What would your relationship with your MIL be like if she treated you as an equal and an adult?

[Anonymous]

I have this theory that the MIL/DIL relationship is difficult for many people when the MIL tries to assume a position of power/dominance/authority in the family. Before I married my DH, my relationship with my MIL was so easy. Greeting cards were signed with her first name, she didn't insist I call her mom (I still don't), she didn't dispense endless amounts of unsolicited advice, she didn't insert her opinions into how DH and I parent. I suspect that if DH were still just dating, my relationship with her would not be so difficult.

I'm curious, if there was no power imbalance in your relationship with your MIL and your dynamic with her was similar to what you might have with a trusted friend or colleague, what would be different?

[Anonymous]

The other half of this is, what would your relationship with your MIL be like if you treated her like an equal adult, for example, didn't respond to what might be a random comment with the feelings of a child who's being criticized by a parent.

Also, if you allowed her her own subjectivity - took no more offense at her comments than you would if she were a same-age friend.

[Anonymous]

How the heck does your mother-in-law have any power or dominance over you???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How the heck does your mother-in-law have any power or dominance over you???

(Not OP) Obviously she doesn't! It sounds like she's saying the relationship deteriorated after the marriage when MIL TRIED to exert dominance over the DIL.

[Anonymous]

I married my husband after he had been divorced for many years. My MIL had her head filled with horror stories from her friends about their relationships with their DILs. So my MIL worked for years and years to manipulate every situation to her advantage. And she did a really good job. There were many years where we did not spend any time with my family for holidays. It backfired on her in the end though. I got totally fed up and blew my stack at her over a holiday table. Ever since then, I make plans to for us to see her for holiday celebrations only. It is up to my husband to plan to see her any other time and he isn't a planner so her short sightedness really bit her in the ass. And after many years of marriage, she still is exactly the same. For Mothers Day, my husband took she and our daughter out for breakfast. She had presents to open because I had shopped for and wrapped them. They had a lovely morning. I took our daughter for a late lunch with my parents. My MIL found out that I dared to spend time with my own mother on Mothers Day and brought my daughter along and my MIL was pissed.

If she honored our attempts to spend time with my family and her, she would be in a much better position because I would plan for us to spend time with her instead of leaving it up to my husband who plans nothing. If she respected the fact that I have a mother and a father and siblings that I love and want to spend time with instead of using every bit of strength she has to exclude my family or preclude us from spending time with them, she would get a lot more from me.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had a normal relationship like I once had with my MIL. Now I am the equivalent to her parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other half of this is, what would your relationship with your MIL be like if you treated her like an equal adult, for example, didn't respond to what might be a random comment with the feelings of a child who's being criticized by a parent.

Also, if you allowed her her own subjectivity - took no more offense at her comments than you would if she were a same-age friend.

Are you reading things on here and thinking that you would tolerate them from a same aged friend? I am reading posts on this page, and I disagree. The only reason people put up with this at all is because she is "old" and family. If a friend of mine insisted that DH and I go to visit her every week, and asked DH to keep coming over and fix stuff between visits, we would not be friends anymore. I also think it would be awkward if a friend or acquaintance came over to my home and gave gifts to everyone but me, including my husband, in front of me. I would even be a little annoyed if a good friend wouldn't watch my kids for a couple of hours so that I could visit my husband in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

I think the woman I consider to be my MIL and I get along so well is because neither of us strived to be # 1 or see each other as competition. We each respect the role we have in the man we love ( albeit very differently) life.
We have a mutual respect for each other as people and of our individual boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married my husband after he had been divorced for many years. My MIL had her head filled with horror stories from her friends about their relationships with their DILs. So my MIL worked for years and years to manipulate every situation to her advantage. And she did a really good job. There were many years where we did not spend any time with my family for holidays. It backfired on her in the end though. I got totally fed up and blew my stack at her over a holiday table. Ever since then, I make plans to for us to see her for holiday celebrations only. It is up to my husband to plan to see her any other time and he isn't a planner so her short sightedness really bit her in the ass. And after many years of marriage, she still is exactly the same. For Mothers Day, my husband took she and our daughter out for breakfast. She had presents to open because I had shopped for and wrapped them. They had a lovely morning. I took our daughter for a late lunch with my parents. My MIL found out that I dared to spend time with my own mother on Mothers Day and brought my daughter along and my MIL was pissed.

If she honored our attempts to spend time with my family and her, she would be in a much better position because I would plan for us to spend time with her instead of leaving it up to my husband who plans nothing. If she respected the fact that I have a mother and a father and siblings that I love and want to spend time with instead of using every bit of strength she has to exclude my family or preclude us from spending time with them, she would get a lot more from me.

You tell this story in every MIL thread. Are you also the poster who constantly tells the story about not allowing MIL in the hospital room for the birth because "I have a list of people who are allowed to see my vagina, and you aren't on the list"?

[Anonymous]

To say nothing to each other that you wouldn't say to a friend. That is the goal. Have they asked for your opinion? If not, don't give it. Also no put-downs re preferences.

The difference however is confiding. DIL & MIL should not be confiding as friends often do.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is mildly annoying and does sometime try to insist on her way, but the reason that it's okay is that my husband is clear that my opinion matters more to him than hers. When she says jump - he does not say how high. He says, let me check with my wife. Over many years she's gotten used to this.

[Anonymous]

I am the poster with mom issues, and I honestly have to admit that my MIL, who passed away treated me with great care and respect. She was also kind and thoughtful woman, always caring for everybody. She liked to know gossip and such, but didn't spread it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married my husband after he had been divorced for many years. My MIL had her head filled with horror stories from her friends about their relationships with their DILs. So my MIL worked for years and years to manipulate every situation to her advantage. And she did a really good job. There were many years where we did not spend any time with my family for holidays. It backfired on her in the end though. I got totally fed up and blew my stack at her over a holiday table. Ever since then, I make plans to for us to see her for holiday celebrations only. It is up to my husband to plan to see her any other time and he isn't a planner so her short sightedness really bit her in the ass. And after many years of marriage, she still is exactly the same. For Mothers Day, my husband took she and our daughter out for breakfast. She had presents to open because I had shopped for and wrapped them. They had a lovely morning. I took our daughter for a late lunch with my parents. My MIL found out that I dared to spend time with my own mother on Mothers Day and brought my daughter along and my MIL was pissed.

If she honored our attempts to spend time with my family and her, she would be in a much better position because I would plan for us to spend time with her instead of leaving it up to my husband who plans nothing. If she respected the fact that I have a mother and a father and siblings that I love and want to spend time with instead of using every bit of strength she has to exclude my family or preclude us from spending time with them, she would get a lot more from me.

You tell this story in every MIL thread. Are you also the poster who constantly tells the story about not allowing MIL in the hospital room for the birth because "I have a list of people who are allowed to see my vagina, and you aren't on the list"?

NP here. WTF is your problem? Are you the awful MIL? Wow. First PP can share her story as many times as she wants.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does treat me as an adult. Not exactly as an equal, because she thinks I'm more competent than she is with most matters. She knows she wasn't a good mother to my husband and BIL growing up (she's a child of alcoholics; attachment issues) and looks to me for ways to connect with my husband.

She's not my all-time favorite person (reasons above) but she is extremely respectful and she tries her best.

My mother, on the other hand, is on a 24/7 power trip. Everyone is her subordinate. She's worse than the worst MIL.

Guess who we would rather spend time with?

[Anonymous]

My mil treats us both like adults.
She is just not very talkative and is hard to get to know. And I don't have the energy to kickstart every call or conversation, so I match their, "ppl of few words MO."