When dying feels easier than leaving

[Anonymous]

As I'm reading over some of the replies back to you, I see a vote in favor of restoration, therapy and life!!! Yes! LIFE!!! The best gift anyone can receive, and the best gift anyone can give away. I have always believed that the person we become results from three things: how we are born (personality, strengths, talents, skills, tendencies, etc.), the impact of our environment (how people influence and shape our thinking patterns, self worth, and purpose), and the choices we make. You may have become a victim but that does not mean you have to stay one. You do have options that can take you out of this state of mind. The first step is believing it can happen to you personally. All you see right now are the negative affects from things gone wrong. Things you don't have any control over. But there is a way out dear friend, and it begins with believing your future can be better than your past.

You did the right thing by putting yourself in a vulnerable position to let others see your hurt and offer their guidance. That is wonderful, to be surrounded by so may that also believe you have options. If it's any consolation to you, I too was at a crossroads at one point in my life, and felt so low and hopeless. But I knew there were lifeines out there - I just needed to latch onto one. And I did. I learned that since I can't change the circumstances, or change the people who hurt me the most, I can change myself and the person I choose to become. I wanted to change from the inside-out so I could maintain a healthy distance from the root cause of my pain.

There is a group of people I have become aware of that have dedicated their lives to reach out to people in much of the same situation you are in. Before you do anything else, give yourself a chance to be open to what they have to say. Give ourself time to think through your options. Here is that link; http://bit.ly/2bOJ3E1

Please consider this also; God is the author of life and He created you because he loves you and has a plan for your life. Just because we get lost on our journey or take unexpected detours, that doesn't stop God from being able to reach us right where we are. God is so much bigger than all our earthly problems all piled together. He is the God of the universe and cares about you more than your mind can comprehend. Please contact me again if you would like to talk more. I am here for you and want you to know I will be praying for you as yu make some new decisions for your future. Sending you a big huge hug dear friend.

[Anonymous]

Check in, OP, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because he's my daughters father and it would keep our family together. And I wouldn't have to be away from her 50% of the time

If you are dead she will be with him 100% of the time. And you 0%. Even worse, someone else would be with her 100% of the time, and neither you nor her father would be with her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's been a rough few days.
I can't say I feel all that much better, but a little better. My big problems are all still there. I'm at a breaking point because we are moving and work is peak stress right now. Those things are temporary (sort of- work stress peaks monthly or slightly more often, and rarely relents significantly). Thing is, yes these factors drove me to post my OP, they are driving the suicidal ideation. But I've fought this for so long. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of feeling sick and depressed, I'm tired of my partner putting me down (even though he sometimes will turn around and offer the pat-response support you're supposed to want here- "we need to get you better" "I know you're trying" (bullshit- he spends a lot of the time telling me how slow I am or whatever my latest mistake or misstep may be).

I know I can't leave my daughter behind. I love her more than anything in this world, nothing truer than that. I could never say this out loud, it's hard to even type and admit here -- but I sometimes I also do feel slightly resentful that I HAVE to live for her. I should have left him a long time ago, or I should have done myself in a long time ago (or been successful in my shitty attempts). Resentment isn't the main thing I feel at all, not even close. It's obscured by the acute depression. I'm just sad. I can't imagine sharing custody 50%, and he will demand 50%. I feel very out of control.

Thank you all for letting me vent and offering support. I don't talk about my depression a lot in real life, and the doctor appointments are a bitch to get, so having this outlet with some feedback does help. Thank you for that. And sorry for any typos, I'm on my phone. First 10 minutes to sit down and have to myself in days.

[Anonymous]

You are taking the very first steps to getting help. You should feel good about that honey. At least now you are on the right path to anticipating some changes that can occur when you continue to step out in faith and connect yourself to all the right people. Help is out there, so please don't be shy or intimidated to call someone. Intervention will save you. You can't fight this battle on your own. It is too big. You'll want to feel some sense of accomplishment and this will happen when you reach out for help. People who are equipped to help you won't turn you away. There are people other than doctors you can talk to; smart people, loving people, wise people. They are there for you when all seems hopeless. They can get you back on track. Don't give up. You want to make all the right decisions, and I believe you can. Please continue to take these steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are taking the very first steps to getting help. You should feel good about that honey. At least now you are on the right path to anticipating some changes that can occur when you continue to step out in faith and connect yourself to all the right people. Help is out there, so please don't be shy or intimidated to call someone. Intervention will save you. You can't fight this battle on your own. It is too big. You'll want to feel some sense of accomplishment and this will happen when you reach out for help. People who are equipped to help you won't turn you away. There are people other than doctors you can talk to; smart people, loving people, wise people. They are there for you when all seems hopeless. They can get you back on track. Don't give up. You want to make all the right decisions, and I believe you can. Please continue to take these steps.

