Hurting inside

[Anonymous]

Pp here: I would also be VERY concerned about sending a depressed child away to college with the amount of alcohol and drugs that are readily available for anyone who wants them.

[Anonymous]

No advice, OP, just sympathy.

My first cousin and my nephew by marriage both had similar problems. They are also highly gifted, which always made it hard for their parents to persuade them to do anything, since any strategy was instantly evident and rejected. In the end, both sets of parents had no choice but to let their kids take the lead. I know that's not what you want to hear, sorry.

My cousin is now 30 and in a good enough space. She has a distant but affectionate relationship with her parents. Her academic record is stellar and she has several graduate degrees from prestigious universities, but refuses to hold down a job and does not have close friends or a boyfriend. Never formally evaluated for anything except giftedness, but I would suspect depression and anorexia.
My nephew is in his early twenties and dropped out of college even though he had a perfect SAT score. Used to be suicidal, diagnosed Asperger's, and probably undiagnosed ADHD. Again, not being able to toil through mundane things is the issue here. He is estranged from his mother and barely talks to his father, mostly because unlike my cousin's parents, they tried to force his hand with career choices, meds and therapy. He lives off his father's money and doesn't do anything. At least he's not suicidal anymore.

I may have missed it, but did you do a full neuropsychological evaluation? Your daughter might have some learning disorders, ADHD or high-functioning autism that her intelligence has masked up until now, which might be triggering part of her depression, since she can't understand why she isn't performing up to her potential. The no friends part could be due to HFA.

Just throwing some ideas out there.
I grew up with a very restrictive mother who forbade me from going out of the house and socializing, and suffer from anxiety and ADHD. I resented my parents throughout my 20s, and lived abroad with my boyfriend as soon as I could.
Now I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of how my parents started me out in life, and that blaming them is not going to help me.
However it took years for me to get to that point. It would have been so much easier if my parents had been understanding and loving, instead of blaming me for things I could not help, like my ADHD symptoms.

Good luck, OP. It's a hard road, please don't feel any guilt. At least you're trying to help.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a brat. Since when does she choose whether she attends dinner, whether she eats or not. Since when does she dictate whether you have a talk. I would take away her online privileges. I would take everything. I might declare war. She can be sad, sulk, cry, feel depressed, but she needs to know her role. And I would cancel next semester as well and let her know she will need to get a job because you cannot afford to waste your money on a semester she might blow mopeing (sp?) around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here: I would also be VERY concerned about sending a depressed child away to college with the amount of alcohol and drugs that are readily available for anyone who wants them.

yeah - this too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a brat. Since when does she choose whether she attends dinner, whether she eats or not. Since when does she dictate whether you have a talk. I would take away her online privileges. I would take everything. I might declare war. She can be sad, sulk, cry, feel depressed, but she needs to know her role. And I would cancel next semester as well and let her know she will need to get a job because you cannot afford to waste your money on a semester she might blow mopeing (sp?) around.

And I should add it sounds like your daughter is essentially attempting to punish YOU for something you did not even do.

[Anonymous]

You will need to sift through these responses, OP. You are getting "advice" from people who have never been in your situation, but are saying what they "would" do and what you "should" do. If only people would read your initial request, which was to hear from people who have actually parented through this situation. The peanut gallery on DCUM is always interesting, but take that with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will need to sift through these responses, OP. You are getting "advice" from people who have never been in your situation, but are saying what they "would" do and what you "should" do. If only people would read your initial request, which was to hear from people who have actually parented through this situation. The peanut gallery on DCUM is always interesting, but take that with a grain of salt.

