Has anyone ever made living apart work?

[Anonymous]

I want to be with my DH more than I ever want to live any particular place.

We had a very simple wedding, but the only vow I insisted we include was whither thou goest. My first marriage was a nightmare in part because my first husband would never consider moving away from his family regardless of how miserable we both were living in that high COLA, fast-paced, keep up with the Joneses community.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend, who is in her mid- to late thirties. She and her DH have been living apart for close to six years by now. He is in a state three hours away because his job is there, and he's doing really well. She moved with him originally, but found it stifling and missed the international vibe of DC. So she moved back when her old job offered to take her back. At the time the kids were six and two. They are still here with no plans to move back. She rents a large apartment and her parents live with her and the kids, and provide a pretty much 24/7 childcare coverage. Her DH visits every other weekend, or she visits him, or they travel together. They seem to be doing well. I think she secretly prefers this arrangement because it's less work for her, she has time to pursue hobbies and interest while grandma and grandpa watch the kids, she has the bed to herself, and her relationship with DH feels fresh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?

OP here. Rather than get into my specifics I will provide an analogy to my situation.

Imagine you are an observant individual for whom the practice of your religion is important. Now imagine you live somewhere where you are the only member of your faith and you must travel large distances in order to find other practitioners / your religious community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We lived apart due to job situations for the first 3.5 years of our marriage. There was a geographic angle to this, since both of our careers were also pretty geographically limited. When I got pregnant, I switched careers and moved to where DH was/we still are. Just had our second baby, and things are pretty good between us. I don't know about doing this in retirement, just because I like being in the same house as DH, but it is workable in general if you are good communicators by phone and have the means and willingness to travel frequently.

One thing that might have helped us, though, is that DH and I were also long-distance when we first started dating (moved to be together for several years, then apart for jobs). DH isn't naturally great at talking through things, but that started us off on the right foot of good communication. Without the ability to talk through emotional stuff on the phone, I don't think a LD marriage would work.

Okay, this is weird but this is the exact situation with my neighbors.

An older man and woman in their 70s. Both retired. They bought a house in Florida and kept a city condo. The wife lives near us in the condo with her daughter occasional staying. The husband lives full-time in FL but comes to visit every few months or so. She never goes done there except maybe 1-2 a year. Just doesn't like it. Has been badgering him to come back to the city but he doesn't like it there.

I think, haven't asked, that both of their properties are paid off. But is funny because I guess this more common than one would think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?

OP here. Rather than get into my specifics I will provide an analogy to my situation.

Imagine you are an observant individual for whom the practice of your religion is important. Now imagine you live somewhere where you are the only member of your faith and you must travel large distances in order to find other practitioners / your religious community.

Apples and watermelons.

You sound like a drama queen.

I really love to lay on the beach in Caribbean and drink mudslides, but that doesn't mean I can up and move there without my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?

OP here. Rather than get into my specifics I will provide an analogy to my situation.

Imagine you are an observant individual for whom the practice of your religion is important. Now imagine you live somewhere where you are the only member of your faith and you must travel large distances in order to find other practitioners / your religious community.

Apples and watermelons.

You sound like a drama queen.

I really love to lay on the beach in Caribbean and drink mudslides, but that doesn't mean I can up and move there without my husband.

We will just have to disagree on that point.

The agreement with my spouse when we moved was that we could move again after X amount of time if I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. But the other members of my family are happy. So I am trying to figure out a solution / long term plan that will best meet everybody's needs, including mine. If that makes me a Drama Queen, so be it.

[Anonymous]

So what's the problem, op?

Assuming you can afford the retirement home now, buy it and use it for vacations until your youngest goes to college and you can both move there together. Feel free to hang out there for longer stints if you want, but remember that your job of parenting your kids must come first until you drop them off at college.

What's the issue? Do you think your husband doesn't want to retire there anymore?

Can you name the area? Something to keep in mind: health care. The health care system in Hawaii, the Caribbean, Mexico, DR, CR, etc. is awful. The health care system in Florida is surprisingly awful as well. I have friends who retired to the USVI, Hawaii, and parts of the south and they fly home to DC or Hopkins for medical care. People need good health care as they age. Unless you are rolling in money and can afford to fly to a better area for doctors appointments, you might consider keeping condos in two areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?

