Has anyone ever made living apart work?

[Anonymous]

Not thinking now (still have kids at home) but in ~15 years when we are empty nesters.

We are in agreement about where to retire, but not sure DH will be ready to retire / switch careers when kids graduate HS and I really dislike where we live but don't want to force the issue at this stage and uproot everyone since it works for all the other people in my family.

So am I completely insane to think it could work for me to move to the retirement area when kids graduate and do some kind of splitting time / visiting between us until he's ready to follow?

Note this is purely a geographical issue. I simply don't like where we live, and have given it enough time to think my feelings will never warm up beyond tolerate. People are nice and lifestyle is good, but the geography is cruddy for me and I'm a person where that is of primary importance.

Note kids are elementary age and the older one in particular seems to struggle with transitions / being uprooted, thus my inclination to not pull the nuclear 'we need to move' at this point. Just trying to figure out how to make it work for me.

And to answer the inevitable question: yes I work, and yes my job is portable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not thinking now (still have kids at home) but in ~15 years when we are empty nesters.

We are in agreement about where to retire, but not sure DH will be ready to retire / switch careers when kids graduate HS and I really dislike where we live but don't want to force the issue at this stage and uproot everyone since it works for all the other people in my family.

So am I completely insane to think it could work for me to move to the retirement area when kids graduate and do some kind of splitting time / visiting between us until he's ready to follow?

Note this is purely a geographical issue. I simply don't like where we live, and have given it enough time to think my feelings will never warm up beyond tolerate. People are nice and lifestyle is good, but the geography is cruddy for me and I'm a person where that is of primary importance.

Note kids are elementary age and the older one in particular seems to struggle with transitions / being uprooted, thus my inclination to not pull the nuclear 'we need to move' at this point. Just trying to figure out how to make it work for me.

And to answer the inevitable question: yes I work, and yes my job is portable.

I know someone who tried something similar at retirement. Family built a house down south, sold their house here but rented an apartment so they could come back and forth regularly. DH moved south. DW never committed fully. After 2 years they gave up the rental and bought a condo. DW lives in the condo all year and goes south for a couple of months in the winter and a few other times but only for about a week or 2. DH is constantly driving/flying back and forth, when he really wants to stay south.

[Anonymous]

We lived apart due to job situations for the first 3.5 years of our marriage. There was a geographic angle to this, since both of our careers were also pretty geographically limited. When I got pregnant, I switched careers and moved to where DH was/we still are. Just had our second baby, and things are pretty good between us. I don't know about doing this in retirement, just because I like being in the same house as DH, but it is workable in general if you are good communicators by phone and have the means and willingness to travel frequently.

One thing that might have helped us, though, is that DH and I were also long-distance when we first started dating (moved to be together for several years, then apart for jobs). DH isn't naturally great at talking through things, but that started us off on the right foot of good communication. Without the ability to talk through emotional stuff on the phone, I don't think a LD marriage would work.

[Anonymous]

A lot can happen in 15 years. It's a bit strange you are fixating on that right now...fantasizing about your future life in this other place is not going to get you through the next 15 years.

If you end up staying in a place you've hated for 15 years, you will by then have bigger problems than maintaining a long distance relationship.

You either need to find ways to like where you are or drop the martyr bit and find a new place where everyone in the family can enjoy living.

Also not sure what you mean by 'I don't like the geography'. Are you saying its literally too flat/mountainous/barren? I only ask because disliking it because you can't ski there is probably something you can overcome. Have you been there more than 2 years? I think you may feel differently if it's been less than 2 years.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple that s live in different countries due to job and college opportunities. They each visit and spend about 2 months a year together, but it's temporary. And I don't know their inner story just that they seem happy and stable.

A lot could happen or change in 15 years OP. You really can't make these plans now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot can happen in 15 years. It's a bit strange you are fixating on that right now...fantasizing about your future life in this other place is not going to get you through the next 15 years.

If you end up staying in a place you've hated for 15 years, you will by then have bigger problems than maintaining a long distance relationship.

You either need to find ways to like where you are or drop the martyr bit and find a new place where everyone in the family can enjoy living.

