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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]From what I have seen:  couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP.  It never lasts.  OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.[/quote]

[url=http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/weddings/19vows.html?_r=0]This is your "exception"[/url], although I think there are many more.  Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

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Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:
[quote]“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”[/quote]

Ok, seriously get over yourself.  Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason.  We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's.  We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business.  But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family.  You aren't.  You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

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[b]And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story. [/b] [/quote]

Right, and that is something you have no control over.  So forget about whether you and your AP can make it work.  All it takes is one crazy jilted person to ruin it for everyone.  In my world, my dad and his AP are still together, 25 years later.  They seem miserable, but then again dad is kind of a miserable guy (his AP is a raging bitch too).  My mom has never gotten over the bitch who ruined her marriage.

Here's the thing - I am 40s, married with kids.  My marriage is like all others, sometimes good, sometimes tough.  I get it.  I get marriages fail.  I get that people, even good people cheat.  My dad is neither good or bad for fucking around.   He is human, I love him regardless.

But (there is always a but), the massive drama between him, his AP (still girlfriend, they never married) and my mom is so damn toxic I don't speak to any of them except when I have to.  And truthfully, its more because my mom is crazy and never got over it, but AP is also a raging bitch about it (did I mention she is a raging bitch).

The moral of the story - once you have kids, there is no such thing as a clean no-fault divorce.  Even if you do everything right, your ex can ruin it for you.  Even if your kids think your ex is the problem, they are still likely to walk away from all of you than to take sides.

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