OP here. Rather than get into my specifics I will provide an analogy to my situation.

Imagine you are an observant individual for whom the practice of your religion is important. Now imagine you live somewhere where you are the only member of your faith and you must travel large distances in order to find other practitioners / your religious community.

Apples and watermelons.

You sound like a drama queen.

I really love to lay on the beach in Caribbean and drink mudslides, but that doesn't mean I can up and move there without my husband.

We will just have to disagree on that point.

The agreement with my spouse when we moved was that we could move again after X amount of time if I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. But the other members of my family are happy. So I am trying to figure out a solution / long term plan that will best meet everybody's needs, including mine. If that makes me a Drama Queen, so be it.

So the Fxxxk what? Life is not about pursuing your own personal happiness at the cost of all others. Selfish brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really dislike where you are now, you should move now, before the kids get to middle school and high school.

You don't want to spend all these years in a place you dislike, if you have the means to move now and to make it work for everyone. The kids will adjust better than you'd think at this age.

I've moved around all my life, living all over the world, all over this country, so I'm very adaptable, but one thing I've learned is that if I disliked a place, it never got better with time. Another thing I learned is that it's pretty horrible to move during high school.

Thank you for this. Gives me a lot to think about.

Sounds like moving soon is best for your family long term. Even if you are both committed to living happily apart, you will get lonely and one of you will get too lonely and break up or find someone new. This will be worst than the effect of a move now. Give your kid some credit. They will adjust. They will adjust better to this than to parents who are apart or divorced.

[Anonymous]

I don't find OP selfish at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what's the problem, op?

Assuming you can afford the retirement home now, buy it and use it for vacations until your youngest goes to college and you can both move there together. Feel free to hang out there for longer stints if you want, but remember that your job of parenting your kids must come first until you drop them off at college.

What's the issue? Do you think your husband doesn't want to retire there anymore?

Can you name the area? Something to keep in mind: health care. The health care system in Hawaii, the Caribbean, Mexico, DR, CR, etc. is awful. The health care system in Florida is surprisingly awful as well. I have friends who retired to the USVI, Hawaii, and parts of the south and they fly home to DC or Hopkins for medical care. People need good health care as they age. Unless you are rolling in money and can afford to fly to a better area for doctors appointments, you might consider keeping condos in two areas.

There may be no problem. Parenting my kids obviously comes first and is why I'm willing to stay another decade. The issue I am facing is what makes sense for the 5-10 years once kids leave for college but while DH may want to continue his career in our current area. My guess is it will just get harder for him to move as time goes on. But perhaps I'm borrowing trouble. He knows (or should - I've said it multiple times) that I plan to move or at least spend 6 months a year elsewhere once kids are off to college. So I guess I can leave it up to him what he wants to do if that's the case.

[Anonymous]

I secretly fantasize about living in different houses, but really close to each other. Simpler dinners, I could decorate the house how I want, instead of trying to appease his aesthetics, no pee and poop to clean off the toilet every day, the bedsheets and pillows would not stink after 2 days, less laundry, less crumbs in the couch, less pubic hair to clean up in the bathroom. But then I remember he's pretty darn handy around the house, and it's nice he puts the kids to bed the majority of the nights. And I guess I like sleeping next to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's the problem, op?

Assuming you can afford the retirement home now, buy it and use it for vacations until your youngest goes to college and you can both move there together. Feel free to hang out there for longer stints if you want, but remember that your job of parenting your kids must come first until you drop them off at college.

What's the issue? Do you think your husband doesn't want to retire there anymore?

Can you name the area? Something to keep in mind: health care. The health care system in Hawaii, the Caribbean, Mexico, DR, CR, etc. is awful. The health care system in Florida is surprisingly awful as well. I have friends who retired to the USVI, Hawaii, and parts of the south and they fly home to DC or Hopkins for medical care. People need good health care as they age. Unless you are rolling in money and can afford to fly to a better area for doctors appointments, you might consider keeping condos in two areas.

