Hurting inside

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No appointment, no college - that should be easy enough.

Not easy. I can promise you she's not going to go along with this. She'll just leave home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No appointment, no college - that should be easy enough.

Not easy. I can promise you she's not going to go along with this. She'll just leave home.

PP again.

It sounds like she hasn't been listened to for a long time and now her feelings are just being brushed under the this is your mental illness talking umbrella.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No appointment, no college - that should be easy enough.

Not easy. I can promise you she's not going to go along with this. She'll just leave home.

PP again.

It sounds like she hasn't been listened to for a long time and now her feelings are just being brushed under the this is your mental illness talking umbrella.

OP here... what we thought as laziness and just teen behavior turned to be very serious mental health issue. its not true that she was not listen to - we did not know there was an issue. She is extremely smart and hid all thr turmoil inside until it boiled over. We are reay to walk the hard path with her, but she is clamed up. i know it is hard to undersand unless you have gone through with this. However I am looking for other parents who can provide. experienced advice.

[Anonymous]

Are you paying for college?

Tell her that college is a major investment, and that you love her and support her, but you cannot in good conscience make such a major investment when she is unwell. She is showing you she is unwell by refusing to talk with you and by not going to therapy or taking prescribed medications. At 18 that is her legal right; however you are not legally obligated to support her in college if she insists on going when she isn't well.

Tell her that she will always have a place in your home and that you are happy to provide access to the internet as long as she agrees to your stipulations: that she attends therapy, takes prescribed medication and is civil to the family. If she feels she can't do those things, you will understand that she needs to leave your home.

Let her move out. Call school and see about postponing a year until she is more healthy.

No one should go to college in the middle of major depression.

[Anonymous]

No parent that has experience with similar issues would tell you that everything is going to be ok without meds and therapy..But you really need to have professional opinion of a psychiatrist, not a bunch of strangers.

I have been travelling this road with my own 18 yo for 2 years. I can tell you she got significantly better once her anxiety was under control with meds, weekly therapy with a psychiatrist for the first 8 months or so among other things. Your dd needs help, even if she resists it. I doubt she will leave home just because you ask her to see a psychiatrist. I guarantee you she has friends who are under psychiatric care, spent time at Dominion and ER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you paying for college?

Tell her that college is a major investment, and that you love her and support her, but you cannot in good conscience make such a major investment when she is unwell. She is showing you she is unwell by refusing to talk with you and by not going to therapy or taking prescribed medications. At 18 that is her legal right; however you are not legally obligated to support her in college if she insists on going when she isn't well.

Tell her that she will always have a place in your home and that you are happy to provide access to the internet as long as she agrees to your stipulations: that she attends therapy, takes prescribed medication and is civil to the family. If she feels she can't do those things, you will understand that she needs to leave your home.

Let her move out. Call school and see about postponing a year until she is more healthy.

No one should go to college in the middle of major depression.

This is essentially what we did with my DS. Things are not perfect, but they are much, much better.

[Anonymous]

What turmoil can an 18 yr old have ? What is her turmoil about ?

[Anonymous]

Things we did:

1. We found a licensed counselor in the city where my DD went to college. The counselor was located .4 mile from campus. I got the appointment day set up in the afternoon of a day that DD did not have classes. I did not wait to have DD set it up. The same with the psychiatrist. Which was a monthly appointment. I took her the first time to both providers. She grumbled a lot that the counselor "didn't know anything" but we required her to go, or else she would not go to college. She refused to see a counselor in the health center at the college, because she wanted her privacy, which I understand. That was a moot point anyway because those counselors could not guarantee a weekly appointment for her (I called to inquire).

2. I got the phone number of one of her suite mates who had become her friend. I got this in October, but if you can get this at drop-off, that's even better. Make sure this roommate puts your number in her phone. Don't bother giving your # to the RA, because they are not going to call you. They will call the Dean who will call you.

3. Have her sign up for the easiest course load possible for first semester. She may balk at this, actually. But insist on it until she gets her legs under her. Ratchet down expectations. That sport she did for 20 hours a week in high school? Maybe skip that and aim for a noncompetitive, non-performance based activity like yoga.

4. We visited her more often than we did her two siblings who are also in college and would have been irked by frequent visits.

5. We learned that we have no ability to know whether she takes the medication. Literally. Anyone who says "just make her take medication" has not walked in your shoes. She filled the prescriptions, but taking the medication reliably was a whole other thing.

6. We insisted that she take a gap year, and decided this in a panic about three weeks before college started.. She worked full time, went to counseling, and was very lonely. She did not want to do any volunteer work or exercising. She was not able to go overseas on a gap year program, due to the counseling and the mental illness. So it was isolating for her. We wish we had sent her to college on time, with the above supports.

