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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. It's been a rough few days.
I can't say I feel all that much better, but a little better. My big problems are all still there. I'm at a breaking point because we are moving and work is peak stress right now. Those things are temporary (sort of- work stress peaks monthly or slightly more often, and rarely relents significantly). Thing is, yes these factors drove me to post my OP, they are driving the suicidal ideation. But I've fought this for so long. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of feeling sick and depressed, I'm tired of my partner putting me down (even though he sometimes will turn around and offer the pat-response support you're supposed to want here- "we need to get you better" "I know you're trying" (bullshit- he spends a lot of the time telling me how slow I am or whatever my latest mistake or misstep may be).

I know I can't leave my daughter behind. I love her more than anything in this world, nothing truer than that. I could never say this out loud, it's hard to even type and admit here -- but I sometimes I also do feel slightly resentful that I HAVE to live for her. I should have left him a long time ago, or I should have done myself in a long time ago (or been successful in my shitty attempts). Resentment isn't the main thing I feel at all, not even close. It's obscured by the acute depression. I'm just sad. I can't imagine sharing custody 50%, and he will demand 50%. I feel very out of control.

Thank you all for letting me vent and offering support. I don't talk about my depression a lot in real life, and the doctor appointments are a bitch to get, so having this outlet with some feedback does help. Thank you for that. And sorry for any typos, I'm on my phone. First 10 minutes to sit down and have to myself in days.[/quote]

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