Not fixated, just something I am thinking about it because we are away in retirement destination and something DH said last night made me think we might need to ground truth our long term life pans, including retirement plans. Though I realize plans are subject to change. It's also closer to 12 years and while there are child-based reasons why I am OK with living there now, staying full time once they have graduated is not an option I am OK with planning for. So curious if there are non-conventional options to balance my wants and my husbands wants. Is this kind of long distance my ideal? No, but I have to operate within the constraints of the life I actually have, not the one I wish I had.

Also not sure what you mean by 'I don't like the geography'. Are you saying its literally too flat/mountainous/barren? I only ask because disliking it because you can't ski there is probably something you can overcome. Have you been there more than 2 years? I think you may feel differently if it's been less than 2 years.

Yes it is literally geography of the type you describe. Have been there closer to 5, and not something I am likely to change my mind on - my opinion of the location has been the same for nearly 2 decades. And while 12 years is a long time, I also realize how time moves more quickly and that these are the years where you make a lot more compromises for kids. So I am (mostly) OK with that now. Once kids are out of the house I simply won't be OK with spending 80% of my time there. So the question is will some amount of long distance be workable or to I need to be a lot firmere with DH that he needs to be planning his career to accomodate a move at that point.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple that did that. After the last kid went off to college, the wife went to Hawaii, got a job, and bought a house. Husband visited, but decided he would stay in their old home for six months or so to fix up the house and sell it, settle their finances, etc. After a year of taking turns going back and forth, they decided to live apart. It took some time before they officially separated and divorce.

How can you truly think it's okay to live apart, op?

If your husband is truly in, then buy the future retirement home whenever you both are ready. Split time between two residences together, or take short solo trips. But you can't live apart. He will get lonely and find a new gal pal...that's what happened to the couple I described above. Do you expect him to just work and go home alone?

[Anonymous]

If you really dislike where you are now, you should move now, before the kids get to middle school and high school.

You don't want to spend all these years in a place you dislike, if you have the means to move now and to make it work for everyone. The kids will adjust better than you'd think at this age.

I've moved around all my life, living all over the world, all over this country, so I'm very adaptable, but one thing I've learned is that if I disliked a place, it never got better with time. Another thing I learned is that it's pretty horrible to move during high school.

[Anonymous]

My sister moved to the country - very rural, decided she didn't like it and bought a house an hour away in the closest small town. They see each other on the weekends, but my impression is my BIL doesn't like my sister very much.

[Anonymous]

Are you one of those people who thinks life will be puppy dogs and rainbows if you move to another magical place? That never works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really dislike where you are now, you should move now, before the kids get to middle school and high school.

You don't want to spend all these years in a place you dislike, if you have the means to move now and to make it work for everyone. The kids will adjust better than you'd think at this age.

I've moved around all my life, living all over the world, all over this country, so I'm very adaptable, but one thing I've learned is that if I disliked a place, it never got better with time. Another thing I learned is that it's pretty horrible to move during high school.

I'm not the OP, but thank you for saying this. I have one child in elementary school and 2 in preschool. I hate where I live. I've been here 2.5 years and I really don't see it getting better. I've lived in several places and liked them so I kind of know that it's just not going to get better here. I want to move ( and we can), but I feel bad for moving my 2nd grader and even the little ones. Everyone is settled in their school. However, I think i should just do it now before it gets harder to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you one of those people who thinks life will be puppy dogs and rainbows if you move to another magical place? That never works out.

No, I am a person who has a hobby about which I am passionate and that is a driving force for me in my life and that is straight up not available where I currently live. So I am just trying to figure out how to create a life over time that works for both me and my family. I am trying to figure out what the right level of selfish is, and what my options are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really dislike where you are now, you should move now, before the kids get to middle school and high school.

You don't want to spend all these years in a place you dislike, if you have the means to move now and to make it work for everyone. The kids will adjust better than you'd think at this age.

I've moved around all my life, living all over the world, all over this country, so I'm very adaptable, but one thing I've learned is that if I disliked a place, it never got better with time. Another thing I learned is that it's pretty horrible to move during high school.

Thank you for this. Gives me a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

Selfish

[Anonymous]

What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?