Has anyone ever made living apart work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's the problem, op?

Assuming you can afford the retirement home now, buy it and use it for vacations until your youngest goes to college and you can both move there together. Feel free to hang out there for longer stints if you want, but remember that your job of parenting your kids must come first until you drop them off at college.

What's the issue? Do you think your husband doesn't want to retire there anymore?

Can you name the area? Something to keep in mind: health care. The health care system in Hawaii, the Caribbean, Mexico, DR, CR, etc. is awful. The health care system in Florida is surprisingly awful as well. I have friends who retired to the USVI, Hawaii, and parts of the south and they fly home to DC or Hopkins for medical care. People need good health care as they age. Unless you are rolling in money and can afford to fly to a better area for doctors appointments, you might consider keeping condos in two areas.

There may be no problem. Parenting my kids obviously comes first and is why I'm willing to stay another decade. The issue I am facing is what makes sense for the 5-10 years once kids leave for college but while DH may want to continue his career in our current area. My guess is it will just get harder for him to move as time goes on. But perhaps I'm borrowing trouble. He knows (or should - I've said it multiple times) that I plan to move or at least spend 6 months a year elsewhere once kids are off to college. So I guess I can leave it up to him what he wants to do if that's the case.

How far away is the retirement location from the place you currently lives and DH works? There's a world of difference between DC/Florida and DC/Hawaii, for example. I could see working out an arrangement where you guys keep an apartment in DC (or whatever city you now live in) and split time between that and your retirement home. Maybe DH takes off Fridays and stays down with you, then commutes back to the city for work Monday-Thursday. A week or two later you do something similar -- head up to the city to be with him for a long weekend before returning home. No way would this be possible if the two locations are more than a few hours away by either plane or car. I personally wouldn't want to risk my marriage with that much distance for that long, but that's me.

Retirement area is more of a broad area than a specific destination. And I'd actually be fine with renting / being in different places until DH is actually ready to retire.

This thread has been edifying for me however. Moving nearer term may be best, though I don't know if it will happen. But it is useful advice to think about how this separation will impact my relationship - I think this type of 'time together/apart'' relationship would suit me / my temperament very well, which is why it feels like a viable option to me. But it's clear from the way folks post that many people need the less intense but more constant model of togetherness, and my spouse is probably one of those people. So the thoughts I have it my head, while perfectly workable for me may not work for him.

Precisely.

I posted earlier about the couple where the wife moved to Hawaii. She was totally lobbying for it because she didn't need to be with her husband all the time to still feel connected. Unfortunately, I don't think men are wired like that. I think some women enjoy the solitude and don't miss sex, but I think men prefer to be taken care of--in the bedroom and the kitchen. I'm telling you that this sort of separation will ultimately end your marriage. Like the couple I know, he might be up for it initially, but it won't take long before he's hanging out with coworkers, going out for drinks, etc. He will crave company. He will crave sex...even if you two don't currently have a great sex life, I assure you his drive will kick into gear if a new woman shows interest.

So don't move anywhere without your spouse...unless you are fine with getting divorced. And recognize that everyone will blame you since you are the one that left.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have lived on separate locations for long stretches and it worked for us but 1) we are used to it 2) we have great communication and talk/text all day long no matter the distance. Not sure if would work in your case as you seem to have no prior experience with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I secretly fantasize about living in different houses, but really close to each other. Simpler dinners, I could decorate the house how I want, instead of trying to appease his aesthetics, no pee and poop to clean off the toilet every day, the bedsheets and pillows would not stink after 2 days, less laundry, less crumbs in the couch, less pubic hair to clean up in the bathroom. But then I remember he's pretty darn handy around the house, and it's nice he puts the kids to bed the majority of the nights. And I guess I like sleeping next to him.

My BFF has a little shed in the backyard that is the feminine version of a man cave. It's so pretty! Everything is white and delicate. There's a half-bath, a day bed, desk, and a couple chairs. She has a jock husband and two jock boys. They aren't allowed in. She sleeps in it if they trash the house or leave pee in the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So don't move anywhere without your spouse...unless you are fine with getting divorced. And recognize that everyone will blame you since you are the one that left.

To be honest if the choice were stay and stay married vs. leave and get divorced I would choose divorce. Because within the full context of our life staying IS a choice and his choosing that would mean my wants and needs simply didn't matter in my marriage, and I am not OK living that or modeling it for my kids.

But I believe that to be a false choice because my husband actually does care about me and wants me to be happy.