There may be no problem. Parenting my kids obviously comes first and is why I'm willing to stay another decade. The issue I am facing is what makes sense for the 5-10 years once kids leave for college but while DH may want to continue his career in our current area. My guess is it will just get harder for him to move as time goes on. But perhaps I'm borrowing trouble. He knows (or should - I've said it multiple times) that I plan to move or at least spend 6 months a year elsewhere once kids are off to college. So I guess I can leave it up to him what he wants to do if that's the case.

How far away is the retirement location from the place you currently lives and DH works? There's a world of difference between DC/Florida and DC/Hawaii, for example. I could see working out an arrangement where you guys keep an apartment in DC (or whatever city you now live in) and split time between that and your retirement home. Maybe DH takes off Fridays and stays down with you, then commutes back to the city for work Monday-Thursday. A week or two later you do something similar -- head up to the city to be with him for a long weekend before returning home. No way would this be possible if the two locations are more than a few hours away by either plane or car. I personally wouldn't want to risk my marriage with that much distance for that long, but that's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's the problem, op?

Assuming you can afford the retirement home now, buy it and use it for vacations until your youngest goes to college and you can both move there together. Feel free to hang out there for longer stints if you want, but remember that your job of parenting your kids must come first until you drop them off at college.

What's the issue? Do you think your husband doesn't want to retire there anymore?

Can you name the area? Something to keep in mind: health care. The health care system in Hawaii, the Caribbean, Mexico, DR, CR, etc. is awful. The health care system in Florida is surprisingly awful as well. I have friends who retired to the USVI, Hawaii, and parts of the south and they fly home to DC or Hopkins for medical care. People need good health care as they age. Unless you are rolling in money and can afford to fly to a better area for doctors appointments, you might consider keeping condos in two areas.

There may be no problem. Parenting my kids obviously comes first and is why I'm willing to stay another decade. The issue I am facing is what makes sense for the 5-10 years once kids leave for college but while DH may want to continue his career in our current area. My guess is it will just get harder for him to move as time goes on. But perhaps I'm borrowing trouble. He knows (or should - I've said it multiple times) that I plan to move or at least spend 6 months a year elsewhere once kids are off to college. So I guess I can leave it up to him what he wants to do if that's the case.

How far away is the retirement location from the place you currently lives and DH works? There's a world of difference between DC/Florida and DC/Hawaii, for example. I could see working out an arrangement where you guys keep an apartment in DC (or whatever city you now live in) and split time between that and your retirement home. Maybe DH takes off Fridays and stays down with you, then commutes back to the city for work Monday-Thursday. A week or two later you do something similar -- head up to the city to be with him for a long weekend before returning home. No way would this be possible if the two locations are more than a few hours away by either plane or car. I personally wouldn't want to risk my marriage with that much distance for that long, but that's me.

Retirement area is more of a broad area than a specific destination. And I'd actually be fine with renting / being in different places until DH is actually ready to retire.

This thread has been edifying for me however. Moving nearer term may be best, though I don't know if it will happen. But it is useful advice to think about how this separation will impact my relationship - I think this type of 'time together/apart'' relationship would suit me / my temperament very well, which is why it feels like a viable option to me. But it's clear from the way folks post that many people need the less intense but more constant model of togetherness, and my spouse is probably one of those people. So the thoughts I have it my head, while perfectly workable for me may not work for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend, who is in her mid- to late thirties. She and her DH have been living apart for close to six years by now. He is in a state three hours away because his job is there, and he's doing really well. She moved with him originally, but found it stifling and missed the international vibe of DC. So she moved back when her old job offered to take her back. At the time the kids were six and two. They are still here with no plans to move back. She rents a large apartment and her parents live with her and the kids, and provide a pretty much 24/7 childcare coverage. Her DH visits every other weekend, or she visits him, or they travel together. They seem to be doing well. I think she secretly prefers this arrangement because it's less work for her, she has time to pursue hobbies and interest while grandma and grandpa watch the kids, she has the bed to herself, and her relationship with DH feels fresh.

DH here and this sounds like an ideal situation for me. Especially if we could have a DADT element too. My wife and I get along better when we see less of each other.