OP here. I realize that there are parents here who have gone through what we are experiencing and then there are parents who (I suspect do not have a child with this complicated issue) are treating this as normal behavioral issue. In a anonymous forum I have to use my discretion to judge which one in which and adjust our next steps based on my daughter's temperament. I hope parents would respond after reading my original request and responses. However, I appreciate the discussion - it opens up my mind to how different people dealt with it and would deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP but I really wouldn't send her away to college like this. She won't be able to enjoy it and take advantage of all the opportunities college has to offer when she isn't healthy. She already seems fairly isolated and that could potentially get even worse sending her away from home for the first time. Freshman year is challenging for even healthy kids. I don't think any psychiatrist is going to recommend sending her to college in this state.

Op Here - thank you for your response. Not sending her to college is a major issue. She is totally against the idea and if we force I am afraid she might leave home which would put her at the same risk of drugs and alcohol. In the college, at least there would be dorm-mate, RA and a college Eco-system. Yes, it is expensive and I am scared as hell to let her go in this condition, but I do not think in her case it would help to keep her at home against her will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No advice, OP, just sympathy.

My first cousin and my nephew by marriage both had similar problems. They are also highly gifted, which always made it hard for their parents to persuade them to do anything, since any strategy was instantly evident and rejected. In the end, both sets of parents had no choice but to let their kids take the lead. I know that's not what you want to hear, sorry.

My cousin is now 30 and in a good enough space. She has a distant but affectionate relationship with her parents. Her academic record is stellar and she has several graduate degrees from prestigious universities, but refuses to hold down a job and does not have close friends or a boyfriend. Never formally evaluated for anything except giftedness, but I would suspect depression and anorexia.
My nephew is in his early twenties and dropped out of college even though he had a perfect SAT score. Used to be suicidal, diagnosed Asperger's, and probably undiagnosed ADHD. Again, not being able to toil through mundane things is the issue here. He is estranged from his mother and barely talks to his father, mostly because unlike my cousin's parents, they tried to force his hand with career choices, meds and therapy. He lives off his father's money and doesn't do anything. At least he's not suicidal anymore.

I may have missed it, but did you do a full neuropsychological evaluation? Your daughter might have some learning disorders, ADHD or high-functioning autism that her intelligence has masked up until now, which might be triggering part of her depression, since she can't understand why she isn't performing up to her potential. The no friends part could be due to HFA.

Just throwing some ideas out there.
I grew up with a very restrictive mother who forbade me from going out of the house and socializing, and suffer from anxiety and ADHD. I resented my parents throughout my 20s, and lived abroad with my boyfriend as soon as I could.
Now I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of how my parents started me out in life, and that blaming them is not going to help me.
However it took years for me to get to that point. It would have been so much easier if my parents had been understanding and loving, instead of blaming me for things I could not help, like my ADHD symptoms.

Good luck, OP. It's a hard road, please don't feel any guilt. At least you're trying to help.

Thanks you for providing the examples. We are letting her take the lead since the major sore point for her has been that we have led the path until now and have majorly messed up. Also, she is 18; apart from this issue she is highly capable, smart, funny and empathetic. We expected a lot from her and in the process have affected her psych. Just wish she would scale back a little on work, but still would participate in normal family and teen activities. We hate the fact that she sits in her room the whole time in front of a screen. She went to a extremely tough school and did okay and says she can handle college easily. I trust her on academic ability, but am scared that her executive functions are severely underdeveloped. In addition, we are concerned the way she is aloof from the family. We will need all the good luck and advice to navigate this phase of our life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a brat. Since when does she choose whether she attends dinner, whether she eats or not. Since when does she dictate whether you have a talk. I would take away her online privileges. I would take everything. I might declare war. She can be sad, sulk, cry, feel depressed, but she needs to know her role. And I would cancel next semester as well and let her know she will need to get a job because you cannot afford to waste your money on a semester she might blow mopeing (sp?) around.

OP here. Excuse me if I sound defensive, but she is not a brat. She has extreme reaction at this time due to her condition. She just turned 18 and realized her newly found rights. I believe she is demonstrating her individuality. Yes, we can hold the money so that she cannot go to college, but that will be completely against what we want for her. Declaring war against our own child will not work for us.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of you , OP. No advice, just good wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No advice, OP, just sympathy.