7. We called the Dean of Students after the first week of college had passed and explained that she was struggling with depression/anxiety. We did not know whether he would look in on her, but he did. Several times each semester. I'm guessing he also gave the RA a heads-up, but I don't know. We did not tell her about this phone call. We debated the ethics of this, and decided to make the call anyway. You do what you have to do.

8. We required her to sign the FERPA release, prior to the start of the semester and prior to arriving on campus. Good to have, if you absolutely need it. We required this of all of our kids, in case of an emergency.

9. We go to a counselor ourselves once a semester in our city who is experienced with young adults and mental health. She has really helped us to navigate the decisions we have made. She was the one who suggested most of the above items. Without her, I would have been reluctant to be so intrusive about my daughter's life, as that is not the way we are parenting our other young adults. She encouraged us to realize that this is a special need that requires more involvement, not less.

10. We still fly by the seat of our pants, learning as we go. This is NOT easy. The hardest part is #5. You know the medication could help her feel better, but she does not trust that. She doesn't want to be "different." And depression subdues her executive functioning abilities so she just plain forgets. Plus depression makes her not care.

11. Our DD will take 6 years to get through college, because she only takes 12 credits/semester. Going to counseling and a psychiatrist and getting enough sleep takes time out of her week. She has minimal ability to cope with too much pressure. This is working.

12. I wish she was at a college closer to home. She is out of state. But it's a good fit for her, and no one from her high school is there (which she likes).

13. On the days before her psychiatrist appointments, we receive a reminder text from their office, as does our DD. This office was glad to text me because they have such a problem with no-shows in this adolescent population. During her freshmen year, I would then text my DD on the morning of the appointment to nudge her into remembering the appointment. I don't have to do this anymore.

That's all that I can think of for now. It's not in any order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No appointment, no college - that should be easy enough.

Not easy. I can promise you she's not going to go along with this. She'll just leave home.

PP again.

It sounds like she hasn't been listened to for a long time and now her feelings are just being brushed under the this is your mental illness talking umbrella.

OP here... what we thought as laziness and just teen behavior turned to be very serious mental health issue. its not true that she was not listen to - we did not know there was an issue. She is extremely smart and hid all thr turmoil inside until it boiled over. We are reay to walk the hard path with her, but she is clamed up. i know it is hard to undersand unless you have gone through with this. However I am looking for other parents who can provide. experienced advice.

Cool.
Not a parent who has been there. I am or was where your daughter was, and had my parents thought they were going to make me go to counseling or make me stay home for college, or make me sign any sort of release I would have been gone the next day. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but that's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about pushing for a gap year - close to home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things we did:

1. We found a licensed counselor in the city where my DD went to college. The counselor was located .4 mile from campus. I got the appointment day set up in the afternoon of a day that DD did not have classes. I did not wait to have DD set it up. The same with the psychiatrist. Which was a monthly appointment. I took her the first time to both providers. She grumbled a lot that the counselor "didn't know anything" but we required her to go, or else she would not go to college. She refused to see a counselor in the health center at the college, because she wanted her privacy, which I understand. That was a moot point anyway because those counselors could not guarantee a weekly appointment for her (I called to inquire).

2. I got the phone number of one of her suite mates who had become her friend. I got this in October, but if you can get this at drop-off, that's even better. Make sure this roommate puts your number in her phone. Don't bother giving your # to the RA, because they are not going to call you. They will call the Dean who will call you.

3. Have her sign up for the easiest course load possible for first semester. She may balk at this, actually. But insist on it until she gets her legs under her. Ratchet down expectations. That sport she did for 20 hours a week in high school? Maybe skip that and aim for a noncompetitive, non-performance based activity like yoga.

4. We visited her more often than we did her two siblings who are also in college and would have been irked by frequent visits.

5. We learned that we have no ability to know whether she takes the medication. Literally. Anyone who says "just make her take medication" has not walked in your shoes. She filled the prescriptions, but taking the medication reliably was a whole other thing.

6. We insisted that she take a gap year, and decided this in a panic about three weeks before college started.. She worked full time, went to counseling, and was very lonely. She did not want to do any volunteer work or exercising. She was not able to go overseas on a gap year program, due to the counseling and the mental illness. So it was isolating for her. We wish we had sent her to college on time, with the above supports.

7. We called the Dean of Students after the first week of college had passed and explained that she was struggling with depression/anxiety. We did not know whether he would look in on her, but he did. Several times each semester. I'm guessing he also gave the RA a heads-up, but I don't know. We did not tell her about this phone call. We debated the ethics of this, and decided to make the call anyway. You do what you have to do.

