When dying feels easier than leaving

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have a history of depression, have been through therapy, am on anti-depressants. But my relationship is super shitty about, oh, 50-70% of the time, let's say. We have a daughter, so leaving is fraught, as is the fact that we aren't married yet. We have an October date. I just feel so low. What's worse for my kid, a broken home and a lifetime of split parents and only seeing her half the time, or a mom who died that she won't remember? She's only 2. I love her more than anything, but I really hate myself. For getting here, for doing this to her, for sinking so low. I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Obviously your anti depressant isn't working. Why on earth are you marrying someone with whom you have a shitty relationship?

Your daughter is better off with you alive. 100%.

[Anonymous]

Because he's my daughters father and it would keep our family together. And I wouldn't have to be away from her 50% of the time

[Anonymous]

Please get some help. Your family and daughter wants you here. Trust me I have divorced parents and a parent dying is much worse than dealing with two households.

[Anonymous]

Are you in therapy? Couples and on your own? It is so hard to know when you're that depressed whether the relationship is shitty or whether you are so depressed that everything is shitty.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as someone who lost her mom young, the death of your mother is a mindfuck you never get over. Bad enough when it happens through illness or accident, but choosing to die and leave your daughter motherless will plague her forever. Don't do it. I beg you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have a history of depression, have been through therapy, am on anti-depressants. But my relationship is super shitty about, oh, 50-70% of the time, let's say. We have a daughter, so leaving is fraught, as is the fact that we aren't married yet. We have an October date. I just feel so low. What's worse for my kid, a broken home and a lifetime of split parents and only seeing her half the time, or a mom who died that she won't remember? She's only 2. I love her more than anything, but I really hate myself. For getting here, for doing this to her, for sinking so low. I don't know what to do.

Stay alive.
Remaining on this planet for her is, above all, the biggest thing you owe to your daughter.
Your depressive symptoms have returned...you know this...your thinking is distorted right now... call your doctor tomorrow and get yourself in to see a therapist stat.

[Anonymous]

Please show this thread to your psychiatrist. Whatever you're taking is not working.

[Anonymous]

You don't want to die. Your daughter needs a mom. She needs a dad too, but you two do not have to be married to be effective coparents (and she may be better off having mom and dad as unmarried but respectful coparents).

I would go see your doctor. I would also postpone your wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have a history of depression, have been through therapy, am on anti-depressants. But my relationship is super shitty about, oh, 50-70% of the time, let's say. We have a daughter, so leaving is fraught, as is the fact that we aren't married yet. We have an October date. I just feel so low. What's worse for my kid, a broken home and a lifetime of split parents and only seeing her half the time, or a mom who died that she won't remember? She's only 2. I love her more than anything, but I really hate myself. For getting here, for doing this to her, for sinking so low. I don't know what to do.

Stay alive.
Remaining on this planet for her is, above all, the biggest thing you owe to your daughter.
Your depressive symptoms have returned...you know this...your thinking is distorted right now... call your doctor tomorrow and get yourself in to see a therapist stat.

This. Do not create this burden for her to carry forever. Please get help.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

Call 1-800-273-8255

[Anonymous]

50% time is better for your daughter than 0 time with you. Leave.

You didn't say why your relationship is terrible, but if it's abusive the depression won't get better until the abuser is gone from (most of) your life.

Don't give up, call a therapist. Also the hotlines below if you can't.

Suicide hotline: [phone]

Domestic violence hotline: http://www.thehotline.org 800-799-7233

Please call and talk to someone. The people on the other end of these hotlines care, and are there to listen and help.

[Anonymous]

Please get help. I suffered from depression too. It was a terrible experience. I have a daughter too and she is absolutely the best thing in my life and when I feel down, I look to her for strength. Don't leave your child.

[Anonymous]

OP, please call that suicide prevention number. Your daughter needs her mama. And you deserve to be healthy for your own sake. Don't worry about your relationship right now. Just get help for yourself. Many hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP, depression doesn't just affect the way you feel, it affects the way you think. The ONLY reason that your death seems like a good possible outcome for your daughter (and you) is because you are not thinking clearly. There are lots of ways to make your life better. It will get better, I am sure of that.

Please don't wait. Call one of the numbers PP have given you here. That is the choice that makes sense. You will feel better, and you will be OK. Just hang on a little longer and get more help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as someone who lost her mom young, the death of your mother is a mindfuck you never get over. Bad enough when it happens through illness or accident, but choosing to die and leave your daughter motherless will plague her forever. Don't do it. I beg you.

+1 She will never get over it. I'm so sorry you are in such pain, OP. Your DD is much better off with you.