My first cousin and my nephew by marriage both had similar problems. They are also highly gifted, which always made it hard for their parents to persuade them to do anything, since any strategy was instantly evident and rejected. In the end, both sets of parents had no choice but to let their kids take the lead. I know that's not what you want to hear, sorry.

My cousin is now 30 and in a good enough space. She has a distant but affectionate relationship with her parents. Her academic record is stellar and she has several graduate degrees from prestigious universities, but refuses to hold down a job and does not have close friends or a boyfriend. Never formally evaluated for anything except giftedness, but I would suspect depression and anorexia.
My nephew is in his early twenties and dropped out of college even though he had a perfect SAT score. Used to be suicidal, diagnosed Asperger's, and probably undiagnosed ADHD. Again, not being able to toil through mundane things is the issue here. He is estranged from his mother and barely talks to his father, mostly because unlike my cousin's parents, they tried to force his hand with career choices, meds and therapy. He lives off his father's money and doesn't do anything. At least he's not suicidal anymore.

I may have missed it, but did you do a full neuropsychological evaluation? Your daughter might have some learning disorders, ADHD or high-functioning autism that her intelligence has masked up until now, which might be triggering part of her depression, since she can't understand why she isn't performing up to her potential. The no friends part could be due to HFA.

Just throwing some ideas out there.
I grew up with a very restrictive mother who forbade me from going out of the house and socializing, and suffer from anxiety and ADHD. I resented my parents throughout my 20s, and lived abroad with my boyfriend as soon as I could.
Now I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of how my parents started me out in life, and that blaming them is not going to help me.
However it took years for me to get to that point. It would have been so much easier if my parents had been understanding and loving, instead of blaming me for things I could not help, like my ADHD symptoms.

Good luck, OP. It's a hard road, please don't feel any guilt. At least you're trying to help.

Thanks you for providing the examples. We are letting her take the lead since the major sore point for her has been that we have led the path until now and have majorly messed up. Also, she is 18; apart from this issue she is highly capable, smart, funny and empathetic. We expected a lot from her and in the process have affected her psych. Just wish she would scale back a little on work, but still would participate in normal family and teen activities. We hate the fact that she sits in her room the whole time in front of a screen. She went to a extremely tough school and did okay and says she can handle college easily. I trust her on academic ability, but am scared that her executive functions are severely underdeveloped. In addition, we are concerned the way she is aloof from the family. We will need all the good luck and advice to navigate this phase of our life.

Hi Person who had MDD. The thing about depression is that you shut down and no matter how smart you are. You find yourself reclusive and in bed all the time. I would worry that she would be isolate herself. Well I guess she would have a roommate. I feel for the roommate. There is anyway you can work out a plan that if she finds herself in a situation that she has a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP but I really wouldn't send her away to college like this. She won't be able to enjoy it and take advantage of all the opportunities college has to offer when she isn't healthy. She already seems fairly isolated and that could potentially get even worse sending her away from home for the first time. Freshman year is challenging for even healthy kids. I don't think any psychiatrist is going to recommend sending her to college in this state.

Op Here - thank you for your response. Not sending her to college is a major issue. She is totally against the idea and if we force I am afraid she might leave home which would put her at the same risk of drugs and alcohol. In the college, at least there would be dorm-mate, RA and a college Eco-system. Yes, it is expensive and I am scared as hell to let her go in this condition, but I do not think in her case it would help to keep her at home against her will.

PP here.
I understand why its a very daunting idea to keep her home from college. Do you actually think she would leave home or is that an empty threat from her? (Legitimate question, not being snarky.) Are there any community colleges near your home? That would be a very good compromise in my mind. But, of course, you know your daughter best! In addition, while hopefully the roommate and the RA would be nice and helpful people there is no guarantee of that. They will be college students themselves and they cannot be "responsible" for your daughter. I know you're not actually thinking they would be, but they may feel like they are.

