Husband won't let me comfort him. I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It seems like this is much more than a normal grieving reaction if he can't even simply say, "no thanks, I would really like to be left alone for some time, I know we talked about how I wanted to be comforted before my mom passed, but now that it's happened, I need different things."

He is "saying" this quite clearly.

It's not normal.

Leave the poor man alone!! Sheesh. Grieving is a process. It's work. It takes time. The man needs some space. Let him have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It seems like this is much more than a normal grieving reaction if he can't even simply say, "no thanks, I would really like to be left alone for some time, I know we talked about how I wanted to be comforted before my mom passed, but now that it's happened, I need different things."

He is "saying" this quite clearly.

This is really about the OP. She's hurt that he doesn't want her comfort, she feels rejected and shut out. She's complaining that he isn't expressing his need for alone time in a way that's more considerate and polite TO HER. She's saying "DH won't let ME comfort him" rather than "DH is unhappy and I'm concerned."

OP, the best thing you can do for your DH is to get your head around the fact that it isn't about you and your feelings. Find some other outlet for your anxiety and frustration, and give him the space he needs.

[Anonymous]

One month of this still seems like grief....but it also sounds like something that could easily turn into depression.

I agree with others to urge him to consider therapy. You could do some research now, and then if this isn't any better in another couple weeks, suggest it. Offer to make the appointment, to take a day off and drive him there.

I would also say that he ought to be taking some time off too.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is helpful, but your husband sounds like he is processing grief.

Honestly, when my dad died, I did what your husband did. Worked, came home, and slept. A ton. It was exhausting feeling as sad as I was while the world kept moving, my job kept me busy and life continued on.

And I hate to admit this, but one reason I slept a ton was that I still had dreams about my dad. He was around in that world even if he was gone from the one I spent my days in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It seems like this is much more than a normal grieving reaction if he can't even simply say, "no thanks, I would really like to be left alone for some time, I know we talked about how I wanted to be comforted before my mom passed, but now that it's happened, I need different things."

He is "saying" this quite clearly.

This is really about the OP. She's hurt that he doesn't want her comfort, she feels rejected and shut out. She's complaining that he isn't expressing his need for alone time in a way that's more considerate and polite TO HER. She's saying "DH won't let ME comfort him" rather than "DH is unhappy and I'm concerned."

OP, the best thing you can do for your DH is to get your head around the fact that it isn't about you and your feelings. Find some other outlet for your anxiety and frustration, and give him the space he needs.

This!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy as a kid, family history of suicide, and crying daily a month afterwards isn't normal for a man. It's just not. I'd be very worried, too.

When you knocked on the door, a normal response would have been: "Just give me a minute." But storming out to cry in the car isn't normal.

I'd give him another week, back off but watch closely. If he's still crying, then I'd sit him down during a good time and try to talk. I'd tell him that I'm worried and suggest he speak with his doctor...not a therapist.

His parents divorced when he was a kid and he went to therapy for that and later as a teen when his dad commited suicide.

He's was very close to his mom and hurting.

He's never completely closed himself off before and I'm worried.

[Anonymous]

Back off and let him grieve, OP. Plenty of people grieve his way. It takes time. A month is nothing. And it's a gradual process, with setbacks.

Every time you come at him you interfere and halt his process because you're being needy. You feel a need to comfort him and you feel a need to interact with him when what HE needs is time to just be left with his thoughts and feelings so he can move on in the grief process.

I understand his point of view, because my husband is needy like you. When I've had to grieve, I've had to keep escaping his attempts to "make me feel better" which were really about him feeling uncomfortable with my perfectly normal sadness and grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back off and let him grieve, OP. Plenty of people grieve his way. It takes time. A month is nothing. And it's a gradual process, with setbacks.

Every time you come at him you interfere and halt his process because you're being needy. You feel a need to comfort him and you feel a need to interact with him when what HE needs is time to just be left with his thoughts and feelings so he can move on in the grief process.

I understand his point of view, because my husband is needy like you. When I've had to grieve, I've had to keep escaping his attempts to "make me feel better" which were really about him feeling uncomfortable with my perfectly normal sadness and grief.

Can you read?

Op has said more than once she has only done what HE asked her to do!


Op is also rightly concerned about her husband.

Stop projecting your marital issues on to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back off and let him grieve, OP. Plenty of people grieve his way. It takes time. A month is nothing. And it's a gradual process, with setbacks.

Every time you come at him you interfere and halt his process because you're being needy. You feel a need to comfort him and you feel a need to interact with him when what HE needs is time to just be left with his thoughts and feelings so he can move on in the grief process.

I understand his point of view, because my husband is needy like you. When I've had to grieve, I've had to keep escaping his attempts to "make me feel better" which were really about him feeling uncomfortable with my perfectly normal sadness and grief.

Can you read?

Op has said more than once she has only done what HE asked her to do!


Op is also rightly concerned about her husband.

Stop projecting your marital issues on to her.

Except for LEAVING HIM ALONE....

[Anonymous]

Well, I can add my personal anecdote. My brother did not speak to me after my mother died at all. He never really has spoken to me since, more than a year later. I understand he did speak to his wife, but he shut me out 100%.

I would be worried a month out but OP may have to wait it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back off and let him grieve, OP. Plenty of people grieve his way. It takes time. A month is nothing. And it's a gradual process, with setbacks.

