is his main concern? I hate him. I really do.

He's right, but he's missing a crucial step. He's missing the part where he has to give you time to forgive, and he has to earn your trust and forgiveness. He is the one who has to be patient and try to make amends for this betrayal. It might take a long time, I've heard two years is the average, so he will need to be strong for you. If he can't, you should definitely consider leaving. Think about what is good for you. If he can't wait for you, he's not worth it. It's only been three months.

FWIW, my husband was also kind of like this. After the affair and my discovery, he said he didn't feel like we were connecting because I was distant, and he was not happy. For once, I stood up for myself and told him it was he who needed to work to get me back, not the other way around. That I was not going to be able to be super lovey dovey and adoring until I felt safe. He continued saying crappy things to me for months and, maybe after ten months, a lightbulb went off and he understood, finally. I don't know if we can make it work, but at least he has finally found true remorse and understands that my feelings of distrust and insecurity are justified.

Are you in individual counseling? If not, try it, it really helped me and allowed me to stop being such a doormat.

[Anonymous]

op you could divorce him - but you won't because you are weak willed like most dc women

[Anonymous]

That was a very self-serving & inconsiderate statement overall.

It takes a lot of TIME for a victim to get over something as traumatic as being cheated on.

Some more than others.....

Sounds to me as if he wants to just be instantly forgiven, then have everything resume back to "normal" lickety split.

How ideal that would be for him, but in reality he is not the center of the universe.

I honestly would be very put off by his comments OP.
So sorry for your pain.

[Anonymous]

So he is turning this situation into YOUR FAULT?
So sorry.
I have definitely heard this before. Yes, you need to work towards forgiveness however you see fit but the idea that he is just hanging around waiting for YOU to make things better is absolutely insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH went to give me a hug today and we did hug, briefly. I guess because I didn't kiss him he asked "how's the forgiveness coming?" I was immediately furious that he would even ask this. He then said "you know we won't be able to move forward until you do." THIS is his main concern? I hate him. I really do.

You need to lay it out for him: trust is earned, not given. What is he doing to earn your trust? Has he: told you every detail you want to know about the cheating? cut all contact? participating in couples and individual therapy? become completely transparent about his whereabouts and friendships? given you access to all online and communication accounts whether phone, email or app-based? given you access to all financial accounts?

Has he done this consistently over a long period of time (say 6 months to 5 years?).

Next time he says something similar, tell him you are waiting and watching how he earns your trust back. The currency of earned trust is action; words are worthless.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask him how termination this affair is coming? Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op you could divorce him - but you won't because you are weak willed like most dc women

+1. Leave or deal with it. Those are your only two choices, realistically.

[Anonymous]

You two are not soulmates. Dump him.

[Anonymous]

If you hate him, you should get a divorce. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH went to give me a hug today and we did hug, briefly. I guess because I didn't kiss him he asked "how's the forgiveness coming?" I was immediately furious that he would even ask this. He then said "you know we won't be able to move forward until you do." THIS is his main concern? I hate him. I really do.

What he said was true enough. You won't be able to move forward until you forgive him. Obviously, you haven't. Wasn't smart of him to ask you about it, though. He should shut up until you let him know he's forgiven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op you could divorce him - but you won't because you are weak willed like most dc women

+1. Leave or deal with it. Those are your only two choices, realistically.

Exactly. He's showing you who he IS. I would leave.

[Anonymous]

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