What would your relationship with your MIL be like if she treated you as an equal and an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine isn't from another country, but I'm not a full fledged equal adult because I'm 20+ years younger than she is. That automatically means I'm not as capable as she is, at almost anything.

Awwwww - so cute when the MILs chime in!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could actually speak my mind and say No 80% of the time, instead of saying yes 99% to be respectful. She is domineering, does not take no for an answer, her outdated and often ignorant and undereducated and closeminded ways are right in all matters. It drives me nuts.

Oh man, I also could have totally written this. My husband and I have been married 10 years now, and I've always been completely respectful, but I worry that one day I'm totally going to snap. For instance, last week, we took the kids there to see her and DH and I left and had lunch. And after we picked them up and as we were leaving, she said, "I don't see the kids enough, I need to come see them at your house." And then I think she realized how ridiculous she sounded telling us this right after she visited with the grandkids, so to correct herself, she said "that way, at your house, I can also see your dog." I had to bite my tongue. The real truth, as deciphered through my astute daughter-in-law filter, is that she probably wasn't happy that we dropped them off for a visit. She wanted us (I.e. Her son) to stay so that she could see HER baby - my husband. She knows that at our house, we can't leave and have lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could actually speak my mind and say No 80% of the time, instead of saying yes 99% to be respectful. She is domineering, does not take no for an answer, her outdated and often ignorant and undereducated and closeminded ways are right in all matters. It drives me nuts.

Oh man, I also could have totally written this. My husband and I have been married 10 years now, and I've always been completely respectful, but I worry that one day I'm totally going to snap. For instance, last week, we took the kids there to see her and DH and I left and had lunch. And after we picked them up and as we were leaving, she said, "I don't see the kids enough, I need to come see them at your house." And then I think she realized how ridiculous she sounded telling us this right after she visited with the grandkids, so to correct herself, she said "that way, at your house, I can also see your dog." I had to bite my tongue. The real truth, as deciphered through my astute daughter-in-law filter, is that she probably wasn't happy that we dropped them off for a visit. She wanted us (I.e. Her son) to stay so that she could see HER baby - my husband. She knows that at our house, we can't leave and have lunch.

Or, seen from the other perspective, you used her for free babysitting and she didn't spend any time with the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could actually speak my mind and say No 80% of the time, instead of saying yes 99% to be respectful. She is domineering, does not take no for an answer, her outdated and often ignorant and undereducated and closeminded ways are right in all matters. It drives me nuts.

Oh man, I also could have totally written this. My husband and I have been married 10 years now, and I've always been completely respectful, but I worry that one day I'm totally going to snap. For instance, last week, we took the kids there to see her and DH and I left and had lunch. And after we picked them up and as we were leaving, she said, "I don't see the kids enough, I need to come see them at your house." And then I think she realized how ridiculous she sounded telling us this right after she visited with the grandkids, so to correct herself, she said "that way, at your house, I can also see your dog." I had to bite my tongue. The real truth, as deciphered through my astute daughter-in-law filter, is that she probably wasn't happy that we dropped them off for a visit. She wanted us (I.e. Her son) to stay so that she could see HER baby - my husband. She knows that at our house, we can't leave and have lunch.

Or, seen from the other perspective, you used her for free babysitting and she didn't spend any time with the two of you.

Nope, we just had her over for dinner two days before that to celebrate 'back to school' based on her request for a back to school gathering. And before that, we went over there to help her with her computer. And we probably had her over for dinner three other times this summer, in addition to the various times we saw her at her house. But nice work trying to shame me as a DIL. There are clearly bitter MIL's trolling these threads.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Also, for the record, we pay actual babysitters when we go out. Are you going to shame me for that also?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could actually speak my mind and say No 80% of the time, instead of saying yes 99% to be respectful. She is domineering, does not take no for an answer, her outdated and often ignorant and undereducated and closeminded ways are right in all matters. It drives me nuts.

Oh man, I also could have totally written this. My husband and I have been married 10 years now, and I've always been completely respectful, but I worry that one day I'm totally going to snap. For instance, last week, we took the kids there to see her and DH and I left and had lunch. And after we picked them up and as we were leaving, she said, "I don't see the kids enough, I need to come see them at your house." And then I think she realized how ridiculous she sounded telling us this right after she visited with the grandkids, so to correct herself, she said "that way, at your house, I can also see your dog." I had to bite my tongue. The real truth, as deciphered through my astute daughter-in-law filter, is that she probably wasn't happy that we dropped them off for a visit. She wanted us (I.e. Her son) to stay so that she could see HER baby - my husband. She knows that at our house, we can't leave and have lunch.