Every time you come at him you interfere and halt his process because you're being needy. You feel a need to comfort him and you feel a need to interact with him when what HE needs is time to just be left with his thoughts and feelings so he can move on in the grief process.

I understand his point of view, because my husband is needy like you. When I've had to grieve, I've had to keep escaping his attempts to "make me feel better" which were really about him feeling uncomfortable with my perfectly normal sadness and grief.

Can you read?

Op has said more than once she has only done what HE asked her to do!


Op is also rightly concerned about her husband.

Stop projecting your marital issues on to her.

They talked before the death. You can plan as much as you want for an event or in this case a tragedy, but until you are in the moment, you can't know exactly how you'll feel and process. His needs now are different that what he predicted a few weeks ago. Yes, OP thought that since he had already experienced a death, that he would know, but clearly, since he was so very close to his mom, her death hit him harder than the other parent's (whether his dad or step-mom or whatever) death and what he actually needs now is different from what he predicted he would need a few weeks ago.

OP needs to be more empathetic to his current needs and adjust accordingly. Her husband needs space and time to grieve. Despite what he said weeks ago, he needs to be alone without interruptions from her. Despite the fact that she feels rejected and helpless to help him, it's not about her. If she needs help adjusting to that, she should find a friend or counselor to discuss her feelings, but not try to push herself onto him. While he hasn't been able to come out and say it, he needs her to stop trying to help him and let him have some uninterrupted time with his grief. He cannot have that time during the day at work, when he has to attempt to get some work done, so he comes home and needs time to just grieve, by himself, without her help. When he's ready for her help and the various gestures that they discussed before the actual death, he'll come out of the shell and can be more responsive to those signs of caring. But not yet.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. he is grieving in his own way. I would just want to clarify with him that he is not having any harmful thoughts, and tell him you love him and his mother would want him to not be hurting. And maybe your primary care would offer some wellbutrin or prozac just to get him through this rough patch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't know why everyone is piling on OP. She can't ask if he needs anything, or let him know she loves him? Is she supposed to walk around all day and not interact with him at all for the foreseeable future? It is totally reasonable to grieve in your own way and to want to be alone, but this has been going on for a month and he can't even talk to her a tiny bit? It seems like this is much more than a normal grieving reaction if he can't even simply say, "no thanks, I would really like to be left alone for some time, I know we talked about how I wanted to be comforted before my mom passed, but now that it's happened, I need different things."

I don't think OP is being selfish. I think she feels helpless and is trying to figure out a way to be there for her husband. She thought she knew what to do based on prior conversations, but apparently that is being overtaken by how he feels now. Honestly, her husband sounds like he needs some help with dealing with his emotions but if he would refuse therapy, that's not great.

Yes to this. He can have space, yes. But he should also be able to ASK FOR IT. Kindly. From his loving wife, who clearly wants to help. "Hi honey, I'm destroyed from work, I love you but I'm going to sleep in the guest room because I need to be alone".

Instead it almost sounds like he's getting a power trip from leaving her blowing in the wind while tip toeing around his emotions. Grief sucks, yes. But it doesn't relieve you of the rest of your life indefinitely. She's not asking he buck up and get over it. She's asking for how to help him. The only person who can share that, is him. And he's refusing to engage. That's not fair.

OP, of course give him some leeway. He's hurting. But I think it's ok to stand up for yourself a bit here. It's ok to grieve, but there is a limit in how much other people should be expected to tip toe around you without ANY CONVERSATION about what's going on. That's just not reasonable in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, he has to ask permission to grieve? You're a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't know why everyone is piling on OP. She can't ask if he needs anything, or let him know she loves him? Is she supposed to walk around all day and not interact with him at all for the foreseeable future? It is totally reasonable to grieve in your own way and to want to be alone, but this has been going on for a month and he can't even talk to her a tiny bit? It seems like this is much more than a normal grieving reaction if he can't even simply say, "no thanks, I would really like to be left alone for some time, I know we talked about how I wanted to be comforted before my mom passed, but now that it's happened, I need different things."

I don't think OP is being selfish. I think she feels helpless and is trying to figure out a way to be there for her husband. She thought she knew what to do based on prior conversations, but apparently that is being overtaken by how he feels now. Honestly, her husband sounds like he needs some help with dealing with his emotions but if he would refuse therapy, that's not great.

Yes to this. He can have space, yes. But he should also be able to ASK FOR IT. Kindly. From his loving wife, who clearly wants to help. "Hi honey, I'm destroyed from work, I love you but I'm going to sleep in the guest room because I need to be alone".

Instead it almost sounds like he's getting a power trip from leaving her blowing in the wind while tip toeing around his emotions. Grief sucks, yes. But it doesn't relieve you of the rest of your life indefinitely. She's not asking he buck up and get over it. She's asking for how to help him. The only person who can share that, is him. And he's refusing to engage. That's not fair.

OP, of course give him some leeway. He's hurting. But I think it's ok to stand up for yourself a bit here. It's ok to grieve, but there is a limit in how much other people should be expected to tip toe around you without ANY CONVERSATION about what's going on. That's just not reasonable in a marriage.

He probably did ask nicely, a month ago. But OP ignored it because of her own issues. So now he's got his boundaries jacked way up and is expressing himself in extreme terms because that's the only way to get through to her.