So what I take from this is that we need to have some more concrete conversations about structuring things so we can either move sooner or move together when the kids graduate. We do talk about it, but not necessarily about specifics, so I think I need to sit down with him and really get into the details of how we can make this work.

[Anonymous]

DH and I live in separate apartments. It saved our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing: this seems to be all about you and your wants/needs. Just because your husband might not be ready to go when you are doesn't mean he isn't supporting you...have you thought about listening to his needs?

Maybe he has a firmer grasp on your family's financial situation and realizes that he can't simply retire when you say so. Maybe his head isn't in la-la land and he recognizes that he simply can't find a comparable job in the area where *you* want to live.

Who handles the finances in your house? Regardless of the fact that you both earn a living, who really manages the investments, retirement planning, college planning, etc.? In my house, it's my husband. While nothing would please me more than retiring early to the Cayman Islands, my husband assures me that we can't swing that (now or ever). That doesn't mean I can accuse him of not supporting my wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I live in separate apartments. It saved our marriage.

You don't have a marriage. No clue why you pretend that you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So don't move anywhere without your spouse...unless you are fine with getting divorced. And recognize that everyone will blame you since you are the one that left.

To be honest if the choice were stay and stay married vs. leave and get divorced I would choose divorce. Because within the full context of our life staying IS a choice and his choosing that would mean my wants and needs simply didn't matter in my marriage, and I am not OK living that or modeling it for my kids.

But I believe that to be a false choice because my husband actually does care about me and wants me to be happy.

So what I take from this is that we need to have some more concrete conversations about structuring things so we can either move sooner or move together when the kids graduate. We do talk about it, but not necessarily about specifics, so I think I need to sit down with him and really get into the details of how we can make this work.

I am having a hard time picturing a hobby that is so important it would be worth divorcing over. Is it a sport? Would you be able to surf or golf or whatever it is when you are older? If it's something like walking on the beach, it would be easy to get a weekend home someplace close to DC you so could go more often without having to uproot your entire family because of your hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: this seems to be all about you and your wants/needs. Just because your husband might not be ready to go when you are doesn't mean he isn't supporting you...have you thought about listening to his needs?

Maybe he has a firmer grasp on your family's financial situation and realizes that he can't simply retire when you say so. Maybe his head isn't in la-la land and he recognizes that he simply can't find a comparable job in the area where *you* want to live.

Who handles the finances in your house? Regardless of the fact that you both earn a living, who really manages the investments, retirement planning, college planning, etc.? In my house, it's my husband. While nothing would please me more than retiring early to the Cayman Islands, my husband assures me that we can't swing that (now or ever). That doesn't mean I can accuse him of not supporting my wishes.

I do.

[Anonymous]

And can you afford to move to the other area together if your husband retires and doesn't work again?

[Anonymous]

Another thought...sometimes you need to keep a certain address to keep residency for your kids so they can get in state tuition for college.

[Anonymous]

Go talk to your husband and report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So don't move anywhere without your spouse...unless you are fine with getting divorced. And recognize that everyone will blame you since you are the one that left.

To be honest if the choice were stay and stay married vs. leave and get divorced I would choose divorce. Because within the full context of our life staying IS a choice and his choosing that would mean my wants and needs simply didn't matter in my marriage, and I am not OK living that or modeling it for my kids.

But I believe that to be a false choice because my husband actually does care about me and wants me to be happy.

So what I take from this is that we need to have some more concrete conversations about structuring things so we can either move sooner or move together when the kids graduate. We do talk about it, but not necessarily about specifics, so I think I need to sit down with him and really get into the details of how we can make this work.

I am having a hard time picturing a hobby that is so important it would be worth divorcing over. Is it a sport? Would you be able to surf or golf or whatever it is when you are older? If it's something like walking on the beach, it would be easy to get a weekend home someplace close to DC you so could go more often without having to uproot your entire family because of your hobby.

Poor choice of words on my part.

Better equivalent scenario: a person who loves the ocean and attendant activities (sailing, fishing, etc.) living in Denver, CO asking to move back to a coast. Denver is a great town, but maybe not the right fit for that person.

[Anonymous]

This thread is somewhat related. It's from the jobs forum, and it's about the pros and cons - but mostly cons - of living apart for work.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/553497.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I live in separate apartments. It saved our marriage.

You don't have a marriage. No clue why you pretend that you do.

I absolutely do have a marriage. I have more of a marriage than I did when we shared a roof. Who the fuck do you think you are?