8. We required her to sign the FERPA release, prior to the start of the semester and prior to arriving on campus. Good to have, if you absolutely need it. We required this of all of our kids, in case of an emergency.

9. We go to a counselor ourselves once a semester in our city who is experienced with young adults and mental health. She has really helped us to navigate the decisions we have made. She was the one who suggested most of the above items. Without her, I would have been reluctant to be so intrusive about my daughter's life, as that is not the way we are parenting our other young adults. She encouraged us to realize that this is a special need that requires more involvement, not less.

10. We still fly by the seat of our pants, learning as we go. This is NOT easy. The hardest part is #5. You know the medication could help her feel better, but she does not trust that. She doesn't want to be "different." And depression subdues her executive functioning abilities so she just plain forgets. Plus depression makes her not care.

11. Our DD will take 6 years to get through college, because she only takes 12 credits/semester. Going to counseling and a psychiatrist and getting enough sleep takes time out of her week. She has minimal ability to cope with too much pressure. This is working.

12. I wish she was at a college closer to home. She is out of state. But it's a good fit for her, and no one from her high school is there (which she likes).

13. On the days before her psychiatrist appointments, we receive a reminder text from their office, as does our DD. This office was glad to text me because they have such a problem with no-shows in this adolescent population. During her freshmen year, I would then text my DD on the morning of the appointment to nudge her into remembering the appointment. I don't have to do this anymore.

That's all that I can think of for now. It's not in any order.

Thank you, Thanks YOU! Thank you for your care to write all these in details. I will see what we can follow with her. My heartache is over losing my child to mental health and not know how to be the parent she needs now. I want her to succeed. I want her to be independent, but I want to know she would be okay when she leaves home. I have suggested a gap year and she does not wan to do that. I am not keen on that for the exact reason you have mentioned - she would be completely lonely if she stays home. The last couple of months after school has ended has been miserable for her. Need to figure out a way to talk to her about restarting a psychologist and medication. Need to talk to the Dean and have to remember to get the dorm-mate's phone number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No appointment, no college - that should be easy enough.

Not easy. I can promise you she's not going to go along with this. She'll just leave home.

PP again.

It sounds like she hasn't been listened to for a long time and now her feelings are just being brushed under the this is your mental illness talking umbrella.

OP here... what we thought as laziness and just teen behavior turned to be very serious mental health issue. its not true that she was not listen to - we did not know there was an issue. She is extremely smart and hid all thr turmoil inside until it boiled over. We are reay to walk the hard path with her, but she is clamed up. i know it is hard to undersand unless you have gone through with this. However I am looking for other parents who can provide. experienced advice.

Cool.
Not a parent who has been there. I am or was where your daughter was, and had my parents thought they were going to make me go to counseling or make me stay home for college, or make me sign any sort of release I would have been gone the next day. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but that's the truth.

No I do not intend to pressure her to stay home. However, I want to have a conversation about having ongoing mental health treatment and allowing us access to her health care. I do not want to force it, but this is something for her long-term well being. So, I am thinking. Can you please share your experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about pushing for a gap year - close to home?

No, I do not want to push the gap year, since her major gripe is that we pushed her too hard and our control affected her self-esteem. She is going to be closer to home in the college. But I am concerned that if she continues what she is doing now (it is summer, but not talking to anyone in real-life is very isolating) might be very risky in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you paying for college?

Tell her that college is a major investment, and that you love her and support her, but you cannot in good conscience make such a major investment when she is unwell. She is showing you she is unwell by refusing to talk with you and by not going to therapy or taking prescribed medications. At 18 that is her legal right; however you are not legally obligated to support her in college if she insists on going when she isn't well.

Tell her that she will always have a place in your home and that you are happy to provide access to the internet as long as she agrees to your stipulations: that she attends therapy, takes prescribed medication and is civil to the family. If she feels she can't do those things, you will understand that she needs to leave your home.

Let her move out. Call school and see about postponing a year until she is more healthy.

No one should go to college in the middle of major depression.

This is essentially what we did with my DS. Things are not perfect, but they are much, much better.

Can you please elaborate? Did your DS have similar symptoms? Did he agree for the gap year? How did thing work out?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP but I really wouldn't send her away to college like this. She won't be able to enjoy it and take advantage of all the opportunities college has to offer when she isn't healthy. She already seems fairly isolated and that could potentially get even worse sending her away from home for the first time. Freshman year is challenging for even healthy kids. I don't think any psychiatrist is going to recommend sending her to college in this state.