You used her for free babysitting and begrudge her desire to spend time with her child? Do you understand how ridiculous you sound? What is so horrible about a mother wanting to spend time with her adult child?

[Anonymous]

We took the kids over there on her request to visit with them. You psycho DCUM's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is so horrible about a mother wanting to spend time with her adult child?

. There are clearly angry MILs on here lashing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is so horrible about a mother wanting to spend time with her adult child?

. There are clearly angry MILs on here lashing out.

+1

Reminds me of the lone Trump supporter over on the Politics board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other half of this is, what would your relationship with your MIL be like if you treated her like an equal adult, for example, didn't respond to what might be a random comment with the feelings of a child who's being criticized by a parent.

Also, if you allowed her her own subjectivity - took no more offense at her comments than you would if she were a same-age friend.

NP here. In that case, if someone were a same-age friend who made upsetting comments to me, I probably wouldn't spend any time with them.

Not like she can just cut her MIL out of her life. Most of us tolerate unbelievable behavior from relatives because we're up against a wall. At times, the people we need to avoid are the ones we are stuck with seeing ALL, THE, TIME.

Why not? After 10 years of trying to make things work with MIL I realized she's not going to change so I have disengaged. DH and kids can go see her when they want, but she's not welcome in our home anymore and I have no desire to see her.

Easier said that done for a lot of people. My father stopped talking to his own parents years ago but it took more than 15 years to do it. Extracting toxic relatives is like removing a malignant tumor, followed by chemo and radiation. Takes time and lots of pain to rid yourself of the disease eating away at you.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to not have any MIL drama! It's not all bad, in general a lot of the time is fine. I contribute to this for sure. Mainly because I resent how much she sees my own family as competition. No one in my family is a score keeper, and she is one, BIG TIME. It only engenders unkind feelings towards her. It feels so petty and small. I hope to be more loving, open and kind when I'm a MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to not have any MIL drama! It's not all bad, in general a lot of the time is fine. I contribute to this for sure. Mainly because I resent how much she sees my own family as competition. No one in my family is a score keeper, and she is one, BIG TIME. It only engenders unkind feelings towards her. It feels so petty and small. I hope to be more loving, open and kind when I'm a MIL.

The scorekeeping and comparisons of who sees the grandkids more is so annoying. It comes from a place of insecurity. They wish they were young again and they can't help but hating the younger DILs. The relationship becomes toxic. How do you deal with the toxicity when, as others said, you're up against a wall and have to spend time with them?

[Anonymous]

I'm convinced that the worst MILs are the ones who have very little going on in their lives outside of their children. That's when they try to assume the role of mom again. My MIL is widowed, retired, has only a couple friends in the area, doesn't belong to a church or gym or anything social, and has no other family nearby except for us. We are her everything, and the amount of pressure it puts on our family and on our weekends is too much. I try to be respectful and we usually oblige, but it's clearly never enough for her, and as she gets older, she is getting bolder about sharing her opinion or making us feel guilty.

I always tell my husband that when our kids are grown, I hope that I have enough in my life to keep me busy - work, friends, travel, etc. I hope I don't rely on my children for my only entertainment or fulfillment. My own mom is completely independent, and I see myself being like her. She's never upset at me for not giving her enough attention. When we do see each other or talk on the phone, it's always quality.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has always treated me with respect. I treat her the same. She's funny, laid back, and probably one of the most genuinely caring people I've ever met. I'm a lucky DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other half of this is, what would your relationship with your MIL be like if you treated her like an equal adult, for example, didn't respond to what might be a random comment with the feelings of a child who's being criticized by a parent.

Also, if you allowed her her own subjectivity - took no more offense at her comments than you would if she were a same-age friend.

NP here. In that case, if someone were a same-age friend who made upsetting comments to me, I probably wouldn't spend any time with them.

Not like she can just cut her MIL out of her life. Most of us tolerate unbelievable behavior from relatives because we're up against a wall. At times, the people we need to avoid are the ones we are stuck with seeing ALL, THE, TIME.

Why not? After 10 years of trying to make things work with MIL I realized she's not going to change so I have disengaged. DH and kids can go see her when they want, but she's not welcome in our home anymore and I have no desire to see her.

Yes, amen to that! NP here also married for 10 years and still venting about 10 day trip with ILs. I will never do that again. Imagine going to Paris (not where we went but close) and only going to the Louvre for 15 minutes since it's "too much walking". And this was a vacation location THEY chose. We could not leave our hotel before noon because according to my FIL, if we left earlier in day, we'd be tired by 4pm! And if we suggested taking separate trandportation then there would be an uproar as to the waste of money. But then you ask them for a ride and its grumpy faces. I would not go on vacation with friends who acted like children.