Who are these people? Helpline people? Therapists? My friends are busy with their own lives. I would never saddle them with how depressed I really am deep down.

[Anonymous]

You really need more help from a therapist. Depression this severe is a medical emergency!

I felt suicidal while getting a divorce from my ex who abused me emotionally. Which it sounds like your SO might be doing. But let me tell you, once I finally ended it and got away from him, my life did a complete 180. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years. Being alone was so much better than having my soul and spirit crushed constantly.

Please see a good counselor asap. I had a lot of luck with LCSWs. They were very practical.

[Anonymous]

To the OP - these people I speak of are hotline workers who can assisit you. Here is a website that will help you find someone:
http://bit.ly/2bOJ3E1

A few more numbers to call;
Crossroads 719-395-4673
Lighthouse 877-562-2565
Meier Clinices 888-725-4642

[Anonymous]

OP, your partner sounds emotionally abusive. You need a therapist and a lawyer.

I know that sharing custody of a child is hard (I do it), but it's not the end of the world, and once you leave the emotional abuse it won't feel as daunting.

Is there anyway you can take your daughter and go visit your family for a few weeks or a month to get your feet under you again?

[Anonymous]

OP, get help and why not a trial separation. You might find that being out of a toxic relationship is freeing. Being with a happy mom 50% of the time is better than being with miserable, fighting parents 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

OP there is no doubt, nothing can be worse for your daughter than you ending it.your depression is distorting your thoughts. Logically how can sharing her 50% be too hard compared to 0% of your time with her? Sharing custody may actually be a blessing for you. It may give you the time to be a good mother and the time to take care of yourself, rest and heal. It may be good for you not to be with her all the time. I am saying that as a loving not depressed mother who finds joy and relaxation in her long international travels away from home...

Stay alive Op, and take care of yourself, big hugs

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate to this, as I have been in a similar place ; in my case I was forced into a nasty divorce 10 years ago which has in many ways ruined my life and all but destroyed my bond with my kids. Often it seems death would be better, at least they can mourn and move on rather than the endless pain. But it doesn't mean you truly want to die, you just feel you have no more strength or will to go on.

I think in some ways you might be underestimating your kid's ability to adjust and survive. You might be putting too much weight of responsibility on yourself. It's not on you to keep the family together if your partner isnt doing his bit. As bad as your fiance is, if he doesn't abuse your child, it's ok to let go even if he gets 50% custody. You can still cherish and enjoy your time with the child. Many people's most wonderful childhood memories are summers at grandma or times with a beloved relative they saw only a few tines a year. You can create this too. My kids have only spent a total of 10% of their life with me but I do all I can to stuff in the love and happy times. They are thriving even as they live with my ex who gas been cruel and hateful to me. That's ultimately all that matters.

Also think of your own life. The 50% alone time can be rest and opportunity to pursue your own interests. Never discount your own self, and your kid will be gappy to see you enjoying and building up your individual life.

Best wishes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have a history of depression, have been through therapy, am on anti-depressants. But my relationship is super shitty about, oh, 50-70% of the time, let's say. We have a daughter, so leaving is fraught, as is the fact that we aren't married yet. We have an October date. I just feel so low. What's worse for my kid, a broken home and a lifetime of split parents and only seeing her half the time, or a mom who died that she won't remember? She's only 2. I love her more than anything, but I really hate myself. For getting here, for doing this to her, for sinking so low. I don't know what to do.

I really couldn't relate to depression at all until I was in your shoes when my DD was in uterine and a baby. I felt like I was stuck with shitty choices to make and was going to ruin her life. Marrying my ex was the most depressing thought because I left him only to find out I was pregnant and came back because I thought it was the right thing to do. I spent a lot of days on maternity leave crying while holding our child and feeling like I failed her. I was being pressured into marriage by family and I'm so glad I didn't cave. I left when she was 7 months and I won't lie...the following year was pretty terrible. Hitting rock bottom was the best thing to ever happen to me at that time. After having my name and character were dragged through the mud, I stopped living for approval. And I started taking chances that I never would have with him. The past few years have been pretty incredible. We truly live a life many people dream about.

Please see your doctor and try a different medication and try and find something to look forward to each day. I fortunately met a girlfriend at this time who was going through something similar (abandoned by husband with 2 kids under 2) and she worked out every morning and was incredible shape. She inspired me to get in shape. Once I snapped back, I felt a ton better. I will pray for you. Depression makes it really tough to see things clearly when you're in the thick of it.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Please excuse typos. I'm typing from my phone.

[Anonymous]

OP call your M.D. ASAP and either have him change your meds entirely or increase dosage or use an add-on antidepressant because the current regimen is failing you if you feel so bad.

And do not marry this guy next month.
You need to get a clear head before making such life decisions.

Warm hugs to you!