What would your relationship with your MIL be like if she treated you as an equal and an adult?

[Anonymous]

There are a number of cultures where it isn't considered acceptable. My MIL's culture is strongly hierarchical, and a traditional MIL expects her DIL to obey her, do everything her way, and wait on her hand and foot. It's a sick cycle of abusive payback, when taken to extremes.

My MIL gripes about me all the time. "A DIL from my country would never blah blah blah. . . ."

All of her kids married Americans, and she's gradually driven us all away--her kids, their spouses, and the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I also have a foreign MIL and that makes the relationship much more complicated. It comes with the very significant benefit of being separated by an ocean and a long flight, and having to see her once a year or less. I used to think I was exaggerating when I said she was crazy. Then she was committed to a mental hospital. So... I think our relationship is as good as its going to get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other half of this is, what would your relationship with your MIL be like if you treated her like an equal adult, for example, didn't respond to what might be a random comment with the feelings of a child who's being criticized by a parent.

Also, if you allowed her her own subjectivity - took no more offense at her comments than you would if she were a same-age friend.

NP here. In that case, if someone were a same-age friend who made upsetting comments to me, I probably wouldn't spend any time with them.

Not like she can just cut her MIL out of her life. Most of us tolerate unbelievable behavior from relatives because we're up against a wall. At times, the people we need to avoid are the ones we are stuck with seeing ALL, THE, TIME.

[Anonymous]

Any woman who is engaging in MIL-DIL drama is immature and not an adult in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any woman who is engaging in MIL-DIL drama is immature and not an adult in my opinion.

I love people like this who, because they aren't going through the same thing, become unsympathetic bi#ches with a chip on their shoulder who think less of everyone around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any woman who is engaging in MIL-DIL drama is immature and not an adult in my opinion.

Any woman who makes snide comments is immature and not an adult.

[Anonymous]

I think you are onto something, OP. The relationship would be even better if they didn't communicate with my DH and kids and instead communicated with me directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other half of this is, what would your relationship with your MIL be like if you treated her like an equal adult, for example, didn't respond to what might be a random comment with the feelings of a child who's being criticized by a parent.

Also, if you allowed her her own subjectivity - took no more offense at her comments than you would if she were a same-age friend.

NP here. In that case, if someone were a same-age friend who made upsetting comments to me, I probably wouldn't spend any time with them.

Not like she can just cut her MIL out of her life. Most of us tolerate unbelievable behavior from relatives because we're up against a wall. At times, the people we need to avoid are the ones we are stuck with seeing ALL, THE, TIME.

Why not? After 10 years of trying to make things work with MIL I realized she's not going to change so I have disengaged. DH and kids can go see her when they want, but she's not welcome in our home anymore and I have no desire to see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mil treats us both like adults.
She is just not very talkative and is hard to get to know. And I don't have the energy to kickstart every call or conversation, so I match their, "ppl of few words MO."

Same here. MIL is very respectful of DH and I and defers to us to make decisions based on what we think is best, no interference. She's nice and I like her but we aren't super close as she's pretty introverted and can't travel anymore so we don't see her much at all.

My mother is the MIL that needs lots of managing and boundaries. I try to make everything as easy for DH as possible by doing all "Mom Management" when it comes to my mother but he's a really good sport for those times he needs to roll with her behavior. She'd see a lot more of us and have a lot more access to our family if she'd pump her brakes every once in awhile and treat us like adults.

[Anonymous]

My MIL treats me like an equal and an adult. I call her by her first name. I ask her for advice about things that in her wheelhouse. She does the same thing to me. She's a really nice person, so even though she does things that drive me nuts, we get along fine. The things she does that bug me are the kind of things that would bug me if anyone did them (constantly running late, unable to commit to plans, etc.)

[Anonymous]

My mom treats us as the adults we are, and we all have such a great relationship with her. My husband always talks about how spoiled he is to have her as a MIL. She basically loves to drink wine, travel, she has her own life, she isn't counting days between visits, doesn't care about our finances or other household information, etc.

My MIL, however, treats us like children, and wants it to treat her as some sort of matriarch over our family. Our relationship with her is marked by guilt and expectations and an overload of "family reunions", birthday parties (for each of her adult children and even adult grandchildren with cake and all), and gatherings for every other random occasion or 'day off school' - basically, treating us like children. It's never enough. And if we go a couple weeks without seeing her, she shames us, as if we didn't perform our children duties. She is awful. Fortunately, she has completely pushed my husband away through her grubby behavior, and he's the one who shames her now.

[Anonymous]

Mine isn't from another country, but I'm not a full fledged equal adult because I'm 20+ years younger than she is. That automatically means I'm not as capable as she is, at almost anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom treats us as the adults we are, and we all have such a great relationship with her. My husband always talks about how spoiled he is to have her as a MIL. She basically loves to drink wine, travel, she has her own life, she isn't counting days between visits, doesn't care about our finances or other household information, etc.

My MIL, however, treats us like children, and wants it to treat her as some sort of matriarch over our family. Our relationship with her is marked by guilt and expectations and an overload of "family reunions", birthday parties (for each of her adult children and even adult grandchildren with cake and all), and gatherings for every other random occasion or 'day off school' - basically, treating us like children. It's never enough. And if we go a couple weeks without seeing her, she shames us, as if we didn't perform our children duties. She is awful. Fortunately, she has completely pushed my husband away through her grubby behavior, and he's the one who shames her now.

12:53 here. This describes my MIL too. Sometimes everything isn't enough either. We don't bother playing her game anymore.

[Anonymous]

I could actually speak my mind and say No 80% of the time, instead of saying yes 99% to be respectful. She is domineering, does not take no for an answer, her outdated and often ignorant and undereducated and closeminded ways are right in all matters. It drives me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could actually speak my mind and say No 80% of the time, instead of saying yes 99% to be respectful. She is domineering, does not take no for an answer, her outdated and often ignorant and undereducated and closeminded ways are right in all matters. It drives me nuts.

Another post that describes my MIL!

Sometimes the things she says make me wonder how the hell she's survived as long as she has.