The experience I'm speaking from is that when I was in junior year of college one of my roommates ended up having a severe episode of depression and ended up in the local psych ward in our college town. It was so awful for everyone involved and I wouldn't want something like that to happen to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No advice, OP, just sympathy.

My first cousin and my nephew by marriage both had similar problems. They are also highly gifted, which always made it hard for their parents to persuade them to do anything, since any strategy was instantly evident and rejected. In the end, both sets of parents had no choice but to let their kids take the lead. I know that's not what you want to hear, sorry.

My cousin is now 30 and in a good enough space. She has a distant but affectionate relationship with her parents. Her academic record is stellar and she has several graduate degrees from prestigious universities, but refuses to hold down a job and does not have close friends or a boyfriend. Never formally evaluated for anything except giftedness, but I would suspect depression and anorexia.
My nephew is in his early twenties and dropped out of college even though he had a perfect SAT score. Used to be suicidal, diagnosed Asperger's, and probably undiagnosed ADHD. Again, not being able to toil through mundane things is the issue here. He is estranged from his mother and barely talks to his father, mostly because unlike my cousin's parents, they tried to force his hand with career choices, meds and therapy. He lives off his father's money and doesn't do anything. At least he's not suicidal anymore.

I may have missed it, but did you do a full neuropsychological evaluation? Your daughter might have some learning disorders, ADHD or high-functioning autism that her intelligence has masked up until now, which might be triggering part of her depression, since she can't understand why she isn't performing up to her potential. The no friends part could be due to HFA.

Just throwing some ideas out there.
I grew up with a very restrictive mother who forbade me from going out of the house and socializing, and suffer from anxiety and ADHD. I resented my parents throughout my 20s, and lived abroad with my boyfriend as soon as I could.
Now I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of how my parents started me out in life, and that blaming them is not going to help me.
However it took years for me to get to that point. It would have been so much easier if my parents had been understanding and loving, instead of blaming me for things I could not help, like my ADHD symptoms.

Good luck, OP. It's a hard road, please don't feel any guilt. At least you're trying to help.

Thanks you for providing the examples. We are letting her take the lead since the major sore point for her has been that we have led the path until now and have majorly messed up. Also, she is 18; apart from this issue she is highly capable, smart, funny and empathetic. We expected a lot from her and in the process have affected her psych. Just wish she would scale back a little on work, but still would participate in normal family and teen activities. We hate the fact that she sits in her room the whole time in front of a screen. She went to a extremely tough school and did okay and says she can handle college easily. I trust her on academic ability, but am scared that her executive functions are severely underdeveloped. In addition, we are concerned the way she is aloof from the family. We will need all the good luck and advice to navigate this phase of our life.

Do you mind elaborating? How did you mess up?

[Anonymous]

When I was away at school and had a major depressive episode, my roommate (who was a friend) couldn't deal with it and decided to avoid me. She basically moved out to another friend's room without telling me and I ended up even more isolated than if I'd been at home. I don't blame her, since being stuck with a depressed roommate is a nightmare, but it made a horrible situation worse that I suddenly felt even my friends didn't want to be around me.

FWIW, that was senior year of high school and I happened to be at a boarding school so there was more structure in place than there necessarily will be in college. I chose to take a gap year (I get that you don't want to force it) and it was the best thing that I could have done and over the course of that year I was able to get back to myself and get off the medication (which I had also not wanted to be on because of side effects, but finally accepted as necessary because I clearly wasn't getting out of the hole by myself). I still ended up back on medication for part of my freshman and sophomore years of college but I was done with it by junior year and things just got better from there.

I don't have any great advice, other than to let you know that it can be hard and horrible and painful to live through, but I'm here on the other side very glad with how my life has turned out and looking at me now no one has any idea of what I went through as a teen.